Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Thank you San and Wattlebird. Your words are so kind. I don't know where you see my battle spirit, kindness or strength. But it is comforting that you see it, even if I don't.

the bad stuff
Roomie started yelling at me the moment he woke up today. Over something incredible stupid. It's hours ago by now, but I still feel like *. I continued picking the fight, it wasn't fair. The last year or so, I think, nearly everytime I talk to him he sighs or groans. No matter what it is that I say. I feel so small.

I am sitting at the eating disorder centre now. I am so full of shame I just want to cry. This morning's fight doesn't help either. I am scared too and sad. So vulnerable.
Not the best day to tackle this.. but perhaps that's even more reason to be here today...
God I hope I don't cry...

[Deep Blue]

Sending you some love and protection from the shame my dear. I like how you said it may be a good day to be there.


Is it possible your roomie is taking his aggression out on you? Maybe it's transference.  If I were your roomie I would treat you as the valuable person you are.  I would be kind and loving with you and encourage you when you feel down. 

[sanmagic7]

 

dang, sweetie, what's his deal?  sounds like he's out of line with you too much of the time.  very sorry you have to go thru that. 

i'm glad you're at the centre.  hopefully, you'll be able to leave some of the shame there.  i think you're dealing with a lot right now, but you're also showing your strength and spirit by not running away from this.  and, yeah, that stuff about you is very clear to me.  maybe you don't see or feel it, but each step forward you're taking to tackle this situation shows it.

keep going, sceal.  i think you're remarkable.   love and hugs.

[Sceal]

 

The Bad Stuff

**TW: SA**
It seems I'm stuck in a rut with nightmares. Last night I dreamt that the man who were manipulating and verbally abusing my friend for 4-5 years, were trying to take control over me too. The only problem was that instead of using his words he was SA and r*ing me in my dreams. It wasn't quite, how shall I say it, shame-free dream. I woke up feeling crappy. I suspect this theme of nightmares is happening now, because 2 years ago is when I cut all ties with my latest r*ist. And when I was down at the store the other day, I was looking at the post office section and thinking "Maybe it'd be better to get a post box address instead when I move, perhaps that can hide my address on the surface a bit?" and then Anxiety, Paranoia and fright hit me all at once.. What if they decide that this year they want to send me a christmas card? "Asking" where I dissapeared to? By they, I mean his family. His wife wasn't much better, she was never physical. I don't know if she knows what he was doing, but a part of me thinks that she knew. And it's not a good feeling at all.

** TW END**

I'm quite tired, physically, these days. It's like I don't get good enough sleep, nightmares taken away from the equation - they don't happen every night. Or perhaps it's just so dusty here at home that I can't help but get tired. One would think though, with all the allergy medications that I am on, it should help alot more. So I didn't get alot of stuff done today. I started, but I couldn't finish. I've moved some things around - put them in their proper place. I've dragged out the christmas box, but it's just left standing on the floor.

I messed up a painting too. That always leaves me feeling rotten.

The Good Stuff
Roomie apologized today. He went to the store and got me a peace offering. I guess he understood he overstepped far too much when I just left the appartment without saying anything yesterday. I usually never do that.

I have a plan to go out to my friends tonight for a boardgame night. It'll be fun. I hope we're ordering Pizza, I'm fairly certain that we are tbh. Pizza or kebab. We usually do.

After Eating disorder Centre yesterday I went to have coffee at my mates house. He's having some changes in his life, but potentially positive ones. He worked for them, and then suddenly he got offered the same job he already has but better pay - if he stays put instead of going off to another job offer. He's also getting more and more content with his body, and that's brilliant. I hope it sticks.

Eating Disorder centre: Whooh, just writing those words drained me from all energy. And despite that, I still intend to put it in the good stuff section. It was difficult being there yesterday. I couldn't quite hide my emotions, and I don't think I should either. I didn't start bawling or crying. But I was affected by sadness and shame quite alot. She saw. Despite really not wanting to be there yesterday, it turned out okay. We had a long conversation, about the surgery, about what I want in 1 year and in 5. I realized I can't see that far ahead, I haven't been able to in such a long time that I stopped trying.
I have to focus more on my emoions while I'm eating. We need to work hard and fast in the coming months, to overcome alot before my surgery. I still don't know when it is, but I've said yes. I've made up my mind. I am going to have it, despite it being scary.
It seems possible now, to get past the food thing, I suppose. It never did before. I'm not sure what changed spesifically, but perhaps it is because I'm not doing this on my own anymore. I got support. I am to eat without guilt and shame. I think that is the hardest part at the moment. But I'm trying.

[Three Roses]

  just waking up so words are difficult, want you to know I'm cheering you on!

[Sceal]

Thank you, Three Roses! It means alot ❤️

[sanmagic7]

love and a hug full of continuing encouragement, my dear.  i think you're doing really well.

