Sceal's new journal

[sanmagic7]

wow, sceal, your words about 'who am i if i'm not so-and-so?' really struck a chord with me.   i've gone thru that phase several times throughout my life, and it was some of the most difficult each and every time.  who am i if i'm not a helper?  who am i if i'm not a mom to kids who are dependent on me?  who am i if i'm not solving all the problems?  there are several more of those, just too long a list.

all those roles definitely left me bereft of a core being/knowing who i am as myself.  just want you to know you're not alone with this.  i also got very comfy in mexico with being sick and disabled, letting my hub take care of me.  it was a rough transition from doing everything for everybody, living up  to their expectations, and letting someone do for me, make the decisions.  it's a tough place to navigate.

it's still taking time to sort thru every so often, cuz i can fall back into those roles.  not as easily, but too often when i'm feeling my strongest.  maybe that's backwards from what you're saying, but i think it's kind of a similar dynamic.  taking charge (old) instead of asking opinions (healthier).  rough waters at times.

i think you're asking all the right questions, tho, so i believe you'll get there.  and, thanks for explaining the 'good/bad' split.  it makes perfect sense to me.  you seem to be so very much more in charge of yourself than even 6 mos. ago.  your determination and perseverance are evident.  you're inspiring, sweetie.  i love seeing this.

sending love and hugs. 

[Deep Blue]

I agree with San.  I also find myself sorting through roles that I have. Some roles I am happy to have.  Some roles o wish i could shed.

The difference between me and you is that I chose many of my roles.  Some were given to me but not all of them.   I chose to teach.  I chose to try to help others.  I choose the type of mother I want to be.

Sending you love as you sort through your roles

[Sceal]

I think I had a sense of self and who I was as a young child. But during teenage years my identity became what others needed it to be. I was very naive and idealistic, and those things belonged to me. But everything else belonged to everyone else. After I left my r* ex, I tried to find a sense of self, but I don't think I did so well. I ended up in the cultish group, and they stripped what little I had left. And I became a puppet, pure and simple.

to you both, for sharing your struggles with me. A psychologist in my city wrote a new book about identity, I would like to read it. But it's too new so the library doesn't have it, and currently it's too pricy for my wallet. Perhaps if I get some money for christmas.

The Bad Stuff: Trigger warning
Woke up with inflammation-pain in both my shoulders.

I had a huge slice of cake at the breakfast meeting at Group.

At group I had to leave the session once, at the end right before lunch, and I ended up crying. We were once again talking about radical acceptance. Like a re-cap, and they were bringing up that "Things happen for a reason." And that "Given the set of circumstances nothing else could have happened". Which translates to me that all of my r*s had a reason: I just can't for the life of me figgure out what that reason would be for me. I mean, I get the reason for them was sexual pleasure and a display of power. So was the reason for me to become subjugated, punished, shown my place? Because, really, I already knew that before hand. And that given the circumstances... it means that it could not have been avoided. At all. So, it is my fault then. And I'm supposed to accept this - because that will reduce my suffering? I accepted a long time ago that my worth is miniscule, if even it exists at all- that can be debated. The R*s have made me suffer. Perhaps that was the reason behind it all. To make me suffer. So how is accepting that going to make me suffer less?  [End: Trigger warning]

