My Journey Begins

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Honestly... I am not even sure it is a flashback. I just get triggered and feel lots of painful emotions. Can't directly link it to a memory though I can say it is possible that I have completely separated my emotions from my memories. Not sure. Just hurts and really hard not to regress to deadening. Listening to Joanne and One Million Reasons by Lady Gaga actually helps me cry and then I feel better, although somewhat ashamed. Silly.

[Blueberry]

Sounds like an emotional flashback, FRillyFarmGirl. They're more common with CPTSD than visual flashbacks. Not knowing what memory they're connected to can be an important (!) self-protective measure.

Often we were taught to feel shame. Part of cptsd from childhood. No need to feel it here though. Listening to a song which helps release an emotion leading you to feel better is great self-care!! Way to go

[sanmagic7]

ditto all of what blueberry said.  i'm glad you have an outlet for releasing emotions.  i don't think that's silly at all.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

  thank you. I think I am shocked to realize how much I have been working to deaden.

The more I clue into that the more I am working to accept instead... And it feels like all over the place I am just hiding or trying not to hide anymore. It is exhausting. But I see the good.... Just still overwhelmed. Sigh.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

[sanmagic7]

hey, frilly, you know we're all in this together.  it is exhausting, but i do think accepting is a good way to go.  it's helped me when i quit battling so much and just accepted.  wasn't quite as tired and dejected all the time.  we're here with you - hang tough.  love and hugs.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Thanks so much.

So today it bubbled up more of the dawning realization that I just don't want to do this all by myself anymore. Life, kids, daily routine. I just take on all the expectations onto myself and do so without even realizing it. Thinking it all depends on me. I don't want to live that way, it is exhausting. I know it was practically beaten intk me as a child. Weighs me down and makes me so angry.

Then this evening I realized that I am still needing to process and mourn the crazy switch in my Mom at a young age. She changed when I was about 5 or 6. Which is about the age my kids were when I was diagnosed with Conn's Syndrome and went through *. All the way to last year, I have never wanted to be that Mom for my kids, that lost her self to life and became mean and hateful.

I struggle from the get go each day. I want to scream and scream. This is not who I want to be... Detached and struggling and distant. The deserve better.

My husband struggles so much with life... We have so few friends. I want to escape and get help and breathe oxygen and feel love. I just want to be myself again. I don't want to go through this.

Why do my family generations of women go nuts at this age?  Even my grandmother was like this. I don't want this.

I hate it.

I hate myself even while I feel sorry for myself. There is no way to deaden that anymore.

I just want to scream and scream and cry.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

I have fired my therapist, and hired a new one whose specifications cover CPTSD. We had our first session on Tuesday.

It is a much better fit and I am thankful. For the first time on this journey I feel I do not have to prove how I feel, what I am dealing with... She gets it and she is helping. Big baby steps, honestly ones I have been trying to make for four years now.

It was such a hard week last week.... It took several days to reset. A friend of my husband's died and then my husband got sick and I was extremely tired and pushing myself in ways that did not help... I crashed hard on Saturday, or was it Sunday? Not sure. Wanted to "grey out" so much and kept trying not to... Cried a lot. Processed with my husband some (who, thankfully, tries to listen and is the closest thing to a best friend I have aside from God).

And so... this week IS BETTER.

It IS getting BETTER.

There is a lot of work ahead. I made every effort to enjoy today. The work my new therapist outlined was daunting and I am starting to research more about what she asked me to do.

EMDR, IFS, ABC, CBT, Drivers, these are all new to me. But I am so thankful for this group here and that there is light ahead.

I went for a drink/dinner with my sister tonight, who is also dealing with a lot of similar childhood trauma. Our friendship is strenthening as we both have been in therapy. I am beginning to be really thankful for her as she helps me not feel so alone. She is younger than me and for many years did not understand what I dealt with in our FOO.

Thanks for reading, friends. I need good sleep tonight. Fingers crossed... Prayer... Either/or I would appreciate it. I am working on sleeping better but with a 2-y/o that is hard.