[Deep Blue]

I just want to commend you for making the decision about surgery.  I know it was one you questioned.

I'm glad the roomie apologized.  Interesting that it took you storming out for him to apologize though.


Hope you have fun with the friends tonight.  Take good care

[Hope67]

HI Sceal,
I am just sending you a warm hug of support  - I hope that you'll have some calmer more restful nights - it's horrible when bad dreams/nightmares/terrors happen.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

All of your support mean so much, thank you all. 


The Bad Stuff
So exhausted. I feel like sleeping all the time, I'm so drained of energy and I've no idea even why. Went to bed last night around 21. Woke up at 04 and again at 07. I actually got up at 7 and then fell asleep again on the sofa around 8 til 10. My dreams are unpleasant. Enough to trigger me to be honest, they weren't nightmares this night, but with sexual content. And I struggle with that.

i'm not looking so much forward to this week. There's something everyday. Tomorrow it's full on christmas cleaning, washing, tidying, throwing, sorting, dusting, and then putting out christmas stuff.  in the evening I'll have cinema.
Wednesday I have the morning to myself, but in the after-work hours I'm meeting my aunt for dinner and a drink. It was her gift to me for last christmas, she just never found the time to be with me - and I feel like I kind of forced her into it now. I could have not said anything and waited for her to bring it up to me at christmas, if she'd even remember.

Thursday is Christmas party at the SA place, I'm only going for the food - and to practice being around loads of people in a small room. Don't think I'll stay to the end.

Friday I have meeting at Eating Disorder centre (EDC) again, and then I'm dog-watching my friends dog for a few hours to ease his feeling of guilt for the dog. He's going to a christmas party with work, I doubt he'll be going home that night. And he doesn't want his dog to be alone all work day and then all evening and night too.

Then week-end. I will likely be too tired to function. I'm lucky if I make it to the week-end. I'm exhausted before it's even begun. And I feel so incredible guilty over the food. I was doing better, then now since sunday I've just messed it all up. So much unnessecery food. I know I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed, but I do. I make poor choices! I need to make better choices, I should just go to bed instead of eating something.

I have no energy, or any will power to do any art. I want to and feel I should prepare more thumbnails before I start working at the gallery in a month. I just have no headspace for it. I really don't. I'm spent.

The good stuff
Had christmas workshop today, my sister was very happy I could help her out get some embrodery stuff for her to test out, to see if that can be her new hobby. My m was walking to and from, sometimes sewing, sometimes talking, sometimes vanishing outside to smoke and drink coffee.
I took out my old glass seed beads to make christmas ornament gifts. It must be about 15 years, if not 20, since I last made a few. But i finished two presents.  I have 4 left to do. But some of them are more in a hurry than the others as they'll go in the mail.

[Deep Blue]

I feel ya Sceal,
I get a bit stressed when I have something on the schedule for each day of the week.  I know it can sap my energy for each thing I need to do.

Hope you are able to get some rest.  The ornaments sound cool. What a neat ability to have.

[Sceal]

Thank you Deep Blue!
So far, I've only been able to do 2 things on my A4 list of things to do today. My body is slow, achy and stiff. Makes it harder.

The christmas ornaments was something my grandmother taught me when I was a young child. She's passed now, but I hope she'll be happy that I'm continuing it.

[Sceal]

Phew.
We got through the list. More or less, just the floors, inside the stove and some tidying that remains. Roomie will do that since I have an appointment in town very soon.
Tomorrow I think I'll try to get the christmas decorations up after a very long and lazy morning that is.
My feet, legs, knees and hips are aching from standing, climbing, bending over and reaching up from 09-15.00. It was alot of cleaning.

But now the cubboards, fridge, beds, shower, toilet are all scrubbed clean. Tv, computers, book cases, treadmill have been all dusted and organized. Laundry has been done. Hoovering the beds are done, tidying up stuff, throwing food that has expired. Collecting glass garbage, recycling bottles, throwing out stuff that's just cluttering (although, I could potentially do more on that department). The shoes have been cleaned and recieved a healthy dose of shoe-refresheners.

The shower was nice, and clean clothes was even better. I'm looking forward to go to sleep tonight, even if I'll have bad dreams or nightmares. I need myself some sleep, or rather rest. I need alot of rest.

But on the bonus side: I woke up to a tiny, tiny layer of snow. It's not going to stay til Christmas, but it is lovely all the same.

[Deep Blue]

Wow! I'm exhausted from reading all that cleaning! Well done!

Please take some time to relax before you start decorating.  You deserve it honey.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal, You are incredible to do all that cleaning - I hope you'll be able to have a rest and relax now.  I see you're planning to have a long and lazy morning - that sounds great.   I hope you have some restful sleep tonight.  You'll wake up to a clean and tidy home tomorrow - and maybe there might also be a bit more snow?  Sleep well.
Hope