A New Approach

[Libby183]

Oh, Beekeeper. Your kind words mean so much. Reading them really started me thinking that, despite my anxiety and depression, I did do the best I could for them. Having three children of two and under, including twins with developmental challenges, was tough. I think any one would struggle.

Your words, leading to a bit more self compassion, has really helped. It doesn't change the situation, but makes me feel more accepting. So that's good.

I made a lovely pair of summer trousers yesterday, and inspired by the craft thread on this site, I am working on a tapestry. I had forgotten how therapeutic  I find this, as I can pick it up any time I feel anxious. In the evenings, it helps me focus on TV programmes. So all good.

Sadly, it is my birthday tomorrow. It's something I just want to be over.

[Armee]

 

Bee has very good words and wisdom. I cant imagine how difficult those years would have been Libby.

I hope your birthday passes as quickly and painlessly as possible, Libby.

I can imagine lots of reasons why you would wish for your birthday to be over and all of them make me feel sad. 

What would you like from us here tomorrow?

[BeeKeeper]

Libby,

for the trousers! woo hoo! Would love to see them if you can manage the limitations and navigation of the attachments rules.

I used to feel the same about birthdays, and totally ignored and dreaded them for years. But BOING! at a certain year, maybe this one, maybe next one, who knows, you're going to WANT to celebrate your life and the strength it's taken to live this long, under so many burdens and trials. And instead of thinking about all that bad stuff, there may be something you allow yourself to feel and cherish. Then you bring it to yourself slowly, slowly, slowly. I wish you these things today:

Kind, gentle loving thoughts about all the things you've managed to do for yourself and others
Appreciation of your creative abilities and the ways you turn that into something visible and wearable
Your talents for writing, thinking and expressing yourself in ways that feel good to others
All the parts of yourself, whether visible or hidden that make you uniquely you and special
Sit down and write a list of your favorites, it can be anything. Look at it and pick one out to which to meditate
If you're feeling it, buy something silly and comforting with special meaning only YOU know

Most of all, give yourself one of these

[Libby183]

Thank you all so much for wishing me the best for my birthday. Such lovely, kind and thoughtful words. It meant a lot.

It was OK really. A long walk with my dog, followed by watching a tremendous thunderstorm. It sort of matched my mood, really! And my elderly friend bought me a nice chocolate birthday cake!

I had a card from my sister, and a telephone call from my father. I think he is starting to understand the dynamics of intergenerational trauma. In the past, it was misinterpreted or downright denied. But now that my daughter has gone no contact, I think he is starting to accept things. He asked about her, as they used to be very close, and I explained as much as I could, with no blame directed at my mother.

Part of me thinks that he will probably draw back, but I am not dependent on my parents any more, so I am pleased that I managed to say my piece. What they do with it is up to them!

So, apart from being so very, very tired, I am pleased that I weathered another birthday. I am definitely getting so much better at accepting myself, treating myself better, and not feeling so guilty about existing. Great progress.

And I got myself a new pair of sandals, which I wore in the house, just because I could. Thank you, beekeeper, for suggesting I do something just for me!

[rainydiary]

Libby, this update brought light and I appreciate you sharing. 

[BeeKeeper]

friend bought me a nice chocolate birthday cake!

YUMMMMM 

Way to go with your new sandals and WEARING THEM same day!

I am definitely getting so much better at accepting myself, treating myself better, and not feeling so guilty about existing. Great progress.

Absolutely positively. 

[Armee]

 

Happy birthday! Way to treat yourself well! Not only do you deserve to exist, it's great that you do!

[Libby183]

What lovely, supportive messages. Thank you Rainy, Beekeeper and Armee. I even managed to stand my few birthday cards where I can see them, rather than hiding them in a drawer, which I usually do. Think that's progress!

The more I heal, the more I realise that the very core of my damage revolved around my absolute lack of a sense of self. Without a sense of self, how could I ever accept myself, care for myself, trust myself.

