OK, here is a sensitive topic---sex drive

[marycontrary]

Ok, as some of you have commented and supported, I have broken up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. It just was not a healthy dynamic at all, and I am actually very happy to have stayed true to my values. I have gotten a lot of stuff done, and am going a lot of productive things. That part is healthy and I am really proud of it.

How-ev-er------



I have come to some pretty deep realizations that really bother me.  Please try to bear with me.

I have a really high sex drive. The last several relationships, I was really broken, and needed to heal, but I just wanted a casual, nice, and polite * buddy arrangement. No. The men ALWAYS get attached and want something more. ALWAYS. And this is after a very honest discussion and agreement about the situation. I have never misled anybody.

I was always perplexed about this. As a person with attachment difficulties, I totally realized that I do not get the same "bonding chemical" release than many people do, including men, when having sex. This chemical is called oxytocin, and have been the subject of many scientific studies over 50 years.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy sex like I would a fine meal or a trip to the museum. I am very greatful to have a person to share this with, and I do not treat the experience cheaply. The experience, like going to the forest on a walk, is very special to me.  I would like to have a grown up casual arrangement, but I do not think other people are wired for it.  I do not bond in the same way with sex that many other people do.  I can bond in love, and have sex with it, but not bond with sex alone.

What I realized is that I used my last relationship to keep me from being promiscuous. And the one before that. When I am not attached, much of the  time, my mind is preoccupied with sex and I look at guys as if I was a horny 16 year old boy.  When I am attached, it damps down to more manageable levels.

Please do not get me wrong. I am not a love addict. I am not constantly falling in love. I just like to get laid like I enjoy fine art or a fine meal, or a walk through nature. Not cheap or sleazy, but a true appreciation like it was an art form. But I realize most men are not wired this way, and it causes a LOT of trouble.

For God's sake, I am 43 and this problem is just getting worse. And of course, being in a country with so many polite, sexy, and willing men it is really driving me nuts.

I am exercising and meditating, and these things are of limited use.

Please advise. This is a REALLY big deal. And thank you.

[voicelessagony2]

I'm really, really confused. I thought men WERE wired exactly the way you describe??

I also have an intense sex drive, but I usually have the opposite problem. I must have an overabundance of oxytocin, because I bond so deeply, so quickly, as soon as I start sleeping with someone. That bond is probably not "love" but it's the closest thing to it that I ever get with an intimate partner. But (previous to current situation, which is 100% uniquely different from what I'm about to describe) EVERY SINGLE TIME I have had this bonding happen, completely outside of my conscious control, I would be totally unaware it happened until the guy would dump me or do something I found to be a deal-breaker, forcing me to quit the relationship. This would always happen within a few weeks, maybe a couple months at the most, and each time was more devastating than the last. Each time, was a perfect example of what you are talking about, except the roles reversed: I'm attached, he is not.

I wonder what is up with our opposite experiences?

[marycontrary]

Thanks VA2 for you response.
Actually, my experience is that a lot of people are wired that way, boys and girls both. I think your issue and mine are just different variations of attachment problems.  I have the bonding in an emotional relationship, but it is not initiated by sex like it is for most people. I am heartbroken over having to break up with a decent (but terribly dysfunctional) guy, but over emotional reason only. I really want do not have a relationship for a while so that I can finish healing, but my sex drive is really driving me crazy.

Also, I don't want to hurt anybody in any way. Know that most people have bonding mechanics happen when they have sex, they will be hurt and renege on any pre discussed and agreed to deal. I just don't want to harm anybody.  I don't want cheap, risky one night stands, either.

Sounds like both of us are in a crappy situation.

[Anamiame]

When I am not attached, much of the  time, my mind is preoccupied with sex and I look at guys as if I was a horny 16 year old boy. 

HA HA HA

I needed to hear this!  Hilarious!  Not ready to talk about sex yet, but you just stated the essence of what I've recently learned about myself that put me into a tail-spin.  This truly 'normalized' it for me!  ROFL!!!!!

[marycontrary]

Yup A, nuthin' like sticking your head into a bucket of truth...

[Anamiame]

LOL Mary!

[Milarepa]

I can identify with both Mary and VA2 on this one. I have an intense sex drive, and it used to be that I would get very attached too quickly; mostly because I didn't have the social skills to form a really solid friend network and my FOO was too * up to go back to.

I've also been on the receiving end of someone else wanting "too much" from me in what was supposed to be a casual * buddy arrangement.

