Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

  thank you dear

[sanmagic7]

sceal, my dear, just want you to know i'm with you,  you're going thru such a huge transition right now, and, as you said, not having everything in order, like your sleep or that the group has increased in size can surely knock our socks off.  no matter what, you are getting thru this.  at times it may be messy, but we're allowed to be messy every so often.

i relate to wanting to take anit-anxiety meds every so often. i do that with xanax.  sometimes it just feels like everything is so piled up,  and i need a break so my mind can re-calibrate again.  it doesn't happen often - maybe twice a month - but it makes all the difference. 

keep hangin' tough, sweetie.  sending love and hugs, always.

[Sceal]

Saw Lady L today.
The conversation was triggering but I pushed the feelings down. Now I feel so awful.
I feel like screaming and crying and collapsing on the ground. But I can't do that. I am on the bus home. So many people and they are all do scary. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere.

I think I finally found a description that works somewhat to how it is right now. It feels as if my nerves are on the outside of my body. Exposed to take in everything. Every sound, touch, emotion from others, every movement, and it's stuck. I can't turn it off. So it keeps overwhelming and flooding me with all these experiences and impressions. I can't handle this. I called Lady T today, asked about the anxiety med.  She said it was my choice, which made me feel stupid for calling and asking.  But she said maybe I need to try it tomorrow. And on Monday just bring it with me and take it if I need it. 

[Three Roses]

Medication has helped me enormously. Every day I take something for my anxiety. However calm and rational I am (which may not be much compared to others), I owe it to the meds. I just can't do it on my own. I'm gradually accepting that it's okay to need something to even out my internal landscape.

[Sceal]

I'm glad that medication is helping you, Three Roses. It is okay to need medication, we can't control our chemical imbalances with our thoughts or self-soothing in a big enough degree for it to have a lasting effect.
Normally I choose not to be on medication, everytime I'm on regular anti-psychotic or anti-depressants I gain 15kg in 1-2 months, that I never seem to be able to get rid of.  My anxiety medication I try not to use as well, it's highly addictive - the one that I get prescribed. But I did take one this morning.
And I felt a calm within my body, sometimes it started getting restless, there was hints towards something being too intense for me, but due to the pill I remained in control and in the driver seat. It felt good. It really did.
I was able to participate, I was able to pay attention, I was able to interact with the other group members.
It was a hard day for the rest of the group, we watched an animated movie for 5 minutes about self-compassion. It triggered everyone. It's a very good animation, but it came a little out of the blue for some, and I suspect most didn't expect to have such a reaction as they did. I tried to be there for a few of them, in a small capacity. I never know how much I can do when I'm a patient too, I mean when there are professionals around that is supposed to do the job so I don't have to. But at the same time, we're all humans and it feels wrong not to try and support. So I did a little, I hope it was okay.

But it did take a toll though, I'm exhausted. I really am. I think I'm going to take one more pill today before bedtime. My system really do need to be forced to calm down. I can feel my heart racing almost all day, and I normally never feel my heart racing, not even in a panic attack (might be because I'm focusing on all the other things!)

All this stress that's going on is making me comfort eat. Alot. Candy every day. I'm so ashamed, yet I do know that I do need comfort, I just don't have any other means of self-soothing that works. I really don't.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Sounds like you've had a tough day today, but glad you felt that calm in your body - and you got through your group session - I feel sure your showing of compassion to the others was a human trait that is helpful.  I know you're exhausted, so I hope you get some good quality sleep tonight.  Sleep well if you can.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope, I've slept alot this week-end and that's done my body good I think. 

