Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Thank you for all the hugs!   

My arm is slowly getting better. It's only bothering me periodically now. I got new medication for it, but I haven't picked it up yet (Lazy + out of money).

I was planning on writing more, but I think writing a PM, and writing the previous post took the air out of me. So I'll go make pancakes and return to art instead.

[sanmagic7]

glad to hear your arm is getting better.  that must feel o so good.

that shame stuff can really wreck us.  i've had those one-night stands myself - not fun, not satisfying, didn't come close to what i thought it might be.  just ugly.  unfortunately, we do stuff like that every so often.  i think that the adult part of us takes responsibility for our part in it, and, well, sometimes we have to write the rest of it off as a bad investment.  we made a mistake, and we're learning from it.  that's a plus, isn't it?

i give you so much credit for writing about it, for letting it out.  i hope that's a positive thing for you.  i've been there, and i'm just glad i'm not there anymore.  with you on this, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Nightmare nightmare nightmare

[Wattlebird]

 

[Deep Blue]

Oh no Sceal!
Those can really take the wind out of your sails.  Try to be extra loving with yourself today.  That exhaustion piece after a night of poor sleep can be a double whammy 

Sometimes I write down the nightmare in an attempt to get it out of me.

I care about you darling 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Sceal]

It wasn't trauma related..it was just an old fashioned nightmare.

the bad stuff

I've noticed I have struggled with sleep this week..ranging from not sleeping to continually waking up to nightmares. My Lady E says it's not really that strange, my mind is doing alot of working right now and it's disturbing my sleep patterns. When I complained that regular folks can do one night without sleep she reminded me their brains aren't filled up with all this chaos and mess. I don't like it, but I am starting to just having to accept I need sleep every night. Otherwise it turns into poor choices and unregulated emotions the next days.  She also pointed out  I was avoiding things today, even when I was talking about avoidance I was avoiding. I hate working on avoidance. There's a part of me that struggle against working on it and twists s knife inside me whenever I am confronted with it.

I also have to admit to myself that I more than likely come across as aggressive in my tone of voice to my roommate and perhaps in certain situations with my family. My Lady E would say it is good, it is a sign of standing up for myself. But I think sometimes it is not needed..I don't have to barge in and tell him to clean. For example. I pride myself on being tolerantn and calm. But I think I need to accept that I am not around him. Which is a shame..I will have to work on that down the line.

I dissociated for a minute today. It's been a while. It was at the SA support center.

I walked through town today without realising I was showing my * to everyone as my skirt had crawled up past my jacket.

the good stuff
I got an additional homework from Lady E at eating disorders support center Today. To write down atleast one positive thing a day along with food journal. So I'm going back to that here as well.

I put on make-up today and it looked good. I don't wear makeup in my daily life. I was never that kind of girl. I like it on occasions.

I went to a Christmas concert in a huge hall.  With 1609 other people in the hall and no anxiety.

I had 4 meals at regular intervals today. Lady E says my body will start to adjust now, and me feeling less bloated is part of it due to regular meals. My intestines are working all the time rather than randomly. Which apparently is good. 4 meals is still difficult, but not so much as in the beginning

[Three Roses]

 

[Sceal]

[Sceal]

 The bad stuff
I ate a whole half box of ice cream. At first I felt okay. I had eaten it because I wanted to. To celebrate some alone time. Then the shame got to me, and the guilt. Now I don't feel so good.

I finally finished the handpainted Christmas card to Lady T, and I rushed over to the clinic to give it to her. Only to be told she's already on holiday vacation. She won't be back until January. She has had alot more than the usual 4 weeks of holiday this year. I wonder how that will go for my treatment if she will continue with that during 2019.

In my rush to get the card delivered I didn't have time to give my roomie a safe-travels and Christmas hug. I feel terrible because of that. So selfish. I couldn't even drive him to the airport because mom needed her car back today and I needed to return it. I felt guilty that I returned the car with no fuel on it. I had warned her, but I have no money to refuel.

Loads of guilt today.

There was a lady on the tram today, clearly having had a life battling her own demons. It's not common that people start talking aloud here, not to themselves or to whoever is nearby. But she did. And after a while she tried to get my attention. She tried to touch my arm. She was amused my jacket and her bag had the same colour. But I flinched. I pulled back. I got scared. And ashamed - there was nothing bad in what she meant. It was rude of me to pull back.

And now, now I am scared of being home alone. I am scared my abusers decide they are going to pay me a visit. I imagine they will be subtle about it. "Hi. We've missed you. Why haven't you answered your phone or any of the messages on Facebook?" All innocently like. But there will be an undertone to it, they will be telling me I won't get away that easily.
This hasn't happened.... Yet. Yet. 

the good things
My friend came over and made us dinner. We talked about loads of stuff for hours. (Too many hours). I even surprised myself with talking more freely about my concerns and he didn't flinch or judge me.

[Deep Blue]

To be fair Sceal,
I wouldn't want a stranger touching me either! That's way outside my comfort zone.

We are here if you are nervous about being alone. 

Thinking of you and hope you have a good one 

[sanmagic7]

 

i don't think you were rude, either.  strangers touching me?  nuh-uh.  and you warned your mom about the lack of money for gas - that sounds about right to me. 

[Blueberry]

Sceal, I don't think you're selfish for not wishing your roomie a good Christmas / safe travels etc. It sounds like you were more in a rush, too much to do. It wasn't selfish - quite the opposite - to be hand-painting a card for Lady T and taking it to her. You were doing that instead of something for roomie. We can't be in 3 places at once, it just doesn't work.

I'm sorry Lady T took off before you could give her the card. She'll get it in January though and I'm sure it'll mean a lot to her then too. Lots of my Christmas post tends to arrive late. Better late than never. Better once every 5 years than never. We've got other stuff on our plates all year, can't always keep up with everything.

I agree with the others that it's not rude to not allow someone to touch your arm. That's your space and your sense of safety comes first. That other lady with her demons needs to find somebody else to converse with.

I suppose feelings of guilt are an EF thing. I wish you fewer feelings of guilt. Maybe there's a packet waiting for you over on the Porch with a little box to put your guilty feelings in so you can lock them away sometimes?

I will be on the forum on and off over the holidays, and I'm sure others will be too. So please drop by if you're feeling scared or guilty or whatever. 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I just wanted to say that I think it was a difficult situation with the lady on the tram, and I would have felt uncomfortable about someone I didn't know trying to touch me - so I completely understand your reaction to that.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
I hope you'll feel safer this evening - maybe imagine a golden glow of safety around you - that's what I do sometimes - and it seems to be protective, but I realise it's just a mental image - but I used to do it as a child - imagining I had an 'aura' around me, that no one could get to - unless I allowed them.  Felt stronger somehow.  Sceal, I hope you feel a bit safer - and that you can get some rest and sleep later.
Take care,
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and support. ❤️
I think you might be right, Blueberry. It might possibly have been a long lasting EF.

the bad stuff
I've been so exhausted today. I tried to check in with myself today, to do things I wanted to do. Problem was I didn't really want anything or have the energy to do anything. So I was on the sofa all day watching Christmas movies. Some really bad, one better. All for children. I needed to get in contact with my inner child in order to get some holiday spirit. I could need some Santa Claus magic tonight.

I've only eaten carbs Today. I'm dissapointed by that.

Now that I am in bed, I keep "seeing" them. I don't want to remember that stuff.  So tired.
And no one to talk to. No one to comfort me. Not properly.