Sceal's new journal

[Deep Blue]

Wow Sceal,
So much! I read every word.  I felt the fear with you and I do think flowers would be a really nice gesture in your last session, no matter how you deliver them.

Are they going to bring her replacement in for a bit before she leaves? I've seen them do that in therapy before so I was just curious.

More than anything I just wanted to say you mean a great deal to me and I wanted to send you 

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal, I just wanted to say that I hope that you'll be able to get through this - I really hate any sort of 'Goodbye' or even a transition or change - and I want to say how much I hope that you are ok.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok    I wish I could say more, but somehow I struggle to find the words. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you, you two darling people. 

I don't know Deep Blue, I don't know yet if she is referring me to one of her colleagues. If it's not one I know already, I will probably be allowed to meet them beforehand.  That's how I met Lady T.

A supportive hug is exactly what I need right now, Hope. Thank you so much!

Today has been hard. Though I don't quite know why. It started fine, I got out of bed easily enough and did my morning stretches and drank my tea and had a nice breakfast. (or was that yesterday? - no, I'm sure it was today.. right?). I got to group and suddenly there was two new members. I was unprepared. they weren't posing as a threat, I didn't feel threatened by them. But I was not okay. I was anxious, I started falling out. The nurse asked if I was okay, I said no not really. So occationally she'd whisper to me, encouragingly. She made sure to be close by me all day. After breakfast meeting it was Body-Work, I started attending, but I froze. Then it gets fuzzy for me. I think I was in the body work room, or was that in 2016? Or was it both?  I don't know. Suddenly I was crying ugly and loud in the hallway gasping for air. Alot of back and forth.
Then we were having roleplaying, the nurse and the psychologist was having roleplaying, but they were angry. And I deal very poorly with conflicts. I had to keep telling myself it was a roleplay, it wasn't dangerous, it isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real. 

I've been weird since I left group today. I feel weak. (not in the demeaning sense of the word. I'm not judging myself here, I just feel weak).

I skyped with a friend while she did inktober and I did some watercolours. It grounded me a little.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Lady T. I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to plan for this. I hope she has a plan.

[Deep Blue]

Wow that's a hard day for sure.  I hope you are able to get a little relaxation this evening.

One of my friends did inktober too.  What a fun idea.  Since October is in full swing I will be doing some pumpkin sculpting soon.  It's the only time I really feel artistic 

Just sending you more support for tomorrow friend. 

[Sceal]

Thank you Deep Blue.
Although this day has been emotionally raw, challenging it has also been good. I can't quite write about why yet. But I am taking my win for today. It's enough right at this moment.

Pumpkin carving sounds like fun. I hope you get a good one this year

[sanmagic7]

 

i'm just glad you're here.  wanted you to know that.  love always, sweetie.

[Sceal]

  to you too San. I am very glad you are around as well!

Trigger warning
I read my journal. Lady T considered me suicidal a while back. I had no idea. I wonder what I have said to make her consider this. The way she phrased it made me think she believes this is a constant in my life, that there is a suicidal tendency just under the surface. I don't think I agree to this.
Life might be hard at times, painful and heartbreaking - but I don't want to die.
I can say that right now I honestly want to live.  And that feels good, strange but good.
I have some upcoming challenges I need to face, they will be hard. But I believe I can do it.

These days are so important. I know I've had them before, I know it's not many months ago where I felt I could take a bad period again and be fine. Right after I said that I fell head first to a near bottomless pit. I am still struggling, I'm still down in the pit. But today, at this moment I have hope.

Let's see if that is still there tomorrow

[Deep Blue]

Whose journal was it? Did lady T have you read her notes about you? 

I think you are doing the work and i agree that she may have been wrong in your assessment then.

On to bigger and better things 

[Three Roses]

I am taking my win for today. It's enough right at this moment.

