Issues with Over/Under Eating - Part 2 (Locked)

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi blueberry
Yes they are a definate ground for trigger as is any social group / people environment. Generally I feel very safe and have my social contacts there to practice being a person amongst persons. I love feeling part of ..
it's the only place I learn how to be sober and abstinent and access my 'inner stuff' which is painful yet what I need to grow..
I understand ... 12 step is not a choosing for all and it's wonderful that in our societies we have so many options and supports .
Blessings

[Kizzie]

Here's an article by Sonia Connolly (very compassionate, articulate somatic practitioner and author) that I enjoyed on the topic of eating and body acceptance - http://traumahealed.com/articles/embody-hunger-embody-fullness/

[Blueberry]

Wow, that's a great article with lots of easy to implement ideas on looking at the issue. Thanks for finding and linking, Kizzie! 

[Kizzie]

I really like Sonia's articles, she is such a compassionate person with lots of ideas on how to deal with various aspects of trauma in a positive way. 

BB, I still think about what you said  earlier in this thread about how you gained weight to fill up more space, to be more visible.  It's not something I feel is at the root of my overeating, but I watch a show called My Big Fat Fabulous Life (US reality show) and the woman it follows often makes me think of what you said.  I also think about Elphanigh she wants to take up less space and be less visible and so I think this may be an important aspect of eating issues to continue to explore.

[Blueberry]

I used not to want to exist and although I really ate quite a lot my body didn't seem to absorb the nutrients or energy much. I was diagnosed 'anorexic w/o significant weight loss'.

Maybe I'll look up that show, maybe not, as I can feel shame beginning to come. Feeling shame for taking up space.

[Kizzie]

Whitney the star of the show is unbashed in her support of living a joyous, positive life at any size so it may be a positive experience to look into the show I don't know. 

She's funny and warm and honest and articulate.  She's also a dance instructor and runs a class for plus size people so she is not letting her weight slow her down.

Anyway, when I think of you saying you wanted to take up more space, I think this may be true for her as well.  She absolutely owns that space though and has this attitude of "I am who I am and if you don't like it, oh well"  (in a humorous versus combative way which is why I like the show so much).   

[Kizzie]

A thought-provoking series of articles about "unruly bodies" - https://medium.com/s/unrulybodies/the-body-is-unruly-15fa352904cf.  Reassuring to me to know there are others out there having conversations about trauma,  eating comorbidities, and what it means to be human. 

[Kizzie]

An article from Psych Central about CPTSD and eating issues - https://psychcentral.com/lib/c-ptsd-and-eating-disorders/?li_source=LI&li_medium=popular17.

[Blueberry]

Today I thought to myself as I lay in bed "It's really time I stopped this body-spread". Then I remained in bed for a further few hours. When I'm in bed I'm "safe" from eating. Unfortunately I don't do anything constructive either. Today isn't a day when remaining in bed resting is necessary.

Ha! "It's really time" is a "should" statement so it's going to backfire. I would have to get to the point where i say "I want to stop this body-spread!" But that's not where I am. In fact, the brain fog is moving in rn so obviously time I left this topic and went off to get back in my physical body. Listen to and move to music a bit, maybe?

[Sceal]

I think you are quite good at listening to yourself, Blueberry. Listening to the way you're talking to yourself. I agree with you that "should"-statements are rarely good for anything, and can more often than not be more damaging. At least, it's been so for me.


I've struggled with food lately. Ever since the funeral I've not had any energy to cook proper meals, so I've just had pre-made microwave stuff or pizza. I've been trying to figure out a schedule for myself - rather a what will be my second priority after therapy: Food? Excersise? Art? Because, I've come to realize that I really don't have the capacity for all of them. Despite having so much time on my hands! I am struggling with choosing to work with food - I really want to not care about it, just not focus on it at all. And somehow hope that magically by de-stressing about it it'll get fixed. Although, that's not how it works.

[Blueberry]

I think you are quite good at listening to yourself, Blueberry. Listening to the way you're talking to yourself.

Thank you  It works particularly well on here which is one reason I'm such a prolific poster 

_________________________

My final meal today consisted of cheese which is one of my comfort foods. Afterwards I wanted to keep going with anything containing sugar.

Instead I did manage to ask myself what was up. "Lonely" came the answer. Hm. It was a bit late to phone a friend though I did consider one particular friend. Then thought: "No." Because I didn't want to have to deal with anybody else's problems this evening or even anybody else yacketing on or trying to analyse me etc. Which all means I probably would have had to set limits. I didn't want to have to deal with anything like that on top of everything else today.

I went through with a seemingly unrelated EFT sentence "I love and accept myself even though I'm making progress". The lonely feeling disappeared immediately! A feeling of hurt came instead but that makes a lot more sense for today (because of FOO flying monkeys yesterday and a bunch of further realisations about FOO). It feels much better to access the real feeling, so that I take appropriate action for it. It wouldn't have helped to phone somebody so as not to feel lonely when the real feeling was hurt. Maybe there's some sort of loneliness in there, but if there is I'm sure it's to do with continued realisations that I have a FOO in name only. Hurt at the alone feeling of some Inners rather than Adult me. Not to be alleviated by chatting with somebody. Much better to write it on here. Thank Heaven for this forum - not for the first time.