Today has been hard, emotionally. I've felt so sad, and I've been so angry with myself for overeating, for having lost control over the food again. And I worry for the future. I don't quite know why I'm so sad today, nothing sad has happened. I haven't recieved any news. infact, I've been alone 98% of the day. My roomie has been concerned the past two days, I guess I must be eminating something. Funny it happens when all I feel I need is rest, and not when I feel I need support and understanding.
I wanted to buy pizza today, but I'm low on  money - and I'm going abroad again in 2 weeks. It took me all day to stand against myself for buying, then in the end I made spaghetti.. I barely touched the food. It didn't taste anything. I'm not sure how it's possible to make tasteless spaghetti.. but there you go.
I've been longing for bed since 17, it's a little over 21 now, and I can start slowly work my way towards bed.

tomorrow is group, it's the last week of group. Suddenly I don't want it to end, eventhough it is taking all my energy.
I am also sad, I realize.. That christmas is coming really soon, which mean Lady T will be leaving. And it hurts, maybe that's why I've been sad all day, without realizing it.
It's also birthday season. My sister had her birthday the other week, and mine is at the end of november. It's tradition and sort of "obligatory" to have a family birthday dinner -except... I never feel anyone ever wants to be present. My parents, I've mentioned this before, travels abroad in november every year, and they are always gone on my birthday. It hurts, I'll have to admit that. It makes me feel like an unwanted burden. Like they want to escape. But at the same time, they are the ones pushing for the family dinner and gets upset if it doesn't happen. It's weird.
My sister doesn't want to celebrate her birthday next year because this year didn't make her feel particularly wanted.
I guess this is also making me sad and stressed. I just don't like to admit it.
I don't like to admit this is affecting me. And I don't like to admit that I feel like a waste of energy to my parents.

[Sceal]

I'm going to try something new. I'm going to split my journal posts into two sections. One for the bad, painful, stressing stuff and one section to remember the good things that happened during the day. Because I want to try and remember the positives more than the negatives.

The Bad Stuff

I'm feeling raw and vulnerable. I'm terribly insecure about my skills as an artist, and I fear that I wont be able to reach the goal I've set myself, or that I'm simply not skilled enough. This fear is so strong and it is preventing me from daring to take the smaller steps to improve. I feel I should draw every day, most of the entire day. And I feel I should have come so much further than I have. And the stress, guilt and shame of this is... it's really heavy to bear. I highly suspect that my brain is deflecting again. that what I really do need to deal with is that group is ending on friday. And I'm scared of going back to everyday being the same. Despite the fact that group has been extremely hard for me, I've pushed through it. Somewhat.
But it also means that Christmas is approaching like a storm, the time is going so fast, and I am scared to loose Lady T still. Even if it might have a sup-par sollution to it, I am still scared. I don't know yet what that will look like, or if it will even come to fruit.
Next week I'm going to meet the surgeon for the operation, and I feel I need to get a step closer to the desicion if I want to do this or not. Some days I really do want to do it, and other days I'm terrified that I'd be making a horrible mistake. What if the consequences of that surgery is harder to bear than what my current health-state is in right now? But also... am I in the middle of choosing to be in the bad place I am now, because it is more known and familiar? And is that really the choice I should be making?  I kind of don't want to be that person that stays within my comfort circle just because I'm afraid that the thing out there can be worse than where I am now.. Because, who says it's worse? What if it's better? Or what if... it is just simply different?
So many questions, and no one to ask them to. Because I know I have to find the answer to them all on my own.

I've also started being thirsty. I'm usually never thirsty. So I'm obviously concerned that I finally ended up with diabetes. God I hope not. Please, no one more thing... I mean, I know I can deal with it, but I'd rather not. I'd rather not have one more burden on my shoulders to carry around. My eating is out of whack. I'm comfort eating. It's not nessecerilly ALOT of food, but it's candy everyday. A little chocolate, maybe some crisps. Or more carb filled food. I don't even like chocolate! I'm not guilt eating, just comfort. I need comfort. I was thinking maybe I need to find another way of giving myself some comfort. I don't quite know what that can be though. If anyone has any tips on that, by all means, I need suggestions. Even if they might not work.

I also feel like I'm a burden on my friends. They do tell me that they will be there for me, and that they are so grateful to me. But I feel like I'm constantly being negative. And I don't mean to be negative, I just honestly need some support.

