Sceal's new journal

[sanmagic7]

i still love your body when you aren't able to, sweetie.  i accept it just as it is.  i'm looking forward to you finding the way to do what you need to be your best, healthiest self.

glad you feel a bit lighter.  sorry you had a bout of sh over the weekend.  dang, we all go thru this, don't we.  i think that as we continue recovering, those bouts will become fewer and farther between.  hang tough, sweet sceal.  love you much, big hug full of encouragement and support.

[Sceal]

Thank you San. For saying so, but there's a voice in my head telling me that you've not seen it, so then it becomes easy to love.

It seems I only got to have one lighter day. Today has been filled with a whole bunch of nothing. Physical pain, boredom, flashbacks, thoughts and vivid imagery of me deserving to be hurt. Impulse of SH is back again, didn't last long. But at least I had yesterday, and atleast I haven't acted on it yet.

Got  a message from my roomie, he had a meltdown at work and is on his way home. I've been worried about him for a while, he hasn't said anything but his eating habits changed. And he usually go toward the unhealthy bit when he starts feeling bad. I don't think he knows himself what's wrong yet, I really hope it hasn't been me. It's really hard to live with someone when both is down in the gutters. I'm scared, I feel anxiety. My heart is racing, and it's hard to breathe.

I have an appointment with Lady T tonight, I've never seen her this late in the day before. So that is new. I think I prefer to see her mid-day, or around lunch... Unless she's planning on giving me some extra time? But that would make me feel bad, because surely she wants to go home to her sons, husband and have dinner? I don't want to take up her time unnessecerily.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, it's her job, she's an adult, she knows her schedule and what her family is or isn't doing.  maybe the kids are at friends' houses tonite so she has time she wants to spend with you.  it's ok to let her make her choices as to whether she wants to be with you or not.

as far as loving your body goes, i love it for encasing the essence that is sceal.  that outer wrapping is just that - outer.  it has held onto you, tho, the inner you, the reality of who you are, and i love it for that.  i love it because it has kept you walking and talking and writing, battling the beast, getting you to where you need to go to continue your battle.

i tend to look at people thru their hearts, and yours is beautiful.  your body has held that for all of us here, has held it for you so that you can be the generous and giving person you are and enables you to do what's needed to get you healthier on every level,   

i've had friends and lovers with all differently-shaped bodies.   it's their essence, when it's nasty, that makes even the most glorified model-body or picture-perfect face seem downright ugly.  i accept yours the way it is, and if/when it changes i will accept and love that, too.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Deep Blue]

I echo all of what San said.

I love your body too for the same reasons!  Abusers are ugly to me, no matter how perfect their veneer.

You are so thoughtful of other's time.  Lady T wouldn't see you if she felt rushed or wouldn't have time.  I make my T remind me of this weekly!! If she didn't want to treat me anymore she would get rid of me.  Lady T cares about you and would never ever consider you a burden or that you use her time unecessarily.

Let me tell you as well, you never ever deserved to be hurt. Not by yourself or by anyone else. 
Sending you support hon,
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

Recently I've looked into doing something with my time other than sitting at home or at treatment. So I contacted a voulenteer centre to see if I could do something there. It turns out I can. The first meeting with the lady-in-charge made me very nervous, I had some reactions I was not prepared for before the meeting and had to deal with. The meeting itself went very well. I couldn't believe I was talking so freely, I wasn't being super shy and quiet. But I asked questions about her and her thoughts and ideas and such. It felt like I was someone else, and when I left that meeting I felt pretty ok and I arranged to pop by during 'opening hours' the following day.

After I left my defence mechanism started to cool off. And I started thinking through this new adventure. They are still in the start-up phase, which would make it easier for me to get to know everyone since everyone's new to it. I might be able to come with suggestions and ideas for events and such early on, and get a new and different role. Be productive, effective and helpful to society. They are also closely knit to some of the things I enjoy doing. So in a way it's the perfect voulenteer centre for me. For the healthy me.  But, and there is a but...

