Sceal's new journal

[sanmagic7]

dear sweet sceal,

that hypervigilence stuff can be so wearing.  plus, everything else you're facing - it's a wonder you're not exhausted most of the time.  so much energy being used.    sending a hug filled with compassion and comfort  - i just don't have the words i want.  love you.

[Sceal]

  thank you San. Your words were perfect the way they were.

The bad stuff
It sounds stupid. I know it does, it sounds stupid even in my head. But I had "forgotten" the intensity, the shame and sadness and fear I feel when I am hypervigilant. I mean, I know it. But it wasn't until I was with Lady L today and she kept prodding and prodding. I had, in a way, I think, locked away all the emotions. Or put a damper on them.
Today is *. She asked me how things were going, and I was feeling fairly neutral. I told her about some worries. I said I see Her and Him everywhere and I'm afraid to be in town now.  Because if it turns out to be them.. I am so * scared.  Tears wouldn't stop. And pain exploded nearly inside of me. It's not often I notice it so clearly. I mean, that the pain that I feel is linked to my fear and stress. I guess it most of the time, but today I experienced the connection between the two.  She asked me if I am afraid to take responsibility for my actions. I don't think so. But I am scared of what my actions or lack there of will lead me into.  And I got a little frustrated if she meant that it was all my fault. Because of the actions I took or didn't take in my past r and sa. I dont think she does, I want to think the better of her. But what if she does mean that, and that I just have to accept that part. That I stayed in that relationship for 5-6 years and didn't get out before. I keep blaming it on that I didn't realize what was going on was wrong. My brain wouldn't allow me to understand.  But what if that is just simply a poor excuse?
.I've spent an hour.calming down.
I found some old anxiety meds in my bag. Thank god.
I am calm now. But I am also stuck. I can't get away. I am so tired.
Another thing is... With anxiety medication it relaxes all the things... So now my pain has doubled.

[sanmagic7]

you know, sweetie, i don't understand what she meant by that question, either.  as a therapist, i wouldn't have asked such a loaded (to my mind) question without an explanation of what i meant by it.  i think it was a really ambiguous question, and i'm sorry, very sorry, she asked it and then let you sit with the aftermath of thoughts and possibilities of it running thru your head.

as a friend who happens to be a therapist, i will tell you that what happened with He and She was absolutely and unequivocally NOT YOUR FAULT.  not one little bit.  you stayed in that relationship, like so many of us have, because our choice was taken away from us - either from coercion, confusion, not understanding, not knowing, mind mucks done by them (i changed the word there) - whatever it was.  the entire thing is on them, not on you.

you stayed, you did whatever you did, you 'allowed', you said 'ok' - it doesn't matter.  what they did was wrong.  they exploited someone from a position of power, someone who was vulnerable for whatever reason, and they double-teamed you as well.  you were swimming upstream     the entire time, and you were finally able to get out as soon as you could.

sweet sceal, they put you in a victim position on purpose, only to manipulate you for their own means.  you might have been the victim then, but all the work, determination, and courage you have shown since lets the world know that you haven't remained a victim.  you have shown such strength in fighting these demons - you are an inspiration.

please, do not let lady l's ambiguous question cause you to doubt yourself.  as you continue to have more trust in yourself, in your personal power, i have no doubt those fears will subside.  they can't hurt you anymore - you got out and it took a lot of guts to do that.  i give you all kinds of credit for that, and pooh on any question that makes you question yourself.  it was NOT YOUR FAULT.  sending much love, sweetie, and a hug filled with loads of support and validation for your choices in an insane situation.

[Deep Blue]

I agree with San,
It's not your fault.  Sending you love and support 

[Wattlebird]

I wonder what she meant? I can't imagine she thought anything was your fault but her question could certainly be taken that way, I'd ask her next time because I'm sure she wouldn't have meant it was your fault, and if she cleared up what she meant you could stop some of the anxiety (hopefully)
I hope that's clear, I mean it's not your fault and she must know that too.
Big hugs nice gentle safe hugs too
 

[Sceal]

Dear San:
We've had this conversation up before, Lady L and I. I am not sure I quite fully understood her question back then either. Or at least I didn't put it into context of getting myself into unfortunate situations. She didn't want to let me go, she was a little worried to let me leave, but she had another patient to see after me.

