Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Didn't manage to calm my impulses I'm afraid. And it also didn't help much either. So double lose-situation.

I went to group today, anxious as *. I drove up early, and I looked at the clock and it said I was an hour early, and in my mind I was like "I can't refuel my car now, I'll be too late", and I had to hit myself on the head (mentally, not physically), refueling my car will take 10 minutes. I have plenty of time. But my anxiety was so massive I needed to be there early, super early. Just in case.... of what? I've no idea. No clue.
Anyway, I refueled the car bought a few pears and drove up. 45 minutes early, first one to arrive obviously. Which was a good thing, because I was more or less in a full blown anxiety attack by this point. I entered the room, the nurse was there. She smiled and said good morning, and I was like "nope.. Sorry, need to..." and I left the room. She followed me, and helped me through it. Bless her. The iron grip of anxiety didn't leave me though, and I sat stiff as a.. i don't know what is stiff?  Lady T was with us today, and she took me out on the hallway after we started to talk a little with me too.

It was challening topics today, and examples. And I felt judged alot, or not judged - but like they were pointing out all my flaws. And I know they werent' talking about me, that this was the Inner Critic and the Iron Fist talking to me. But I got more alive, and more present as the time went by. We had a mindfulness session, and it truly worked today. it was such a relief. Still uneasy, but - I could smile. Like actually smile. And at lunch I was able to participate in the conversations.

I didn't join them after lunch. This was what was triggering my anxiety. On Wednesday we're taking a fieldtrip out of the hospital and onto different venues, or we can go to the gym. And I couldn't decide. I couldn't choose. I didn't want to do either, both became too unpredictable, and both became too much for me where I felt I had to perform, and I'm too tired for that. And I got scared, and my thoughts kept going back and forth. And we were recommended to choose beforehand, and I couldn't. and I felt like a complete failure, and I felt I had to. That I had no choice. Turns out, I do have a choice. And turns out, it's okay if I don't join them when my day is too hard.  So, it's all good.

Also learned that I really do need to think things through more. Question things more. "Why am I anxious now? Why does going to the gym scare me? Why does going to x scare me? Is it because it's a group-thing? Is it because I'm afraid of judgement? What is triggering my anxiety now? And is there truth to my fear?"
Perhaps I should make up a core setting of questions on a note that I can ask when I start going in circles, beause it's so hard to stop up and find the right question to ask to answer.


Did not intend to write so much again... Ah well!

[Wattlebird]

That's a good idea have the questions written down somewhere in ur phone on a card whatever and read them when overwhelmed, I think I'm going to do that I will put them in my phone, I wonder if I'll read them ? Shrug, it's worth a try,
I glad your day improved seal, I'm sorry it started so badly - I arrive an hour early to therapy every week, anxiety   

[Sceal]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with the being-way-to-early thing 
I should figure out the questions and put them somewhere too. I wont use my phone, I don't like using the phone for much tbh. Strangely enough, despite being on it everyday. Another realization!

Why am I on the phone all the time? Hmmm!

[Deep Blue]

I'm proud of you Sceal.  You are doing the work and I hope all good things come your way.  I hope each day ahead gives you more insights, understanding and peace. 

[Sceal]

Thank you Deep Blue, unfortunately my spirits were kicked in the nuts tonight.

I went to a panel debate about mental health, performance demands, education and society. On it sat a student, a teacher, a political analyst and two professor in psychology in their various fields. They talked alot, but I am left with two thoughts and that is A) the high demands that the youth, young adults and kids feel today is so destructive but whenever it is talked about it's about how they need to change - but... It's the older generations that brought us up ( I feel I kind of fall between these two generations... one foot in each) they need to start implementing the changes in themselves before they can say the youth need to be kinder to themselves and one another. They need to take responsibility for what they have created. 

And B).... The distance between those who manage life and those of us who fall between the cracks is getting deeper and further apart. At the same time the politicians are cutting the wellfare funds to scare people NOT to fall through the cracks. (Dam#"@$! I had no choice! I didn't want this) making life harder for me financially, and making the climb back up near impossible.. the future I had is looking bleaker and bleaker. And it's frustrates me to no end when people say I'll make it. It feels invalidating, I understand it's meant to be supportive, but it isn't. It makes me feel even more alone. Even more a failure when I don't live up to the expectations people have that I will make it.

It's something people in my country often say "you need to be da@$4 healthy in order to be sick" you need all the strength and resources a healthy person has to fight the illness, the system and demand your rights.

[Sceal]

Big trouble falling asleep yesterday. I kept waking up. First because of noise outside, then because of dreams and in the end due to physical pain.