At the eating disorder sentre today my new contact is really pushy and strict. I did tell her I do not mind her being strict. But she did push me hard today, I felt I had to defend myself, and not in a good way. I wanted to flee, I wanted to be subordinant, I wanted to quit. But I stayed there, and I did argue a little (not fighting, not raised voices, not that kind of argue). I think there might have been some miscommunication, or not mis, but lacking. I think we both didn't fully explain what we meant and our thoughts around the subject of the surgery is.
She said alot of people who take that surgery regains their weight all over again because they don't deal with emotions, and she thinks I need to postpone until I'm ready. I told her, I know they do, but most people don't even try to get a handle of their eating disorder, or even know they have one, before they go into surgery, and I am. I am at the eating disorder centre, I am in therapy. I am regularly talking with my GP. I am trying. But I have to admit, I might not try so hard with the eating disorder bit as I should. I didn't say that part. I talked about feeling stuck. And I told her I am not only doing the weightloss surgery because I want to have a normal weight, but because of my physical health. If I keep pushing it, keep prolonguing it... I might wait too long and end up with diabetes, cancer or heart problems. My body can only wait so long, and if I -ever- want to even think about daring to date and eventually have a child of my own, I need to do this fast. Because there's no pregnancies for 2 years after the surgery, and I'm in my 30ies. The older I get, the higher risk it is for both baby and I. Despite modern medicine.
So... she pushed me. Hard. But I told her, I feel stuck, everything I've tried - nothing works. Nothing has worked. And I need help, and I need her to help me.
I hope she understands that. And I hope she wont judge me because of the surgery, because that is what it feels. Like she's saying that "I'm taking the easy way out". It's not an easy way out.

... I think I'm getting riled up.  I didn't realise that I had all of these thoughts and emotions earlier today.

The Good Stuff
Felt fine this morning. Was in a good mood when I went to see Lady T. She gave me a few ideas on how to stop eating crap when I'm in town. To decide beforehand that if/when I get hungry I go and buy two pears, or two apples. Eat them, and see what happens. If I need more food, I'll get proper food because I wont be struggling with overwhelming thoughts, emotions, and low blood pressure. And if I decide now, then I don't have to try and figgure out what I can and cannot eat when I am in town.
Not quite sure how to avoid buying candy at the store though. We'll get to that next week.  It felt good talking to her today. She was enthusiastic despite the fact she overslept.

Group today was good. I managed to stay present the entire time! Except for the moment I wrote about in the bad section. I talked to the nurse, and it went over quicker than the other times. I managed to laugh with the others, and hold conversations. I even managed to join in on the body-work session. And I decided to go before it got too much for me. I gave the other people my number, and I got theirs in return. So I'm staying in contact with atleast some of them I hope. And it'll be nice I think. Hopefully.

After group I went to the eating disorder sentre. and at the end of the session we decided to start working properly with my eating. Starting tomorrow I have to write down everything I eat, what time, and what I'm feeling at the time and why I was eating. I'm to do that for a long time, but the first 2 weeks of it I am to eat whatever the F* I want. And I'm not allowed to have any yes/no food. At week 3 I have to start having 4-5 meals a day. No exception. It doesn't have to be big, but it has to be something.  She said, if I end up wanting a chocolate as my evening meal, then okay, whatever. But 4 meals a day. Still not allowed to have any yes/no food and I can still eat whatever I want.  I think after that it'll change again. But it's too soon to talk about that.
This is going to be a hard homework for me, it's really going to be challenging. Because it is several times a day... EVERY DAY. But I think it's good. I will try, and hopefully she'll keep me accountable, despite I wont see her for nearly 4 weeks. (we're both going on vacations).

I got home, and it stopped raining. So I walked an extra busstop. It's not far, but it was nice. I could smell the autumn. The cold air, the fallen leaves, and I could almost feel the old playfulness I used to have as a child in atumn.

I got home, and it was quiet. Roomie was still at work. And it was bless! I lay down on the sofa and read my fantasy book. And it was JUST what I needed. It's late now, and so I'm going to go get ready for bed and bring the book with me to bed. Because roomie is grumpy - and I think he'd like to be left alone and I'm happy to let him be alone tonight.

This got long.

But I did discover something interessting. I had alot more to say than I thought I had, and as I was writing the bad stuff, it got really difficult for me. But writing down the Good stuff afterwards made the hard feelings dissipate a little. And that sure is interessting.

[Deep Blue]

Fantastic Sceal! I just want you to know that I read every word. 

I have to admit I agree with your qualm about radical acceptance.  How are we supposed to get over our shame if everything happens for a reason? I don't believe your r* happened for a reason.  Maybe it was a reason for them but who could accept that type abuse.  Maybe I don't understand radical acceptance but i don't think abuse happens for a reason.

