Work Pressure

[samantha19]

I've been really struggling with work (in a new job), especially the past week or two.
I ended up crying a lot in the toilet yesterday and not being able to stop for close to an hour. This ended with me finally being able to leave composed enough to say I'd taken unwell and had to go home.
I've took today off and I'm considering taking the next day off too as it's the last day before the weekend so might as well make it a full break until Monday maybe? But I'm not sure. I feel like I should be trying my best. Minimising the harm of my absence to the company (especially as small company), but I need to get better too.

My stress just got way too much.
I've started to feel like maybe I should just give up on this job. But there's benefits too - having money, not having gaps in employment. Idk. But how worth it is that if my mental health is reaching danger level and I'm pushing myself to breaking point? Not sure that it's very worth it at all.

I can identify clear causes of the stress. It's the feeling that I'm not producing work "fast enough." This is exhaserbated by my lack of communication on this. I act like I'm doing fine when really I'm rushing things, maybe falling behind, maybe even avoiding asking for help sometimes which impacts too. Like I'm not doing fine. But I feel like admitting to what feels like failure isn't an option so I almost push it aside. No, I must just get this done. No other choice.
It's also made worse by the fact I am asked to give estimates on my time and I usually say "yes I'm sure that will be done." The issue is I'm new to this level of working - it's new for me to be giving time estimates and things. It's new for me to be working so independently as I am as well.
I realise that with estimating time I want to say yes, I doubt myself when I realise something will take longer - think it's my weakness and not just the nature of the task (I really do think I'm incorrect in thinking this but I keep doing it anyway). I'm also way too optimistic. I've been estimating on the basis of everything going smoothly and total utilisation - also, there are things I don't consider as potential issues due to my lack of experience with this technology. Then those things trip me up and I'm like ah, time to panic (: (: 
I know that it's probably smart to raise this - say to my boss - hey I've been struggling with estimating my time on tasks because of x,y,z. And maybe have a discussion out of it. Cause I'm worried and I know they rely on my estimations for tasks being complete to understand where they're at, where the projects at. It matters I'm sure, or why would they ask? And it's causing me a lot of stress to feel like I'm screwing this up time and time again. Ugh

I just struggle with talking about anything when I don't h a v e to. And I feel like obviously it's not what my boss wants to hear. But maybe they'd rather I was more open and transparent. Instead of them seeing the dips in my productivity but not having clear communication from me to know what the issue is and what it is that needs to be worked on or worked around with me.

I feel like giving up right now might be a form of social avoidance and I don't wanna do that right now. It's just a step back.

Taking the day off and sleeping in a bit (I was overtired) and just not being directly faced with stress has helped a bit I think. Things really aren't great but the absolute terror and darkness has faded.

Either way, this is a wake-up call.
I've purchased therapy even though it's bloody expensive and I'm currently living in my overdraft with uncertain job security (:
I keep making excuses to do with money about therapy but I find a way to still buy other things I don't need that don't really help me so much.
Whatever. I'm done not making my mental health a priority because it is screwing with everything!! This hasn't been a week or a month or a year,  it's been the majority of my life I've been suffering and suffering badly. It's causing clear problems in my life and I can't be bothered with that anymore!
I need to throw everything I can at it and getting better from this, because otherwise its stealing years of my life and taking everything down with it (at least it feels that way). I'm bloody sick of that.
I'm not so in denial about it anymore.
I came here looking for advice but it's really just a rant lol.
My main issue is I'm scared I'll go back to work and not change anything and just end up in the same situation again potentially leading to being let go. Idk. Will see how it goes. I'm terrified to go back and so uncomfortable after locking myself in the (only female) toilet for like an hour crying. That was deeply unpleasant and I never wanna deal with that again.
Ugh.

These aren't my only worries. My IC has been big recently and I never really noticed cause I believe in the things being "said." I'm too quiet etc. It's "bad." I should be friendly and likeable and amazing and efficient and a great communicator, smart, etc etc etc.
I've been piling pressure on myself to be this ultra amazing person and idk how to stop.

(: (: (:

[Blueberry]

I hear you! A lot sounds quite similar to problems I have with working as well. Also these questions like: should I give up for my health? or stick it out for the money? etc.

I don't usually even really have answers for myself far less anybody else.

I often find when I write a whole load here (you call it a 'rant') that formulating it all helps me understand myself and my position better, and often I find part of my own solution - at least the next mini-step forwards - while I'm about it. Maybe that'll work for you.

Good rest to you today!