A New Approach

[rainydiary]

Libby, I am sorry to hear about the additional loss for your family.  I hope that you are able to work out what makes sense for you and your children as you navigate the funeral. 

[Libby183]

Thank you so much, Rainy Diary.

Both MY BIL and SIL phoned me yesterday and we chatted. Everything was fine. Will wait and see how things pan out. Feeling very accepting of everything, so that's positive, at least.

[Blueberry]

Libby, I am sorry to hear about the additional loss for your family.  I hope that you are able to work out what makes sense for you and your children as you navigate the funeral.

[BeeKeeper]

Hello LIbby 183,

You are going through a difficult time and your recent loss of your FIL brings so much to feel and to contain. I am glad to read a couple things from your prior posts:

1. that your depression seems different
2. you've started a new home redecorating project
3. you are open to family reconfigurations and are sensitive to others' pain

Your sensitivity to other members pain, your casual chat with your BIL and SIL shows me that you are doing quite well. I know this isn't "good" per se, but all these abilities to function are ways you can use as an anchor. Lots of small little things can make a big impact.

You have my sympathy

[Armadillo]

I couldn't say it better than BeeKeeper, Libby. 

[Hope67]

Hi Libby,
I just wanted to add an extra hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[Libby183]

Thank you all for your support.

I've been keeping up with you all, but have felt so tired. Again, not depressed exactly, but something a bit different. Not quite sure really. But that's often a difficult thing for us, isn't it?!

My father phoned recently and, probably for the first time ever, accepted the idea of intergenerational trauma. He took on board that my mother affected me, and in turn, I have passed the damage on to my daughter. It's not much, but something of a breakthrough. It's hard to imagine that my mother accepts any of this, but who knows.

My sister hasn't responded to my email, other than with a picture of her dog, and a promise to respond. But again, that could be viewed as positive. We shall see.

I am just so tired. So tired of people. I am relieved to have cut my last link with late husband's family. I know that it's self protection, through isolating myself, but I just don't see any positives in being linked to them.

I didn't intend to go to father in laws funeral and my son has decided not to go. Although I did say I would drive him. I feel so sad for him that his twin cut him out of his life completely. It would be awkward if they met again at the funeral.

I don't think it's just a defence against my pain, but my estranged son was a tiny, preterm, male twin, who cheated death a couple of times, wasn't expected to talk and displayed all sorts of difficulties from day one. Many, many risk factors, before you add in a mother with cptsd, a distant father, with issues of his own, a fully autistic twin brother, a dismissive sister and uninterested grandparents. I can see that I am just a part of his picture, whereas previously, I felt I was completely to blame for everything. I think that husband blamed me, and rejected this son, but I am the one left to blame.

I have been achieving a lot, however, despite my fatigue. I have made great progress with my home decorating, sorting out financial issues to make things easier for my sons future, walking my dog, making clothes. I even spent a nice few hours with the neighbour who had previously "stood me up!" Today, I am going to the shops for sewing supplies. If I just speak to one person, besides my son, I feel that's enough at the moment.

Coming here is so good for safe connection as well. Thank you all!

[BeeKeeper]

Libby,

This sounds incredibly traumatic.

my estranged son was a tiny, preterm, male twin, who cheated death a couple of times, wasn't expected to talk and displayed all sorts of difficulties from day one. Many, many risk factors, before you add in a mother with cptsd, a distant father, with issues of his own, a fully autistic twin brother, a dismissive sister and uninterested grandparents. I can see that I am just a part of his picture, whereas previously, I felt I was completely to blame for everything. I think that husband blamed me, and rejected this son, but I am the one left to blame.

And I totally agree that the instinct and urge to blame is almost unavoidable in circumstances like this. I want to affirm, there is no blame, you are not to blame, people that speak truth are facing years of unspoken anger, denial and decades of immaturity and irresponsibility from those unable or incapable of dealing with reality. Congrats on seeing and feeling you are a part, not the whole.

I have made great progress with my home decorating, sorting out financial issues to make things easier for my sons future, walking my dog, making clothes. I even spent a nice few hours with the neighbour who had previously "stood me up!" Today, I am going to the shops for sewing supplies. If I just speak to one person, besides my son, I feel that's enough at the moment.

Coming here is so good for safe connection as well.

If there was a cartwheel emoticon, that would be up there too! Would love to see your decorating and clothes.

[Alter-eg0]

Sounds like you've got a lot going on, Libby, and it also sounds like you're doing a good job of being compassionate with yourself throughout the process.

[Libby183]

Still feeling like I am doing pretty well.

I think one of the main positive changes is that I am now able to make a decision and stick with it. Not berate myself that any decision I take must be the wrong one, because I made it, and I am inherently wrong, regardless of the situation.

This personality trait can be absolutely linked to my n mother. I was never really allowed to make a choice as a child, and as an adult, I would make decisions which would be immediately criticised by my mother. I could never be right, was never validated, and I carried on the job of going against me, myself. No wonder I was paralysed about everything.

But this then leads me to my daughter.

I knew on some level about the damage my mother did to me, and I was always so careful to validate all of my daughter's feelings and choices. So how did things go so badly wrong with her? Did I go too far along this path? Probably.

My husband never seemed to admit he was wrong or even doubtful in his decisions. He never, ever said the word sorry.

