Sceal's new journal

[Wattlebird]

I'm glad u straightened up what lady L meant about responsibility, I love your goals as well, sending you lots of magic for the new year 

[Sceal]

I had no idea there were books, San. Now I have to pick them up! Thanks for telling me.

And thank you both for cheering me on my new goals. However I find that I am utterly exhausted today. Too much fun I suspect

[sanmagic7]

there are 4 of them.  p.l. travers is the name of the author.  they're just wonderful.  maybe i'll read them again, too.   

[Sceal]

My support friend is coming with me to see it next Friday 🤓 looking forward to it. I'll have a look at the books after I'm done with the ones I already have lined up

[Sceal]

So the new year is here, pretty much. Somewhere in the world I am sure it is already 2019.

My windows are dirty, my laundry is only half-done, my floor could need a wash, and I had to take the christmas tree out yesterday it was loosing all it's needles everytime I bumped into it (which was surprisingly often). But to be honest, these are trivial matters I don't care about them. Once I would have made sure everything was clean and ready for the new year, and a part of me really wants to put on that laundry machine. Maybe I will, maybe I wont. Either way, both is okay.

I don't really follow the whole "new year, new me, new year resolution"-thing. But that's not to say I don't have goals for the new year. I haven't figured them all out yet, because I'm still learning to set what Lady T calls "realistic expectations". But in psychology they have discovered, researched and documented that the highest likelyhood of you reaching your goal comes if; when you set your goals you make them as detailed as possible, and then divide it up into smaller goals which are also detailed.

One of my goals this year is to work harder in therapy. But that is so vague, it can mean -anything-. So I'm rephrasing it to: My goal is to be able to talk about one of the traumas with my own words and voice. In order to achieve this I will have to practice talking about difficult things, I will have to stop avoiding hard topics, and I will have to slow down.  These are things I have to do, but it's not telling me anything about how I am going to do them, and this is where it is starting to get tricky for me. Because I really only have two part-goals plans. One is to write down in a letter to Lady T, what actually happened that last week-end in the fall of 2016. The other goal is to actually give it to her.

I think though, that my plans aren't specified enough yet. And therefore have a higher likelyhood of failing. Not a happy prospect, but I haven't given up yet. I'm working on that letter. And I have as long as I need to write it, but I do want to push myself to do it. And so I shall.

I do have art plans, and I do have vacation dreams. But those are more vague, because they both depend on my health. The art thing, it depends on the gallery and what they say when I present my thoughts and ideas to them on what I'd like to work on. If they approve of it, I think I'll have to sit down and make a more detailed plan. And somehow make it more realistic than what I currently have it as.  The vacation dream depends on two things; money and the surgery. I can't plan my year until I know when the surgery is, I suspect I will need a few months to acclimatize to my new life after it. But if it is during the spring it will affect the art-plan, and regardless of when it is: it will affect my health-plan and therapy plan. And no one can say yet in which direction: More positive or negative.

I have worries, fears, concerns and they exhausts me. They make me stress and wear me out, but despite that... They don't yet drown me. I'm still hopeful. And for the first time ever, I think, I am curious, excited and ready to jump in with two feet into the unknown future. I don't have a long-term plan. I've no idea what life has in store for me. I have no plan for it, but tip-toeing around and being afraid of trying has just held me back. I know that I will feel differently in a few days time. I know when I have a dark and difficult day or period, I will think I am a fool for having said this. But still, there's something magical going on, I just have to reach for it.

I picked up my roomie yesterday at the airport. He was confused at my jokes and general good nature and mood, despite being hungry as f*. I hadn't eaten for 10 hours, and normally that would awaken the hangry-monster. But as I told him, I've had 9 days more or less with as much free-time and solitude as I could want. I would have wanted more if I could have, but this is what happens when I get enough downtime. When I get enough silence around me, and to be allowed to be home and be alone for more than a few hours. I recharge. I've tried to explain this to him for years, and he discovers it everytime he goes away - but somehow as the year progresses he never remembers
This year however, his mother gave him a christmas present of a plane ticket to come visit in the summer. So I hopefully get two free-slots at home in 2019! Summer and Christmas!