My advice to you, Mary, is to find a dude who is in a healthy, long-term, committed open relationship with someone else. If they already have their primary needs for companionship and emotional intimacy met, and they just want to have some hot, friendly, casual sex on the side once in awhile, that could meet your needs and theirs.

[marycontrary]

Yes, I have had this type of suggestion before. And it is probably the most logical. And your experience mirrored mine to a T. Wow...we are not alone, are we?

Man, this is a hard thing to find, though. So much * and lyin' out there.  Guys wanting to screw around on their wives, and sayin' it ain't so. I don't want to be part of bad karma.

[C.]

Ok...I couldn't resist...a threesome? lol

[C.]

Sexuality.  I just want to chime in to say I have a similar "drive" and I noticed it after my divorce.  I was married 20+ years and sex was a big part of our relationship for a lot of those years.  When the separation happened I found myself horny a lot, like that 16 yo boy lol...I had a couple of Boy Friends, a couple of flings, and sexting...I found myself wanting to get married in part to fulfill my sexual needs.  My preference is a long-term, permanent commitment with sex, but that's me, I place no judgement.  I have not found the right person.  It's a conundrum.

So after my recent break up I really paid attention to my sex drive from the beginning until now.  I realized that from my college years until a few months ago I was never more than two months without  sex.  That's 30 years.

Then I noticed that there are people around me who live without sex, for whatever reason, and they do seem happy.  A close family member, for one.  And I want that ability.  To be content without sex in my life.  I'm not saying I want to be a nun or a spinster...it's just that those sexual relationships weren't fulfilling and I'd rather focus on healthy attachments, like your post describes.

Which leads to now.  For the first time in my life I've not been in a romantic/sexual relationship for 3+ months and I'm truly ok with it.  It's been like this since my last break up in November.  I don't crave sex in the same way.  Like you, when I was in a committed relationship there was an outlet for my sex drive and I avoided promiscuity.  It's almost like falling in love with myself again is allowing that to be enough?  Like that's my "commitment" right now...

I've reflected and I think that it is also because with my last relationship sex finally happened in a healthy way.  It was mutual, it was emotional, we were respectful, responsible, and things ended with minimal pain. 

My marriage ended traumatically and our sexual relationship was not healthy...he was not emotionally giving.  Sex was purely physical even though we were married.  He wanted me to hug him at night, and he would flat out refuse to hug me at night.  That experience was followed by more "unfulfilling" sexual relationships.  The sex might have been physically great, but the emotions were not there or were not reciprocated.  I think it's like you commented that it was about attachment all along and I didn't understand.  It's like sex was a form of attachment that was pleasurable when I didn't feel like there was anyone with whom I could attach on an emotional level.

As for practical options for you the salsa dance scene is full of people who want uncommitted great sex!

A little digression:  I agree that where you live it would be easy to have sex with a married man whose wife is not on board with the idea.  My ex is Latin American.  There is a long history of Spanish men having a wife in the city and a "lover" (usually indigenous, sometimes abused or raped) in the countryside.  I was the wife in one of that situation and the pain I experienced was excruciating.  My ex's father and father before followed the pattern I described.  I would jokingly say "no soy de las viejas esposas q aguante eso mientras q tengas tu amante en el campo."  I am no saint with regards fidelity, but I've always said after that experience that "telling" the partner about the infidelity only relieves the guy/gal of their own guilt about lying, the knowledge doesn't help the partner in any way.  Except I guess in my case it opened my eyes and gave me the courage to move out.  Now, I'd rather a cheating partner simply break up with me and not say why...I don't want to know about his infidelity...that's his burden to carry or not.  So your comment about Karma...well, I know what you mean.

I like the fact that you followed up this thread with a discussion about attachment.  Like I described earlier I am finally starting to see the correlation...

I wasn't sure whether to post this response here or on the attachment thread that you posted, but I opted for here.

Thanks for starting this sensitive topic!

[fairyslipper]

First let me say........I can completely understand what you are saying. I am wired that way also and at times it can be MORE than frustrating. I am really surprised to hear what you have discovered. I would have thought just the opposite of men. I find that really interesting. However, I do understand your need for having that in your life and how that situation would just complicate matters.