So, it does leave me questioning whether my daughter is showing narcissistic traits.
I don't mean this to be disrespectful of her. She is a product of her upbringing. But I did start to query this a bit, during the horrendously stressful times of husband's illness. He gave her lots of cash, which she has no need for, and was exceptionally angry when I suggested she give it back, because it was needed to pay the mortgage and the household bills. She was very ungracious, threw it at me and left. Despite my lifetime of issues, I would never have kept money I didn't need, when it was needed elsewhere. I would have felt too guilty and ashamed.

The house that needed to be paid for during husbands illness was then sold so that my children got their share of his estate. I had to move out. Daughter has now bought her own house with her inheritance, and cut me from her life pretty much at the same time. I never once complained about selling the house and moving, and actually spent a lot of time and money and effort getting it sold. And never had any kind of acknowledgement.

I know that we are a perfect example to intergenerational trauma, but I do feel upset that I have had to face up to things, but my mother and daughter can carry on regardless. It feels very lonely.

Am I a really bad person for feeling like this? Probably yes, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Having said all that, I am coping with life pretty well. Actually enjoying things, communicating and socialising a bit, achieving things. All good.

So I suppose that I worry that my daughter will get stuck where she is, just as my mother is stuck. It's such a shame, but there is little I can do. The fact that my daughter cut me from her life really makes me believe that she is suffering. Whereas before her dad's death, she seemed OK.

I have accepted how things are, and will likely remain. Sad, but nearly inevitable.

I hope its OK to ponder these ideas here. I wouldn't voice them in real life.

Hugs to everyone for their support.

[Hope67]

Still feeling like I am doing pretty well.

I think one of the main positive changes is that I am now able to make a decision and stick with it. Not berate myself that any decision I take must be the wrong one, because I made it, and I am inherently wrong, regardless of the situation.

Hi Libby,
I think this is definitely a big thing to be able to achieve, and I wanted to say that I'm glad you're able to do this, especially as I relate to what you said about where the difficulty in doing this has emanated from.  I relate very much to that. 

You've been facing up to many things, it is clear in what you wrote, and I wanted to send you a hug of support, and hope that you feel a little less lonely with it - being able to ponder on these things here in the safety of your journal, it's great that you're doing that. 

You asked 'Am I a bad person for feeling like this?' - your own answer being 'probably yes, but it doesn't make it any easier' - I have to say that what went through my own mind after reading all that you wrote, and hearing you say 'Am I bad person for feeling like this?' is that I think you are an honest, thoughtful and caring person, who does look at intergenerational trauma and has tried to make some in-roads to dealing with that, and it's not easy, and I think you're really brave and honest, and I think you're a good person.  Definitely not a bad person. 

I hope you don't mind my reflections and writing these things. 

Hope 

[Armee]

 

Libby. You are doing amazingly well with your understanding, acceptance, and self-healing. I am sorry it is a struggle with your daughter and so painful. 

[sanmagic7]

libby, there is so much in your post i could relate to, including the mom/daughter dynamic, her abuse towards you, cutting you out of her life, a husband/father who basically checked out and left you battling everything on your own, plus who never held himself accountable for all he did and didn't do.  when i've written here about feeling like it was all my fault that my D turned out the way she did, (i'm convinced she's narc. personality disorder, just like her father), people really helped and supported me in turning that feeling around by reminding me that there were at least 2 adults responsible for her upbringing, not just me. 

i know i made mistakes w/ my D's, but every parent does.  the fact that you are so very concerned for your children, their well-being, gave of yourself for them, and attempted to hold boundaries for your daughter (and got abuse in return rather than a conversation about the money) makes you a very good parent to my mind.  it's a sorrowful situation, to be sure, heartbreaking in a way only a mother can experience.

i just hope you keep taking care of yourself.  your projects sound lovely, and may be good distractions as you go thru everything you're facing.  love and hugs, my dear

[Libby183]

Thank you so much Hope, Armee and San magic. Your support really does help me carry on despite the upset of the situation with my daughter. I do feel that I am gradually coming to  a place of acceptance. Understanding her situation, with compassion, but not taking all of the blame and guilt for how things have turned out.

You are so right, san magic. So many parallels in our families, and a family dynamic is created by both parents. I don't see how it can be anything other than that. Especially as my husband was a very strong personality, to say the least. When he was ill, my daughter knew how difficult he was to care for, and wasn't involved on any practical level. She supported him with phone calls. Then a year and a half later, decides that I didn't do a good enough job. I don't think anyone could do a perfect job in such a difficult situation, with such an awful diagnosis.

I am doing so much better at being kind to myself. It really is still such a novelty! I have had to deal with difficult situations with both my autistic son, and my elderly friend. Each tried to take out frustrations on me, at separate times. I felt myself go straight back to childhood, and being blamed for my mothers' problems and emotions. Each situation was different, but I coped well. I knew what was happening, and dealt with it, without the awful EF feelings.  With my son, I will calmly change something that clearly triggers him.

It's all progress, isn't it?  And it's the support and ideas on this forum, that help us keep moving forward.

The heat wave here has come to an end. I suspect you will be relieved, Hope. I know you aren't good in exceptional heat. So I am back to long walks with my dog, and continuing with my decorating project.

Hugs to everyone here!

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Libby

Hope and san say it best:

I think you are an honest, thoughtful and caring person, who does look at intergenerational trauma and has tried to make some in-roads to dealing with that, and it's not easy, and I think you're really brave and honest, and I think you're a good person. 

the fact that you are so very concerned for your children, their well-being, gave of yourself for them, and attempted to hold boundaries for your daughter (and got abuse in return rather than a conversation about the money) makes you a very good parent to my mind.

Parenting, and feeling "good" about it, is the hardest job in the world