Sceal's new journal

[Sceal]

Thank you San! 

Not sleeping well enough is starting to take it's toll. I'm surprised it's taken a week. But on the average sleeping 4 hours a night, with waking up multiple times is heavy. I'm drained of energy, and my good mood is starting to slip back into apathy. I also feel guilty, I had homework from Lady T, but I didn't do it.
I meant to do it today, but my knees were hurting too much, and I needed to drive my sister home so I could go home. She wont berate me for it, but I feel bad for not having done my part of the deal.
I see her first thing tomorrow morning, and I don't have a chance doing it before then.

In the afternoon I'm going away for a week, visiting family. I am not sure if I will have any time to come on here. I'm looking forward to going. Although they are all so thin and beautiful, and so stylish. And so normal. And I feel like a big unjusted blob. It's my inner critic working at me, I know. But despite knowing, it still hurts.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I just wanted to wish you a good time with your family.  I'm not sure if you'll read this before you go, but  to you.  I haven't read your post yet about the steps you took - but I am going to - and I am looking forward to reading it.  I found the weekend a bit more triggering than I anticipated, which is why I wasn't around much.
Anyway, just wanted to wish you a good holiday with your family - and to let you know that I don't know how you look (having not met you) but I know you are a beautiful person - inside and out - in my opinion. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

honey, you can't do therapy wrong.  always remember that.  therapy assignments are for learning, whether they're done or not or how they're done.  there is never any reason to feel bad or guilty.  you are holding up your end of the deal by showing up, exploring, clarifying, and eventually understanding.  your job is healing - that's all.  it comes in its own time for each person.

hope you have a good visit with everyone, and above all can enjoy yourself.  i am enjoying your new path and how it's working out for you.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

  to you too Hope. Thank you, I really appreciate it today. And no worries about reading my post. Take the time you need. I hope you feel better today.

Dear San, she did ask about the homework, but she accepted my reasons why I hadn't managed it in time. She also thanked me for working so hard, I'm not sure why she was thanking me for that.

I got out of my session 20 minutes ago. It was hard, but not as hard as expected. Although my head is all mush. I really don't want to go back feeling like this.
I'm waiting for the store to open up, and so I am watching all these people preparing for their workstation - and I feel once more that is a life far removed from mine. The ability to do all the little and big things at work. I'd be exhausted beyond words.

I feel like hiding today. Hiding from myself. Or hiding myself from others.

[Sceal]

Im visiting my family in a different city. And it feels nice. I'm my usual quiet, but I feel accepted and welcome here. And it means alot. I will try and draw upon the courage to tell one of them that I'm so grateful - without it turning weird.
Not sure when I'll come back down here though after this visit. The cousin I'm closest too in age and interests is going away for studying. And she plans to never move back.

Being here makes me feel okay. I haven't had any flash backs, any anxiety moments, any bouts of overwhelming emotions or the need to avoid alot. I'm a little bit chameleon, a little passive. I wait until something happens and I go along with that. I've been on 2-3 short walks for my own. But my knees and calves have been letting me know that I have pushed them too hard. And tomorrow it's mountain hiking - I might have to pass that one by. I'll have to ask for how long a hike they plan on. I would love to be fit enough to go.

This being here is making me dream of two things: having a place to feel at home in, that I want to invite people over to. That I can decorate beautifully mixed with practical.
The other is pursuing a career in art. However how much I end up being able to work.

And I have doubts about both. I can't afford the first and the second I don't believe I have the willpower, mental stamina and Motivation to become better than good enough and get clientele.

Right now, the cultish group I was with is having their annual gathering. I am Safe far away from them. I have forgotten all about it until writing here. I feel only a slight twinge thinking about it. But then mostly impressed and confused regarding it being such a little impact on me now.

