Sceal's new journal

[DecimalRocket]

Sorry that you've forgotten some important things you've said recently. I've forgotten a lot these past few days too, but I remember you and I'm here. 

[Sceal]

Thanks Rocket. 

[Sceal]

I'm still concerned about not being aware that I faded out. I was so sure I was present. There's nothing I can do about that now.

I've worked more in my physical journal - gotten down some thoughts on two different topics to clear my head. Trying to put my emotions aside when writing in that journal, just observing and exploring. So far it's been good.

On Wednesday I have my last day in DBT-group therapy. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't want to quit. I've been through it all, twice. But I tend to use more time to incorporate something into my life, I don't have a network that I can rely on that will help me continue with DBT skills at home, and afterwards. It'll be all up to me - and I am the kind of person who right now needs a push. I need an incentive to do something, I need to show what I've done and get feedback on it. Even if it is for my own good, it's not a good habit - I know. It causes me alot of frustration, but it's not the right time for me at the moment to start working on it. Besides not being held accountable, I also can't ask the group leaders for advice and support during the week. Perhaps they will be glad to be rid of me, I've needed a bit of coddling. And I will also lose the only constant structure I've had in my week for the past year.
I wish I would say I'd utilize my time better, but I wont. I'll end up watching more mindless TV, I don't even enjoy it.

Another thing is that I'm waiting for a phonecall from the well-fare people. He was supposed to call me at 11.30 today, then after 12.00... and then "soon".  I hope soon will be tomorrow morning, first thing. And not while I'm at my session with my T. I'm a little annoyed at him for not keeping what he's saying he will do. Not good to build up a trusting relationship with him.
I fear what he will say - and what he will conclude of me. I'm not ready to head back to work, but I'm not able to be a bad employee - other than calling in sick. I am terrified of conflict - and calling in sick too much would mean I might be called into the carpet. And I don't know how I'd handle that.
I'm near tears just thinking of this.

[Blueberry]

 

[Sceal]

 
--

therapy taught me today that my body is scared shitless - even if I can't feel it emotionally. It's a peculiar thought.

[Blueberry]

The Body Keeps the Score is a very apt title I think. Our bodies store memories and emotions, even those we have no or not much access to.

[Sceal]

The Body Keeps the Score is a very apt title I think. Our bodies store memories and emotions, even those we have no or not much access to.

I bought and downloaded the book to my kindle last night - but i started crying so I didn't get very far

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
to you.  It's so understandable to feel emotional in reaction to that book, and I am glad you're reading it, and hope you get a lot out of it.  Our bodies store those memories and emotions - I relate to that so much.  I want to say more to you, but I don't think I can find the right words to express it, so I'll just leave it at a hug.   
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
back.
I've been wondering something for a long time, but I haven't researched it. I am wondering whether once my body gets released from the trauma, and the stress that it carries all around - and the tension is reduced... Will it be easier for my body to lose weight? ( If I do everything else right with meals and excersise). Is the trauma that is bound to my body holding my physical health back in this regard? Does anyone know anything about this? Is it a folly-thought, or is there something to it?

I haven't gotten very far in the book yet - I'm just middle of chapter 2 I believe. So we'll see what I can learn from it.
--
I'm not quite sure what to say about leaving DBT. I got compliments written on notes from everyone in the group to keep with me. I cried brave tears in the bathroom during break, and was met with kindness from the group leader. Understanding that transitions that I do not choose myself is hard for me to deal with. DBT group and therapy has been my safe space for over a year now, and I'm left a little on uncertain grounds. I still have my sessions with my T which will be weekly. But I don't know for how long. I might have to start to accept the fact that she will not be the one who will help me to the finish line -because I take too long with these matters.

I freeze up too easily in therapy, I'm unable to ask my questions and to say what I'm thinking. I need help with having questions to ask, and it is really bothersome. I'm not quite sure where this is coming from. Undoubtly my T would say that it might be a behaviour that once served it's purpose for me to survive through the days of hardship and potential voilence. And maybe she's right, but it bothers me deeply that the years and years of bullying still is a problem for me. I thought that was atleast some trauma I had put behind me - but I don't think I did. I think I just resigned.
The bullying taught me that I was worth nothing, I was worth less than dog poop and compost trash. And that my needs, interests and thoughts weren't needed or important. I've struggled with this, because at the same time my teacher kept telling us daily from 1-7th grade that everyone is equal in the face of God. I wasn't raised Christian - or with any religion, but my teacher was very religious, and this meant alot to her. And in adulthood I've questioned which "truth" is the right one. Hers, or mine.

If hers are right; then abusers, molestors, terrorists, and other awful people are equal to their victims.  - And to me, that never sat right. What gave them the right to treat their victims that way? (Although, I tended to take my own "victimhood" out of this equation, and quarreled on behalf of others)
If mine was right: Then howcome did a part of me always quarrel or go a different path than everyone else seemed to go. I should have followed in their footsteps without complaint and become a lesser version of them, so I could serve them. Regardless of their treatment of me.

I realize this is very black and white thinking and that the truth is actually somewhere more grey. But for me right now, no one has even been able to convince me of a different truth.