[sanmagic7]

i'm loving this new belief in yourself, sceal.  it really shows the strength you have garnered for yourself over the past year.  i know that we'll still falter, slip, sometimes even fall, but we keep getting up again, and, to my mind, that counts for everything. 

i do hope your lady t has a transition plan in place for you, too.  having to let go of a good t can be very difficult.  such a big loss on so many levels.  it sounds like you're getting prepped well for it, tho, and i'm glad of that.  she's giving you plenty of time to get used to the idea, have conversations about it with her, and easing you into the change.  it might be a bit rocky for you for a while, but i have no doubt you'll come thru ok to the other side.

sending love and a warm, supportive hug, sweetie.

[Wattlebird]

Well sceal I've just caught up on your journal, so much has happened, your holiday sounds wonderful what an encouragement, then the disappointment of your lady t, what ups and downs you've had these past weeks
Just wanted to send some hugs 

[Sceal]

Whose journal was it? Did lady T have you read her notes about you? 

I think you are doing the work and i agree that she may have been wrong in your assessment then.

On to bigger and better things 

It's my medical journal. I can access it online. She doesn't know I have read them, but she knows I got access to them.

Haha, thank you three roses ❤️

Dear San, I trust her. I think she will find a solution that works well for me long term. I believe she listened when I told her what I feel and how I think about this.

Thank you so much for the hugs Wattlebird.  and than you for reading. I haven't been able to catch up on everyone yet. But I will. I promise.

---
Full on massive anxiety and flashback round during group today. I was stressed before going in. I tried to calm myself down. But I didn't get quite successful with that. I worked hard keeping my anxiety down and staying present. In the end it was too much. Lady T was there, she found me curled together in a corner on the floor. She coaxed me back. Tears and snot was running. I got to sit there for a while after group to gather my wits and get grounded. I was there for an extra hour with the nurse.

Mind and body is pretty knackered. I might call them tomorrow and ask if it's okay to take my anxiety medication. I know they aren't so fond of me taking them when I am in therapy due to reduced effect.. but me fading off /getting anxiety attack doesn't really help either.

My mood is okay though. I know why this happened today. Left over reaction from the last week and from Monday. New people, the group is too big for me now, poor sleep and inability to de-stress properly.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
Do you find it helps you to be able to trace the steps of what causes the anxiety attack.

I wish I could be there for you.  That panic attack sounded like a rough one hon.  I'm glad you were able to get grounded.  It's tough sometimes when the panic attack is that severe.  I would have just sat with you while you grounded.  I would just be near you but wouldn't bother you. 
Sending you so much love dearie 

[Sceal]

Deep Blue,
identifying the source of the problem is helpful during the buildup of my anxiety - because then I can try and use my brain to tell me that there is no threat to try and calm down my system. But it doesn't always work, most times it doesn't. I need help from others, I guess it's because I don't trust my own perception. And also because of that "but what if it IS real danger"-voice that screams louder than anything else.

Afterwards it helps me in the sense that I can try to learn from it. Like yesterday; We all know that when we don't get a good night sleep it really does affect us. All the reserch says it, and we all have felt it. "Waking up on the wrong side of the bed"-kind of thing. But often in society we don't allow that to be a good enough reason. But I know, that for me, when my sleep does get off for a few days I will spin out of control. I know this is a huge vulnerability for me. Time and time again I've experienced this, but it takes time to accept it. And I think I finally did. I think I also finally accepted that eventhough a situation might be over, and it has hope, and it might have a better outcome than I first feared, those reactions doesn't let go within me the moment the problem is solved. It stays within me for days, worst case weeks. And it makes my vulnerbility even higher when facing new situations.
Knowing all of this makes me not beat myself up too much in the aftermath of the lengthy anxiety attack, and the fact I couldn't complete group therapy properly. I didn't join the rest of the crowd to the gym. I intended too, but suddenly they were all gone and I was still crying and rocking, and being overwhelmed by sounds on the floor.  it has taken me a long time to get here, and alot of hard work to not beat myself up because I have an anxiety attack.

I feel sad about it, and I feel sad I might have affected other people's days negatively.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
I think I do the same to trace my steps to find out what caused the anxiety attack.  I think it is very important to resist the urge to beat ourselves up for having them.  It's hard but try not to worry about how it affects others.  They are on their own journeys and you are on yours.    take good care