Life after meds, nearly

[jamesG.1]

So... updates on the journey with the meds and the rest of my life generally.

Typically Escitalopram (Lepraxo) is supposed to have a half-life of 4 weeks but in many cases, me included, this goes on longer. Brain zaps are down now, but still present, but the worst of that is over. Definite increase in cognitive function but not at the leap I was hoping for, still a slow recovery but at least it is there.

Still getting energy drops tho, and I can definitely feel pressure in the pre-frontal cortex, behind the forehead, which is where C-PTSD has done it's best to mangle my mind. For those of you new to this, PTSD shrinks the prefrontal cortex, which is a shame, because that's the reasoning part of the brain, sort of like the one guy on a hike who insists we take another look at the map when things look dodgy. It also enlarges the Amygdala and Hypothalamus, which is like the two old people on a hike who think they are lost all the time and panic endlessly about bears, the cast of deliverance and insect bites. As you recover, the prefrontal cortex recovers through a process called neuroplasticity, gradually coming back to its old size and chemistry and putting the rest of the brain in order.

I swear I can feel that happening. I have, not so many headaches, as tension all across the front of my brain and I've noticed how it increases as my mood dips or as I try harder cognitive tasks and my frustration grows when I struggle with them. I have also seen a pattern where dehydration feeds the dips, so I'm guessing that any reduction in hydration levels will shrink the brain and aggravate recovery. I'm now testing more frequent drinking of water and am starting to avoid excessive tea, alcohol or any other intake that encourages fluid loss.

Alcohol tolerance post meds is definitely better, but this led to me being a little too carefree with my intake. I notice that it takes a few days to hit back, but it definitely does. Am limiting it now to social events where I can and trying to avoid anything too strong. One thing I'm sure of is that red wine is an absolute pig. White wine seems fine but the weaker beers are best of all. Lightens the mood, but stops the brain from suffering excessively. It's a fine balance. The social aspect is very healing right now and I've finally got some real proper friends around me who understand what I'm coping with and who believe in me. This has been sadly lacking for the last 2 years and led to excessive reclusiveness in me. That's really lifted now.

Filling the evenings is a big challenge. 6 - 8 pm is a definite danger zone. My mood really starts to dip when my work is done and I find myself either craving alcohol or carrying on with work. This is bad for recovery both ways and finding solutions to this is hard. During the lead up to my illness, the evenings were dominated by my partner's decline and as things worsened, TV, meeting friends, chilling out, exercise... the whole range of things that I'd do for fun were knocked down one by one. Getting a new pattern to stick is hard.I literally don't know how to relax. Working hard with friends and my counsellor to address this tho.

I'm really waiting on my head to clear enough to start writing again, partly for fun and relaxation, tho it can be hard, but more because it also feeds into my income. Amazingly, considering how bad I was on the meds, I've succeeded in teaching myself a lot about marketing my books, and all I need to let rip is the conjunction of my income and time. Deep in work right now, however, and I'm about a month off getting paid, so I have to be patient and ride it out.

Painting has been good tho, I've done 7 canvases now and apart from the mess of the thing, the effect on my head is good. I do think a whole lot less while I'm doing it, all of which takes the pressure of the prefrontal cortex and lets it recover. They've gone down well with people so I'm looking at building up a collection of 50 or so over the next year and pushing for exhibitions.

One big deal over the last week has been the appearance of a peregrine falcon on the church tower opposite. They nest nearby and I can see them very close up hunting, eating the results and generally looking magnificent, all visible from my desk. I got a real thrill from that and it reawakened a side myself from way back, when I was untouched by all this. I think this ties into my landscape paintings and being here in Wales which is just plain beautiful. It's therapy.

The big challenges for me now all lay around income and work. My business partner is out of the picture soon, which will make a huge difference, and I'm waiting to see what work may or may not follow on from the regular clients in the meantime. It's all a bit up in the air but my stamina is returning enough for me to feel that I can take on other projects down the line. I'm also raiding my back catalogue to see how I can use it to create passive income.

It's a tricky manoeuvre all this. Yes, you come out of C-PTSD, but you can't come out to immediate happiness. Once you emerge you still have the trauma to reconcile, it's just that the side effects are lessened and the really extreme emotions and physical signs and replaced by plain old depression and sadness. That's not as disappointing as it sounds, it would be absurd to have it not be that way if you think about it, it's just that you are seeing events without the severe lens of C-PTSD between you and an objective view of events.

My trauma was all about multiple people behaving selfishly, malignantly and irrationally over a very extended period, it swamped my optimism, my hope and my levity. I was outnumbered, bullied used and then abandoned, it certainly damaged my health, it nearly cost me my life.

But it's over now. Now it's all about making sure I protect myself from any new traumas and complications as well as being open enough to love, live and trust... with the right people. The world is not full of monsters, it is so easy to feel that way, but it's wrong. We were unlucky, yes, but we were not fated, cursed or punished, we just stepped out into the traffic on the wrong day.

But there are so many lessons for us in all this, wisdom that can only come from experience and the sharp end of human nature. I encourage you all to read all you can, understand as much as you can and then, once the trauma is understood, look for the staircase out of the cellar. 80% of the abuse we have suffered was not even happening with our abusers present, most of it was the anticipation of what they could do, which of course is the way a narcissist gets what they want. Defeat the abuse in your own head, and you defeat the abuser. But it takes work, tough tough work. The last two years has been like picking through the aftermath of an air crash. Seriously grim, sad and painful... but it HAD TO BE DONE.

At times it will feel like it will never lift, that it's how the future will be, will always be. But it isn't. Those around you, if they are true supporters, will be able to see the changes better than you. Keep on pointing ahead with your head down and in time, your head will be high again.

What has been done to us all is unforgivable, just plain wrong by any metric of decency and fairness. That's the truth. It musn't become the frame in which we exist. Turn it round in your mind and make the recovery a defining moment.

From pain... comes strength.