A New Approach

[DecimalRocket]

  It must be amazing to be able to feel more alive then. Emotions coming out are deeply healing, and while tears are often seen as something bad, it's a cause for deep relief. Finally. Finally.

[Libby183]

Thank you,  Decimal Rocket.  You are right. I do feel more alive.  I have realised that since my last emdr session,  I have been much more present in my life.  It took me a while to pinpoint it, because it was so new.  I achieved quite a lot of practical things, but instead of pushing myself to get them done, so that I could move on to.... something else that needed doing,  I was absorbed in the current task,  without being overwhelmed about the next and the next. I got things done, without being so drained.  And this was inspite of variable pains and the brain zaps from drug withdrawal.

It's my next therapy session tomorrow and I really want to come up with a memory that encompasses the abandonment,  combined with the push /pull nature of my relationship with my mother.  There must be one that fits with the emdr protocol.  That's my task for today.

Best wishes to you all. Your support means the world. It really does.

[sanmagic7]

good luck on your task for today, libby.  i hope you find one that fits all the criteria.  very glad to hear you're feeling more alive.  that's absolutely fabulous.  love and hugs.

[Eyessoblue]

Good luck Libby, slounds like you're making really good progress. I'm really pleased for you. Let us know how you get on tomorrow.

[Hope67]

I do feel more alive.  I have realised that since my last emdr session,  I have been much more present in my life.  It took me a while to pinpoint it, because it was so new.  I achieved quite a lot of practical things, but instead of pushing myself to get them done, so that I could move on to.... something else that needed doing,  I was absorbed in the current task,  without being overwhelmed about the next and the next. I got things done, without being so drained.  And this was inspite of variable pains and the brain zaps from drug withdrawal.

Dear Libby,
This is so great that you're feeling 'more alive' - I also experienced that a couple of times yesterday - and it was a lovely experience to feel more.  It's great that you've achieved quite a lot of practical things too - and that you felt absorbed in the current task - wow, such positive things.   

I hope that your next session goes well - and I'm thinking of you.

to you Libby.

Hope 

[Libby183]

Thank you all, my "therapy friends" for your wonderful support.

I had another session yesterday - I think I am probably nearing the end of my therapy sessions.  I am so pleased I stopped the antidepressants.  I think it must have been the right time, this time round. I really am so much more relaxed, less anxious and definitely more present.
It's a very novel experience, and I am so pleased that you are having some positive experiences as well,  Hope.

Thank you so much for your kind wishes, Eyesofblue. I am keeping everything crossed that your support restarts as soon as possible. I know that alcohol is something you worry about.  I have found that my desire for alcohol has been much greater whilst I have been taking duloxetine. Reading around the subject, it seems that certain antidepressants do increase alcohol cravings.  I will be interested to see if I start to feel any different as the drug leaves my system. It does seem worth considering, maybe.

Driving my son to a job interview now. I really think that he has cptsd traits, from learning difficulties,  school bullying and having an autistic twin. I am actually quite in awe of his ability to keep on trying.  It would be great if he got this new job.

Hugs to you all.

Libby.

[Eyessoblue]

Libby, you really inspire me and I'm so pleased you sound like a completely different person from when I first got to view your posts. To think that you might be at the end of therapy too is such a big deal and I can't tell you how excited I am for you. I hope your son does well, I'm sure with your positive influence now he will do. Really pleased things are working so well. I'm still waiting haha, but am trying hard to keep positive unfortunately with the influence of alcohol as I can't yet find another way.x

[Hope67]

Dear Libby,
Just wanted to pop by and write something to you in your Journal - hope that you are ok and I am thinking of you.   
Hope 

[Libby183]

Thank you Hope. You are always here to give me that last little gentle nudge that I need to get me communicating.

I have been in such a "mess" since my last therapy session.  Up, down and all over the place.  I think it was the therapist's assertion that if I wouldn't give up my anger at parents,  it must be because I was holding onto it for a reason.  Which I suppose is right. I think that,  without my anger at my parents,  I don't really exist at all. I do feel much less anger at them, but that just leaves me with the crushing sadness, depression,  shame, guilt etc. At least when I was angry,  I had some energy to do things. Now I just feel hopeless.  But I am holding onto the idea that this could be the next stage in the grieving process.  Trying to keep going, but it's hard when I feel so utterly exhausted.

My therapist was so keen for me to see  my parents as just flawed individuals, who had themselves been damaged. Unfortunately,  because of the damaged way I think, as a result of my parents,  I am left with the guilt and shame for the way things turned out.  Because my whole life with my parents was a battle where we were winners or a losers and there was no middle ground.

