When your container gets confused

[wonderbumble]

(Note: In-depth discussion of dissociation, depression, abuse)

The basics: Humans are social creatures, and our bodies ("containers" ) like affection. Emotional, mental, and physical security/attention/affection really jive with us.

It's really interesting when those basics intersect with dissociation/trauma, and suddenly those things are "dangerous" and terrifying.

My depression started at 7, and my dissociation started around age 9 when my dad's emotional abuse and OCD really kicked up. Before the point of age 7, the abuse was mostly occasional rumblings, not much more. It had been a relatively average household in terms of physical affection and emotional support. Those good things were majorly from my mom, but nonetheless, it was nothing like it is now. After I turned 7, those basic elements of security and affection became less, then entirely disappeared by the time I was 9.

Then the social isolation started. Friends got sick of his BS, then stopped talking to us. He made it as hard as possible to find new friends and allies. We can't have anyone in the house because of the state it's in (it's practically unlivable). Our family is gone. He makes it as hard as possible for us to find and keep work. And within the circle of the three of us, my dad only touches us to hand us the $40 we're allotted each week for things we need. My mom and I are alienated from each other as much as we both are from him.

In 2016, I gave in and started Wellbutrin. It has flipped the way my brain functions for the better; I'm functional and much healthier. I can feel my limbs now; reality seems real; *I* seem mostly real; I can also experience a typical range of emotions. However, there are "glitches" left over.

The main glitch is related to touch: If someone touches me anywhere in a friendly way, regardless if I want it to happen (whether it be handshake, poke, or hug), I feel a dull electric shock. It runs from the place I was touched to the core of my spine. Sometimes it just feels like a hot wire and not a shock. Sometimes I get nauseous. If my boyfriend and I (who is heart-eyed over me and I over him) try to go further than making out, roughly the same stuff happens. Then, in all circumstances, I start to dissociate.

My boyfriend is working with me; my mom takes it personally and has resorted to casually hoarding pets. She doesn't fully understand/retain how physically-based my hangups are with this, because for her it's confusing that I can manage some intimacy outside of family but not within it. (Take this: I told her it was necessary to rehome some of the pets a few years ago--she told me to move out. Clearly, despite our connection, they are more useful.)

I'm a bubbly person! I'm goofy (I have googly eyes stuck on my laptop)! I like hugs! I like having feelings! I like being human after 8 years of not feeling my body or emotions! Thus, this is horribly frustrating and heartbreaking. I don't even know how to ask a question from it--I'm just sharing my story at this point.

Have you/do you guys relate to this? What do you think? 

[DecimalRocket]

I can relate somewhat.

I'm not as bubbly or as cuddly as you are, but I often do have some element of friendliness with others. Less of a talented charm, and more of a lovable nerd, who tends to get shy at getting a bit too excitable about learning things sometimes. I'd prefer something cooler, but oh well. 

I'm sensitive to touch too. Touch makes me nervous, makes me feel vulnerable, or in danger. I don't mean the type of intimate touch people have, but more of even subtle touch like a pat on the shoulder for my attention. I didn't have outright physical abuse, at least most of the time, but the  touches I had was . . . manipulative.

The few times touch felt good like a hug from a friend, I didn't realize how much I needed it. I calm down somehow, and it's strange that my emotional neglect was also a neglect of physical affection in a way. When I feel like I don't have the words to explain myself, at least touch could still allow me to connect.

It gets better over time as I get used to it with exposure really. I guess the only thing I could do about it is to give it patience, time and self compassion. Over and over.