I understand that the first relationship that lasted for so many years was where my mind got so confused, so manipulated and groomed slowly over time that I had no capacity to understand that what was happening was not okay. But the next time, which was a "one night stand", I should have been able to avoided. I should have gone to the hotel management and get the man out of my room rather than go in. But I didn't, I was too afraid to be scolded by the hotel staff that I had a guest in my room. How f* isn't that? Now that I think about that nearly 10 years later. Should I not accept my actions in that situation? Wasn't that my fault? I could have so easily avoided it.

Dear Deep Blue: I hope you're right.

Dear Wattlebird: I am not sure I dare to ask her face-to-face, I think I will send her an e-mail today. And hopefully she's around tomorrow and will see me when I come to the centre to spend a few hours there and can take me aside to answer.

Thank you all for reading, commenting, for caring and just being here for me. 


The Bad Stuff
Yesterday was hard too. Another day where I woke up feeling like "what's the point?". I am still struggling with that today, because what is the point?
I wake up, I get somewhat dressed - mostly meaning I put on socks and some tights since I'm already wearing a nightshirt. Make breakfast and sit by the computer for the rest of the day. Except for the times I have appointments outside the home. Or when I get so restless or frustrated at the mess that I start cleaning. (which is every day). There's no point to it. I don't enjoy life, I don't take it by the horns and make the most out of it. I have had so much free time the past year, I could have done so much more with my time. I mean, anything. Not filling it all up, because that would just make me crash and burn, I've learnt that lesson. But ANYTHING.... Yet... I don't.

And then I try to remind myself: "But Sceal, the goal this past year was to prioritize your health. Everything else came after." And I have prioritized my health, I've worked hard on that, I wont say otherwise. At times I haven't worked at all, by all means. I'll admit that. Like lately. I have been lazy, worn out, not interessted, distanced from myself.  Despite all of it, it doesn't feel like it is enough. And while I'm writing this, I can hear Lady T and Lady L asking me "Enough for who?", and the answer is... I'm not sure. I'm not sure who it has to be enough for. Is it my parents? Is it to show them I am not a failure, there is still hope that I can build up a life they can be proud that they had me, fed me, raised me and have financially supported me? or is it society, to show them I am not only a burden on the wellfare system. I am willing to work and pay my taxes and contribute to everyone's wellfare and I don't know, generally contribute and be of use.  Maybe it is my friends, so they can be proud they chose to stay by me. Or is it the alient concept that it is to be enough for me?

I had my session with Lady T yesterday. Before then I was restless, stressed, unfocused. I was walking around in circles at home. I ended up going to a friends place for coffee beforehand, was a few hard conversations with him. It usually is, but I think it has done me the world of good. Perhaps I should make him a christmas card too to say thank you for all the wonderful talks we've had and how he has pushed me on topics I wouldn't ordinarily talk about. When I got to the office of Lady T I started pacing back and forth, I was so much at unease. No matter how much I've wanted to pace before, I never did. I was sick every few minutes. And I'm not really quite sure why. Why now? I suspect it is because of my increased hypervigilance and because of my conversation at the SA support centre with Lady L the day before. And the vulnerability that came forward due to that.  I told Lady T about the hypervigilance, I intended to suggest that or the topic of self-worth. But never got that far, because I was so skittish and for unease. I needed the curtains closed despite being in the second floor, and you can't really see who's sitting on the sofa from below (I've checked). She wasn't happy with my increased avoidance and she said as much. I said in frustration that it's not like I can do exposure therapy for this. I can't go practice getting closer and closer to Her and Him and practice blowing them off without escalating a dangerous conflict. How am I supposed to do that? I told her I have practiced saying things out loud by my self when I want to say things to non-threatening people before, and it doesn't help. I still can't do it. She asked for example with who I meant. And I told her that I meant her. And she got super curious and started laughing, and wanted to know like what stuff. And I got flustered and incredible embarrased, but it lightened the mood for me somewhat. And at the end of the session I felt better. I needed the break that she gave me, a room of safety. Even if the conversation was uncomfortable and I wasn't quite willing. It was still good for me. She also said she had sent the written answer to me by post. the one I had asked of her a few weeks back when she said she was starting a new job and I thought I was loosing her. She also said "I am not sure if it is the answer you were looking for" Which made me both curious and scared.