As far as the good: I'm so excited for your process.  I think the fact that you are writing about it and the possibilities shows your drive.  I just think you are wonderful Sceal

[Hope67]

I got home, and it stopped raining. So I walked an extra busstop. It's not far, but it was nice. I could smell the autumn. The cold air, the fallen leaves, and I could almost feel the old playfulness I used to have as a child in atumn.

I got home, and it was quiet. Roomie was still at work. And it was bless! I lay down on the sofa and read my fantasy book. And it was JUST what I needed.

Hi Sceal,
I read all your entry here, and think you did really well in expressing both the Bad Stuff and the Good Stuff  - and I loved what you wrote about enjoying the Autumn walk you took home, and the fact you enjoyed reading your fantasy book when you got home.    to you, and I hope you slept well.
I can see you're doing a lot of challenging stuff at the moment, and I want to wish you the best with everything you're doing. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Dear Deep blue, Thank you so much. For reading it all. It was alot to read. I'm not sure if I understand radical acceptance either. The nurse told me it's a process, and I just feel I'm not in this process. 

Dear Hope, thank you as well for reading it all.
I enjoyed smelling the autumn too, old but good and faint memories. And thank you for wishing me well. 


The Bad Stuff
I'm worn out today. I know it's an after effect of yesterday, that it was too much for me. I suspected as much beforehand. But sometimes you just have to have those days.
I woke up early, but fell asleep on the sofa for 2 hours.
Went to meet a friend, but the mall was over crowded with people. It never have this many people at this crappy mall. Everywhere. No personal space. It was exhausting.
I am supposed to write down everything I eat. It sucks. It really, really sucks. I keep thinking of food now. How much, how little, what? When?  should I not eat, so I end up eating too much.
I had alot of chocolate, and I have to write it down. I feel awfull in my stomach now.
And I'm so worn out. It's too early for bed, but I might go anyway. 
Feeling vulnerable, restless, worn out, sad.. And my heart is racing. Lady T is probably smart in telling me I need to get the physical checked out.

The good stuff
Had lunch with a friend today, his treat. The food and company was nice despite all the crowds. Went to his place for coffee after. Talked about surgery, about psychology, about his work, the society, the usual stuff we talk about. It was nice, and he drove me home afterwards.

[Wattlebird]

Hi sceal just wanted to butt in about radical acceptance, I thought radical acceptance was about accepting ourselves for the truth of who we were, not about accepting what had happened to us as " having a purpose ", I thought it was more like accepting the truth and to stop running from it as such, as well as accepting all our parts, mind this may be my interpretation and way off.
Anyway sceal keep up the good work

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Sceal,
I'm so glad you were able to enjoy the company of your friend even though the mall was overcrowded.  Crowds can really mess with me. 

I'm pretty worn out today too.  I think I'm gonna take today to relax and try to recharge my battery.  I say if you want to go to bed early do it.  If you think it's too early you don't have to sleep.  You can read a little? What does your body tell you? 

Take good care friend

[Sceal]

I would like to give you two a proper response, but I can't right now.

The Bad Stuff
Woke up finding my roomie not asleep,  meaning I wouldn't have my quiet morning time. That of course meant I lashed out. We fought. Not a great start on the day.

My body is in disarray. I didn't do anything but watch Big bang theory and at the end of that I was so exhausted I needed to lie down on the sofa. I put on an alarm, because I have a physiotherapy session today. I was just dozing on the sofa when I got a text message. But it sent my body into full activation. That's an hour ago now, and it still hasn't calmed down.

My emotional self is okay, so is my mind. Most of the time, but my body is stressing. It's struggling. And I think it might be because of the group, the surgery and yesterdays birthday dinner.

I am waiting for the bus to the treatment now. And while waiting here I saw a man who looked way to similar to J. Not great. Awful infact. I was hoping coming on here would help me calm down. But it's not really helping today

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal, I hope that your physio appointment goes ok, and that you're able to feel more relaxed or better later - but whatever happens, just wanted to send you a gentle and supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope, The physio went fine. It was just talking and asking for advice about how to learn to know my body, how to not extend my body's limitations and boundaries. I didn't learn much new, but it was good for me to hear her say it. To remind me to slow down, and gradually increase.
But most importantly she told me that me and my body does not have the same prerequisite as a healthy person without soma or psychologocial issues. I needed to hear that from her.

