Cancer

[Kizzie]

Tk you again everyone, you are truly the best.

I had this epiphany of sorts yesterday that I can't live in the fear any more, I need to live with the fear as best I can (if that makes sense). I found myself saying that what will be will be and I will deal with it whatever comes my way. I always find it difficult to capture how this kind of thing feels internally but it is as if more of me is working together to get through this.  Younger me seems to be okay this time, there's no sobbing in the background, or even the kind of very primal fear like there used to be when it felt like bad things just kept happening to her.  My fear feels more mature, normal, healthy even. 

A large part of being better able to cope is feeling cared for here and that I matter.  I will be taking you all with me on Monday and holding you close until I find out the results.    

KIzzie

[Deep Blue]

We love you Kizzie

[Elphanigh]

It is so great that you are having that sort of epiphany with all of this. We will all be there with you  sending hugs for you and little you, even those she is doing better this round

[alliematt]

I'm there right now.  My thoughts are with you.  As an old Tom Petty song says, the waiting is the hardest part.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, no words. Just hugs.

[Jdog]

I'm so sorry you are going through this scare, Kizzie.  I am sending love and much support from here.

Take good care of yourself.

[Rainagain]

You are so right kizzie,
Its about living with the fear and not living in fear.
I'm thinking of you, sending a hug too

[Blueberry]

Wow, what an epiphany! Living with the fear and not in it. It's a powerful image. "In it" - Little you is surrounded and overpowered. "With it" - Adult you is somewhat detached and can pull through and out of the fear. There's more than just fear on the horizon and you can pull Little you a bit out of the fear too.   

Wishing you tons of strength for Mon.

[radical]

Like others in this community, I'll be with you in spirit on Monday (or tuesday where I am.
It must be tough getting through the weekend waiting.
sending love across the ocean.

[Contessa]

Kizzie,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this again. I can't offer anything more than my support for you here, and add my little bit of muscle to this determined pile of strength. Though you are a tough woman to begin with.
Xo

[sanmagic7]

we'll be with you tomorrow - glad you're taking us along.  it helped me to do just that when i left mexico.  gave me more strength than i could've mustered on my own.

great epiphany.  'with' instead of 'in' the fear - empowering change of perspective.  hoping for the best.  love and hugs, kizzie.

[Blueberry]

Wishing you all the very best for today, Kizzie! We're all with you! 

[Deep Blue]

Holding hands with you in the waiting room.    

[Elphanigh]

Sending you lots of love and courage  With you all the way, Kizzzie

[Kizzie]

Well II loaded you all onto a bus this morning and off we went to the hospital     Tk you all for coming with me   

It was a thorough exam with 3 more XRays and an ultra sound on both sides.  That is concerning on the one hand (there have been changes in the 7 yrs since I went and it is in both breasts), and reassuring in another (they are really going the distance to get the information they need).  The XRay technician also told me that call backs are not unusual and that for 95% there is nothing cancerous, just normal changes in the breast over time.  I will have the results by Fri.

My IC did not cry in the background as she normally does and I did not dissociate so that's progress.  I did feel this deep, deep tiredness coming over me as we drove home and when I got in I laid down and slept for 6 hours.  Quite honestly, I still feel like all I want to do is snuggle down under my fuzzy warm throw, listen to the birds sing outside, nap, rest.  And that's just what I am going to do.