It's triggering me. I am beyond terrified that this new group, these new people, will turn out to be similar or just the same as the previous group I was involved in. I tried to nail it down with Lady T yesterday what it is that scares me so much, and I think it is several things - but I am not quite are able to follow the thought fully through. I stop it, because my anxiety levels gets so high. We explored it, and she spoke to my brain. At the end she realized that speaking to my brain wont help me, because it's in my body and in my heart my fear lies.

I am terrified that they will use me, that I'm unable or wont be allowed to set boundaries for things that I am comfortable with. I am terrified that they will start using me more and more, and tell me they are dependent on me, and in that effect trap me emotionally. I am terrified that they will shame me and guilttrip me. I am terrified that I will burn out.
At the same time,
I am terrified I'll be a dissapointment, I am terrified that they will reject me, I am terrified that they will freeze me out and I am terrified that I am not good enough.

My Lady T suggested I tell the lady-in-charge that 2 hours is all I can manage for now, but I told her can't. I'm terrified that if I set that boundry she either doesn't accept it, and slowly more and more start to demand things from me, crossing my boundary. Because I really, really want it to work. And also, I don't feel I am allowed to set a boundary, I don't deserve that. It's too much to expect of me at this point. I have already said that I wont be able to make it every week. She pointed out that if I don't set a boundary I might sooner or later end up being burnt out and having to quit, and wouldn't I dissapoint them then?
This of course created a conflict in my mind. I hope in a way they'd be dissapointed, because then I would have done something right, but I don't want to cause them undue harm.

Yet I don't want to be harmed either. It's very confusing, it's very scary. And I feel like crying.

The reason why she is triggering for me, is a few things. When I first e-mailed her asking her if they needed voulenteers and if she could tell me a little about what they do the email I got in responce was so positive, so enthusiastic and to me.... well, overwhelmingly positive. It sounds stupid, but there it is. And when I met her she said she's an archeologist and she's a teacher at a school. We also talked about a topic that used to be very dear to me, and an interest that I used to have alot of positive experience from but that the "cult" ruined for me. And it got too close, too similar. She was also ready to give me a keycard the first day, and ready to set me in work and all of that from the get-go. It's very flattering, but it's also the same way the "cult" operated with me. They flattered me, made me feel wanted, made me feel like I belonged and then they started taking away my identity, manipulating me, removing me from my outside friends, talking trash about my family.

It's so similar first meeting and impression.
And I am so very confused. I desperatedly want to believe that most people are good at heart. And I desperatedly want to believe that this group of people want to do something good for others, to offer a place to be for people, and things to do. To create a community in a society that's very individualistic. And I do want, like most people, to feel belonging somewhere. But I've tried that before, and that didn't work out so well.
I can't trust my own judgement.

And this fear, it's in my body, my heart. It's not my brain, so trying to analyze it and figuring out things the logical and most likelyhood - I don't think that will work. And I don't know what will work.

I of course will keep going. I've said I want to try it out, and I promised I'd be there next thursday - I was unsure about this thursday. I still am. I feel like throwing up.

I also told my Lady T that I get very confused in regards to pushing forward, or stepping back. I can't tell the difference between when I need to push myself to go through with it, and when my body and mind is telling me I really need a break. I know I have a high tendency for avoidance, and I need to work on that. I feel I put myself outside my comfort zone alot, but it's different than working on avoidance. She says it's important to go when anxiety is high, so I can experience that it's not so dangerous, but at the same time she also thinks that since it's only once a week, it might not be helpful as exposure therapy, because it's so far apart and it might just make my anxiety worse and worse and worse.  So, thinking about it. I'm very confused to what she meant. She both thought I should go, but also she thinks it wont be good for anxiety levels? Maybe there's more to that conversation that I don't remember.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
Maybe Lady T is trying to ultimately leave the decision to you? Maybe she doesn't want to tell you which decision to make so she was trying to weigh both options for you?

