People-pleasing . . .

[alliematt]

My BFF has told me that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me.

i don't know how to.

Because I am afraid of getting hollered at, criticized, or whatever.  EVERYONE has an answer for EVERYTHING, EXCEPT ME.  EVERYONE can answer accusations, questions, etc. and tell what they believe and why they believe it, EXCEPT ME.

I don't know what to do to stop worrying about what other people think. 

[Whobuddy]

Personally, I believe this is a process. Coming from backgrounds like ours where it could be dangerous not to predict what others would think and do - so that we could choose our course accordingly, this takes time. You need to feel safe. I have a few people who I have begun to feel safe with. This is new for me. Then there are others who I like to talk with but I am more careful what I share.

Plus, I have decided that the world needs more 'listeners' who don't have an answer for everything but are willing to hear others' opinions and comments.

[Deep Blue]

Allie,
I'm with Whobuddy.  I think the world needs more listeners anyway.

Maybe your BFF is just trying to make sure you don't over exert yourself with worrying about others' perceptions.  It's a nice thought but she probably doesn't understand how hard that is for you. 

Personally I think most of us with CPTSD have no desire to rock the boat.  I often feel guilt and take the blame for things I was not responsible for just to keep the peace. 

[California Dreaming]

Hi alliematt I read your original 2016 post to understand better what you are experiencing now. You probably already know this, but being repeatedly bullied throughout your school years can definitely lead to CPTSD. I too have been in a religious cult, which creates some additional issues.

Codependency goes hand-in-hand with CPTSD. Those of us who have repeatedly been abused have to become codependent to survive. It works in our earlier years but can be crippling as we get older. I have learned to detect my codependency, which took quite some time. There are two ways that I look at it: 1) codependency is doing for an adult what they can do for themselves (this applies to non-adults but depends on the person's developmental stage) and 2) saying or doing things to protect another person's feelings.

When I catch myself thinking about falling into one of these two traps, I pause. The pause allows me to respond rather than react. I have learned to act from a place of my values, wants, and needs, which took time to figure out, and they have evolved as I have evolved. I do my best not to act from a place of meeting other's expectations to my detriment.

I echo what Whobuddy said about safety. I limit my relationships to "safe enough" others. This has gone a looooong way in helping me in my recovery process. For me, finding safe people has been extremely difficult because of the severity of my abuse. I have come to accept this on most days. I am no longer willing to subject myself to unsafe people. If I am forced to by circumstances, I am very cautious and maintain strict boundaries.

[alliematt]

Hi alliematt I read your original 2016 post to understand better what you are experiencing now. You probably already know this, but being repeatedly bullied throughout your school years can definitely lead to CPTSD. I too have been in a religious cult, which creates some additional issues.

I've dealt with bullying, AND a religious cult, AND a group that was formed in direct opposition to that religious cult which turned out to be just as unhealthy.  Any wonder why I'm totally screwed up?

[California Dreaming]

"Any wonder why I'm totally screwed up?" I hope that one day you will no longer view yourself in this way. That said, I very much can relate to your question. There is a tremendous amount of shame that we have to work through. I certainly don't have all of the answers, but I am familiar with the territory that you are in. I am not sure what your bullying experiences included; my bullies were my mother, father, brother, and a pastor. As I mentioned earlier, being in a religious cult can create another layer of what has to be worked through. I also was in a cult that was an offshoot of a particular religious organization, but there was no opposition. To some degree, there was some collusion.

[Kizzie]

Hey Allie - It's hard to think or feel or know who we are when we're surrounded by people who must be centre stage and run the gamut from being  demanding. critical, overbearing to abusive, traumatizing.  It's like being in a war zone where we just can't afford to be ourselves, where there is no space and energy to find out what we think or feel clearly. 

I was starting to slip into despair and depression again this past year because as you know I was finding myself overwhelmed by Trump and his N behaviour constantly in the news, hourly, daily.  It was this big N noise I could not get away from and I was paying a price.   I have not watched or read anything about him for a few weeks and I finally feel like I am coming back to myself now that the "noise" and triggers are reduced.   

All this is to say you sound barraged to me (which is how I was feeling). Can you carve out more time away from the demands of having an autistic child, from opinionated friends/family, etc., and give yourself some space and more quiet perhaps?   Stepping away from all things Trump and N behaviour has helped to settle my overactive nervous system  and get in touch with my self again (cliche I know but it's true for me  ).

[Shankara]

[quote
I'm with Whobuddy.  I think the world needs more listeners anyway.

Maybe your BFF is just trying to make sure you don't over exert yourself with worrying about others' perceptions.  It's a nice thought but she probably doesn't understand how hard that is for you. 

Personally I think most of us with CPTSD have no desire to rock the boat.  I often feel guilt and take the blame for things I was not responsible for just to keep the peace.
[/quote]

Deep blue's last sentence catched my eye. There is a part in me that creates an inner dissonance when I step into waters where I might be the one who is having rights to take action and beliebe that I am worthy enough to fight for them. When this friction takes place I need to somehow re-write the story where I am "wrong" so I had to be punished. This is stems from a part that once needed the perpertrator's "mercy". Not sure if this makes sense?

I struggle a lot with one aspect of mine that feels weak because I am not assertive enough, objectively though I can be assertive, I can talk back if needed, I can be feisty, BUT its not going hand in hand to the way I feel. It comes from a place of fear.

[Rainagain]

Hi
Just because others seem certain doesn't mean they have any more idea about things than you.

Your post reminded me of the dunning-Kruger effect, and the saying 'empty vessels make the most sound'.

Keeping your own counsel is a wise defensive move, instead of feeling the need to compete and push your own view listen and question the views of others, most people don't seem to have all that firm a grip on things if you listen closely to what they say.

It cheers me up, nobody really has 'truth', some have loud opinions, some know enough to be unsure. If you ask a few questions about what they believe your views won't be examined.....

[DecimalRocket]

Hi, Allie. I agree that the world needs more listeners and that the people who do speak share perspectives, and not answers. I think it's wonderful that you're willing to think differently and ask for support despite the feeling that beliefs would be forced on you. I'm not sure if there's anyone in the world who's fully right or wrong. Some people are bound to be right at something, and wrong at another.

There are things the whole humanity doesn't have answers about to, and some answers humanity doesn't even know they need. If you feel that you're lacking answers and confused about what you believe in or if what you believe in is right, then you're in good company. Many of us don't want to admit it, but we don't know what we're doing sometimes too.