My sister is going to start looking for houses now. I'm happy for her. I really am. But it also sucks, she's younger than me. Has a partner and dogs.. She's on disability, so she's not successful. But getting a house and a home to be happy and comfortable with. That's been my lifelong dream, and right now I just feel even more like a failure.  I need some candy 

The Good Stuff
It's cold outside now, but the last few days it's been sunny. I didn't go for a walk today, eventhough I could. But my body was so worn out, I decided to let it rest rather than pushing it past my exhaustion level. I think my body and mind is still recovering from the extremely stressful last two weeks. I did stay out in the sun though, almost all day. I was at my parents to fix up my new desk. I had my brother inlaw fix my livingroom table into a new computer and drawing table. It was too big for the living room, but I like the surface of the table. He has cut it smaller, and fixed taller legs on it. So now I'm just making it look prettier. I cuddled the dogs alot too, playing a bit with them and petting them. I had lunch and coffee with mom, and I lay down on the sofa to continue reading my fantasy book when I needed a final break from the table.
I've tried to cheer up my sister, and help her find sollutions.
I took a shower and I did some laundry. All boring tasks, but nessecery. I even called the student loan thingy to ask them a question, and they were helpful. I'd been putting that off, because it's scary.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
I agree that the decision for surgery is one you have to make yourself but it doesn't have to be on your own.  I think you can ask those you care about what they would do.  Do you know anyone else who has had the same surgery? Maybe you could ask them too?

As far as candy, if you need to comfort eat and want sweets, sugarfee popsciles or jello is low calorie.  Lollipops last awhile and are not high in calories.  What are crisps? Are those chips? Popcorn with 97% fat free is great crunchy and filling. 

Spending time in the sun sounds great.  We have trick or treating tonight but it may be a wash... lots of rain expected 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I'm glad you've had a rest and I hope that you feel somewhat better for it.  Sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok.  I haven't read all of your entry in your Journal, I read the Good Stuff - and I wish you more of that, plus the strength to handle the bad stuff. 
Hope you are cosy and warm tonight - I saw that Deep Blue mentioned that it may be a wash outside.  I hope you're dry inside, Sceal - or wherever you want to be. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Deep Blue,
I got mixed answers from the people around me, but they are just as clueless too. One of them said she'd rather move to Russia and eat rotten carrots than go through the surgery and she's a doctor! Makes me a little scared.  But it's more the informed knowledge I am lacking. I don't really want to discuss it with people who doesn't understand biology. you know?

Also, crisps is chips, yes

Hope,
Thank you for wishing me more Good stuff and strength to handle the Bad stuff. There is definetively raining here. Although Deep Blue and I doesn't live on the same continent

[Sceal]

The Bad Stuff

I slept really poorly last night. I was so ready for bed. My mind and my body was so tired when I finally got out of a call and went to bed. It was cozy and cold in the bedroom, but alas no sleep. I drifted off and on a few times, but my bladder was extremely active and I had to pee at least 3-4 times. And everytime I got up and had to walk into the light of the hallway and bathroom I'd wake up a little more.  I ended up having a very bizarre dream right before the alarm finally went off. I was driving somewhere, but it was the wrong direction. I needed to be somewhere else in 2 hours, but then I was having huge problems controlling the car, the roads were REALLY zig-zaggity. Was hard staying on the road, and suddenly I was in this national park for extreme adventurers. Where we could camp, drive on old fallen trees, and loads of weird *. It ended with me being mauled by a puma. Which is completely random. It was a quick dream though, so I wasn't quite at my strongest attending second to last session with group.

During group today we had of course about my most favourite subject: Radical Acceptance. We watched a video I've watched twice before, but I understood things a little differently this time. And I made some notes, and I had a few thoughts about this subject that wasn't completely throwing me off into the mental-tantrum-mode. But then there were discussion about the subject in the group, and at first I felt like such a slow-poke. Because this was the first time many of them had heard about this subject and they all seemed to get it.