The scenario being "familiar" can rattle that hypervigilance for sure.  Do you think there is a way that you could just put your toe in the water so to speak? Small involvement and then decide?  Just a thought.

Here if you need me
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

Deep Blue,
Lady T always lets me know that I can choose, decide. But this was more that she was trying to discover something along side with me, and trying to find the best possible sollution right now, as well as validating that it is hard, it can become a real challenge and could make me worse. But I do think I'll have to tell her next friday (so long!) that she confused me. Unless things get so bad I have to call her. I hope not.

---
I lost time today. I was reading a journal entry here on the forum this morning and suddenly I find myself at the SA support centre in the middle of an anxiety attack and a semi-known lady was trying to talk me through it.  (Disclaimer: The journal didn't trigger me. I was trying to un-trigger myself by reading around on the forum and forcing me to think of someone else. I triggered myself by writing my other entry today and it just escalated into dissociation. It wasn't anyones fault here on the forum is what I'm trying to say).
I eventually calmed down, I don't know how long I was there before I got help, or how long it took me to get from the busstop. I don't even know which bus I took. I have two options, and they both end in different places of town. One would take me 45 minutes to get there in travel time alone. The other would take me 1 hour. So there's atleast 1 hour of completly lost time.

I had two other anxiety attack at the centre, but they were smaller. I was mainly left to my own devices, I usually am. Because I sit down in a chair that's a little seperate from the "common sofa", both are in the common area.

A friend of mine met me in town for coffee, it was very nice. It was exhausting, but he know I'm struggling. I got to talk alittle about my confusion and then we started talking about tv-shows and dating scene, his job and normal things. Then he drove me home.

I've eaten two slices of bread with cheese on them for breakfast, then I had a kind of pastry, kind of not, kind of thing. It wasn't a meal, it wasn't filling, or anything. I don't even know where I got it from. An Ice-coffe, a mocha coffee, and then chicken and salad when I got home. The ice-coffee and mocha certainly gave me more than enough calories today. But food-wise, healthy, regular food... I'm struggling. I'm ashamed.

It's finally time for bed for me. Thank god.

[Deep Blue]

Sweetest Sceal,
I'm so sorry that you lost time. Important thing is that you made it to the support center.  At least your autopilot got you there.

I'll meet you on the porch tonight 

[Wattlebird]

Sleep well sceal sending prayers of peace and love to give u some top quality snooze time

[Sceal]

Thank you darlings 

----
[Trigger warning: SH]
My emergency appointment with my GP on friday was good. She tried some scare tactics that didn't work, but she did say something that is working. And my Lady T has asked me similar questions in regards to SH. She asked me to picture children being treated with the same kind of treatment I'm doing to myself, or to imagine someone doing that to children. And is that okay? No. A big, loud resounding No. So the question comes then, why is it okay when I do it to myself? I know my inner demon will tell me it is because I do not deserve to be treated better. If no one else can punish me, then I must do it for them so they don't have to.  But this behaviour and line of thought will not help me get better.
Trigger warning End

I felt she woke me up a little, a part of me that's been asleep. I've been trying to explain it in words to myself what it is that happens when my mind is tuned out. Because it's not really tuned out, I am awake. I know what's going on, I know where I am,  but yet I become incapable of making a choice, of doing anything. If I start something, within 5-10 minutes I've stopped. Doesn't matter if it's self-care, cooking, cleaning or drawing and there's No willpower to continue. It's not like I am overwhelmed by thoughts of "this is utter pointless, this is meaningless. Nothing matters", those do arrive, and I do dissociate. But it's not those things I'm trying to put into words. Its the life in between. I haven't found the words yet. I hope that when I do find the words, then I can start questioning it, and find a way out.