The Bad Stuff

Struggling with the food thing. I guess it's because I'm focusing so much on it now. But it's only a few days into this writing down everything part. I have to give it time, it will take time. I have people around me now, if I spin out of control I can tell them.

I've been drained all day. Been vulnerable to being around people, stressed me out. And I just.. I can't take more stress right now. I really, honestly need to de-stress. Both me and my body needs to. I've felt pretty awful all day today, but despite that... Most of my day belongs under good stuff.. And that's because i believe in the long term effects of them. The short term effects is making me feel pretty *.

The Good Stuff
Saw Lady T today, still no news on what's happening after new years. We'll continue with trauma therapy now that group is over. It was difficult today, I went in and out, and I struggled really hard to maintaining mental presence. She encouraged me to tell her the story of what happened during one of my flashbacks. She'd interrupt me and ask me to what I was feeling in my body, or asking me where I was, or having me count things or name things. At some point we threw a ball back and forth to ground me again. I cried a little.
But I did do it. I did tell her what happened. She already knew, we've worked on this flashback alot of times before. But she's had my letter about it.
It's not a bad flashback per say. It's what it means to me, and what it reminds me of that bothers me the most.
But she made me feel safe. I don't think I've felt this kind of safe in her office before, not the same way. It was nice. And I'm proud of myself for actually saying the words from my flashback.

I took the bus to town, and then the tram to my GP. I've been suspecting I'm getting dangerously close to diabetes. Increased fatigue and thirst is one of the symptoms. She checked my BP, and that is back to normal now. We also had a conversation around the surgery, and she's calmed my fears somewhat. I feel better after having talked to her. She's such a kind woman. She called me a taxi, free-of-charge, to drive me home. She understood I wasn't capable of taking two buses to get back home.

[Three Roses]

Lady T sounds lovely. So glad you have a therapist you can connect with, who is knowledgeable and helpful. May I offer you a ?

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
That's really well done for working through the flashback with Lady T.  Staying grounded and feeling safe is so important.  I have lots of flashbacks and I've heard myself say, "it's not a particularly bad flashback".  The truth is, it doesn't matter what kind it is.  It's how it makes you feel.

Kudos to you for your hard work and grounding while going through it.  That sounds like it could be really emotionally draining.  Maybe that's why you feel tired? Just a thought.

Sending you so much love 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I would also like to wish you much love and send you a hug 
Your Lady T sounds very supportive and I'm glad she helped you get home safely too. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Ladies!

I would love a hug from you, Three Roses  Lady T is definitevly a keeper, if I only can keep her on. That is currently the unanswered question. She's hinted there might be a way, but I don't want to push her.

Deep Blue,
Lady T knows her business with keeping me grounded. We've worked together for 2 years, I think she spots it very quickly when I start to drift off, before I even have a chance to register it. Although sometimes it happens really quickly. And you're right, it doesn't matter if it's a Super Bad flashback, or a mildly bad one. They still makes us feel bad and sucked into the vortex of bad memories.  It's funny though, when we were laying out the plan for the steps forward she said we should go back to focusing on the flashbacks, and maybe move on to the other ones. I told her I was hoping she wouldn't say that. She pointed out that's avoidant behaviour, and I agreed. I told her it's my automatic responce, and she knows that. She admitted that she sometimes get carried away in my avoidance, I said I know. But I don't do it intentionally, and she knows that too. And we laughed a little

Hope,
Lady T and GP is two different people. Lady T is my Therapist, and GP is just my doctor, my General Practitioner. But they are both very supportive women, and I am very fortunate to have them in my life. It was a rare treat that she helped me get home. I've never asked for it before, technically I didn't ask for it yesterday either. I just told her I was scared to travel back home because it was so tiresome and overwhelming. She offered and I said yes. But it was an exception, it wont happen next time.