cautious optimism... but

[jamesG.1]

well, last few days, after some bad final bumps from the meds, I have had the best couple of days so far.

It's going to be a mix, but I am certain that these are the factors.

1. Drug withdrawl. Goodbye lepraxo. Escitilopram, whatever the brand name may be this week. Awful at the end, a lifesaver at the beginning. The tapering is never taperey enough, and it's a ghastly journey, but I've done it, I got through and suddenly I feel like my old self. Maybe even better than that given what my old self was dealing with.

2. Accepting that I could and should rest and power down my head has been big. I think I finally got it this week. I've been terrified to take my foot off the accelerator because I fully expected the world to crash on my head if I did. But I've done my pushing, I've dug myself out and I'm safe, now I need calm and quiet and I am going to enforce that. I have been totally unable to relax since this all started for me, 7 years back. I felt that any time for me was fiddling whilke Rome burned and that was a state of mind reinforced constantly by those around me via guilt trips, threats and compromise. Getting them out of my head has been an epic battle. That's narcissistic abuse for you, most of it happens when they aren't even there.

3. Accepting that my ex is no victim. My ex partner was an alcoholic, controlling, financially abusive and misguided. Yes there are mitigating circumstances as to how she got there, but that only goes so far. I am a hugely compassionate person and I would have given her everything to help her recover her descent, but she didn't want that. She chose to decline, and she enforced a horrendous nightmare on me when she chose to pull me over the ledge with her. She did me a mass of harm and there is no excuse. The solutions were there just inches away but she chose to dismiss them. She had the money, the time, the support, but she had a death wish and felt she had a personal philosophy that trumped normal accepted norms. She chose all this, I didn't. I have let go of any of the shame and guilt so typical for partners of alcoholics who chose to escape and save themselves. There is a limit, and I reached mine.

4. C-PTSD is normal.
yup, you heard me. This is normal. It's normal to feel this way, to suffer so much and to struggle. Why? Well because it is the way the body deals with abnormality. Our reaction isnt wrong, the cause is wrong. It's so easy to feel a mess, that your life is a car crash and you re destined to fail.

you are not

so onwards and upwards, life is for living.

[Blueberry]

Sounds good james! I'm really happy for you. Thanks for the uplifting post too!

I'm still struggling with number 3. (FOO abusers). It's good to read how you made it.

[Contessa]

Nice one James G

Good riddence to lexapro, relaxing and chilling a must - you definitely deserve that, compassion is a rare quality to retain, and well put!; the cause being wrong, not our reaction.

Yes yes yes! Caution is a must, but i'm glad there is room for that 'but'. There needs to be