I was really tired and wanted to go to bed when I started writing, but all these positive thoughts have envigorated me. So, now I feel better!

[Sceal]

Meh,

Roomie was all happy yesterday, today he is grumpy and snappy. I'm even waking up at 2.30 in the morning to pick him up from work. I feel it is not justified his snippyness. Ruining my mood tbh.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal - Just wanted to send you a supportive hug  - sorry to hear your roomie is in a grumpy and snappy mood - doesn't sound good. 
I'd like to wish you a Happy New Year - as you said it's here, pretty much.  Where I am, there is still many hours left before it happens, but like you say, in some parts of the World it's already 2019.  I hope your plans will come to fruition - and I hope you have lots of positive experiences to look forward to next year.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

I hope your plans will come to fruition - and I hope you have lots of positive experiences to look forward to next year.

[Sceal]

Thank you both.  I hope your new year's celebration was nice and kind to you.

I spend the day with my family, had dinner with them, played quiz and did some transfer-drawings. Saw the speech from the head of my country, and eventually drove home. Waited until I could pick up roomie at 3 am.
My body however was NOT happy yesterday. ache and pain everywhere.

I finished the end of the letter to Lady T, not the beginning. It was hard, it really was. I had a sickening feeling in my pit and core. but it's done. Now I have to write the intro, which will be fine. that's just thoughts and musings. I wonder though, if that is what has me out of commission. I don't feel sick, but I have no energy, I'm lathargic and in alot of pain. Primarilly in my lower back and hip. I've slept all day, I hope I get to sleep tonight.

[Deep Blue]

I've been laying around all day too.  I read your letter to lady T.  I can totally see that that could take a lot out of you.  Sending you healing vibes and love 

[Sceal]

oh no, the part that put me out, is not on this forum. It never will be.

I hope rest will make us be able to face tomorrow. 

[sanmagic7]

 

your courage, strength, and determination are showing, sweetie.  love you.

[Sceal]

I'm so scared, so ashamed, so sad. 

I know I am priviledged, I'm so F!"¤#"% lucky to get this change. I'm starting my first day at work tomorrow. And all I can do is freak out and cry.
I was asked today by Lady L, she had 5 minutes for me, what it was that I am so scared of. And I don't know what it is.
I have started up in new places and new work-spaces before. I've always been nervous. Same with starting various education years later than everyone else.
I mean, I have done this thing before. Being the new person, being the only new person. It was scary then too, but not like this. I don't think. 

1st of january I became bedridden. 2nd I had to try and force myself out to move, to try and walk the pain off. It helped. Heating packs helped calm the muscles. Today I'm just crying, and I'm shaking, and I'm all over the place. I hate this. It's supposed to be exciting! I've looked forward to this for the past 6 months, and it's actually here now and I'm falling apart.
My sister is being a star, she's so supportive. Why did I not see this before?

I've tried to be self-compassionate towards myself all day telling that it does hurt, it is scary, no wonder I'm all tensed up. I'm here for me, we can do this together. And all that stuff, but it's not having much of an effect today. But I suppose I shouldn't have expected miracles, I've just started doing this. And by just. I mean today.

I wish that I for once could just by sheer willpower turn off all emotions, so I can just go through the motions tomorrow. 

[sanmagic7]

i hear ya, sweet sceal.  i'd like to turn those emotions off at times, too.  i'm there with you, if that helps.  right by your side.  breathe, breathe, it will be ok.  maybe not perfect, but that's not a bad thing.  you'll deal with it, cuz that's what you do.  sending love and 

[Deep Blue]

Oh sweet Sceal,
I know that feeling too.  I'm so glad your sister is able to help you and be supportive.  If I were with you irl I would do the same.

I wish I had more words now but I echo what San says.

breathe, breathe, it will be ok.  maybe not perfect, but that's not a bad thing.  you'll deal with it, cuz that's what you do.  sending love and 

Sending you love and compassion