Radical Accpetance [Contains a trigger warning]

[Sceal]

I wasn't sure if I'd make a thread of it's self on this topic, or to simply write it in my journal. It might end up being a bit long, and for that I'm sorry - and I hope you'll bear with me. They say this is an important step in recovery - so I thought I'd try and share.

In DBT group today the subject was about 'Radical Accpetance'. Radical means with your entire self (mind, body and heart), and acceptance... Well, I guess it means acknowledging something, or approve of it. In DBT therapy they use this as a skill to deal with difficult situations - to accept the situation to reduce suffering, despite not liking the situation or removing the pain. They showed a video of a former patient talking about this, she says that for her this was the key to unlocking her recovery - that after that point things became easier. She felt more emotionally free. It didn't take away her pain, but her prolongued suffering.  It's the third time I'm having this topic in group, and it's not getting any easier. I have such a huge resistance to this topic.

I find it near impossible to radically accept alot of things. Example; I find it hard to radically accept if I'm late for something - that I am late. I acknowledge that I'm late, but I blame myself for it. "should have left earlier", "should have taken a different route", "should have planned better".  Or

Trigger warning
I can't radically accept the SA, the r*, the grooming and the manipulation.
Trigger warning end

Because it makes me feel like I have to approve of these actions. It makes me feel that I should be okay that it happened. And eventhough a big part of me says that I didn't (and still don't) deserve better, I can't approve or accept it. Another patient in group today said she thought that it is my pain that is talking. She might be right, that my resistance in this topic comes from my pain. That it would be too much to bear to accept it. I feel that I somehow are missing the key point, that I'm misunderstanding something. But everytime they try to explain - I feel that blockage. I try, and try to keep an open mind - but I really can't do it.

How do you guys feel about radical acceptance? If someone has worked through this - what was the turning point for you?

[Whobuddy]

How do you guys feel about radical acceptance? If someone has worked through this - what was the turning point for you?
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I am certainly not an expert on this but in my limited understanding I think it has a lot to do with sitting with your feelings. Let them know you are there for them. Even the blaming ones. Trying to resist the feelings can make them seem worse. Investigate them. Think about what parts of your body you are feeling them. Think about what you would like to say to them.

Imho, I don't think it has to do with approval.

It sounds like you are radically accepting that you are having a hard time with this and that is good. It is a process, it takes time. In time, you will begin to see some space between what happened to you and who you are.

I hope this helps.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sceal,

for one thing, i don't equate acceptance with approval, not in the least.  nor with thinking it's ok at any level.  nor with any sense of resignation that this is how it will always be (especially for accepting things in the present).  i also don't have any agenda attached to acceptance, such as it's the first step to forgiveness or anything like that.  i think of acceptance as simply that - i accept, acknowledge, that something happened, or that something is.  nothing more or less.

in your definition of radical acceptance, there are 3 layers - mind, body, and heart.  perhaps that is too much for you to encompass all at the same time for now.  would it help if you could accept one thing in one way to start?  i've seen some of those testimonials, but i think it's important that we realize the end result we see may have taken quite a circuituous or back and forth route to get to that point.

there are some things i've accepted that have happened, but i've never given it much thought as to accepting it on 3 levels.  i know that i can accept a lot of things in my mind, some in my heart, but i'm unsure about the body part.  i think one of the most helpful things i've accepted is that i'm flawed because of the issues i've faced, such as crying at the drop of a hat.  that's just what i'm doing right now, and i can accept that.  it might change, it might not, but that's not my concern.  just accepting i  am who i am at this moment instead of battling against that has helped me a lot.

i don't know about the 3 parts, tho, but just stopping the battling against myself has been incredibly freeing, energizing, and feeling like i'm caring about myself as i am rather than who i'd like to be or who i was.  can't change the past, and can work toward goals for the future.  for now, it is what it is, and i am what i am.  and that's ok.  you're ok, too.  love and a hug filled with acceptance of any kind.   

[woodsgnome]

When I first read the term and heard some of the explanations for it, I rather liked the idea it was trying to convey. But the more I've dealt with it, the less I feel that way. So as I frequently do, when I encounter this sort of language confusion I try to find my own way to the same place, but with less convoluted language.

There's lots of explanations concerning what 'radical acceptance' is supposed to really mean, but I've chosen to simplify it without getting trapped in too much explanatory language.

So let's picture driving down a long, winding road. In the end, for me, our thinking is like using a motor vehicle's rear-view mirror. Everything, including the worst things that ever happened, are stuck behind wherever I'm now located along the road. 

While I concur that acceptance doesn't equal approval, I tend to prefer my more visual rear-view mirror analogy. Everything appearing in that mirror has a commonality--it's all back there, now; and it can't catch up to me anymore.  I've even had dreams to that effect, but using other chase metaphors (e.g. being chased down a river in a canoe). In all these images, the abusers are fading further into the background. In my mirror comparison, I'd be tempted to just smash the mirror, but it's even more appealing to just see the images getting smaller, fading into the distance and eventually disappearing altogether.

Given how the old life can haunt the present one so badly, maybe that's radical enough. There is nothing acceptable about what's back there, and no words will alter that one little bit. So while I can't accept the horribleness of what happened, I can only accept that that awful past has passed. Eventually the mirror images drift out of view to where I give them no concern anymore.

There's lots of traveling ahead to get there, but worthy of where I want to be--far enough ahead so as to make the old pain fade and shrink into oblivion. That I will radically accept with no reservation.

[radical]

Before I start - I feel it is great if anyone finds something that works for them, that sets them free.

