Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Dear San,

I've not gotten as far as I'd hoped in the book. I think I'm merely on chapter 5. The two chapters felt more like a self biography and not what I thought it was going to be, and I nearly put it down if it werent for a few quotes early on in the book that kept me reading. I don't mind biographies, but I need to choose to read one when I do. So far it has mostly been things I already know, from classes or from my own T. But it is interessting, it's a nice reminder and I am curious to see where the rest is going.

The book does state that trauma do make physical changes in the brain, and I suppose so you're right then that it could be alot like what we eat affects our bodies as well. Eat with variety and plenty of veggies is alot more healthier for our systems than to only fastfood.

I used to be quite frustrated with people they kept telling me I needed to relax. But not a single one of them could tell me how to relax. I think they all found it bizzarre that I had no clue on what they were talking about. Or they didn't believe me. But I honestly had no idea what or how to relax. What that would feel like, how to do it. It still takes alot for me to actually get to a relaxed state - but I am much much better at it now than I ever were before.

Trigger warning:

You write:

so, could your trauma have anything to do with your weight?  i don't know why not.  perhaps it gained weight as a means of protection, and if you still feel unsafe, it stays there to try to help you.

This is partially true. For a while I would combat eating (what I thought was) loads, to gain weight so that I would become uglier and more unnattractive so no one would want to touch me, at least of all want to R* me, and not eating at all because I desperatedly craved human affection and approval.
I also gained alot of weight when I was put on medication, that I struggled deeply and intensely with trying to get rid of-but failed. It happens each time they give me medication - which is why I say no. It's not worth it for me. It's 15-20kg up in weight in 1-2 months every single time. It's just not worth it.

Trigger warning end

Thank you for believing in me. It means alot to hear someone else believing in you to fight the fight.

Last night as I was watching Eurovision I got a few flashbacks and EF. It wasn't a good thing, but doubly not because I wasn't on my own. I was with my friends and their family. When I got home I noticed how tensed up I had become, and I'm suffering the consequences of that today. This week in particular has had an increase in muscular tension and pain. It's bearable - but it affects my mood.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you on that tension stuff, not being able to relax.  i've experienced some relaxation sporadically, but for the most part, i think my muscles are in a consistent 'armored up' mode, as 3roses put it.  they don't know how to do anything but be on alert all the time.  i have to consciously do things like roll my shoulders back, or un-tense my back muscles.  even when i lay down to sleep, i'll find my head about 1/2 " above the pillow, and i have to willfully relax my neck so my head will sink into the pillow.  it's amazing to me.

i've found some guided relaxation stuff on youtube, and that can help but it doesn't last long.  so much of this, i believe, is from so many years of being in 'fight or flight' mode in my marriages, with my npd daughter, living in the heat of the desert, dealing with the medical profession, not being heard or understood - on and on.  over 40 yrs. worth of this crap, in these kinds of relationships.  i'm not surprised at my body's reactions anymore.

here's to learning how to relax, being able to, surrounding ourselves with non-stressful people, but rather the kind and caring type.  i do think that may be our best bet on being able to finally let go of that tension.  not necessarily easy, but i've also found that when i can laugh, when i'm around people who like to laugh, that helps a lot, too.  so, i want to laugh my way thru as much of this pain as i can.  and pooh to the rest.  love you, and a big, gentle hug that maybe will help ease some of the tension.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I just wanted to pop over and offer you a gentle hug  and say that I hope that you are able to release some of that tension that has built up.  I know you said you had some EF's after watching the Eurovision.  I hope you're feeling a bit better today. 
Take it easy, if you can.
I also thought that you wrote with clarity about how your weight affects you - and I admired your ability to do that, and to think about what triggers it and affects it. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi San and Hope,
I forgot you had replied, I didn't mean to be rude!
Dear San, I am glad that laughter is a "medicine" you can use to help you with the Monster and perhaps makes it easier to release some tension.

Dear Hope,
Thank you! I am going to have to dare more into the debts of my mind in regards to food, workouts and body image. I'm not looking forward to the work, but I think it'll be important.
to both
---

I've been away this week. I went on a vacation with my sister abroad. It's her first trip abroad without our parents. So it was quite stressful for her.
I've never spent so much money on a vacation before. But then I haven't been on a shopping vacation before either. It's certainly challenging..finding clothes I like and them not fitting me. But luckily I actually found some and that helped my self esteem.
It was an attack on the senses though. So much sound, it was so incredibly loud ALL the time. People, cars, sirens, machines, construction work.  So I am really looking forward to coming back home and the only thing I'll hear is the rain, the birds and the next door cat talking to me.