[sanmagic7]

i think that's called progress, sweetie, when the impact of something that was once so horrible has decreased.  your t was spot on in telling you about how hard you've been working.  i see it quite clearly.  thanking you for that could possibly mean that you are making the entire therapeutic dynamic that much more efficient, clear, and easy.   it's a positive for both of you while you're working on everything.

i do believe your art career will come into its own when you're ready for it.  as long as you place your stepping stones down where needed when you're  able, you'll eventually pave the way to where you want to be.

as far as having your own place to show off your individuality, i just know that as my d and i were moving into this house, we had next to nothing, and lots of space to fill.  still, we've each brought our own personalities into it, and have even discovered throwaways by the side of the road that are now recycled as furniture for us. 

we're not done yet - everything is a work in progress, but we're comfortable and safe and like what we see when we look around.  it may be different for others, but it's what's important for us.  i think you'll be able to find what's important for you as well, and the expression of that will  be something for you to show off in your own way, your own style.

i see so much progress in you, sceal,  it's amazing, as are you.  i'm really glad your family visit is going well.  sending love always, and a big hug.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you are enjoying your time in that different city.  Glad it feels nice and that you feel accepted and welcome.    to you, Sceal.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you both, San and Hope. 

----
I've been doing really well lately. I felt clear headed, stronger, I was able to make a plan, and work on other things besides therapy. I've been social, and generally having my core emotion as an uplifted positive thing. When I went away to visit family this was still strong within me. It was good to get away, I felt safe. I was away from my home city. And I suspect it would do me good to move away from this city once I've completed my therapy and finished my surgery. Although I'm not sure if that is self-care or of it is avoidance. Time will tell, when I can afford to do anything about it.

I came back home last Tuesday, and my strength started to slowly weaken. I started to feel physically weak and slow. I had eaten alot of food as well as alot of candy while I was with my family in the other city. Because they were eating alot of it, and they are all slim! And once I got back home I've started my new diet regiment, I suspect that's what is making me weaker physically. But I was surprised it was such a huge difference. It wasn't as if I was booming with energy further south, but the contrast is big. I talked with my GP and she recommended a book about binge-eating, even though that's not my eating disorder, and she suggested I try to eat a little bit more during breakfast meals and lunch-meals. I think she's right, and I've started to add a little bit extra. But it's not really helping yet. Perhaps it's lack of nutrient instead? Who knows. I've reached out to the local low-threshold eating disorder help center, hopefully they'll get back to me soon and I can get some more clarity. It's a huge step for me to send them an e-mail.

Friday I had therapy session. We talked about Self-worth, feeling of never being good enough, and who do I put the blame on or rather who do I hold responsible for the traumatic events in my life (Spoiler: I hold myself responsible). I had to admit that I didn't have anyone who saw me as a child, who would take me aside and tell me that the bullies were wrong, that I am good enough, that I am worthy. That I shouldn't listen to the bullies, because they are just being mean for no reason and their behaviour is not okay. I didn't have a person who took me aside and asked me how I was, really digging in and making me answer. It was hard, to admit to her, that I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to have good and deep friendships, or good enough for adults to tell me I'm good enough the way I was. There was more. But that's the essence of it.
I had a session later that day with Lady L at the support centre too in town. And I fell asleep at the centre while I was waiting for Lady L. I was so drained after my appointment with Lady T.  When I finally got home, sat on the bus I nearly fell asleep. I sat in my car for two hours before I got in the door. I just couldn't deal with being anywhere or with anyone. Saturday was anxiety filled, I was full of anxiety when I went to town and there was such big crowds I ended up hiding in the book store. Just sitting on their sofa staring out into the air. Unable to do anything, make any desicion or yeah.. I finally got home - although I don't really remember how or when.  Sunday was left in self-pity and sadness. Today... overwhelmingly sadness.

[Deep Blue]

My sweet Sceal,
I wish I could be there with you.  My mother bear instincts are quite strong.  I would let you rest on the couch and put on a Disney movie for you.  I'd sit nearby and we would be able to sit comfortably in silence.

Thinking of you sweetie
Deep Blue

[Sceal]

Thank you Deep Blue,

I'll admit I'm in the mood for some dramatic singing from The Hunchback of Notre Dame! 