Now I got a text message from SA support centre that Lady L is sick and has to cancel. I hope she feels better soon, but this is really terrible timing for me.
I'm so full of anxiety, I don't want to stay at home. I do have a hairdresser appointment. But that's not going to take away the anxiety. I have the voulenteer centre tonight. I feel sick to my stomach each time I think about it.
I will see Lady T tomorrow and another group. And then there will be an empty week-end.
I don't feel so good.
I could call Lady T, I'm allowed. But I am going to see her tomorrow. What if she feels I'm nagging? I saw her yesterday at group.

Breathe...breathe... breathe..

[Wattlebird]

Hey sceal
your a good person 
Thanks for encouraging me with my problems, just do one day at a time, call ur t if you have to, I hope you do ( if needed )

[Sceal]

  thank you.
I did call her, but she was busy.

[Wattlebird]

 
Good work-  sorry she was busy

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
It seems you are in the thick of it my friend.  Good job reaching out to Lady T.  I wouldn't worry about being a nag.  You are not a nag. You are just someone who needs their help right now.  Deep breath

You can also use the support line again.  Maybe you can call a friend a chat on the phone? Maybe curl up with a heating pad for a bit?

It could be the lack of sleep my friend.  Everything is off kilter when I'm not sleeping 

[Sceal]

Lady T called me up again, it just took a long time. She called me at the end of her working day. I  had just sat down on my desk and started writing pro/con list for going to the voulenteer center today when she called. She was impressed I was using DBT-skills to try and sort things out. I started dragging in other troubling subjects too. The future and my fear of it. My exhaustion and shame of not performing well enough at group. To me it's all connected together, she said we'll talk about group tomorrow, and then we'll find a time later on to talk about the future. Which is good.
I also told her I felt my friends were invalidating me when they told me to stop being negative, and she supported me that my fear is valid.
I told her my pro and con list, and she said I had alot on both. I said I had a thought that maybe I should just postpone starting up, that I don't have to either start fully today, or not at all ever. She thought I was being very wise-minded, whatever that means.  She suggested I write the head of voulenteer center that I've just started up a new treatment program that's pretty intensive and taking all my strength - and that I would like to postpone my beginning. I like the word "treatment program", it suggests it has something to do with health - but not which part.

Somewhere in all this mess or words I started crying.

I feel guilty for cancelling. But my anxiety has also left me. So instead of coping and patting myself on the shoulder of a job well done, I'm overeating.
And I've no idea if I'm doing this as SH, or if I'm doing it for another reason. I can't see straight.

In group yesterday, a word was mentioned. A single word, but it hit me so hard because it describes my depression perfectly. I wish it existed in English, but it doesn't. The closest things are "Paralysis" or "Powerless to act", which to me mean other things. But still.. it's the essence. I feel powerless to act when I have to make a desicion. "Should I, should  I not?" "What time should we meet?" "What should I cook for dinner?" "should I eat? should I not?" "Should I go to the hairdresser, or not?"

Blueberry is working on removing the word "should" from her life. And I think it is brilliant. Should is such a toxic, demandig word. Yet I've a hard time letting it go, I don't know what else to replace it with. But perhaps I can learn from Blueberry?

[Three Roses]

So instead of coping and patting myself on the shoulder of a job well done, I'm overeating.

Then let me do it for you. Bravo! Good job! 

I agree, shoulds can be toxic.

[Sceal]

   Three roses!

4 hours of therapy today.

4 hours on Monday to come.


It feels that whenever I open a new door within me, I forget to close the other one. So they are all open at the same time.
It's confusing.

[Sceal]

At first I thought that I'm back to my normal self. Or the normal-me that I've been the past few years. The moderatedly depressed. But not depressed enough I can't deal with it. But I do think my depression is a little deeper than my usual one.

I went to see my family yesterday for dinner. It was hard to pull myself together and not show them how tired I am. I didn't want to tell them it's because of therapy - because I don't want to tell them what we're talking about in therapy.
It was good getting out of the appartment though. It was.
Today I'm just... I'm full of self-hatred. I really am. I yelled at my roomie for no reason, he doesn't deserve my toxic shame and anger at myself. I apologized and he asked if I needed a hug. I do, but I said no.

I feel so awful today. I'm not looking forward to 3 hours group + 1hour session with Lady T focusing on self-harm.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
Sending you love and strength for the week ahead.  We know why you are tired and I'm sorry you needed to hide it from your family.  That can be even more draining to work to hide something.

I wouldn't worry about snapping at your roommate. His offer of a hug means he understands.  Even if you said no... it means he knows that you were not really wishing him ill. 
from me to you since you said you needed it too