The letter arrived today, and it wasn't as scary as I feared. She had written alot about the positive things that I have done the last 1.5 year, and even if I haven't achieved the goals we had set at the beginning when I met her, it was alot of good words. She also put in writing she believes that per date I got 20-30% workload ability. It's not alot, and I suspect that was what she was refering to. That wasn't what I was looking for. She also gave me some concrete tips on what to do to increase my workload ability at the gallery I'm starting at in less than a month. To which I had to laugh a little, because she knows me far too well. Pointed out that it would be smart to lower my expectations and to ease into it, and praise myself for even getting there the days I get there, instead of being frustrated and use energy on lack of production. Ended with her saying we should focus on working on my big tendency for avoidance. It's not my favourite thing, obviously, since I tend to avoid working on that too. Hah! But I couldn't help to notice that she avoided answering my question in regards to future progression and thoughts about whether I can be "healed".

Today started off really poorly. Roomie had sat his alarm at 06. I was so pissed! First of all he woke me up too, but most of all because he has stolen my mornings. I have literally NO alonetime anymore, except when he's at work. And he usually works more and more daytime now, and I'm often busy during the days. So I have NO rest at home. I cannot tell you how pissed off this is making me. both yesterday and today I just lay in bed for HOURS to be alone. It was boring, but then I wouldn't have to be in the same room as him. This morning when I got up I slammed the door and put my things on speaker rather than headphones. I felt so disrespected, and if he's going to keep disrespecting me I'll do the same. I'm fully aware that this will lead to a war at home. But he KNOWS that I need alone time, this is NOTHING new. He knew before he moved in with me 7 years ago! Nothing has changed in that department, and it never will. You don't suddenly wake up one day and your brain chemistry have changed from being an introvert to an extrovert and suddenly needing all the social contact! Sigh. Hopefully this is just another phase and that it'll change again soon back to more normal. And even more, I hope this co-living situation is coming to an end within the next 2 years. He is amazing on many areas, and he should be allowed to wake up however early he wants. I shouldn't dictate that at all. It's not my place. I just wish he could understand the need I have to be allowed to feel like this is my home too, a safe haven for me too. Not just for him.

But it's better now, I managed to finish Christmas presents, and I got a walk in the sun on a forest trail. It wasn't as long as I intended, but it was lovely walking the short bit I did before my legs hurt too much. This has been a very long post, I should wrap it up here I think.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks for sharing so honestly here Sceal.

I avoid too.  I think many of us here do. 

I'm sorry your day was so up and down.  Also, I practice saying things outload too.  And you know what? I'm not even embarrassed about it! I think it's a good way to sort through my emotions.

Sorry about your roomie not being respectful of your quiet time.  I find that time so valuable.  I think it's so important to have that time so we can recharge and sort stuff out.

As always I send you love and support darling 

[sanmagic7]

you know, sceal, i've seen the issues of a lot of different people on this forum, including my own.  one thing i've noticed is that time and time again, people talk to others about where the fault lies in our making questionable choices, and time and time again they talk about fear.  fear of doing something, fear of refusing to do something, whatever it is, there is a fear factor involved. (thinking out loud here)

you spoke of 'fear' concerning your one night stand - fear of being scolded.  just the word 'scolded' is one, to my mind, that pertains to some type of authority figure reprimanding a child.  i think that when we fear being scolded, it's because it's our child self that is present, which means that it's the logic of a child that is making the decisions. 

