Sceal's new journal

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope you had some Santa Claus Magic - as I know that is what you wanted.  I hope you managed to get some sleep in the end, and I wanted to send you a comforting hug   
Hope 

[Sceal]

Merry Christmas everyone! 

I know that for some of you, this is a difficult holiday, but I hope that this year it will be filled with new good memories to replace those bad ones from years back.

Dear Hope, I did get some sleep, and I had an uncomfortable dream. But that was all it was, uncomfortable. It wasn't a nightmare, and I woke up super early and feeling rested.
It even started to snow for a short while, almost like magic (it's raining away now though, but...)

The Good Stuff
I'm waiting to be picked up by my dad. I am bringing too much stuff to carry on the bus. I'm going to laundry my and my roomie's duvet. My washer is too small, and I don't have a drier. So I use my parents twice a year. And there's very little that is more comfortable than coming home to a freshly made bed with new linen and a clean duvet! 

I'm all dolled up. I put the make-up on, and I feel good. I was feeling disgusted by myself earlier today. I'm somewhat bloated and wearing workout tights that dig into my stomach was not improving my mood. But I'm in my dress now and trying very hard to ignore that my dress-tights is a number too small as it keeps slipping down.  I put on one of grandmas old necklaces that she beaded, it's with silver beads. It goes well against my dark attire and red hair. Dad and I are going to visit her and grandpa's grave too. I miss her, and I love her.

I've watched the MUST watch Christmas movie on Christmas Eve, it's an old czech movie that's been dubbed by one voice. Or rather, I put it on in the background while I was packing together all the presents and over-night bag and my sketchbook and reading book (I anticipate alot of time where I'll be idle).
And now christmas music is playing.

Christmas times makes me, as well as so many others, to think back about the year that has been. It's been a very eventful year. I thought it'd be a dull one. But I was wrong. I have very little planned for 2019, so I'm hoping good surprises and desicions will be made that makes 2019 as good as 2018. Despite all the worries, fears, flashbacks, body memories, physical, mental and emotional pain. Despite the utter exhaustion at times, I've worked hard and it has actually paid out well.

I struggle with food still, but I will try and do as my Eating Disorder councillor/support person says: Note down the positives of each day to keep them fresh, and remind myself that everyday isn't all bad. It's not as if I am dwelling at the negative thoughts and feelings all the time. But it might look like it as it's usually when I write here. And I rarely have positive emotions surrounding food, which is what she sees when she goes through my food journal.

[sanmagic7]

merry christmas to you, sceal.   

sounds like you look fabulous, dahling, and that you're in a festive mood.  i enjoy christmas, too.  and, yes, it has been an eventful year - nothing boring about it.

enjoy enjoy the holiday, and keep up the good work.  love and hugs, my darling sceal.

[Deep Blue]

Merry Christmas Sceal.

  hope you enjoy time with your dad.  Thinking of you

[Sceal]

  Merry Christmas!

[Three Roses]

Merry Christmas, Sceal! 🎄🎁🎅❤️

[Sceal]

It was a lovely evening for most parts! I got some lovely gifts, and I got to see everyone getting happy for getting their gifts too. And alot of good, totally unhealthy food. Cuddles with the dogs.
Although, I wasn't much included in the conversations, and as the evening went on - they got louder and louder and I got more and more sound sensitive. My mom became somewhat agressive at times, I asked my dad if he noticed. He didn't really. Either because he's used to her or because I am way too sensitive. But it felt like a knife stabbing me gently each time. Even if her aggressiveness wasn't aimed at me, actually it never was aimed at me. And neither was it mean - it was more her wanting to be heard and to be right rather than anything else. Oh, and some frustration at my dad at times.  I dunno, I've always been sensitive to agressivitiy. Even as a young child, although there seriously were no need for me to be as sensitive as I was.
They also started discussing trauma, on a general term. That made my stomach twist. They have their opinions and their own experiences, how much trauma they've been through in their lives I can't honestly say. I don't know, except for this one incident that affected the entire family in various degrees due to some terrorists. 

I was very happy when my aunties finally left, then I ran to the bedroom to be alone and fall asleep. My mom was surprised I went to bed - but I really couldn't handle anymore.
I slept well, weird dreams, but nothing bad.

I am back home now. I've hoovered, and doing some laundry. And aired out the flat. It feels nice now. Cleaner somehow.
I've got some work to do this week. Figuring out the goals I want to work towards the next 3 months, and such.

[Three Roses]

 

[Sceal]

  Three Roses


The Feelings

So, come dinner today I overate. I had the portion my mom let me bring back home. It was a sizeable portion, but not what I call "American Size" (The times I've been to the US the portions have been so huge. I hope no one takes offence at my nicknaming portions - actually I feel pretty bad now.. But I think I need to let this stay here. I'm worried about all my american friends here will think. I'm afraid I've hurt someone unwittingly, and I'm scared what they might think of me now... and I think I need to learn not to worry about these things. Eventually people will get insulted by what I say and think, I can't please everyone. Not anymore. I stop to exist then...). But I had bought a bag of chips the day the shops closed down for christmas, so I'd have something to nibble on. Except I didn't nibble. I downed it. I even felt I'd had far too much salt, but I couldn't stop.