[Sceal]

So happy that you've let go of a therapist that didn't work for you and that you found one that seems to be a good fit. I can imagine the relief it is to have a therapist who finally listens or asks the right questions. (i can remember my own relief, and how the progress there alone sped up for a while).

It is a bumpy road, but I'm glad to hear that you have a support system outside your therapists office aswell!

An evening out with your sister sounds good, it's good to get out of the house and do something different once in a while, even if it's tiresome and wears one out - it's good to do the normal day-to-day things.

You sound very determined and positive towards the fact that things are getting better.  And I'm so happy for you! I hope you'll remember this next time it gets a little too challenging, that things are moving forward. And the road to recovery and healing is full of side-paths, bumps in the road and being turned a little around.
I'm cheering for you, and sending good thoughts your way!

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Thank you, Sceal.

I find myself extremely tired the more I go into this stuff. Letting down my guard on hyperviligance means that I am actually letting myself rest in ways I was so tense... Didn't realize it.

[sanmagic7]

you have a right to be tired, frilly.  the work is exhausting at so many levels.  so very glad you found a t who fits better for you, and 'gets' it.  makes the work all the more easy.

you used the  word 'daunting' when referring to the homework give you by your t.  may i suggest that if it is indeed too much for you to deal with, that's ok.  if it's too much to take one, just do what you can.  often those homework assignments can be guideposts for us as to where our limits are, or if there's an issue behind it that could be explored during a session.  everything having to do with therapy can be used to gather information, so no need ever to beat yourself up if you aren't able to finish your 'homework'.

even thru the tired, you sound strong, and i'm really glad for you for that.  as long as we're moving, we're making progress, including if those big baby steps are sometimes smaller or even tiny.  it all counts.  love and hugs.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

Thank you so much, sanmagic7. Wow. Good input. And thank you for the good encouragement and cheerleading.    I need it!

After a lot of work this week on Internal Family Systems and identifying selfs/roles.... I realized I have been believing that everyone who needs from me will take and not give (so either I am a giver or a taker in every relationship... And increasingly isolated/insecure). I was finally able to understand why I get so easily angry when someone needs from me, which I knew was unreasonable and had to work so hard to stop that feeling, but did not know why.

I was finally able to calmly accept a hug from my husband, and realize that his love is reciprocal in nature, in a way I have not been able to intentionally enjoy before. Up til now it was like I needed constant proof, even though mentally I did not understand why. I tried to always stop that fear/need for myself and for his sake (didn't always succeed), but could not disengage it fully and forever, before.

It feels so good to be able to see that issue straight on for what it is and see the possibility of trusting others more easily as a result. It ties into fearing others mistakes toward me too.. easier to relax on this area than ever before.

Wow!!!

[sanmagic7]

wow, indeed!  that's quite a realization, frilly.  i'm very happy for you, too, that you could come to it, could receive rather than take (at least, that's what it sounded like to me).  way to go!

i relate to the idea of getting angry at people who want to 'take' from me.  it's happened too often during my lifetime.  i remember feeling that they all just wanted to suck the life from me, and i wasn't getting enough back to be able to replenish my self.  it helped, tho, with finally being able to set boundaries, and say 'no'.

keep going, sweetie.  sounds like you're doing really well.  love and hugs.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

sanmagic7, Thanks for the support and validation

Yes, exactly, receiving instead of taking too.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

I am coming to realize I have a ton of emotional flashbacks in the morning, especially as I am waking up. Learning to give myself permission to not feel that way, and instead to be in the moment and happy. I did not even know it was happening.... What a way to live! No wonder I felt so depressed! It is such a good thing to have the tools to work on this stuff.

Trigger warning: physical/emotional abuse. I am aware that I am sharing this, so making an effort to record the abuse and validate myself. Not entering a flashback. Just finding it cathartic to share.
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When I was a child, my mother used to spank me every day for something. I would wake up, start to play, and think, "What will I get spanked for today?"

