Sceal's new journal

[Wattlebird]

I'm impressed sceal, no way I'd get thru all that cleaning in one day, well done

[sanmagic7]

holy crapola, sweetie!!  it would take me an entire week to do what you did in a day.  i can't even imagine it - plus making gifts to boot.  wow - call me impressed.

i'm exhausted just reading about this day, like db, let alone all the activities you have planned for the week.  i'm sure i couldn't do it.  you have the strength and stamina of 10, to my mind.

sorry that your eating/food choices are out of whack right now.  i do hope you can be gentle and accepting of yourself.  i go offline with that stuff at times, too, so i can relate.

sending love and a hug that contains some rest along with the energy needed to do what you want.     

[Sceal]

I'm exhausted by thinking about it too. I wasn't alone in all of this, I had my roomie do work alongside me too. I dunno if I said. But we were wearing party hats, and were listening to christmas music in the background, until the end when we put on the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. Such a long time since I've seen that one.

I went to town to meet my support person, and we had dinner. Had a burger and fries. I felt awful. Then we went to see the nutcracker and the four realms movie. It was cute and sweet - and I would have LOVED it if I had been 12-13 years old. But it was a nice time anyway, despite hating myself for eating candy. Why did I eat it? I felt awful.

This morning I had christmasbread, which is not a healthy bread whatsoever, tasty yes, but not healthy. and chocolate. who has that for breakfast?! It was left over from the cinema last night, and I couldn't have it lying around. I should have tossed it, but I became the garbage can instead. Yuck! Been hating myself all day for that, so much so I just went back to bed. I couldn't deal.
Had dinner with my aunt in town, it was nice. We're similar in a way, but I'm still afraid to have a different opinon than her. I guess I am a little intimidated, and not in the good sense this time around. But I worry she'll get angry. Not that she's been angry with me alot in life. She's probably only midly snapped at me a handful of times.

But my body is in alot of pain. I've pushed it too far. knees, lower back and hip are bursting and shouting at me. My calves are tightening up and if I don't treat them soon it'll become just as bad as it was this summer.  And it's only mid week! I have a christmas party tomorrow. I have the eating centre on friday, and I'm filled up with shame by thinking of it. The papers I'm bringing along, showing signs of all my weaknesses this week. I just want to curl up and cry.

[Sceal]

I'm coming back to complain a little.
My hips are hurting and aching so badly. So are my knees. The pain is keeping me awake when I should be sleeping. I do hope I'll eventually fall asleep.
And I hope no more stressful dreams or I'll be forced to use anxiety meds to rest.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal - I am so sorry to hear your hips are hurting and aching as well as your knees.  Causing you difficulty sleeping - that's horrible, and I really hope that you will get some respite from the pain, and that you'll find some comforting sleep - and that you won't get further stressful dreams - I really wish there was a way we could make sleep peaceful and predictable.  I hope you get the rest you need.    to you, Sceal.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope. I fell asleep eventually, but come morning I was too tired I woke up so I brushed my teeth and went to sleep on the sofa.
Less pain today from hips and down today, enough so I managed to go for a walk in the forest. Which was nice. Although inflammation is all around now.

I managed to create some more Christmas presents, and I did go to the Christmas Party at the Sexual Assault and Incest prevention/support centre. There were about 50ish people. I freaked out several times during the evening. But every one was so kind and caring. Giving me a hand to hold, helping me get out of the room when needed. Giving me supportive hugs and such. Very kind. I'm so grateful to them all. Patients and employees alike.
Lots of anxiety practice today. Same tomorrow, although that is pushing my vulnerability Infront of eating disorder lady.
Then weekend.

[sanmagic7]

such a full and busy week, but i'm glad the pain is reducing.  also glad that the gathering you went to turned out to be a pos. experience for you.  that's so great.

good luck with the rest of the weekend - i hope it goes relatively smoothly for you.  i hope that inflammation goes down, and your pain leaves.  my body does the inflammation thing, too - lots of ibuprofen over the years.

keep taking care of you.  i think you're doing really well, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Thank you sweetie.

the bad stuff
My Lady E (eating disorder support lady) told me today that I have worked really well, and that I appear more open about my emotions now than previously. All positive things. Except, I don't feel like I am. Doing enough. She says I am eating better now, my meals are more regular and like a normal person. I feel like I am eating so much food. I am eating twice as much if not more than what I've had for months, over time, years. And I hate it. I feel like I can't stop now. I can't turn down temptations, and they never taste any good anyway . So why do I eat them? $*#@ do I put it in my body for? I am treating myself like a garbage can. Stuffing everything in.

A friend's boyfriend was along to the Christmas party yesterday. I met him for the first time. He is really good for her, and he had a very calm and soothing manner. Very composed and comfortable, I like him. He overhead though that I said I'm getting the surgery, just waiting for the date. And he told my friend later and she told me. He had noticed I am big, but he thought I dressed very well and it looked good. I understand that it was well meant and that it wasn't really for my ears. Compliment for my dress taste and the fact that I highlight my waist as I do have one despite obesity.
But...
I hate that my body decides how others think of me. They see me and they have judge me as lazy, boring, uninspiring, not worth knowing.  (I'm not talking about that man anymore btw. He was kind).
My friend told me this morning he is worried that people will start treating me better after the surgery and what that will do to me.
I am glad he understands. I am scared of that too.

