Interesting session

[Cyd]

So yesterday I had my third session with my therapist. It was an incredibly intense session.

An exercise we did brought me right into the feelings of child me, she noted how my body language changed and I just felt so small with this intense weight on my chest.

It was so difficult, but felt positive in a way. I trust her and that she knows how to help me with this. It also felt validating, and made me realise how badly the child inside is still hurting.

Afterwards I went to a friends, I didn't want to go straight home. I felt so weird, difficult to describe. It took most of yesterday to shake off the feeling of being that small child.

I think there's something freeing in the session validating how much the trauma hurt me...but also the feeling that something could be done.

Today I'm seeing my sister, I plan to tell her that I've cut contact with our parents (temporarily at the moment).

Does anyone else find this thing is so up and down? Monday I messed my diary up, Wednesday I had a panic attack and then I couldn't sleep for two nights.

[Blueberry]

It sounds really positive that you're feeling something can be done about the trauma and it's only your third session!

I often have pretty intense reactions in therapy, including physical ones like you feeling the weight. My body language changes suddenly. My T has taught me to observe that myself.

I often have other delayed reactions, e.g. the next day I'm totally exhausted or confused or just so unmotivated, or basically I'm still in inner child modus of sorts. As I progress in therapy, these phases have been getting shorter ans less devastating. So there's hope. 

[sanmagic7]

i absolutely feel like this is the worst roller coaster ride of my life.  i have a hard time stringing 2 days of feeling ok together.  there's always something else that smacks me emotionally when i'm not ready for it.  i go thru something intense, find some rest and resolution, then something else comes along.  it's so wearing and tiring.

all i can say is you're not alone.  i'm glad you trust your t.  one word of caution is not to go too fast with the intense stuff, nor too much too often.  we really do need to rest between times.   love and hugs.

[Cyd]

Thank you for your replies. I know Blueberry, it is so soon. But there's something about finally understanding my life in the context of cptsd that is helping. I know it's going to be awful, and it has been like a rollercoaster, but now I feel I can help myself through understanding. Before I just tried ways to manage things without ever understanding.

But give it a minute and I'll probably be completely lethargic, having a panic attack or crying for no apparent reason.

Totally sanmagic7 it's just all over the place. And things seem more triggering now I'm starting to explore this...i guess my previous approach of ignoring won't work.

I'm really lucky with my t, I work in a healthcare setting and a colleague I trust recommended them for their experience with trauma.

I spoke to my sister yesterday and she was okay with my decision about my parents. So I am now estranged from them...so many emotions around that!

[sanmagic7]

yeah, lots of emotions around that decision.  it shredded my heart when i went nc with my daughter, but eventually there was more relief as well as the realization and clarity that i did the right thing.  now there's more sadness than anything else, but that's my mother's heart.  i still know i did the right thing.

the more i realized what was going on with me, what happened, how it affected me, the more triggers i also discovered.  ignoring didn't work for me. either, and being triggered around every corner has been a pain in the butt.  however, continuing to move forward with discovery, realizations, clarity, and the support i've gotten here has helped me deal with them more consistently, manage them more easily, and recognize them more quickly.

so, may i encourage you to keep going.  it will get better.  love and hugs to you, cyd.

[woodsgnome]

Cyd asked: "Does anyone else find this thing is so up and down?"

Whether I call any of this recovery or just trying to make sense of what was senseless--my answer is an unqualified yes. The minute I feel like it's coming together I'm often pushed right back into the slimy tangle of memories, misperceptions, and more. Despair sets in as a familiar friend--not regarding it as an enemy seems a slight improvement in how I respond.

As someone en route to therapy today, I needed to hear some validation of this up-down cycle...at least remembering there can be an upside, as my downside of late has been steep. A couple of sleepless nights was mentioned--yep, same here; so I need some perspective. Thanks, Cyd.