A New Approach

[Libby183]

Such a lovely, thoughtful response. Thank you so much, Hope. It really gave me a boost, and I am sorry that it took me such a long time to reply. I have been a bit unwell, but I have also been working on my new way of living. Nothing earth shattering, but much more acceptance of myself and what I can cope with.

I follow all of your posts and, as you know, so much of what you say feels so familiar to me.

All the best to you.

Hugs,

Libby.

[Hope67]

Dear Libby, I just want to say that I am so glad to hear you're doing ok - and that you're feeling better after your time of being a bit unwell - the fact you're allowing yourself more acceptance of yourself and what you can cope with - that sounds significant to me.     I often think of you - and I look out for your posts too - hugs to you Libby.   
Hope 

[Libby183]

Amazing. I have just discovered my old recovery journal.

It was very interesting to read it through, after so much has changed in my life.

I think it's time to resurrect it!

[rainydiary]

 

I look forward to your offerings. 

[Armadillo]

Welcome back to your journal. 

[Libby183]

I have been thinking for a number of days about making my first proper entry in my resurrected journal. Think I have been putting it off, like many other things.

I took a leap of faith yesterday, and emailed my sister. We weren't in contact for several years, because I was NC with my parents, so automatically NC with her as  well. I was the scapegoat and she was the golden child.

Since the death of my H, we have been emailing quite regularly, but mostly about very neutral subjects.

However, since my daughter went NC with me, I decided it was time to get everything that has happened, with regards to my Hs death, out in the open.

This led to my telling her about CPTSD, although I refrained from any blaming of my parents. That would have been counter productive. But I truly think it was a calm and reflective email.

I decided to get things out in the open. I weighed it up and decided that if she rejected what I told her, then I hadn't really lost anything. Just the occasional chatty email. It was more important to me to tell my story. After all, if I don't hear from her again, it confirms that family issues cannot be raised. I think that could well be the case.

My son who I share a house with came home from work and was very agitated. He had had an issue driving home. After he had got it out of his system, and I had really listened to him, I asked him about his Dad. I asked if he would have ever told his dad about his anger and anxiety. He said no, because he wouldn't have cared and he wouldn't have listened.

I felt validated because I have becoming more and more aware of how avoidant my H was.

Son got over his outburst and everything was fine. So that was positive for both of us.

My new neighbour had invited me to her house for a drink yesterday. Turned out she had forgotten, or maybe changed her mind. I don't feel like I sought her out in any way, but she made the initial move so I accepted her invite. She did say we could meet on Monday instead but I said I wasn't sure what I was doing next week. I don't think I sense any connection with her so I think I made the right decision to decline.

In the past, I would have felt I had to accept the revised invite, despite being resentful of being let down. This time, not especially resentful but chose to honour my decision.

Just a small thing, but positive for me. And I am not concerned about bumping into her. So win, win.

Have a counselling session later, to try and sort out how I really feel about my daughter. This is my big issue at the moment.

[Armadillo]

Hi Libby,

I know how anxiety-provoking it can be to wait for a response with so much weight. It was courageous to be willing to share about CPTSD with her knowing that she may not be capable of acknowledging what that means. I hope her response is affirming and also that you feel ok coming here for support if her response to what you went through with H and D and others is upsetting or dismissive.

Good job trying to connect.

And good job, mom, giving your son space to talk to you. 

I hope therapy today helps you sort out your feelings about D. It sounds complex and heart-breaking and challenging.

[Jazzy]

Libby:

I read a lot of great positivity here, Libby! That's wonderful. 

I'm very impressed by how you are handling things with your neighbour, and your realization that your son was truly upset because he felt like he wasn't being heard, so you made sure he was. 

I'm glad to see you back here on OOTS, and I'm happy to see you write in a journal here too!

I've found that names and colours are an important thing to me, so I make it a point to greet others by name with their favourite colour. If you are comfortable, I would appreciate knowing your favourite colour so I can use it for your name.

All the best with your session and your continued healing journey!

Jazzy <3

[Libby183]

Hi again, Jazzy. Thank you for your best wishes for my counselling session, and I am delighted to be asked for my favourite colour. It's definitely a nice, bright blue colour. I look forward to seeing it!

Thanks so much, Armadillo. I don't know at all whether it was a good idea to give so much detail to my sister. I suspect not. I just reached a point where I felt I needed to be honest, and vulnerable, I suppose. It would be good to get any response.


The counselling session was very helpful but definitely brought up so much. The counsellor definitely did validate me, with regards to my NM, and said that it made her want to weep. In fact, when I got home, I cried, which is unusual. I cried for poor, baby me.