We met up with some online friends and they laughed when I jumped 2m up in the air when the bus honked. It didn't feel good, but they don't know this about me- so it's not like I could blame them. I just pretended I didn't hear them.

Nothing noteworthy to say..it's been 4 good days, exhausting but good. Travelling far away from my past abusers tends to make my anxiety and my Monster (cPTSD) lessen dramatically.  Even if statistically I'm not safer here

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Welcome back from your trip, and I am glad that you managed to find some clothes, and that you coped with your trip.  You said it's been "4 good days, exhausting but good" - and glad it was good.

I missed you!   

Hope 

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
Such a lovely welcome-back message  thank you, I've missed you too. I don't know if I've ever told you this but you remind me of Vanilla. Soft, sweet, calming and just lovely. (I often see people as a scent or taste. And sometimes colour) (I hope that wasn't too weird)

---
I have spent a lot of time at this airport today. The last 4 days has put alot of strain on my legs and knees and shoulders. They ache and are sore - even if I am sitting down.

At a point during the trip I got extremely stressed because we arrived at the wrong office for departure on a day-trip out of the city, but luckily we were fashionable early (an hour) so we had enough time to get to the right place. But being late is something that stresses me out alot and is easily a trigger for an anxiety attack. But this time I discovered something new. My mind calmed down reasonable quickly. We had a plan and we were following it. But my body didn't follow. My heart was still racing and pumping blood like crazy, I was sweating, my muscles were tensed  up and stomach had the tightly knit ball of... Something.
It was strange to notice this. Normally I don't sense the body at all.

I was thinking about this as I was sitting here reading The body keeps the score, I am at the section where he talks about befriending the body. And he is pretty much describing what my T has been doing with me in therapy since January. I might write her a letter and tell her about all of this.

[sanmagic7]

sorry for all the aches and pains after your 4 good days, sceal.  hope they don't put too much of a damper on the trip.

i'm with you on all the noise and hustle/bustle on all sides.  makes me jump, too.

it's good to get away, tho.  i'm looking forward to a little day trip next week.  just a change of scenery will be nice.

love and hugs, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

I guess the body just does what it needs to sometimes. Like emotions, the body is also a signal of something it needs. A warning of needing to gently take care of yourself more, Sceal. I'm happy to hear you'll be asking for advice around it more.

Interesting. You think of people as taste or scent? Ooh! Ooh! What am I then? Sorry if this is unrelated — sometimes I get overly curious and bombard people with questions.

[Hope67]

Sceal, I absolutely love the comparison to Vanilla - such a lovely 'flavour, scent' etc, so many nice things about that - thank you!     You made me smile.   
I hope you can enjoy some more quiet spaces now you're back from the travelling and airports, and I hope your legs, knees and shoulders feel better, and less tense very soon, as your body hopefully will relax again.   
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
Do you have synesthesia? Or is it more an emotional level comparison to you?

I have had that happen when my mind feels calm but my body disagrees.  I find it very confusing.  The last time it happened I wondered if it was a type of EF.

Much love to you
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

San,
Thank you for your concern. It didn't. My sister helped me accept that it hurts and that I need breaks. So it didn't put that much of a damper, but I have a goal that next trip will be easier to walk around in.  It's good to be back to fresh air and to the "country-side".

Rocket,
unfortunatedly I don't know the english word for what you're asking, I also don't know the word in my native language for the thing itself. I just recognize the scent.

Hope,
I am happy I made you smile 

Deep Blue,
I don't know if I do have synesthesia. It used to be alot easier to recognize scents and flavours on people. But after the last few r* it's gotten alot harder. So I'm not sure if it's the trauma blocking something that normally occurs naturally to me. I haven't read up on it, Synesthesia that is. So I know very little of it and how it works.