Tomorrow I start a new treatment program that lasts for 6 weeks. I am going up to the psych.ward 3 days a week for 3 hours each time. It's mindfulness, it's body-movement (I have yet to understand what this part is), it's physical activities and it's group therapy. This is in addition to my weekly session with Lady T. I will also go to Lady L weekly or every second week. And then also I will get a new Lady at the eating disorder place.. I haven't met the new one yet, so I don't know what to call her yet. Lady-something obviously.  Suddenly my life seems packed. And I'm a little overwhelmed by all of this. I have decided not to think about it, but suddenly it's sunday, and I start tomorrow. And I haven't prepared myself. And I space out.
I have a battle within me. Should I fight to remain "concious"? Should I do everything they say flawlessly? Should I pull myself together and be awesome for those 3 hours? Should I be whoever I am?  Should I allow myself to space out when it gets too much? Should I space out all the time, so I don't have to deal? But if I do that, then I wont gain anything from it. Maybe just in the beginning, but then I'm loosing potential. Lady T will be there on wednesdays, and somehow that scare me more than meeting the other "directors" (Not all of them will be therapists. One is a nurse, one is a physiotherapist...).

So many thoughts.

Yesterday I went visiting my parents for dinner. I asked my mom to cook extra so I could bring back home for dinner. It was delicious. Best food I've had in a while. I even managed to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner AND evening meal today. That's impressive.
Anyway, I was visiting them and I pulled out some old photoalbums. And my mom said "You smiled all the time as a child" (it doesn't quite translate well), and it was so nice to hear. It was clearly me on all these photos, so much thoughts I'd forgotten. I think I need to go back there and look at them again. Look at that smiling child. I do smile now too, I smile all the time. But somewhere along the way it became a defence mechanism rather than smiling from the core of me. I don't recognize her, I don't remember her. but I'd like to be her again.

The me that I do know is curious. Curious about people, curious about how they think and work and how they see the world. Curious about what they do with their lives and why they choose the way they do. I'm also curious about different fields of work and expertise. And I like exploring, finding new ways to solve problems. But somewhere along the way I became so wound up in having to do it the RIGHT way. Eventhough I don't believe that there is one set way for one thing.. so how did this happen? Where did these thoughts come from,whose thoughts are they really? but more importantly... How do I rid myself off them so I can go back to being experimental and playful?

How can I see the world in colours again? I think I need to buy myself a set of play dough.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Sceal,
Sending you love support and strength this week.  We are here if you need us. 

Deep breaths 

[Sceal]

Thank you dear 
---

Woke up feeling nothing. It's hard to describe this nothing-feeling. It's not apathy, it's not numbness, it's not emptyness. It's just nothing. I didn't really notice it until later in the day. Nothingness does that, it's hard to notice because it's such void of everything.

There are several support people involved in this group thing. There's a few nurses, a few psychologists, a few physiotherapists, but not all at the same time. There will be two support people present each day. So when I arrived I ran into the two nurses that's havin the monday section. I know them both from 2 years ago when I got admitted to the psych.ward. One of them is on the crisis team, and I was meeting up with her because my therapist at the time had gotten a new position at a different hospital and I still had 1.5 week before I was getting admitted and I needed extra support in that time. The other nurse is a nurse at the psych.ward and we've had many conversations. Still though, this is 2 years ago, and they both remember me. I always find it peculiar how healthcare personell always seem to remember me. You can tell the difference between those who really do remember you and those who just say they do. But I'm always amazed, I know how many people they meet in a week, in a month.. Not to speak since the last 2 years I saw them... How the *!% do they remember me?! I mean, I'm curious to know what sort of impression I made on them... But I'm too scared to ask, incase it was a bad one and they're just too polite to tell me.  This isn't the first time this has happened, the creepiest time was when a former Psychiatrist remembered me from 11 years ago!! (at that time) I mean. WHAT?! 11 years? I remembered him too, but mainly because he never wear pants that actually fit him in length, they are always too short. Always. I know I had him as my therapist for a very brief time, 6 months at the most. And how the he#! does he remember me!?