those decisions are coming from a place that doesn't know how to be responsible as an adult - doesn't know the warning signs of what might be dangerous, can't distinguish between discomfort and danger,  doesn't have the feeling of adult power, doesn't have the knowledge of self that comes with time, teaching, and healthy examples.   i think most of us with c-ptsd have been in similar situations, have been afraid of being 'scolded' and have made unhealthy choices because of it.

that's part of the overall grooming that's been present in our lives since we were young - by parents, teachers, relatives, religions, and any other adult/institution that had power over what we learned about ourselves, others, and the world in general.  i understand you made the decision to go ahead with that one-night stand, but it was because of fear.

the  way i see it, it's only when we make decisions/choices without fear, or make healthy choices in spite of fear, that we are working from our adult place of logic and understanding.  we've been groomed from day one by all kinds of authority figures in our lives to make unhealthy choices because of the fear of what might happen if we made a different choice.

so, to that end, 'fault' becomes kind of a catch-all concept.  when our minds have been corrupted by whatever means, stealthy or overt, the corrupted thinking is what drives us forward.  that's where our decisions come from.  adults with uncorrupted minds will invariably make consistently healthy choices because they have faith in themselves to deal with the consequences from a place of adult power. 

i know that i'm writing a lot about this, but it's helping me to see my way through this minefield of 'fault' more clearly, too.   i don't mean to be preaching.  i've certainly made my fair share of unhealthy choices, still do, and take responsibility by dealing with the consequences.  i just hope i keep learning from them.  i think that may be part of the point, at least.

anyway, for what it's worth, that's my take on who's at 'fault' for any unhealthy choices we've made along the way.  sending love and support, sweet sceal, as you make your way thru this struggle.

[Wattlebird]

Ow sceal I understand, when you talked of your "one night stand " it reminded me a lot of a similar situation where I went into an internal panic at my inability to say no or stop or I don't want this, even ! Then I was like " this is my fault because I can't  speak up! " That internal message was so strong I didn't speak up, luckily the guy realised I think and asked if I wanted this or not I then said not and he backed off. But I was "why am I such a coward if he didn't ask I was such an easy victim " it left me feeling like a complete idiot,    I even have trouble writing "victim" as I feel like I got myself into that situation and didn't do nothing to get out of it, how can that be a victim, victim of myself I guess.
Sorry I'm not implying this is you at all, just the inability to ask for help from staff.
Conditioning for sure

[Sceal]

Wow! Thank you guys for your thoughtful answers, i am still processing them and will try to get back to you with an answer.

The bad stuff
I got an inflammation in my arm, I think that is the best description for it. I have chronic low level inflammation in my body, and suffer from flare ups when i've done something to push past the limits of what my body can handle. the last two years i've mainly been suffering from it in my legs, preventing me from walking around. This time is like when it started. it's my right arm, my dominant one. I am trying my best to let the left be the one mainly in use, but it is slow going and my right arm tenses up anyway. its not used to not be in work. And it hurts. It feels like there's an external pressure on my bones, crushing them.

another day i woke up to feeling like "meh - what's the point?". i am looking forward to the day when i have consistent and stable purpose for getting up and out of bed.  Today has been lazy. im not even out of my PJ's, and I'm about to take an early night.

The good stuff
however much i am frustrated with my roomie these days, we did have taco-night and watched the first harry potter movie. We couldn't decide upon a christmas movie, and tbh, I kind of feel the first harry potter movie is somewhat christmassy.

i finished a book. and i intend to resume reading more rather than being a prisoner to tv-shows. we'll see how it goes.

[Deep Blue]

Sending you love darling 

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

dang, i know about that inflammation thing - so very sorry you're suffering with it.

the 1st hp movie is my favorite, and i can totally see it being christmas-y.  the wonder of discovery in a child's eyes.

love you, sweetie.   

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Sending you a hug,  - I hope that your arm will improve soon - sorry that you're suffering with it.  I hope it will be better very soon.  Take care.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Okay! Replying to some of the previous comments!

Thanks for sharing so honestly here Sceal.

I avoid too.  I think many of us here do. 