---
I intended to go for a short walk in the sun today, it ended up being 1.5 hour. I didn't walk very fast, I'm not able to at the moment. I got too much weight to move around. There was a few lengthy uphill battles on my way home that was quite strugglesome and annoying. But I took plenty of breaks and I tried to talk to myself in a friendly voice that if I keep walking in a short time it wont be as difficult as it was today.

I've been reading alot further in The Body Keeps the Score and I got alot of thoughts that I find very disturbing. Not all of what's in the book is pertaining to me, or at least I don't think it does. And in a way, reading about the seriousness, horrible hells these people have been through - I feel like I should stop complaining and whining and just "get it together" and move on. People has had it worse, I got nothing to cry about.
I've needed validation for so many years, and I think I still do, that what I went through were not okay - and that me being ill is okay after being through not-okay stuff. But now, reading this.. I feel like I shouldn't complain.
I know that comparing my pain to what happened to others is fruitless. Yet, I do it. I compare my pain up to others. I am ashamed to admit it, I really am.
But if someone tells me it shook them to the core, or that they are having problems getting over being slapped on the * by their boss, or have some sexist remarks at work/public/etc I agree that it's not okay, but I also deep down think that it's not the same as being r* or SA. It just isn't.
This is the first time I'm voicing this out loud, and I'm terrified for the consequences of this.

This wasn't what I intended to write about at all. I inteded to write about what the book says about BPD. Maybe another time.

[Sceal]

NTS:
When I saw J's part of the world from the air plane window last night (without seeing his house.. just general geography) I felt a knot in my stomach and my jaw clenched up. I got filled with nervous energy.
After we had landed and were waiting for the luggage I started cold-sweating and I got stomach cramps.

I think my body was signalling something to me.

[Blueberry]

But if someone tells me it shook them to the core, or that they are having problems getting over being slapped on the * by their boss, or have some sexist remarks at work/public/etc I agree that it's not okay, but I also deep down think that it's not the same as being r* or SA. It just isn't.
This is the first time I'm voicing this out loud, and I'm terrified for the consequences of this.

Are you terrified of other members' reactions? I'm one of those who theoretically could be really upset at you voicing this. But I'm not. I would have a lot of problems getting over being slapped the place you mention by a boss or a friend or anybody else but it is because of the CSA done to me. I dissociate at the mere mention of certain words. The skin on my scalp and back is all prickly now.

We seem to tend to compare, a general trend with cptsd. Maybe it's a human trend, idk. You don't think what happened to you is as bad as some stuff mentioned in The Body Keeps the Score. Please believe me when I say it was. It was bad enough. It doesn't need to be any worse. I used to compare myself with concentration camp victims, I didn't have it so bad. It used to help me pick myself up and keep going, it doesn't any more. FOO was always comparing my 'sufferings' to those of people with 'real problems'. Maybe somebody did that to you too or to many of us on here. It's a form of invalidation. It's learned behaviour that I do to myself as well.

Anyway, as I said, I'm not upset at you voicing this. Some things are better out than in. They lose power over us when we finally express them.

[Sceal]

Dear Blueberry,

I should have made myself a bit more clear, but I was so tired last night when I wrote.
Yes, I am terrified of other members reactions, mostly because I'm terrified of being misunderstood. The people I poorly tried to create an example of are people who has no prior trauma in their life. No CSA, no prior abuse, neglect or otherwise. I am not saying their experience is bad and completely out of place or warranted. I just meant that it is not the same as SA or CSA - and it bothers me when they try to relate to SA/CSA victims by unwanted sexual remarks.

But I want to thank you, because you reminded me of a viewpoint I was overlooking - and I'm embarrassed to admit I did overlook it. And that is that such behaviour is an enormous trigger for people with past trauma. I myself would have been triggered too, and very few people know my past.

I feel I messed this up. I'm truly, really sorry. 

There is a section in DBT that is about comparing. Either comparing your situation to someone elses situation being worse, or comparing your current state to a previous state. If it's a worse state then recall the progress and if it's a previous good place to remind you that you have the capacity for feeling good. I don't use this technique on purpose because I always feel worse. It triggers me, maybe not always into dissociation.
And I just did compare... 

I'm such a fool

[Hope67]

  to you Sceal, and I doubt very much that you are ever a fool - I think you are wise. 
Yes, you did make me smile the other day - and thank you so much. 
Hope I can bring a smile to your face today - 
Hope