Anyway, reakfast meeting went with saying our names and introducing this group thing and talk about the week to come. Then we had body-work "lesson" with physiotherapist. That also went fine. But this is when I noticed that I wasn't really present. I remember when I was still studying and easily overwhelmed and more often than not pushed into dissociation Lady T told me that if I was less than 80% present then I shouldn't do any more activities that day and just go home. I estimate I was 60% present during body-work. At the end of this hour the physio asked us if we had any thoughts, and one of the other patients said she felt so many emotions rushing at her and she didn't like it very much. I could see that several others agreed with her with this. This is the point I realised the nothingness. I felt nothing. I could barely feel my body. We were standing on those "porcupine pillows", you know, the pillows that physiotherapists have with a bunch of soft pressure points in them, and they are filled with air? And you're supposed to stand on them, to increase circulation, or activate pressure points underneath your feet, or for balancing practice. We were using those at a point, and I felt nothing. Just standing on some wobbly balls.

During lunch most of the folks went down to the cafeteria. I had an orange and 3 carrots with me, I only ate the one carrot. I was sitting next to the nurse and it was comfortable. Suddenly Lady T showed up and had lunch with us, and then everyone else came back, and the nurse moved seats away and I sat between two strangers. Although, the same strangers as during breakfast meeting. But my body started reacting.
I started having trouble breathing, and my foot was jumping away like rabid dog. I still felt nothing. I could emotionally connect with the signals my body was sending me, the signals clearly showing I was anxious. So I stepped out of the room. Lady T followed me. It was sweet of her. We had a brief hallway talk, I thinks he noticed I was emotionally disconnected.

Then it was time for mindfulness. It went fine, I was still not really present. But we talked about relations to others. What sort of positive qualities do we like in our relations to others and which do we not like. We all have more or less the same wishes for positive relations. And it is very nice to connect in a way with strangers that way. Deeper conversations are always interessting to me. We got to the mindfulness part where we were focusing on breathing, and I do struggle with that. It always increases my unease, stress and anxiety. It tends to provoke anxiety attacks rather than making me mindful of the moment. Other mindfulness tasks work better for me. Less provoking. I should probably give them feedback on this, and see if there's something else I can do. Or if I just need to try and practice it more with a more open mind?

Afterwards I managed to compliment the psychologist in the room on her sweater. I really meant it, and I think she could tell. Because I always get flustered when I'm trying to give someone a heartfelt compliment. It looked really nice on her.

On the way down to the parking lot I was walking with one of the other patients and I ended up asking her if she wanted to join me for a cup of coffee. Surprising both myself and her. She thought I was brave to ask, and I didn't feel proud. It was just right. I mean, if it was too soon, or if it didn't fit that day - I gave her the opening when I asked. She said yes though, and we had a really deep and great conversation in the middle of the mall surrounded by retirement people. It was like we skipped over all the "the weather sure is nice today"-small talk that one often start a new relation with. We ahd coffee for about 2.5 hour. I think we were both really spent afterwards. I know I sure was.
When I got back to my car I was a little uncertain if I knew how to drive it. Somehow I managed to get home.
ZOMBIE!

But it was a nice day. I expect the rest of the week will be equally tiresome. Except for tomorrow ALL my days are filled with stuff. I'm not sure how I'll manage all of this. I somehow managed to make dinner, and that helped. Clearly, I hadn't consumed enough nutrients during the day. Yet, I will struggle with eating more than I did today.

[Sceal]

I wish I had felt all the things I needed to feel yesterday. Today has been crap.
So much physical pain after all the distancing yesterday.  Shame and sadness vulnerability tongiht. I tried a helpchat line, but it didn't help. Made me feel worse. I guess I didn't run into a good match on the other end tonight. I can try again, but I'm not sure... Seems pointless when I'm having such a hard time putting words to things.

SH urge is strong. Think it'll be an early bed

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
Going to bed early sounds like some good self care.  I'm so sorry your body is keeping the score this week.

Here with you. 

[Sceal]

Woke up at 05, with urge to SH and an anxiety attack about later today.
Haven't done anything, but I need prepare for the day, and I really don't want to. I wish I could get out of today.