I think I couldn't stop because I was feeling emotions I didn't want to feel, having thoughts I didn't want to deal with. What exactly those things were, I'm not rightly sure. I was watching a tv-show which is about a stalker, perhaps that wasn't the healthiest choice for me. I just didn't want to search for a new show, so I took the first one I found. It's quite a few hours since my overeating. My Eating Disorder Lady is telling me I need to force myself to eat ALL the meals, even when I overeat, and I'm getting close (or rather past) the time for evening meal, and just thinking of it is making me want to cry. I want to curl up and ugly cry. Except I wont. I wont allow myself to cry, I never do. There's a blockage there that I can't undo just yet. I mean, I do cry when pushed in therapy. Or when watching emotional movies. Usually it tends to come as a surprise to me. 

I am feeling unease, unrest. My chest and throat feels constricted, my gut feels like it has a bottomless pit of darkness and a bit of crimson red. My back is extending, my legs doesn't exist most of the time (I mean, Idon't notice they are there). My lower belly feels like it's filled with disgusting, and heavy yellow pus.  This is how Lady T makes me check in with my body. Describe what it feels like, and colour and where. If I can. And then notice the change when I do something different. While typing I'm sitting  pretty straight up, so I leaned back in my chair and opened my arms out wide to the side, and I was just filled with such sadness. My gut isn't so bottomless anymore, and I can breathe easier. But I feel so much more heavier.

I tried to do some self-care. I took a hot shower, and I used some shower foam and a body lotion afterwards that I recieved as a christmas gift from my friends. I never usually use that kind of stuff. I think it's because I feel like I don't deserve it, mixed with not wanting to touch and awknowledge my body. I don't think it worked much, atleast not today. But perhaps it will long term? I hope so.

I feel such pressure, I think. I think that's what's going on. Pressure to be jolly, and pressure to relax and unwind. I have the place to myself now, I need to use the time the best as I can. so I MUST UNWIND. Except, the mind doesn't work quite like that. Perhaps I'll manage to do so the day roomie returns. I am supposed to feel and choose to do the things that I WANT to do. Just because I want to do them. But most of the time I'm not sure what it is I want, or if I even want anything. I just feel like I'm filled up with obligations, and I'm not sure who put them on me. Others, or myself? Regardless, I can't seem to rid myself of them.

Earlier today though, I had some energy so I drove near this trail area and I walked my new routine. It's just 40 minutes. It's not very long. Most people go out for a hike today, as most people feel guilty about all that food for Christmas. So there was loads of people out. But I was so pleased with myself, because I got out. I found the parking lot (I appraoched from a new direction), the weather wasn't exactly amazing. It was drizzling, and normally I just stay in. But I went out anyway. And I was pleased with that. And I thought to myself "I can do this", and by this, I meant working out. Going for trail hikes, lesser ones at first. once a week. I'll just not take the bus right home. I'll take the bus to the trail, go my round and then take the bus back home. Or alternatively take the trail up the mountain instead - and walk home afterwards. And I was so energetic about this, until I realized one thing: It's not likely to be very realitstic. It's too much too soon. I need to do the gallery thing first, get used to that. Just walking there and back home is 4.2km. I could get off the busstop a few stops earlier though and walk from there. I used to do that when I worked in town, and it was quite nice. It was a nice routine. And I've missed it, usually now when I finally go home I'm so exhausted I don't have the willpower of the energy for the extra 20-30 min walk. But maybe I can get there in a few months time. If I just step it up slowly? I made me think too. At first I was excited, then when I started planning how to do it, I realized I was doing it for being reckognized and be approved of by my much more healthier family, and society as a whole. And all of my energy left me, all of my motivation was gone. It's just wrong, I need to do it for me, because I want to. Deep down inside, I want to. And I do, I just can't bring out that motivation often enough, and it sucks.


So sorry for such a long rant.
But I am feeling a little lighter. I'm going to turn off the lights and listen to instrumental music now.

[Deep Blue]

I'm one of your American friends and I'm not offended by the label "American portion".  I think it's pretty right on 

I'm sorry you felt pressure to be jolly today but glad you wrote here.  Glad you are going to relax and listen to music tonight.  Take care love ya 

[Three Roses]

I'm American and not in the least offended! It's very true that our portion sizes are humongous compared to other areas of the world. 

[Sceal]

Thank you both 

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal, I hope you get some chance and opportunity to unwind, as I know you want to do that.    to you.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope, it always takes me quite a while to actually settle down.