I can't seem to alter that mindset,  which is proof of how flawed I am and why I sabotaged the therapy.

I am not sure if this makes any sense, but even if it doesn't,  it represents the convoluted nonsense that is going on in my head.

I think what I am trying to say is that I have to accept what I am. I have never been anything else. In fact,  most of the time,  I don't think I have ever really existed as a person in my own right. I realise that every real life interaction,  good, bad or neutral triggers me enormously. The intense nature of therapy was too much for me. I felt attacked if I didn't take on the therapists' ideas, which felt like being with my mother again. 

Where I go from here, I just don't know
I shall just have to go with it and see. Which, actually,  is quite a breakthrough in thinking for me! 

I am really trying with some small changes to my behaviour that might make things better for me.

Thank you, Hope,  and my other friends here.

[Hope67]

I shall just have to go with it and see. Which, actually,  is quite a breakthrough in thinking for me! 

I am really trying with some small changes to my behaviour that might make things better for me.

Dear Libby,
I am glad that you have noted a 'breakthrough' in thinking - even though you've been 'up, down and all over the place' since your last therapy session.  I think it's great that you're making some small changes to your behaviour that might make things better for you, and I am wishing you the best with that process.

Your writing makes a lot of sense to me - you express yourself clearly.  I was surprised that you wrote that you felt you sabotaged the therapy - because I thought you'd showed great openness to working in the therapy (from what you'd said in previous posts about it) and I was sorry that you came across what seemed to be a therapist lacking in empathy and understanding.  She seemed more pre-occupied with her own issues and her own relationship with her parents, and I thought she was potentially pushing quite a few of those views 'onto' you.  But I realise that's just my own perspective and thoughts, and that I wasn't there - it's just what came to mind.  I just wanted to share the reflection with you, if that's ok.

Libby - I hope that this weekend will be ok for you - I don't know how you find Bank Holiday weekends, but I think they're sometimes challenging - for whatever reason and I just wanted to wish you the best with this one - thinking of you.  Sending you a hug. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

libby, i share hope's surprise at the idea that you thought you sabotaged your therapy.  i didn't think that at all.  i thought your t had an agenda that she just wouldn't let go of.  i can see bringing up what a t sees as an issue, running it past the client, see what the client thinks about it,  and use that information to move forward.  but hounding you to see it her way, do it her way, no, i don't buy  that as good therapy.

the idea that you may have a reason for holding onto that anger, well, you explained that you do.  but, to my mind, that doesn't mean that you have to give it up right away or all at once.  what you described as what your anger provides for you are topics for discussion, exploration, and possibly insights and realizations.  there's nothing 'wrong' with having reasons for holding onto an emotion - those reasons are valid. and can all be tackled when appropriate along the way.

the idea of not existing as a person in your own right has rung true for me as well, for many, many years.  i felt totally unknowing of myself, what i did or didn't like, where my boundaries should be, or that i even needed boundaries.  i simply tolerated and absorbed (much of it toxic).

i can now more easily accept myself as i am, still sometimes slow on the uptake, slow at knowing what to say or how to say it in the moment (i'll often think of what i'd wanted to say a few days later), and not even always knowing how i feel about anything.  with that, i'm more forgiving of myself, just allowing me to be me, flaws and strengths.

you were taught well, libby, to take those responsibilities on yourself for what others have done to you - hence the shame and guilt.  i think it's a monument to our intelligence and comprehension that we learned so well.  i also believe that such intelligence and comprehension can help us make it thru to our truths and realities, and let others hold their own.  we don't have to hold their behaviors and beliefs as our own anymore with the accompanying shame and guilt. 

it was never our fault, it was never our beliefs, it was never our actions that wounded us.  that belongs with someone else.  it's their shame and guilt, not ours.  it's on them.  i know in my life that those who abused me in whatever shape and form that might have taken, were all abused and wounded in their own ways.  however, that's not my responsibility.  i didn't do it to them, and i didn't choose to live my life as an abuser.  that was their choice.

so, i can leave it with them, and have my own emotions around it.  anger, hate, disgust - whatever.  i don't feel sorry for them, and some of them i don't forgive.  maybe someday, but not today.  i leave that to the powers that be to do with as they see fit.  it's out of my hands because i just don't have the capability to feel kindness or compassion for them right now.  possibly someone else can, so i'll leave it to them.

i love your breakthrough, and the idea of small changes meant just for you.  i think it's a very positive and healthy path for you in your life.  you go, libby!  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[Libby183]

Hope and San Magic, thank you so much for all of your validation, support and best wishes. I am so pleased to know that you don't think that I sabotaged my therapy by refusing to accept my parents merely as flawed individuals who are no longer in my life. That was what my therapist wanted me to accept.