... I am not quite sure what this had to do with me having my last day in DBT-group.. But it's what came out today, and I suspect this is an issue I need to figure out. Yet, it's so difficult alone because I'm so stuck in black and white thinking.

I think I have more things in my heart that needs to come out today, but I am running out of time. I got invited to see a theatre play today, so I need to get changed.

[Blueberry]

"I am wondering whether once my body gets released from the trauma, and the stress that it carries all around - and the tension is reduced... Will it be easier for my body to lose weight? " I hope so! For myself too. But Idk.

[DecimalRocket]

I relate to that experience as a kid with religion. How they told everyone was equal in the face of God. There's a big death penalty debate in the country and people around have been raging over the arguments for a whole year. Most people here have grown cynical with the corruption and injustices here that they're vouching for it, but for me -- well, I think it's not so black and white either.

It reminds me of utilitarianism -- happiness for the greatest number. Everyone is equal in that they're counted as a single numerical value for morality, but if there are people that take the happiness of other people on purpose -- then that's not happiness for the greatest number is it?

People talk about all kinds of complicated moral questions with answers that supposedly work in all situations, but I think it's different for each context. There are so many factors, different kinds of people, different kinds of environments, cultures, laws, and so on that can potentially make each situation complicated.

I'm pretty confused myself -- a social disability isn't helping and I often make my own moral codes too rigid-- but I'm glad you're aware of what you don't know and trying to figure out anyway. You can't figure out the answers without figuring out the questions, so I'll be sticking with you to cheer that you can make your own.

[Sceal]

Thanks you for reading, and commenting. I'm not quite in the clear head to reply at the moment.
I've had another lousy day and decided to end it with wine. I am not much of a drinker, so it goes to the head fast.

Day has been lazy, I've not been motivated to do anything. In the lower end of tolerance window, potentially under it. Alot of flashbacks at various, random times during the day and evening. Some leaving me in tears, others just even more passive than before. I talked about my lack of ability to do anything these days with my T the other day - she said that it is most likely a result on past survival kicking in. I know this is probably not the first time I'm mentioning it. But it's taking me some time to wrap my head around it, and I think maybe she's right.
I'm just scared of making up excuses. I'm scared of being accused of being lazy.
Yesterday a friend asked me what I'll do with the extra free time now that group is over, and he phrased it in a way that implied that people who are on wellfare/disabilities have so much free time on their hands they can do whatever they want. I had to tell him I didn't choose this. He replied he know, and he wished I didn't have to go through this.
But it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Like my protective bubble has been burst again - I'm just not acceptable to other people. I'm lazy and I cheat the system because I appear highly functional when I work up the strength to actually BE social.

[DecimalRocket]

Sometimes the people with invisible disabilities and illnesses take it the hardest. Usually, when someone pictures disabled or mentally ill, they imagine someone in a wheelchair or someone who's mentally unable to cope through life at all. But there are lots of more subtle disabilities that are unseen, and people may expect too much of that person in that area.

I'm sorry you feel lazy. I fully support your need to rest. 

[sanmagic7]

dearest sceal,

first, take it slow with the book, won't you?  i found it quite dense with information that meant a lot to me, and still haven't been able to get thru the whole thing, tho i've had it over a year. 

second, i totally believe in the mind/body connection.  like, what we eat affects our brains which can affect our minds which can affect our emotions, perspectives, perceptions, etc.  just that simple act of eating can make all kinds of mental changes. 

i also believe that our trauma, be it emotional, physical, mental, verbal, etc. can be stored at cellular levels in our bodies, and there's no way we could be consciously aware of that.  still, that storage can cause all kinds of physical effects for us.  why couldn't it directly affect the way our bodies store nutrients, fats, proteins, and all the rest?  i don't see any reason why not.

my body has held tension to the point that i've found it extremely difficult to ever relax.  even massage has not helped because my muscles are so full of pain that even healing touch can be painful and i'll tense up at the anticipation of it.   so, at times i can mindfully relax a muscle group, but minutes later, as soon as i discover that my focus has wandered, they're all tense again.

3roses once called that being 'armored up'.  it made total sense to me.  tense in anticipation of what might come, as a way to protect myself from further abuse, even if that abuse is not in my present.  i guess i got so used to tensing up against it that my muscles basically stayed that way.  they're still that way.  rarely do i ever feel relaxed anymore.

so, could your trauma have anything to do with your weight?  i don't know why not.  perhaps it gained weight as a means of protection, and if you still feel unsafe, it stays there to try to help you.  i know that as i've continued to make progress, keep more pos. people in my life, get myself out of neg. situations, that i'm finally making better food and eating choices, and my body is responding in a pos. way as well.  it's slow going, but it's going.  it feels better.

be patient with yourself, sweetie.  this is tough stuff, but i do believe you're even tougher.  love and hugs to you.

[Sceal]

I'll respond to you tomorrow, San.

I've had a few decent days this week. I've also had a few rough ones. I feel over-stimulated and full of so much shame. My body is constantly aching from too little physical activity (it's used to me being semi-active) and tensing up.
It's a rough game to play when one good game equals several bad ones before another decent one. 
Hopefully it'll get better if I just keep on playing