But then they started talking about forgiveness for them selves. And at first I thought, that sounds nice. But then I realized what that meant, and I couldn't. Memories kept attacking me. They weren't quite flashbacks, because I knew exactly where I was, what day it was, and who was talking. But I was overwhelmed with shame and sadness.
When it comes to forgiving, I realized that... The one part of me who has the "power" to forgive simply wont, but it's such a small part of me. Most of me simply, truly, believes that I am not worthy of deciding who should and shouldn't be forgiven. I don't believe that I have the right to forgive anyone, that right doesn't belong to me because I am not worthy.
And then I kept being attacked with memories over and over and over again. It was hard. But I stayed, and I was fighting the desire to fall into a dissociation. It wouldn't have been hard, it would just have made me let go of the present. But, i had decided that today I was going to participate.

After mindfulness we had some extra time, and they started talking a little bit again and I decided that I could leave the room now. So I did. Lady T was there today, and she followed me out.

The Good Stuff
Lady T was at the group today, and despite being sleep deprived I managed to socialize a little with her during breakfast meeting today, other than sitting akwardly beside her. I complimented her on her yellow sweater. It looked really good on her. Today she was a safe-person for me, she wasn't one who I felt I had to perform for. Which was a nice change, maybe because last week I had a melt down and she was there helping me out of it tears, snot and saliva and it all.

Second half of group today was going to the gym. I didn't feel like it, I was still feeling sad about the things I mentioned above, but I decided to join the rest of the group there and I'll just see what would happen. I ended up going on the threadmill for 20 minutes next to one of the physio-therapists, and I noticed that although it wasn't a huge workout, the sadness was leaving me alittle. I wasn't feeling great or motivated. But I was there, and I started getting restless so I looked for other workout things to do. I got some guidance and that helped. In the end I worked out my legs and my arms - and I ended up feeling alittle proud of myself.

I checked in with myself, and I realised that what I needed today was to stay at home and chill after group. I was going to make a proper dinner and read a little and draw some, and rest. So I cancelled on my support-friend. I'll see her tomorrow instead. I'm happy I didn't push myself out today, perhaps this is one step of learning to balance things. I mean I -could- have done it, and it would have been nice. But it might not have been what my mind and body needed.

My sketching and studying went better today than yesterday. I felt I got a bit better handle on it today, although I feel I could have drawn alot more than I did, I am satisfied with what I did do. And I'll try to keep that in mind.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
I'm still loving this good stuff bad stuff split. Some of the radical acceptance stuff could possibly go in the good stuff portion though right? U like that video right?

I love that you talked to Lady T without feeling the need to perform.  I think that's huge and I'm so glad you noted it.  Much love my dear

[sanmagic7]

i'm also loving your good/bad split.  i agree with db that some of what you've written under 'bad' might actually be something positive for you cuz you've realized it, verbalized it.  it might start making a shift to the 'good' side eventually.  that would be nice.

your undecidedness about your surgery is completely understandable to me.  it's a huge decision to make.  i hope you find some informed sources to talk to.  are there any online resources where people who have had this surgery talk about their experience?  i think the medical profession could be contradictory.  of course, so could be experiences.   it just might give you more insight into what people have gone thru which could help you better make a decision for yourself.  best to you with this, sweetie.  it's a tough one.

you're tough, tho.  keeping it together during group, being mindful, going outside your comfort zone for the gym, and then wanting more - yeah, you're a tough cookie when it comes down to it.  as far as forgiving, i think that decision will come in time.   it's so personal.  i go in several different directions with it, often depending on the circumstances.

love you, sweetie.   

[Sceal]

To clarify the Good and Bad section:
Sometimes there will be parts of my day that fits into both category. Then I'll have to make a "desicion" on where to put it. If it has mostly, or leads to a Bad experience/emotion, that's where it will end up. Even if parts of it is good. And this is so I don't diminish the discomfort or pain, but also so that the parts I put in the Good section are the memories I want to keep purely as a good memory. If that makes sense?

And it's also to avoid me ONLY putting perspective on the negatives part of my days. There's some studies that show that when you write down a memory or/and re-think about it and go through it again, it will become a stronger memory, and easier for you to pick back up again as a part of who you are. This goes for both bad and good events. But having cPTSD and MPD, the negatives are usually the things that get the most attention. So... just trying to strengthen my brain a bit.

Also, unsure what to do with the things that are neither good or bad... they just are. I'll figure it out eventually.