---
Today is better.
I woke up at 4.00-4.30 in the morning by a sound outside. I thought to myself "oh, just a plane landing", went to the toilet and decided to go back to sleep. Only to find that a) I was awake and b) no chance of even drifting off with this ever lasting sound of the "plane landing". It took me a moment to realize that planes doesn't hover in the air, or randomly circle on top of populated areas (when if in trouble it can circle over the ocean), and that I'm not really *that* close to the airport. I turned on the newsflash on my phone, and it turns out it was a helicopter out on a rescue mission. Someone had reported a driver-less boat on the nearby lake. No one has been reported missing, nor did they find anyone in the water. It was most likely someone trying to steal the boat, or a insurance scam.  So, I'll say quite an early morning for me.

My session with Lady T this morning went well. We continued talking about my core-belief, and that it was most likely a reaction I had as a child to explain the actions that was thrown against me. That I, as a 6-7 year old, had no control over my life or the desicions taken in it.  I argued that I could have told my mom that the other kids were mean at school, but Lady T thinks that I as a child didn't have a language for that, I hadn't learned yet how to articulate what was going on was hurting me. And since none of the adults in my life at the time were able to see, or in some cases - willing to see, what was going on at school, I had to get the explanations on my own. And for me, the only reasonable explanation was that I'm not worthy of being treated well, I am not good enough. 
We talked briefly about my mom not having enough resources to be able to see that part of my life, and I also don't blame her for that. My Lady T said that most likely I noticed and felt that my mom was overwhelmed and sick, recovering from major surgery (that affected her for years afterwards) and taking care of a toddler, that I did everything I could to protect my mom. It brought back the memory that I often had the yellow pages out on the 911 page, incase I needed to call them for mom.
My homework this week is to look at 6-7year olds and imagine them facing what I faced, and see if I can feel empathy for them. As I'm not currently able to empathize for myself. I feel I should have been stronger, I should have said "No", I should have told an adult.  But I didn't. And since my core-belief is also still tied up with the fact that I believe that I deserved to be bullied and frozen out, because I did not deserve good treatmeant then - or now. It's conflicting.
I told her I'm uncertain if I believe I'll succeed, she told me to try to just observe and see what happens.

Observing.
I'm good at that when it comes to looking at nature. I see the sun rays, the little dusts and bugs flying around. The gradient of colours and hues. The drastic and subtle change in environment. But emotions? Or what's going on inside of me? Not so much, I'm better than what I am, but I don't quite have a handle on it yet. Emotions still tend to run too hot for me to be capable of observing meaningfully. Or atleast so it feels.

We also talked about boundaries, she explored how comfortable I was with her sitting closer and further away from me. I told her if she sits too far away I read that as rejection, and too close as danger. It was interessting to see that when she asked me if I thought she should sit closer I was quite strongly and sure of myself that I would not be comfortable with that. Although I told her it was difficult, because I felt I wasn't really allowed to set too much boundaries, we were in her office. The space where she's the Queen (for the lack of a better phrasing in English). She asked if it would be different at home, and I said yes. Because I would have more freedom of space to move around if she got too close.

I felt like I was in a haze afterwards. Dead tired and exhausted. Drained really, physically and emotionally. She asked what I was going to do for the rest of the day, I said I had no plans - and she wants me to fill my days a little bit more. I agree, but also - the thought of it drains me of energy and fills me with dread. But I did contact a voulenteer group, I emailed them. They responded quite promptly and would love to meet. I just asked for a little information to hear what they got going, and wether it's something I can attend to, or if there's something I can voulenteer with.  I'm terrified, but I'll have to e-mail them back tomorrow or Thursday.

I had a walk after the session, and on the walk I saw a lady with long blonde hair, and my panic rose. She looked exactly the same as the cult-leader-lady. The moment I got home I collapsed on the sofa. I was in no fit state to drive to be honest. But I had no other option of getting home. I slept for a little while and I got up and I watched the movie "Intouchables" (The Untouchable). It's a feel-good movie, and it certainly did make me feel better. It made me feel well enough to go out for a hike in the sunny weather. I drove a while to a spot where I know the chance of meeting on anyone is incredible slim. The sun was hot and nice, the forest smelled beautifully. I would have spent all day there, if there wasn't for a couple of women who arrived too, and got my anxiety running again.  I hope for non-rainy weather tomorrow, I'll go back out then. Car-fuel be #¤&. I need nature, and I need it alone.

