Tk you again everyone, you are truly the best.

I had this epiphany of sorts yesterday that I can't live
in the fear any more, I need to live
with the fear as best I can (if that makes sense). I found myself saying that what will be will be and I will deal with it whatever comes my way. I always find it difficult to capture how this kind of thing feels internally but it is as if more of me is working together to get through this. Younger me seems to be okay this time, there's no sobbing in the background, or even the kind of very primal fear like there used to be when it felt like bad things just kept happening to her. My fear feels more mature, normal, healthy even.
A large part of being better able to cope is feeling cared for here and that I matter. I will be taking you all with me on Monday and holding you close until I find out the results.
KIzzie