I am in a 31 year marriage and most of it was absolutely crazy fun amazing in that department    .........then my husband got diagnosed with low testosterone....REALLY low and that part of our relationship completely stopped...pretty abruptly.....nothing except for a couple awkward tries in THREE years. To say going without has been tough HA HA HA would be a joke. I absolutely lost it on him one day.......I was so frustrated. Things were rough for quite a while as I tried along with him to accept our new reality. Finally, and this is only very recent........I have come to a place of acceptance. We hug and cuddle and kiss but that is it. I love him too much to leave him and we did enjoy a fantastic run.........what has helped me and might help you......YES, YES with the exercising. Weight lifting, running, and now I have discovered yoga. I cannot explain it, but keep in mind I can totally relate to that comment about being a teenage guy lol...........yoga has helped mellow me I guess you could say, in that area. If you do it consistently it can help you manage the most unbearable situations, and this would definitely qualify. I have just returned to it religiously for all the help it has given me. A decent practice for at least 40 mins 6 times a week.

I wish I had more to offer, because really loving that aspect of life and not being able to have it in a way that feels right for you is one of the MOST frustrating things to ever have to endure.

One last thing. You mentioned your age, and that it is getting worse.....some women, us lucky ones lol, seem to get a stronger drive as we age, because of all the hormone shifting going on. At your age, I felt exactly like you are describing. I am ten years older and even tho yeah, I would be ready at the drop of a hat    ........the craziness of it has died off some......... 

Thank you for bringing up this subject. If nothing else it is nice to hear that there are other women out there that are wired more like men. Society can make you feel so strange for being this way.

[Milarepa]

Mary, you're right! It is really hard to find someone who is being honest with their partner and you don't want the drama (or karmic impact) of having sex with someone without their partner's consent.

Have you thought about looking for your local sex-positive community? Sex-positivity covers a wide range of folks, from poly people and swingers to kinksters and sex workers. You'll meet people who have done the non-monogamy thing in lots of different flavors. Finding a community means finding people who are being held accountable for their ethical non-monogamy at a higher level than someone you might meet on a dating site. You're much likelier to find someone whose partner is onboard with them having sexual relationships with others that way as well.

[marycontrary]

THANK you for all of your very thoughtful replies. I  am going to throw something out there...are all the people on the forum oversexed?

Milarepa....this has been suggested before, good idea. I live in South America...little different culture here. Not to say there ain't any groups here like that, but you just can't google them up. I live in a city that is a lot like Austin or San Francisco...so I imagine that there is something. This is a very logical solution.

Fairy....boy, this sounds like a hard situation. I am not sure if I could pull it off myself and I admire what you are doing to compensate. I go to a meditation center, walk 3-9 miles a day in mountain territory, and it seems the more healthy and fit I get, the worse it gets. There are a lot of yoga classes here, and I will give it a try. I am uncertain if I am even meant to be monogamous.

C. OMG.....You and I are very similar. Since 17, I have only been without sex completely for very short periods of time myself. You really have the word have have trouble finding for my experience, and I do thank you for it.

My preference is a long-term, permanent commitment with sex, but that's me, I place no judgement. You just nailed it here....took the words right out of my m outh.

It's almost like falling in love with myself again is allowing that to be enough?  Like that's my "commitment" right now... Bingo. Like you, I am focusing on my own stuff  very intently and I do not have the desire or time to feed and water a full blown relationship. Again, like you,  this self work takes up all my emotional energy. I am really, really liking myself for the first time and doing a lot of self care. I can't have somebody come in a screw this up. Remember, people like us live on average 20 years less, so recovery is literally a fight for our lives.

I will look into the Salsa club thing....I have been told there are a lot of hot Jovens there...again, I do not want drama or one night stands. Let me tell you something that is really funny. The Andeans look down their nose at the coastal folks, saying they screw everybody...both men and women, and that they are uneducated hillbillies. However, the Andeans do a lot of screwing around themselves. *, my neighbors in my last place would meet for afternoon trysts...they were both married. Down here, the women are just as bad as the men who do it. And both of my marriages ended traumatically as well. 


   

[C.]

Hi Mary,

We are also both in our 4th decade lol   And my experience is with "Andean" culture...i don't want to give too much detail about where (we could PM if you'd like) but what you write is so true about the culture!  I have friends from the costal regions and they've described what you mention haha  Nothing like sex to show unity humankind haha  I actually really appreciate and love how open South American women are about sex.  I debated how much to share here b/c I don't want to sound prudish or find similarities that are just me reflecting what I want to see or crazily oversexed...I'm encouraged to know that you found validation in this post : )

Everyone,

Great discussion here.  I appreciate the validation, the acceptance, ability, and humor of this group to reflect about SEX ; )

[Annegirl]

Not everyone