Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Decided to break it up into two posts, to avoid it getting overwhelmingly long. Just in case!

The Bad Stuff
Still struggling with food. I'm going to overeat today, it's weird that I know that's what's going to happen. But it is. Might be because I've been so active today and I'm just hungry on top of things.

This food thing is really hard for me. I feel so guilty over it. Because I know there are people who struggle FAR more with food than I do, and I just feel like I'm whining. But I can't sort it out in my head, I can't make it make sense. I don't know what's good for me, what's bad, what's enough, too little or too much. And if I'm eating socially then my mind goes "did I eat too much now, what will they think?" and if there's a bag of crisps or bowl of candy on the table meant for everyone and I take one bit, I will be focusing on that for the rest of the evening. "Can I take one more. They took two, that one took 3 bits... is it okay for me to have another one then? Or will they think poorly of me. Am I showing poor self control?"  Etc.

The Good Stuff
It's mostly been a good day today actually. I think the resting yesterday really helped out. It's also been surprisingly warm outside, no wind and NO RAIN!

I had planned to go to the gym today, to the one that I went with together with the group, and I did manage to get my * out the door in time. I even got out early (surprise! not. I'm chronically early for everything). I saw some of the group members who are still in group, and went inside with them. It was nice. I got a hug, which was also nice!

Then I headed to town to withdraw some currencies since I'm travelling abroad on Friday. And I had my appointment with the Ear-nose-throat doctor. He was my GP for 10-11 years, and thanks to him I'm still alive. He saved me from sucidality so many times. I don't think he realizes how important he's been to me in my life. It's always nice seeing him. He told me however that my hearing is a tiny bit imparied on the right side. Which confused me, because I had the impression it was the left ear that was the problem. But ah well. Nothing to do about it, it's not that bad.

I went to my parents, had a nice thai dinner. Played with the dogs. Drank coffee and went home.

All in all, fairly easy day.

[Deep Blue]

So funny! I had Thai for dinner too.  Hope yours was as tasty as mine.

I am crossing my fingers and hoping that there will be a smooth transition with Lady T.  Or that you can continue to see her.  You 2 work well together and I see growth and healing in you.

Your Ear nose and throat doctor seems nice. I also have some hearing loss. 
Sending you some love darling 

[sanmagic7]

my dearest sceal, i've done so much the same with eating/food, especially when i'm out.  the little parts of it, just like you described.   kind of weird to me that i'd do that - it must be from messages in my childhood.  that's all i can think of.  and, i also have 'eating days' - i also just know, and i've been able to get to the point that when it happens, i just let it.  it's not every day, and for some reason i must need to do it, so i go ahead.  it's been good to get rid of the guilt i used to feel about it, too.

you are doing so well with joining in now, so different from several months ago.  well done!  i hope you can keep it up - i like that you're feeling nice things about it.

love and hugs always.

[Sceal]

Thank you Deep Blue and San!  to you both

The Bad Stuff
I drove the 2 hours to the hospital where I'm getting the surgery. It's a nice drive, pretty landscape. I intended to stay around in the village for a little while before the meeting, but it was too cold so I didn't bother. But I was there early of course. I had a little meltdown before I went in, and I called my M, she wasn't very helpful. She made me feel worse. so I called my sister instead, and she surprised me with loads of kindness and support. I am definitively calling her again.
It turned out the entire trip was incredible pointless. All the surgeon asked me (he was really weird), was if I was up for the surgery now or what my thoughts was. (since it had been postponed). I said yes. And he just said "I trust you, I'll send it in" I didn't get to ask my questions. I feel we could have had this conversation on the phone. Instead of having me drive 4 hours.

I was a wreck when I got home. I ordered a large pizza. I knew it was contradicting to where I had just been. But I just couldn't cook. and I couldn't deal with it all. I got in the door, told my roomie I can't do social interaction. I ate some pizza and went to bed before 19.00.
Felt *, drained, and not any way of being able to do the remaining packing.
Woke up early today, and packed the rest of the stuff. I'm already tired again. 11 hour trip before landing! (not counting 2 hours before flight at the airport)

I got to drive over to my moms in a short while so she can drive me to the airport, she's undoubtly going to ask me about yesterday. Meh, I don't want to.

The Good Stuff
I'm going on a trip to see my friends. A was here in February, but  I haven't seen E in a few years. I was supposed to visit them 2 years ago, but I got hospitalized. So no go. Trying again today!

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I would like to wish you a good trip and hope that you have an enjoyable vacation.   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

This is getting crazy! I had pizza for dinner too. 

I'm so glad your sister was able to help ease your stress.  I'm sorry your m was the opposite of helpful.  Take care

Have a great trip. 

[Wattlebird]

I just finished a pizza not 5 minutes ago

[sanmagic7]

safe and enjoyable trip, sweetie.   love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Thank you all! 

I am sitting at the airport in the middle east, it's less than an hour until boarding. I am tired, and I am also sad that I am going back home.

I am always better when I am traveling. Almost no anxiety, close to no PTSD symptoms. I get stressed and worried, but I think that's just normal jitters from being in a strange new place. I often get questions and wonders from people who know I struggle about how I manage to travel. I wonder if I find it out, if I then can somehow transform that into my daily life.
But then also.. maybe it will take away the magic of traveling a bit?

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope your journey was a safe one back home. 
to you.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope, I am home safe and sound.

The Bad Stuff
I'm exhausted after the journey. Eventhough when I was down there I didn't feel all too stressed, I was relaxing alot. I had some physical pain, and I was uncomfortable with my body, but the moments, although recurring, were also fleeting. And most of the time I chose not to fall down into that rabbit hole.
I ate enough, and I didn't overeat. Although I had something sweet everyday. I also walked more than I normally do, and I think that played it's own role. But I also do think that there's something here at home that takes all the air out of me. I'm not sure what it is, if it is the fact i'm not living on my own, if it is the city that I'm living in, if it's the fact that I somehow feel like I have to be better person than I am all the time?  It's hard to tell.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I never know how to feel about it. So I end up stressing about it.
My GP phoned me when I was away, she told me I'm low in Vitamins and need to take more pills.

Yesterday I was so destroyed. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. I had a nap, that didn't help me much. In the evening my roomie asked if i wanted pizza, he'd treat me to one. I ate and ate and ate a big pizza on my own. I couldn't stop. It was awful. I hate myself for it.

The good stuff
I asked three girls if they want to join me for a drink and to watch the new harry potter movie with me at the cinema for my birthday, and they all said yes. So hopefully it'll be a nice day after all. It's also supposed to be sunny, so I think I'll try and find a forest and walk around in it for a while.

[Three Roses]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[Deep Blue]

Happy Birthday Sceal!
I hope you get a chance to relax and enjoy it   

[Hope67]

Wishing you a Very Happy Birthday Sceal   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

happy birthday, sweetie.  let us know how that movie is - i didn't like the first one in this new series, but this next one looks a bit more promising.

at any rate, i hope you have a wonderful day.

glad you're back, safe and sound.  interesting about how different you feel when traveling compared to being home.  and i can totally relate to being exhausted after a trip.  hope you can rest a bit, find some nature to soothe you.

love and birthday hugs, sweetie.  enjoy!