The Bad Stuff
Once again I slept poorly. My body is so sleepy. I had a hard time motivating me to do anything today, despite having quite a bit to do. (I ended up doing nearly all of it, but more on that later). It's frustrating that I'm so sleepy and unmotivated. I have a doctors appointment next week because I fear I am getting far too close to diabetes. I'm thirsty a whole lot more, and I'm usually never thirsty. And that is one of the signs. I still have problem with my urinary tract/bladder control and the medication I got for it is no longer helping. I'm also scared for my blood pressure, when I was trying to become a blood donor they took my blood pressure, and it was way too high for someone my age.
So I think I'm a little stressed out with this, it's things I feel that I have very little control over - yet I do know that I can. By exsercise more/better and making better food choices. But the food thing is overwhelming me so much, and I'm scared. I really am.

Tomorrow I have Lady T in the morning, the last session with group and then an appointment with the Eating Disoder sentre. I suppose I should name her too, she will be Lady E. For Eating disorder. It will be an intense day, not nessecerilly bad, but it will make me vulnerable and I know that it is too much in one day. I know this. But sometimes I just have to push through. Hopefully my week-end wont be ruined by it.

Had a meeting with Lady L today.
We talked about roles today. The roles I put on, the automatic one. Because howcome can I go abroad, hang out with friends I have never met in person before, and people I don't really know and be nearly totally fine the entire trip? With lack of sleep, increased alcoholic consumption, and definitevly increased social activitiy?  when I cannot do the same at home? Why am I those two fundamentally different people. What is happening? Lady L raised the question whether I assume these social roles here at home, because it's what I know, it's what the people around me know -and then it becomes familiar, safe and automatic. I know I'm a very good at being a patient. I know what to say, what not to say, when to say things. I know how much information to give, how much to hold back, and to whom I have to tell what. In the broad term. I've been a patient in various degrees my entire life, it's safe. And I am completely comfortable with health care professionals. Now those of you who have read my journal for a while, do know that I do struggle with bringing up certain topcis, that I dissociate and panic in my sessions, and all of that's all true, it's not something I make happen, choose to happen, or pretend to happen. That's not really what I mean. Lady T has been different than the rest, because I've allowed myself to take down that wall I usually put up. There's more to it, but I don't really want to get into it.

It lead me to understand one thing about myself though, or perhaps, something I'm not so proud of and something I can't really control and don't know what to do about it. But, I don't know who I am when I am not these people.
When I'm not a patient, when I'm not my parents daughter, when I'm not the friend who always picks up the phone when it calls and says yes to all the favours or always listens when it's needed. Because all of these roles were given to me...

So who am I outside of them?

The Good Stuff
I got all my chores done. Cleaning, hoovering (including the sofa), laundry, changing bed linen, grocery shopping and somehow a 15 minute break before heading to town to meet up with Lady L. She's back from her sick-leave, and just in time too I think. For me. Selfishly as I am.

The conversation with Lady L was nessecary, and it's uncomfortable. But it opens up some new line of thinking for me. I don't know what to do about it yet though, and despite it all. My words were more fluent today than they sometimes are. I had relfective thoughts. I acknowledged to myself and to Lady L that I have limitations in what can be expected of me. Not by choice, not because I want to be lazy or not to take responsibility, but because things have happened to me in my life that prevents me to have the same options as others. It's hard to acknowledge this to others, but also to myself. Because I really don't want to. But I think, the sooner I understand that it's okay, the sooner I can start using less time and energy and effort fighting this mentally.

Then I had an appointment with my support-friend. I met her in town and we went out for a drink, her treat (again!). I got an alcoholic drink, which I never get, and I didn't know if it was appropriate, but she said it was cool. It tasted exactly like an apple pie. Mmm *#% it was tasty. I got to whine a bit about my roomie, and some other things, but she cheered me up. And when I got home, my roomie had done what I had feared he wouldn't do. Which was awesome!
And then I got a message from my friend that I won a really cool art-product. I wasn't planning on buying it, but I am really looking forward to recieving it and testing it out.