I have become even more convinced that this lack of a sense of self is due to the fact that I had absolutely no bond with my mother from day one.  She freely admitted that she felt nothing but dislike and disgust for me from the day I was born. She doesn't see that this can have any effect on me whatsoever, because I had food and clothes and gifts. My jealousy of my sister, just a year younger than me, is a complete mystery to her, despite her always telling me what a lovely baby my sister was, compared to me.

Admittedly, I was a difficult child, but I know now that I was just trying to survive.


I do wonder if I could ever explain this to my FOO? Probably not.

But what I would like to explain to my daughter is that, unlike my NM, I only ever wanted happiness, success and a good life for her. Unlike my mother, who wanted me to suffer, to take away her suffering.

This seems to underlie her insistence and desparation for me to have children. Whereas my daughter and I discussed, very openly on several occasions, the implications of her having children. I never said that she she should or should not have children, just that it was a very big decision and one that should not be entered into lightly. And that's without all of the issues with husband and his family.

Here I am again with intergenerational trauma! So wish that people other than the lovely people here would listen.

We live in hope!

[Armee]

What a terrible thing to feel and say about baby Libby. And the fact they don't even see why that is damaging is even more painful. I'm sending you lots of love as you heal.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby,
Sending you belated Birthday wishes and a hug 

I'm glad you put your Birthday cards up where you can see them, rather than in a drawer. 

I relate to what you wrote about lacking a bond with your mother.  Also, the lack of a sense of self.  I relate to that too.  I felt sad when you mentioned that you were a difficult child.  When you wondered if you could ever explain this to your FOO, and you concluded probably not - I have to say I also felt that I could not explain it to my FOO either.  I think it's a difficult thing to communicate. 

Sending you a supportive hug, and also a Birthday cake to enjoy - sorry it's not a literal one 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Libby183]

I can't believe that it's so long since I've been here. A big part of the reason is that I injured my back /shoulder, doing some gardening. I don't think I really overdid it, but my body has a way of severely over reacting, so I was in terrible pain for several weeks.

Strangely enough, it was a very theraputic time. I had no option but to care for myself, to rest, and to deal with the emotions around my husband, and daughter.

And much to my surprise, I have come out of the other side in a vastly improved state of mind.

For the first time in my whole fifty plus years I am not ashamed of myself, I trust my decisions, I am in control of my emotions, which I am getting so much better at recognising, I am not depressed, just sad at all of the pain and suffering all around.

I am so much more present, and so am enjoying really simple things, like cooking myself something nice, and serving it on my favourite plate! I am doing some socializing, but don't need to be with people. It's very freeing.

With regards to my husband, I just feel very sad. I think he was a very damaged person, a lot like me. His family were difficult. Different to mine, but still damaged. He could never accept that he was damaged, or admit to any mistake or insecurity, never said sorry, and it suited him to focus on me as the damaged person. Does this describe a co dependent relationship? Very possibly.

I was always aware of a very strong undercurrent of anger in him, which he denied, both to me and himself. My NM was just the same, so I was constantly triggered. After his death, his brother said in the course of conversation, that he was a very angry child and teenager, especially towards their parents. I found that very validating. It made so much sense, and reassured me that our problems weren't entirely my fault, despite his assertions that everything was down to my damaged personality. I have huge compassion for him, but his death was not my fault and I did everything I could for him when he was ill.

Now for the difficult issue of my adult children. Even this has become easier. I have always known how difficult life has been for them. Not just because of the intergenerational trauma, but because of their own issues, like prematurity, low birth weight, birth trauma, brain damage, autism. I did my best, in very difficult circumstances and all three of them have quite good lives, each with jobs, nice places to live and things they enjoyed. They also have financial security. The rest is up to them now.

Whether down to his brain tumour, or his difficult personality, the one thing I am angry about is the rift my husband brought about between my twin sons. They were close and supported each other. The one who suddenly became dad's favourite, right at the end, won't have anything to do with his brother, who had been dad's favourite. Such a shame. Daughter was his golden child, and I think that her difficulties lie here, but that is for her to work through.