In fact,  on my good days,  I do accept that. On my bad days, even with that acceptance,  it still hurts.  And why wouldn't it?

The one success of the emdr was with regards to my sister.  It was the one session that worked well - that got to a core memory, reprocessed it and left me with a new belief that I did not treat my sister as badly as my parents and my sister said I did. In fact,  I protected her enormously from my mother's instability.
I will never have contact with her again - her choice as much as mine. That is just the way it has to be.

The therapy just didn't address the issues with my parents in any meaningful way. The therapist said it was down to my failure to want to heal. I don't accept that,  which is, in itself,  a breakthrough for me
Normally, I believe whatever I am told. But not this time! That's my choice! 

The therapy, and the relationship with my therapist,  just came to mirror my relationship with my mother.  I was told I was wrong, had interpreted normal poor parenting as abuse, and needed to change by doing what I was told by mother / therapist.  More guilt and shame. But, at least,  I have finally realised that I have a choice. 

My goal is to accept, finally,  that I have a choice. It has to start with small things and it is going to take a long time.  Like you, Hope, this holiday weekend has let me practice making a choice and not feeling guilty and ashamed about it.

I will not,  however,  give up my sadness about what has happened to me and to all of us here.  That would seem to negate our suffering and tell bad  parents that it's OK to damage your children as it isn't your fault,  and to tell the damaged children that they can feel better if they too abuse their own children. 

So now for a shame free and guilt free day.  Hoping you all have a good day too.

Libby

[Sceal]

Hi Libby,
I am sad to hear that you have a therapist who told you that it's your failure to not want to heal. And I can't quite find the words to tell you how wrong that is. Healing takes a long time, and it doesn't happen in a straightforward line or on the schedule of a therapist. They can't dictate how much progress, how much healing is done on their time. They are here to help, but they are not the ones doing the actual job.

I think too that it's a big thing that you've realised that you do have a choice, and you can choose. It's a huge thing, and can also be scary and confusing. I hope you'll continue to make choices that are guilt and shame-free. 

Sceal

[sanmagic7]

i'm with sceal on all this, libby.  plus, i'm ticked off that that t laid that crapola on you!  as if you're the one responsible for taking care of them!  uh uh, no.  not your fault, not your responsibility.  shame and guilt belong with that t as well for saying such a dreadful thing like you don't want to heal cuz you're not doing what she says.  bleccccch!

very glad you're accepting you and seeing choices as a viable option for yourself.  that's great.  such a big step.


keep taking care of you, all right?  love and hugs, libby.

[Libby183]

Sceal and San Magic.  I really appreciate your support and validation.  I find it surprising that she expected me to undo fifty plus years of damage in a couple of months. In fact,  my previous concern about therapy was when, after four sessions,  she barked at me " Why are your depression and anxiety scores still so high?"  I was shocked that I was meant to have recovered by then and we had barely started the emdr!

I am concentrating on making my own guilt-free, shame-free choices and it is going well.  Initially,  I worried that this just made me as bad as my parents.  After all, my entire existence was about what they wanted.  I am starting to get little glimpses that this can co-exist with being with other people.  It is really hard for me to get my head around,  because of my black and white thinking and the idea that every interaction is about a winner and a loser.  Concepts drummed into me from day one! Finally,  I am beginning to understand the concepts of self care and boundaries,  instead.

In a funny way, perhaps my dealings with my therapist helped me to get a handle on this. She came to represent my mother and what she stood for, but I was able to say NO to her and her instructions about how I should live my life. Something I was never once able to do with my mother.  Perhaps this is what she was aiming at?  I can definitely see how this helps me to move forward,  but I still hold onto my belief that my parents were horribly cruel and did so much damage, whether or not they meant to.  After all, I wouldn't be needing to build up my sense of self, at the age of fifty plus. I would have started to develop this sense of self from birth.  Wow, I think I understand the concept of reparenting the self, at last!  They took away,  or rather refused, a massive part of my life,  which however I look at it, I won't get back again. I can't overlook this, it's a step too far for me. This is an acceptable decision for me, that doesn't hurt anyone else,  including my parents.  I can leave behind my guilt over no contact.

So many things seem to have crystalised through writing this. I really think that this is the amazing value of this forum. You read, you write,  you understand.  I always feel that I take more than I give to this forum,  but hopefully my progress here will mean I have more to offer others.

Thank you, wonderful OOTS people.

Libby.