Really fed up with inner critic - I’m trapped help !!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
I really have reached a point where I am so fed up, upset (and bored) of my inner critic. Mine is always the same theme and is driving me to a place of feeling mad. This theme seeps into so many area of my life.
So it goes 'your unintelligent' 'your uninteresting' 'your boring'. I then go into freeze and then I doubly feel I am  the above. This inner votive stuff affects me at work, friendships, socialising and  any kind of performance based activity. All I want to do is run and go to sleep when it hits. It's like every word I breathe gives more evidence to 'see you are those things'. Do I believe the thoughts well yes I do. I'd give anything to be someone else at these times and be the perceived kind of intelligent, interesting person that I view so many people are.
The pain and drop in my mood is getting me well .. getting me down. I feel so uncomfortable with it.
It's like being abused except in some ways worse because I'm so aware and feel so powerless.
Will it ever go away ? I ask myself.
Any experiences, thoughts and especially solutions that may help will
Be very very gratefully received.

[MarkD67]

Hi Boatsetsailrose,
I'm not sure if my experience can help you, but I'll share what I've learned.

I worked hard to change my relationship with my inner parts. My critic is trying desperately to protect me from humiliation and shaming, so I spend time with him and listen to him compassionately. Sometimes he gets obsessive, so i use a mental image of a merry-go-round. Much like the defusion techniques of visualising thoughts passing by as leaves on a stream or clouds in the sky from ACT(Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) . I just watch them pass, or hear the critics voice and internally nod, as if I was listening to my mother on the phone, but taking no notice to what she says.

However, when my critic has gotten into the ear of my inner OCD Self, i imagine the merry-go-round, and acknowledge that the thoughts/words are going to go around and come back, so i can watch and wave as they pass. Its a start. Then i use heaps of gutsy 2nd person self talk. I don't try to counter the critic, but imagine I am speaking to my best friend, who only has me for support. "I know it's tough with that stuff going on inside, but you're going to g3t through. I know it's not true, so do you. But even if it was, you're still a beautiful and lovable man... Etc" I've been working on sets of phrases for a couple of years now, ones that feel natural for me, and i now mostly know what I need for any given situation.

My critic is still there, but I've learned that he's more active when I'm anxious or holding in some unresolved feeling that have been recently triggered. Sometimes he's really mega triggered, or I'm in a vulnerable state, and I have to just practice my mindfulness and observe him from a distance. When I am safe, I sometimes anger it out and grieve. I don't get angry at myself or the inner critic. I actively get angry at the people and circumstances that made him necessary for my survival. It counters the shame and can even quiet him. But I need to be in a safe space for this one because I'll usually end up a blubbering mess of tears and mucus and soggy tissues... Hehehehehehehe...

The key for me has been radical self-acceptance, vigorous self-compassion, and developing relationships with all my inner bits: my depression, OCD, the critic, my inner psycho, etc.... They aren't me any more. They are parts of me that I spend time with and have compassion for. Every part of my inner world came from trying desperately to protect the little boy I was, who is still inside me too.

None of this is easy. However, my inner life is 'mostly' manageable today. Even when not, I still treat my selves with ruthless self-compassion, and so my unmanageability is managable.... And I'm still very much a work in progress.

Try a Google search for "cognitive defusion techniques" and experiment. I've found that making it fun has a huge impact. The whole exercise, in fact all of the stuff I've learnt and created for myself for my recovery, has proved to me (and the critic, 'mostly'), that I'm not stupid, such that I've now gone back to university at age 50.... However, I've also learned that if I can't manage it, it has to go. At least until I've built better skills.

I hope that can help you.
Cheers

[California Dreaming]

Hi Boatsetsailrose You may already know this, but I will pass it along in case you don't. Pete Walker devotes a chapter to "Shrinking the Inner Critic" in his book on CPTSD.

"It's like being abused except in some ways worse because I'm so aware and feel so powerless." I can relate to both parts of your statement. The inner critic can retraumatize me over and over. My inner critic is an absolute tyrant at times. The inner critic wants us to believe that we are powerless, but we are not. I could write about this at length but won't in this post.

When I was living unaware of my abuse and cptsd, I just lived. I thought that my experience of life was like everyone else's experience, at least on the surface. For me, awareness has been a blessing and a curse. That said, I would not want to return to an unconscious life because I kept hurting myself and everyone around me.

"Will it ever go away?" I am not sure if it will. From my experience, we can "shrink the inner critic." My inner critic continues to hang on for dear life. It does not want to lose its grip on me. It has to a significant degree but not entirely. It has been a long and arduous journey though.

It appears that you are in a very intense "triggered state." I wish that I could take it all away. I can say that from my experience and others at OOTS, we can heal the wounds from our abuse. I still have open wounds and many scars.

[Dee]

I do two things to calm the inner critic.

First, I simply talk back to it.  I tell it to shut up, it's wrong, that's not true.  I challenge it with fact based things.  For example, if the critic says I'm stupid, I can use an achievement to challenge it with.

The other thing I do is put things into percentages.  What percentage of what I am telling myself is actually true?

I had a breakthrough therapy session with empty chairs.  One was the "manager" the other was the "victim."  I was asked what the manager tells the victim.  When I realized the things I said to myself I understood that no one should be talked to like that.   It doesn't matter their crime, no one should be talked to the way I was talking to myself.  That session forever changed my way of thinking.

[woodsgnome]

It's easy--and scary--to buy into what one thinks others are seeing in you and turn perception into rock-solid beliefs. But beliefs needn't be permanent and are not fate; they're only temporary spots in this journey. Unfortunately, it's also easy, and human, to want to give up when we reach this sort of impasse.

You say, ..."I'd give anything to be someone else at these times and be the perceived kind of intelligent, interesting person that I view so many people are." I know that one well--I get angry at myself for not being like anyone else. On the surface this is absurd but it overruns my psyche and I just want to run and hide (and have been quite accomplished at disappearing and feeling bad). These perceptions, though, are only the surface view--sometimes I've found out they have the precise opposite impression of me than I thought. Appearances are just that, sometimes just outer shells of an interior that's hidden.

You've already caught the inner critic at its game. You've noticed, and it hates being recognized. So you've taken the first step to having it realize you don't need its wily presence watching your every move and thought. Once it's been detected it may get the message it's not needed anymore. Give yourself credit, because you're demonstrating the moxie needed to tell the inner critic/gremlin to scram.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you everyone so helpful ...
I think it's losing its power just a little bit but hey I'll take that ! I keep turning to my spiritual side and asking for the truth .. this is really helping keep up the self compassion and self love

[Sceal]

I did a quick course on self-compassion. Where they talked briefly about inner critic, where they mention that listening to what they say, be compassionate with yourself in that situation - and as a whole, will help diminish it. Perhaps first step is to notice the tone and intensity of the voice  you talk to yourself and that of the inner critic. And maybe talk gently back, try to ask questions - find the facts.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you sceal ..