Issues with Over/Under Eating - Part 2 (Locked)

[Kizzie]

Yay BB    I think when something is as deeply embedded in us as eating/not eating as a response to trauma we need to celebrate any positive changes and not shame ourselves when we engage in old ones.   

My H and I just joined WW online and honestly that's about all we've done so far but it's a small step and that's OK.  I know from my reaction that I really am afraid of losing a big source of comfort, but I also want to be healthier, feel better and not be tied to this trauma response for the rest of my life.

[Three Roses]

My H and I just joined WW online and honestly that's about all we've done so far but it's a small step and that's OK. 

[Kizzie]

Tks TR! (Now we just have to get going in the program  )

[Elphanigh]

Haven't been here in a while. After my trip with my family, I am back on my feel like I need to lose weight kick. I am never happy with my weight but normally I have the desire to lose weight/be smaller etc.. under better wraps. My need to do so is making all food sound awful, and the thought of eating any junk food whatsoever a bad one..

I know that can sound like a good problem to have, I have had many people minimize it in my life. However, it leads down a long spiral of not eating, and obsessively exercising/ weighing myself.

My family is all over weight, with very few exceptions on both sides. Me and my B are the most obvious exceptions.. Part of that is my life style, and part of it is truly not wanting to be like my family. It drove a lot of my eating disorder when I was younger. It was something I could control, and one more thing that kept me from growing up to be my parents... Was my way of making sure I was not part of their dysfunction.

So seeing them has spiked this in me. I am by all standards healthy, a size 6 or 7, that weighs a normal amount for my tall ish height. I exercise during the week, eat healthy food, and don't binge eat. So I should be happy, and should not want to lose weight... but seeing my family.. knowing I have put on weight since I left college and that even this little bit brings me closer to them is hard.

I worked hard today to eat a bowl of soup for lunch. Otherwise I haven't had anything and needed to come here to remind myself to be accountable to this. No one else will or can be for me.

[Kizzie]

Oh dear Elph, family for us can be so triggering can't they!?      

I realized when I was reading your post how much shame and fear I too have about becoming like my family, more though in terms of personality and character, but it has driven me to basically do the opposite of whatever they do so I can say to myself "I am NOT like them!" 

What I am discovering is I really am not like them and will not ever become them. Perhaps if you post about how you are not like them maybe that will begin to stem some of your fear and in turn reduce the need to forego food?  Just a thought FWIW.

[Elphanigh]

Kizzie, family really can be 

I am glad I am not the only one, I have spent a lot of my life doing things the opposite of them. In character as well, this physical aspect also helped for me at that time to separate further. I did write in my journal this morning some stuff regarding how my M contributed to my eating disorder, including forcing me to drink chicken broth when she didn't believe I was eating or was lying to her about how much I ate.. (that was pre my ed getting bad)...

I think you are correct about posting how I am not like my family. It might help. Will put a little here and then work on it in my journal or elsewhere.
I am more open minded and truly kind than my FOO. I am self aware, and observant which is the opposite of them. I know how to feel my anger and not lash out in a toxic way. I am not manipulative of self centered like them. I do genuinely care for others regardless of what that does for me. I care for the sake of caring. I have worked on my traumas and work to better myself every day, they don't do that.

[Kizzie]

I am more open minded and truly kind than my FOO. I am self aware, and observant which is the opposite of them. I know how to feel my anger and not lash out in a toxic way. I am not manipulative of self centered like them. I do genuinely care for others regardless of what that does for me. I care for the sake of caring. I have worked on my traumas and work to better myself every day, they don't do that.

So lovely to read this Elph     and   

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Kizzie  I need to write this down and put it somewhere I can read it every day as a reminder to myself.

[Kizzie]

Good idea!  Maybe print it out in a bigger font than normal too 

[Kizzie]

We're onto Page 5 again so I'm going to lock this and start a Part 3.