It was not just a hand spank once or twice, or even a belt. She would send me to my room and make me wait, sometimes telling me to "get ready," which terrified me... she would go get a cutting board paddle, make me undress myself in front of her (I used to pad with several pair of underwear while waiting, until she discovered that), bend over my bed with no clothes from the waist down to the knees, and spank me hard at least 10-12 times. I would cry and scream and say, "I AM SORRY!" And she would not even miss a beat and yell "IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!"

I would hunch my shoulders from before the moment she would start spanking all the way to the end. To this day I have such a hard time not hunching my shoulders whenever I am stressed or frustrated or scared. It is a constant source of pain or tension in my neck/back.

Here's the kicker.. it was usually about dumb kid stuff like picking a neighbor's flower (so I could give it to her) or being caught in a lie (usually trying to get away from being punished).

I remember many times it was over memorizing Scripture, or my handwriting, or my stubbornness about doing school. We Home Schooled and I was very unhappy with her methods... finally ran away  at 11.  She finally put me in Public School at 12. Which came with a world of pain all its own.

I think it's safe to say that I was a good kid. My Mom was a good Mom until I reached that age where she began punishing me. I always mourned that loss, deeply.

They say we are our own worst critics... But my Mom is mine. It's her voice in my head, always telling me I am not good enough, mocking every little thing I do. Makes me want to under achieve all the time. Makes me want to give up. Makes me hate life. BUT I DO LOVE Life, especially now that I have the right to be happy in my own mind, the right to be unafraid and protect myself... and the conscious ability to want to enjoy the good things and be okay.

Trying to consciously push through this and heal has been about a 15 year process, slowly building up and trying different things. I just got worse in some ways... although I am still alive because of the things I DID try.

I am so thankful to have a solid awareness of C-PTSD and these tools starting to click in place. I am feeling more calm and happy for the first time in a loooooong time.

Any tips for addressing these memories? I might try EMDR.

Even now, I am re-reading and thinking.... That was NOT. MY. FAULT. I am safe. I would not allow that to happen to me now, I would allow myself to choose to die protecting myself, any day of the week.

I also find myself feeling ashamed, that so many others probably had it worse. I remind myself gently that it is because of this I lived afraid of everyone all my life. No one understood and I stood alone and wondering why I was so different. The occurrences were never far apart but day-to-day.

If I were able, I would go back in time and call CPS on my mother. It would have been totally appropriate. Wrong is wrong.

[woodsgnome]

It's tough to wade through the memories. Maybe that's a metaphor that will work--wading in isn't the same as drowning in them. They will likely crest again, but you're finding ways to get out of their way. This is how I try to go with the flow, so to speak; knowing that this stuff can no longer rule my life. I fail at that sometimes, reel at how hard it still seems, yet somehow I've made it here.

And one thing that worked was, strangely ('strange' because it's denigrated by some in the psychiatric community), the cathartic elements you mentioned; for me these sorts of moments seemed like part of a missing part of what I'd tried. This was especially so at one 5-day workshop I attended; it seemed better in a group I'd learn to trust.

Something else that's helped has been to picture my life as 2 separate movies; the old stuff happened, and it's terrifying to watch or think about, but it's confined to the old show. That leaves me free to build my current one, and realize it's the only one I now have any say in the outcome. From victim in the first movie to producer/director/actor in the present is an image that heightens my comfort level (caveat: this and other approaches don't always work no matter what).

You also said that you "find myself feeling ashamed, that so many others probably had it worse." I know how it seems it's built in that we make these comparisons, but given all the variables any or all of the recalled abuses are neither worse or better or what have you, they just collapse into one category called terrible.

So what constitutes worse isn't always clear and comparing only tends to distract from what's probably one's equal emotional distress. This is never clear as you are only you. It might even seem that someone else "had it worse" but comparisons don't heal, they're all on the same scale of abuse in the sense of robbing one's core being of the care and nurturing everyone deserves.

Sorry, I have no experience with emdr for several reasons. My t has chosen not to go there, as I seem to respond to other approaches and we're both okay with that. I know there are several on OOTS who have gone that route with varying success. Meanwhile I hope you keep on with what appears to be some very good self-work.