I always knew that my trauma began at or shortly after birth. My mother made no secret of how she felt about me. She didn't see it as abusive or damaging, of course, and still regards herself as a perfect mother, I would imagine.

I have had to accept the fact of my extreme damage, and in some way, I have forgiven her.

But accepting the damage that I have, in turn, done to my children, is on another level altogether. I did try to do better and maybe succeeded to a degree. But I found it so difficult to trust my H. Definitely CPTSD, but he believed that everyone should do as they pleased, and if people didn't like it, that was their problem. So he was never wrong and never apologised, and disliked emotions and conflict.

I am much more stable without him, but my children see this as denigrating him. So we are at a sort of impasse.

My counsellor has suggested I could write to my daughter, telling her all of the things I love about her and all of the things I miss about her. I am definitely going to try this, as we did have lots of good times. Or so I thought.

I cried again today when it struck me that my H and I had never, in thirty years, danced together. He had never danced and that feels so, so sad. I think I am starting to tap into more compassion for him, which was always so hard because he was so guarded and unwilling to be vulnerable. Its so tragic that we couldn't grow together.

[Armadillo]

Hi Libby,

It all sounds very sad. 

I um...don't know if I should suggest this. But there's a podcast called the Reconnection Club that's meant for parents who want to reconnect with their kids after estrangement. I can only say listening as a kid instead of parent it sounds like would require putting all ego aside which may be exceptionally painful and maybe even harmful for someone with CPTSD. But listening from the estranged child side, what the woman talks about is exactly what it would take for me to feel safe reconnecting with my mom. (And will never happen because her mental illness would not permit her to do what is really needed). I say that all warmly and lovingly toward you and with no judgement at all other than feeling sad you've suffered and hearing that you want to reconnect with your D.

[Not Alone]

The counselling session was very helpful but definitely brought up so much. The counsellor definitely did validate me, with regards to my NM, and said that it made her want to weep. In fact, when I got home, I cried, which is unusual. I cried for poor, baby me.

So he was never wrong and never apologised, and disliked emotions and conflict.


I cried again today when it struck me that my H and I had never, in thirty years, danced together. He had never danced and that feels so, so sad. I think I am starting to tap into more compassion for him, which was always so hard because he was so guarded and unwilling to be vulnerable. Its so tragic that we couldn't grow together.

The few times that my husband has apologized to me, it seemed more like saying what he felt he had to say to get me off his back. There was no real ownership of his part or understanding of how his actions/words affected me.

It is sad that you never danced together. At a wedding, my husband will dance one dance with me. He makes it clear he had done his "duty" and that's it. It's just something to check off of his "to do" list. 

I hope when you write your letter to your daughter that you have clarity and the words flow easily.

[Jazzy]

Hi Libby, how is Electric Blue for you?

Your latest post here... that's a lot of deep stuff, I don't know what to say. Hopefully a will help!

I'm so sorry you have never danced with your H, that really hurts me deeply. I hope you can learn to dance with yourself until you find someone else to dance with. 

<3 Jazzy

[Libby183]

Thanks, Armadillo. It sounds as if the podcast you talked about is very much along the lines of what my counsellor was getting at. I want to make things better for my daughter, and the counselling has helped me get to a place where I want to help her, even if that doesn't involve being involved in her life. As you say, that will possibly involve further damage to me.

I hear what you say about your mother. I would need so much from mine to ever be able to connect with her at all. And like you, that will never, ever happen. She is absolutely unable and unwilling to ever give up any of her defenses.


So, if I could give my daughter something that would maybe help her, even if it were at a cost to me, then that would be making some amends. Something I will never get from my mother. I am starting to let go of the drive to get her back into my life, so that's probably moving in the right direction.

So, thank you for the suggestion. It's something I will look at, maybe with the help of my counsellor. I do think I am moving in the right direction and talking here really helps.

[Libby183]

Thank you Notalone. Our experience of marriage does sound so similar. Your story about your husband sounds so relatable. One of my sons had a card game he really loved. Husband played once, won and stated that he had retired undefeated. He never played again, whereas I played games all the time. The children loved them and we did have a lot of fun. I did accept him as he was, and just got on with things.

The son who has been estranged since the divorce has only ever said one thing to me. That I stopped him having a relationship with his dad. Despite trying to dismantle my defences, I don't think this is the case.

There was always so much pain in our family. Death brought it to the surface.

Thank you for listening and responding. It genuinely makes me feel not alone.

[Libby183]

Hi Jazzy. Thanks. I love the electric blue Very me!

The virtual embrace is very much appreciated and what you said about how sad my story made you actually really helps. It actually helps me see the sadness all around our family.
That my husband was unable to let go and have fun. I don't think that it was my fault but his defenses were so strong that we couldn't grow together.

Thank you for the colour and your kindness.