The Stuff

I don't think I had any magic in me when I woke up this morning, although dreaming I was the conductor of a two man band a big hall was quite nice. The morning was slow, I didn't really want to do anything. I knew I had stuff to do later. Roomie messaged me, I told him to apologise to his mom. I don't think he did though. He'd been snippy, he felt bad about it. And he couldn't stop stressing about work. It got me all grumpy and in a funk. I don't want to deal with this, I am not meant to deal with his stress. I've enough on my own to get rid of. So I was in a mood when I left the house.

I put on a podcast that is rather... well out there, I'm not going to say which it is. It always leaves me shocked and I keep grinning like a fool (I've gotten comments and weird looks from folks saying I look like a fool, in a funny way though, not ill-meant. I don't care. It makes me smile). Anyway, I turned it off when I got to the hospital, I figured it was no place to listen to such things. I was visiting my dad, he's in there for a planned thing. He looked sickly, uncomfortable and displeased. But it was nice to get to visit him. I got him a newspaper and helped him so he could watch the world championchip in chess - of all things. I hurried to town and I got to do some shopping for my sister too - and I know she apprechiates it. She lives an hour away from town, and rarely gets in town. Since I was already going there - why not?

Then I met up with two childhood friends, and I felt I bonded a little with them both on a new level. Complaining about the rudeness of our parents, while shaking our heads and laughing at them. Then we went to watch the new Mary Poppins movie, I was looking forward to it. And it did NOT dissapoint. I was scared I had my hopes too high, so I tried to lower them. But MAN how I love it. I am going back to see it again. I don't care if I have to go again. The magic was right back! Emily Blunt makes a perfect performance of Mary Poppins - and man she can sing! I don't rightly remember if there was a plot in the first movie, but I do remember the magic. And there was plenty of magic here too. And so many lessons I'd like to learn and sink in.  I've a new dream. I want to become Mary Poppins! With all her magic and attitude. I am feeling the inner child of me is squealing of joy. I wanted to dance, my feet were dancing in the seat.  (I'm relistening to the soundtrack as I'm typing)
And oh my let me tell you about those seats! Proper soft and comfortable recliners that even fit my *! They had heating in the chairs if you wanted, pleeenty of leg space, two holders for drinks AND a table. I mean - COME ON! That's luxery! You could lean back, comfortably - I've never been so comfortable in a cinema seat ever.

I even have an idea blossoming up in my mind for a children's story that's inspired by one of the songs. It's beautiful!


It's all made me re-remember one thing: Last new years eve I read something about saying Yes to the universe. Litereally going outside looking up at the sky and say YES, and embrace all that life has to offer in a way. Both the bad and the good, and all the things in-between. I'm not sure if I believe in fate or destiny, but I can't change what has happened to me. I can only make sure I make different choices in the here-and-no to avoid/prevent getting near people who want to misuse, abuse and manipulate me again. I need to get my resilient up, I need to get a resting *-face and stop people pleasing and learn to say "No" without feeling bad about it, or defend myself for not agreeing/accepting everything.

There is alot of things in life I'd love to explore, discover and learn and enjoy. And in order for that to happen properly I need to work through the things from my past. I need to stop avoiding talking about the things that truly hurt me. I need to let go of the shell, I need to get properly naked emotionally. I need to dare to. I don't rightly know how, but I know where to start : I'm writing a new letter to Lady T. And this time I will write in as much detail as I can. I can be brave. The worst has happened. Shame will not win.

I spoke a little of what's going in that letter with Lady L the other day. Somehow it's easier to say it out loud to her, although - well I left enough room for intepretations. There are words I can't rightly use yet. I will get there. In 2019, I aim to be able to say the words outloud. I might not get past it all, but I will get further.
She also answered my question about what she meant with being responsible. She did NOT mean that she thought I was responsible for what happened to me, she didn't mean that I should take responsibility for that. What she meant, was to ask if I perhaps didn't take responsibility for me still being a patient, of me leaning too heavily on the support system around me, instead of taking charge of my own life. She didn't mean to accuse me, she simply meant to pose it as a question. I don't remember her words exactly, but I could understand better what she meant, and I told her so. But that I also don't reckognize myself in what she was asking.

[sanmagic7]

i've read all the 'mary poppins' books several times over, have seen the original movie and absolutely loved it, and saw 'saving mr. banks' which told about the author and walt disney bringing her books to the screen, and i loved that story, too.  i was prepared not to love this new screen version, mainly cuz i so loved all the rest of it.  so, i'm so glad to hear how wonderful it is, and now i'm looking forward to seeing it.

magic, indeed.  i actually modeled being a mother after mary poppins.  the only thing wrong with that is the fact that i wasn't magical like her, so my parenting just came off as strict, sometimes too strict.  but, yeah, i thought she was a great role model, and i can see how you'd want to be her.  i love the magic that is mary poppins.

i love your goals, think they're great and worthy of your time and effort.  even if you succeed a bit with any of them, it will still be progress.  i'm cheering  for you.  love and hugs, darling sceal.