My friends asked me to babysit tomorrow. I said yes. I regret it. I knew when I answered I shouldn't, that I need to stop. I need to not do anything after this week. But how could I say no? I might have to apologize and say I double booked, I forgot I had another plan I can't cancel on ( my health). But I feel so lousy.

[Deep Blue]

Anyone who judges you without getting to know you is missing out.  They miss out on the wonderful person you are. 

Big, small, short, tall, funny looking, pimple covered.... these are just our shells my dear.  Besides, I never buy candy just for the wrapper.  What I love is on the inside.  Just sayin... I think you are great.   

[sanmagic7]

 

i totally agree with db, all the way.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Sceal]

They aren't the only ones who miss out, so too do I, by default.

The Bad Stuff
Today was wasted. I awoke after Roomie left for work. How I didn't hear him head out the door is a miracle. I got into the livingroom, had breakfast and chips decided life was ugly and went back to bed. Stayed in bed until 18.30 or so. When I finally put on some pants and went to buy a huge kebab for dinner.
I regret it. I was yelling at myself in my head as I was driving down there. I was so ashamed when I ordered a big one. Why couldn't I have just taken the small one? The one that is a reasonable size? But no. Why do that?  When I'm going to prop my body full of junk and garbage, why not just go full on in?!

I'm not supposed to have any shame when eating. I am suppoed to eat whatever I want without shame. it doesn't work. I'm so full of shame. So very much full of shame.

Tuesday I have Lady L, I don't quite know what to talk about with her. But I'm stressed out. Wednesday I am supposed to know what I am to talk about with Lady T, last topic for a whole month. How am I to choose a topic that doesn't push me further into this obsessive food-world I'm in at the moment.
Worst moment ever to start being allowed to eat anything, without shame. At Christmas. When all the temptations are overflowing.

I have no willpower anymore. None. I hate this.

I am feeling frustrated, angry, sad, disgusted, scared and worried. Worried I'm not performing well enough. Worried I'm gaining weight, worried I don't know how to utilize my last sesssion before christmas, worried I'll put on a face. Worried.

I haven't written about it here. But lately I keep seeing Her everywhere. I see Her at the cinema, I see Her on the bus, I see Her car infront of my grocery shop, I see Her everywhere... except, it's not actually Her. It never is. But my heart stops everytime. And then because She is everywhere, so, naturally He pops up everywhere, every man who got dark hair and brown beard.  I don't panic like I used to, it doesn't send me off fleeing to the other side of the city, but I freeze instead.

[Three Roses]

  supportive, caring thoughts for you, dear sceal.

[Deep Blue]

I understand what you mean about you missing out too. But do you really want to be with people who judge you too quickly anyway?  Judge mental people like that are a trigger for me, so I try to steer clear of them.  I'm not sure who is doing the avoiding?   Me or them???

I'm so sorry for you seeing Her and Him everywhere Sceal.  That happens to me too.  I see things that are not there.  I get hyper vigilant and become on high alert.  Then I get the fallout as if it's been a real trigger. 

Do you know what's causing you to see them? Is there a silent trigger? Is it an anniversary?   You don't have to answer.  I just ask because somtimes it helps me to know what is causing me to get into that state

[Wattlebird]

I can relate to you seeing her everywhere, it's unsettling as I'm not entirely sure what triggers this 
Sendings hugs 

[Sceal]

Thank you Three Roses, Deep blue and Wattlebird.

I don't remember specific anniversaries. This holiday has always had mixed feelings for me. Atleast ever since I started having boyfriends. My first proper one not being very nice.
Most of my hospitalisation have been during the holidays.  So maybe there is lingering fear, unrest connected to those emotional memories. This holiday tends to be one of reflection, love and vulnerability I think. And well, although I enjoy Christmas I suppose it also triggers me.

neither here nor there thoughts
Tomorrow I am meeting Lady L at the SA support centre. I feel I should be smart and pick a subject to talk about. Or tell her that after Christmas I would like to talk more about the subjects that I keep avoiding, or finding subjects that can slowly build into that. Like Worth, Shame... I feel there are other important topics here too that revolves around SA and R. I also made a drawing based on a figurine and used watercolour to liven it up as a Christmas card for her. Incase tomorrow is last session before Christmas. I do worry about a month of absence. Although, come summer... I'll be 2 months without Lady T.

She is another topic. I see her on Wednesday. I should make her a Christmas card too. She pointedly asked me to think of what to spend the session on. I hope she has a written answer for my questions. I brought it up last time, I'm not sure she will remember. I trust her, I like her - but she's still distracted at times. I was thinking maybe the self worth talk... Maybe the increased hypervigilance when I am out and about. I don't want to drag up sex and trauma before Christmas, when I can't see her for a month.