Issues with Over/Under Eating - Part 2 (Locked)

[Blueberry]

Thanks Elpha! One of the really positive things about it is that it's different from anyway I have previously work on eating issues. I don't think my present T lists eating disorders as one of his specialisations. I know in addition to cptsd, he does anxiety, but as I say I don't think eating disorders. But it seems not to matter. He's worked with me long enough to know how to approach the topic with me in a way that can help.

Today I decided to weigh myself to have on record what that is at the beginning of this mindfulness. I hadn't weighed myself for a long time and was estimating my weight before I hopped on the scales. My weight has remained constant. I can't believe it but it's true. The estimate I made is over 20 kg too much  I'm definitely rounder than last time I weighed myself, no question about that, but no change in weight. I feel happy about this.

[Blueberry]

Last night I ate things I shouldn't have and in a quantity I shouldn't have either. I didn't write about it (my T homework) though I "should have". I know my T will take a detached slightly intrigued view of the matter and none of what I heard in the past like "What could you have done to prevent yourself doing this relapse?" Because the answer to that is "I did it on purpose. I didn't want to prevent myself at the time." Self-sabotaging. Undoubtedly some relapsing because of my taking steps forward with FOO. It was very daring of me to confront enF and set a limit. It will come across to him as criticism which he won't take kindly to. My FOO doesn't 'do' criticism, except of others of course.

I do have some food allergies but I didn't eat any allergens. Still my body came over all itchy all of a sudden as if I was having an allergic reaction. Allergic to FOO? Recently in therapy I had a more severe allergic reaction in my throat and mouth when we were working on something to do with M. I mentioned to my T that I seemed to be allergic to her. (My food allergies are affected by how stable I am. I didn't have them as a child and they do seem to be part of my eating disorder in that they are psychosomatic symptoms.)

[Kizzie]

Allergic to FOO, yup that sounds about right - sorry to hear that's one of your reactions BB. 

It just reiterates for me how deeply embedded trauma is in the whole of our being and why it's so difficult to rise up out of that (i.e., when even our bodies keep fighting to prevent us from seeing/feeling the difficult truths). 

Maybe you chose to eat because you needed comfort and (like me) haven't quite figured out how to give/find that for yourself in other ways?  It is a BIG issue you're are tackling afterall. 

[Sceal]

Lady T told me last week that when as a child you're not being taken seriously, or being listened to and comforted when you fall, when you hurt, when you're in pain either physically, emotionally, socially or all of them mixed together, then the child will lack in knowledge of how to comfort him or herself, or learn how to deal with emotions in a constructive and helpful manner.
could perhaps this be some of the reason why you (we?) eat for comfort, because, like Kizzie says, haven't figured out how else to get it?

[Blueberry]

I guess so Sceal and Kizzie. BUT I have done a lot of work in the past on finding other ways to get comfort including giving comfort to Inner Children or doing things for them. I just want to avoid that all atm, just run

You're right Kizzie, it is a BIG issue I'm onto now. I think actually that I'm not doing too badly in general considering.

Re: eating issues - my T isn't judgemental so I could write down what I felt and didn't feel while eating things I shouldn't have even bought in quantities that weren't beneficial either. It's a chance to really look at the issue when it's there, rather than when I was being 'good' and mindful and so on. Because I know those phases don't last. I always end up back in my addiction.

[Sceal]

Tomorrow I got an appointment with the local center for eating disorder. My first meeting with them.
I'm very proud that I managed to take the step and contact them, it's taken me about a year daring to (I only found out about them a year ago I think).
But now that I'm having such major therapy-hangovers I am hoping this wont just continue to put more sadness, guilt and fear into me.

[Blueberry]

Hey Sceal, you took the step of contacting them 

As for therapy-hangover, you're not alone with that. I find it's been a delicate balance for years on moving forward but not burdening myself with too much, not allowing too much stuff to come up. 

[Kizzie]

You should be proud Sceal, I hope it goes well

[Sceal]

Thank you both for the support! I know you know this stuff is hard 

[Elphanigh]

Sceal that is a great step! I really hope it helps 


I have fallen back into not eating the last two days. I might have had like 500 calories in the last 48 hours and they were not healthy ones. That being said I have dinner sitting in front of me and am slowly working on it.

I forget to eat or food sounds repulsive a lot of times. Any sort of trigger really digs up my old eating problems and makes them my reality again. Not as extreme but it exists. I am trying to be better but it is hard. I think part of it is a control thing. In the chaos food and my body is something I can control when the rest of me feels like I can't stop spinning.

Probably also a self hate thing. It is a punishment of sorts for failing to be stronger or failing to be healthy. Like I failed to cut this trigger short before it happened, and I am angry and upset at myself so food automatically is something that stops happening in my life.

Hope all this makes sense. I just needed to be honest about the issue and that I am trying to get better

[Blueberry]

makes sense to me. I also understand the need to be honest and document it somewhere.

It's the same for me, I've jsut been documenting other stuff. My eating habits are none too good atm either.  I just go the other way these days and eat too much and not much is healthy. Though I have some more fur babies to stay and that helps me eat healthily.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I am glad you understand the need to document it somewhere. Being honest about it is cleansing in its own way. Both sides of this coin are difficult but I know we will manage. So glad to hear you have more fur babies to stay with you. I am also so grateful for my own fur babies.

[Blueberry]

I'm not doing my T homework on eating disorder. I am doing better today, but I have the feeling that one little bit of forcing myself to do anything and everything's going to come tumbling down. I know a number of months ago I felt I would'nt be able to look at eating disorder without being in inpatient T. Maybe it is too early? Or maybe in a few days I'll be back at my homework. I have just under 10 days till next T appointment.

[Blueberry]

Yesterday and today I've been back writing about my emotions around eating. I also had a bit of a breakthrough, realising exactly which inner child is reacting in a particular situation. I worked with her directly which translates into being very mindful while eating a small amount, seeing how she reacted and acting accordingly, which meant stop eating that item.

After discussing with self in writing, I even threw it out but then IC was not happy. The reason: she wanted to be involved in throwing it out. So this means I need to be very mindful and very present in my own body as I go through steps so that I can involve an IC. It's as if IC needs to feel it in her body too, viscerally, and for that I need to be very aware and picturing IC in my mind, picturing her reactions and asking for her input. I know it sounds weird, but it's just a tool to healing. I'm not splitting up into separate parts or anything.

Mindfulness is key and I may need to repeat the procedure with a few different foodstuffs I tend to crave.

[Blueberry]

An interesting revelation today: the impulse was to buy some addictive food this evening. Had I bought something, I would've eaten it too but the underlying issue: buying. I didn't care what - sweet, salty whatever.

I refrained from buying, so I then didn't eat a bunch of junk either.