[Elphanigh]

Haven't posted here in a long while but I am noticing the mental draw to under eating again. I am a "good" size by a societal standard I think. 5'9" and under 150pnds which is in theory a healthy place for me. I grew up underweight because my metabolism was so fast. No matter how much or how little I ate my body never retained anymore until the last two years or so.

I can still eat pretty awfully without any big change (I do know I am lucky here but it has presented its own issues in my life)

However, I note the fact I can't look in a mirror and be happy anymore. Like the "womanly" weight I have put on as I am entering my mid 20s is unappealing and shameful. That I should still be thinner and more atheletic looking with less noticeable curves.

It tempts me to not eat as much, or to really limit my calories or junk food. Not in a healthy kind of way. I have been down thst road and I  would drop the inches I feel like I need to but in a way that I would go back to forgetting to eat, or ignoring any time I feel hungry.

Trying to figure out why this is happening again is difficult. Honestly I think that I am working so hard to impress people at my new job, in my life in general, and even in the yoga studio sometimes because of my want to take the training course. I am focusing all of that need to be perfect or just right onto my poor body... so I can't accept compliments on my looks right now and only hear the voice in my head that tells me they sre just being nice...

Anyways. I needed to be honest about the fact I am struggling with these thoughts and figured this was a good thread to put it in. My figure was too much a part of my perfectionism, and too much a part of my abuse that these things happen still.

[Blueberry]

In some of my recovery I've been looking at what else my body can do, other than 'be fat' or not. i.e. what else is my body good for? i've thought about that again recently as I cycle my 14 km to work 1-2 times a week and then cycle same distance home again.

Problems I'm having with cycling i.e. numbness may become the tipping point for me. I had an ergonomics saddle appointment at a bike shop recently and the results made sense. The new saddle I have should ease up on the numbness problems but it hasn't. It has improved the feeling of my lower vertebrae being compressed    but that I hadn't even mentioned to the saddle expert. And it has also got rid of another small physical problem I did mention  I can go back to the shop again and try out another saddle and I will undoubtedly. But I also did some research yesterday and one article did mention body weight pushing down on certain body parts being a contributory factor. That would explain the problem steadily getting worse over the past few years... and not originally being there or not noticeable anyway when I first bought my current bike. I think the feeling of my lower vertebrae being compressed might have been there from the beginning. But with the numbness I wasn't even noticing that anymore, just its absence now.

Yeah well, this could be the tipping point that 1) no 'dire warnings' from FOO in the past or in the media now ("you'll get diabetes", "you'll have a heart attack"...) or 2) shaming from FOO or society at large could do. Because I know I have to really want to get my weight and over-eating and eating non-nutritionally under control for myself. Even 'wanting' to remain physically fit enough to keep up with my godson when hiking, especially uphill, or just general running around wasn't enough. I realise now that that is because that so-called want was actually a 'should' and based on feeling shame about not being able to keep up.

But now it's different. I've cycled almost all my life, it's not something I can even imagine not doing. Not only do I enjoy it (when not numb) but it's also my main way of getting around. I really don't want to have to go everywhere by bus. It's easier on the uphills, but it's not particularly enjoyable. I don't drive and that's not going to change for a myriad of reasons. Cycling is almost part of my soul. So yeah, could be tipping point.

[Kizzie]

Hey Sceal and Elph - how are you both managing now?

BB, sorry to hear about the numbness issue    What about one of those recumbent bikes if a standard one does become out of the question for you? 

We are still under evacuation alert from two wild fires burning near us (five weeks now), and a couple of days ago one moved quite close - put on quite the show for the village for three nights. My H was away the first night we started seeing the fire move closer (ironically he was deployed to the emergency ops centre for the province that deals with wild fires).  Anyway, being alone did not help obviously and right away I started having really strong cravings for salty and sugary snacks which says a lot about stress, anxiety, trauma, the need for comfort/numbing and eating issues.  We really do need to understand why we have eating issues, be kinder to ourselves and work on relieving/dealing with  the trauma. 

[Elphanigh]

Hi Kizzie,

I have been eating a bit better lately. Still struggling with eating as often as I should, but as long as it is relatively healthy my inner voices aren't telling me I shouldn't. It does mean my cravings for junk food have been met with some harsh lashing from the other side. It makes this really difficult back and forth in my head. I am also trying to spend less time in the mirror, because I have been body shaming every time I see it no matter what type of clothes I am wearing.  Think this is part of my "not good enough" narrative again. I am supposed to be digging into it some soon, so we will see if maybe it helps me shift this. For now I am decent at ensuring I work past these thoughts to eat properly