[sanmagic7]

 

love to you

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Sceal
This entry speaks to my heart. 

I'm excellent at analyzing other people.  Their feelings, emotions, backgrounds, interests.....   my own emotions are a completely different story.  Emotions can be overwhelming and I admit I'm scared if many of them.

I'm so proud of you for taking the time and being with nature.  I'm sure with a lack of sleep your body probably wanted to collapse but you did self care and calming instead. 

I also think Lady T is on to something.  6-7 year old Sceal probably didn't know how to express in words how the other kids treated her at school.

With my grandfather's recent passing, I had to break the news to my son.  My sweet 4 year old cried.  He said that my grandfather was his best friend.  We talked about having good memories that we could carry with us. I asked him if he wanted to play once he had calmed down.  My son said, no I'm just mad at you for telling me that so I want to play with my grandma."  He knows that my grandfather is dead. He knows he is sad.  He just doesn't have the words to be able to fully explain how he's processing it.

Take care darling

[Sceal]

Dear Deep Blue,

It sounds as if your boy is processing his grief in a way more healthier way than what us adults do. He takes time off of his grief to play and be with his grandma. Spending some positive quality time with someone he loves. Maybe it's also good for his grandma to play with her grandson during her time of grief?
I guess there is alot we can learn from children, as much as they can and have to learn from us.

I think that for me at the age of 6-7 there was too much going on at home as well, and that I didn't want to add to the burden of my mom. So instead I became incredible jealous of my younger sibling. I regret that. I didn't understand that I could have gained a valuable friend in my sibling rather than being jealous.

I've been hiking the last two days. My calves hurt yesterday a few hours afterwards. But I had walked for 1.hr 45 minutes or something like that. It's the longest hike I've been on since I crossed several mountains earlier this summer. But I did it in my pace, I did it without pressure, without feeling I had to prove something, or show off, or get some kind of approval. It might be too early for me to actually talk about hiking, because it's still fragile. I don't want that pressure back on.
September and October have always been my favourite times to go hiking. The air is chiller, so I don't overheat so much, and there's less people around, and no hay-fever. All bonuses for me.

I feel vulnerable and fragile still, but mainly just numb. It's like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting to become miserable, because I'm expecting it. Rather than being mindful about how I am in there here-and-now. Writing this down made me aware of it, so I think I'll log off now and be a bit mindful about this thought. See what happens.

[Sceal]

I don't have fear of dentists, but today I struggled. I struggled because I felt like I was choking and that I couldn't swallow. It started when I was taking pictures of my teeth, the big lumpy painful things inside my mouth and not being able to move. I had to breathe very slowly and deeply to not panic fully. I told the dentist I was stressing, and she calmed me. Telling me I was just to signal her if I needed a break, and she'd go slowly. She told me what she was going to do before she did it. So I leaned back, with her hovering over me (a trigger for me), and I kept breathing. But it was horrible. But I got through it. No holes. Just a little cleaning.

I went to do some "grocery" shoppings, household items and such. I also ended up buying a chocolate and some chips. And boy do I feel overwhelmingly bothered that I ate it all up. Really disgusted with myself, although the chocolate tasted incredible good. At the mall I went to the library, I haven't dared to step inside it before, but I did. I shouldered my courage and walked in the door. I found the section of subject which I am to expose myself to.. And I felt such deep sadness. The sadness overcame the anxiety, I wonder what that is all about. I hope I remember to tell Lady T next week. It's too late to call her today, besdies... I can manage.

My hip and calf is acting up today, I'm wondering if there's a nerve that's being clenched. But for now, I think I just need to lie down. Going out later. Potentially.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Well done for getting through that dentist appointment, it sounds like it was tough, but you're through it.  Also, your visit to the library, and facing that stuff - well done. 
to you.
Hope