As regards my FOO, I think I have reached some peace here too. I will continue to chat with my F when he phones. I think he is starting to understand what has happened. That's a positive. My NM will never accept anything, but I know that she is also the victim of intergenerational trauma, so I feel compassion, and almost forgiveness.

I tested the waters with my GC sister. I wondered if now that I was in such a better place, I could have a connection with her. I have come to the conclusion that this will never happen. And I am fine with that. I tried, and have realised that there is nothing there.

When I did EMDR, I discussed how, in my dreams I was never sure if I was dreaming of my daughter or my sister. Both are GC, I suppose, so it sort of all makes sense to me.

It is acceptance, isn't it? I am what I am, because of what has happened to me. The same applies to my late H, my children and my FOO.

I am sure that I will still have down days, but I believe I can get through them now. My husbands death has given me the opportunity to heal. At first I felt guilty for this, and my children increased this guilt, but his early death was his destiny. He actually had a strong belief that he would never reach retirement. I have grown, and hope that my daughter can too.

Sorry this is so long. I wanted to record everything, and this seemed to be the place to do it, because this site, and all of the amazing people here have played such an important part in my improvements.

I look forward to coming here and seeing how everyone is doing. Maybe even helping a little.

[Blueberry]

For the first time in my whole fifty plus years I am not ashamed of myself, I trust my decisions, I am in control of my emotions, which I am getting so much better at recognising, I am not depressed, just sad at all of the pain and suffering all around.

I am so much more present, and so am enjoying really simple things, like cooking myself something nice, and serving it on my favourite plate! I am doing some socializing, but don't need to be with people. It's very freeing.

As regards my FOO, I think I have reached some peace here too. I will continue to chat with my F when he phones. I think he is starting to understand what has happened. That's a positive. My NM will never accept anything, but I know that she is also the victim of intergenerational trauma, so I feel compassion, and almost forgiveness.

I tested the waters with my GC sister. I wondered if now that I was in such a better place, I could have a connection with her. I have come to the conclusion that this will never happen. And I am fine with that. I tried, and have realised that there is nothing there.

It is acceptance, isn't it? I am what I am, because of what has happened to me. The same applies to my late H, my children and my FOO.

Wow! 

So happy for you Libby!

[BeeKeeper]

Libby! 

So , so very glad you are BACK! I'm thrilled at your new awareness and growth, which happened so quickly, despite the competing pain you must have been in. I totally relate to that back/shoulder pain because it's a constant, chronic "fly in the ointment" for me.

Before I get into how many wonderful and validating things you've discovered, I'd like to first mention this:

He could never accept that he was damaged, or admit to any mistake or insecurity, never said sorry, and it suited him to focus on me as the damaged person.

Now that, to me is the crux of the matter. I would advise you NOT to read my journal, but start fresh from today, if you are inclined. Or even pass it up. Doesn't matter. I came to a similar understanding about my ex as well, and when that happened, the chains that have held me for 46 years busted apart. That's fairly new too, only a couple of days but ultimately made total sense in context with past behavior.  So, you've made a LOT of progress in the past months. 

Your peace within yourself is obvious and especially the way you describe interactions with others. Enjoyment, but not hot pursuit. The dynamics with the kids are also very clear. Sad, traumatic and true. A lot of time is spent untangling that, and wishing it were different, but I sense that you are laying it out and saying my most unfavorite phrase in the entire world: It is what it is. There is some freedom in that, which I've always rejected, but you make a good case and lead as an example.

Thanks for taking the time and effort to tell us all of your progress and healing. I was getting concerned about you as I'd noticed you were gone for quite some time. 

[Armee]

 

What amazing work, Libby. Everything you wrote...so true, painful, and healing. There's so much to respond to there but for now I'll pick out the one that hits closest to home for me because it is exactly what I am going through now with my mom's death.

Yes, your husband's death is giving you space to heal. It is a shame others have made you feel guilty for that. He caused you and your family tremendous suffering and until that was in the past there was really no hope for moving forward.  You behaved lovingly. He caused so much pain and suffering for you, and blamed you. I am here, celebrating with you, that you are now free.