One of my main goals as a person is to become a wholehearted person, and with that comes the honesty I believe. I would like a wholehearted life one day.

Avoidance is a common occurance in PTSD, C-PTSD. It is also part of my PD. So, double up! Yet I do think I push the boundaries almost everyday. And sometimes it just stops.

you know, sceal, i've seen the issues of a lot of different people on this forum, including my own.  one thing i've noticed is that time and time again, people talk to others about where the fault lies in our making questionable choices, and time and time again they talk about fear.  fear of doing something, fear of refusing to do something, whatever it is, there is a fear factor involved. (thinking out loud here)

you spoke of 'fear' concerning your one night stand - fear of being scolded.  just the word 'scolded' is one, to my mind, that pertains to some type of authority figure reprimanding a child.  i think that when we fear being scolded, it's because it's our child self that is present, which means that it's the logic of a child that is making the decisions. 

those decisions are coming from a place that doesn't know how to be responsible as an adult - doesn't know the warning signs of what might be dangerous, can't distinguish between discomfort and danger,  doesn't have the feeling of adult power, doesn't have the knowledge of self that comes with time, teaching, and healthy examples.   i think most of us with c-ptsd have been in similar situations, have been afraid of being 'scolded' and have made unhealthy choices because of it.

that's part of the overall grooming that's been present in our lives since we were young - by parents, teachers, relatives, religions, and any other adult/institution that had power over what we learned about ourselves, others, and the world in general.  i understand you made the decision to go ahead with that one-night stand, but it was because of fear.

the  way i see it, it's only when we make decisions/choices without fear, or make healthy choices in spite of fear, that we are working from our adult place of logic and understanding.  we've been groomed from day one by all kinds of authority figures in our lives to make unhealthy choices because of the fear of what might happen if we made a different choice.

so, to that end, 'fault' becomes kind of a catch-all concept.  when our minds have been corrupted by whatever means, stealthy or overt, the corrupted thinking is what drives us forward.  that's where our decisions come from.  adults with uncorrupted minds will invariably make consistently healthy choices because they have faith in themselves to deal with the consequences from a place of adult power. 

i know that i'm writing a lot about this, but it's helping me to see my way through this minefield of 'fault' more clearly, too.   i don't mean to be preaching.  i've certainly made my fair share of unhealthy choices, still do, and take responsibility by dealing with the consequences.  i just hope i keep learning from them.  i think that may be part of the point, at least.

anyway, for what it's worth, that's my take on who's at 'fault' for any unhealthy choices we've made along the way.  sending love and support, sweet sceal, as you make your way thru this struggle.

I realise that my one-night stand example is a little tricky. Because I didn't include all of the details, but I'm to ashamed to. But I do like the thoughts you have suggesting that it was a somewhat childish act that occured. That some inner-child or something came out and refused to go downstairs because the fear of being scolded would be too hard for the child to carry. I will process this thought a little bit more down the road, and see if it'll help to lessen the shame around this incident. I do hate that it occured.

Ow sceal I understand, when you talked of your "one night stand " it reminded me a lot of a similar situation where I went into an internal panic at my inability to say no or stop or I don't want this, even ! Then I was like " this is my fault because I can't  speak up! " That internal message was so strong I didn't speak up, luckily the guy realised I think and asked if I wanted this or not I then said not and he backed off. But I was "why am I such a coward if he didn't ask I was such an easy victim " it left me feeling like a complete idiot,    I even have trouble writing "victim" as I feel like I got myself into that situation and didn't do nothing to get out of it, how can that be a victim, victim of myself I guess.
Sorry I'm not implying this is you at all, just the inability to ask for help from staff.
Conditioning for sure

What you are describing here is something I have struggled with, over and over and over and over again. And in my case, I'm not certain if the men always realized I was afraid or didn't want to, I know on a few instances they knew but didn't give a *.  And I do struggle in afterthought with feeling like I am/was a "victim" to their desires and greed. And I feel so much shame, so much shame on this topic.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I can imagine that being difficult.