I did a lot of cognitive behavioural therapy (ACT) and found that it made matters worse for me, alienated me further from myself.  Part of the problem was my therapist, but she wasn't the whole problem.  I was already disconnected from myself and only too keen to see my mind as a kind of project, and my experiences* as being something I wanted to change along with my self.  I now see that for me this was dangerous.  What I needed was to be more connected with myself.  for me, ACT was like finalising a divorce from myself.

I feel much more able to "radically accept" what is - past present and future now, but I never would have gotten anywhere but further along the dissociative, self-objectifying path via the cognitive techniques and Buddhist practises and belief system promulgated by my then therapist.  It was leading me to become ever more alienated.  I'm not suggesting that others don't benefit from ACT and from the cog-behav techniques, but believe it was dead wrong for me.

My current therapist teaches CBT and I was discussing this with her yesterday.  Our work together is not CBT-based. She said that the problems I experienced are recognised hazards.

edit to clarify - what i mean by change my experiences with ACT, I mean  change my experience of my experience - ie to think of my subjective experience such as thoughts, memories and feelings etc. as being irrelevant and taking me away from "reality".

[Sceal]

Thank you all for responding to me. It means alot!  I started a new journal, a physical one, dedicated to figure out things in therapy. And the first topic I'm writing about is this, Radical Acceptance. With your responces and that journal - I might perhaps be a step closer to understanding. If not accepting.

@Whobuddy
I am definitevly accepting that I struggle with this radical acceptance thing . As for emotions, that's also a whole other concept I'm trying to figgure out. I can investigate them, but I rarely know what they mean. And rarely know what to do with them. But maybe this is part of it, like you say. And also part of why I struggle with this concept.

@San
You're pointing out something interessting. I think I see this matter as a black-and-white thing. Either I have to incorporate all 3 things or none of them. Perhaps it is like you say, start with one of them. And see how that goes. I will think on it. Approval is hard for me, on so many levels. General approval is something I need from others, their approval says something about me - and whatever I'm seeking approval of/for. But me approving something, or someone? That... I can't do that.

@Woodsgnome
I too like the idea of what they are trying to convey with Radical Acceptance. Less suffering = bigger chance of moving forward. And the language sure does confuse me more. In all the languages I know. And each time I get hung up on the language the barrier gets stronger.
Your metaphors and analogies are very nice. And I especially like what you're saying here:

So while I can't accept the horribleness of what happened, I can only accept that that awful past has passed

It made me tear up a little, for it's a future that seems so far out there. Past the horizon on the road I'm driving down.

@Radical
The main therapy that I've done throughout the years have been cognitive therapy too. I find that it's useful - but only to a certain point. It helps with anxiety and depression for me. But DBT is different from the classical cognitive therapy. It also incorporates the emotional side of things. At least, that's been my experience in the past year.
I'm sorry your experience with ACT left you even further disconnected with yourself, but I am also glad that you're at a better place now (it seems so at least) that you've found another path to take.

[sanmagic7]

i think i've pretty much backed out of the approval game.  i've done so much that wasn't approved of by my parents, friends, kids, etc. - just went my own way most of the time - and i think because of that i stopped (for the most part) making that kind of approval judgment (cuz that's how i see approval, as a judgment of sorts) of others.

what helped me let go of that is knowing that everyone's history is different, so their experiences, perspectives, perceptions, and ultimate choices and decisions will be different as well.   i can't know what anyone else has truly gone thru and how they felt about it, so how can i really approve/disapprove of their decisions?

i'm not talking about decisions to hurt others, no, i totally disapprove of that.  i'm talking about non-hurtful/not intending to hurt someone types of decisions.   i know that people respond differently to being traumatized - some choose to try to live one kind of life, while others choose differently.  we all know about that.

i believe you have a good heart, sceal, and that's what counts.  i also believe you can trust any decision you make that comes from your heart, and possibly begin some self-approval from that angle.  from your trauma has come that desire and determination not to do the same to others that has been done to you.  that is a major strength of yours, one that i believe you can rely on no matter what.

these kinds of concepts can always be confusing cuz we can all take them differently, make sense of them differently for ourselves.  on top of that, dealing with multiple languages, how that all gets translated, yeah, just add more confusion on top of the pile.

i think writing this stuff in your phys. journal will be helpful to you to wade thru some of the confusion and make such a broad concept make sense for yourself..  you are truly spreading your wings, sweetie.  best to you with this.   love and hugs.

[Sceal]

Thank you San.
Your perspective has left me thinking. Thats why I didn't reply right away.

I think you are right..That approval is largely the same as judgement. I hadn't thought about it like that before. I have always seeked approval as a way to know if whatever I am doing isn't dead wrong. Is acceptable.. I suppose this has made me lose a sense of who I am in everything. 
I am not sure this is going to change anytime soon, but maybe this is the first thought.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. I highly value them

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Sceal. I don't know Radical Acceptance as a therapy, but I know a lot of what it's based on — which are classic Buddhist teachings on self acceptance. The origins of this idea in Buddhism is a lot more intense to work on and harder to understand so it's wonderful that it was simplified for the more general public.

One thing I know is that Buddhism focuses on concepts such as "Everything is connected", and while the full essence of that idea is too advanced for now, I'd at least like for you to realize how your mind, body and heart are intertwined.

They're separated in language, but they're not really. Think of how countries are colored differently in a map — boundaries made by culture — when compared to the view of Earth in its purity out in space. That, or think of a pile of sand.15 pieces of sand are clearly small and 5,000 pieces of sand is clearly big, but when does it become small to big? Is 4,999 pieces of sand small?

It shows that a lot of categories we make need to be used in their rightful contexts of course, but in a way, are just created by the subjective view of the human mind. So meditation seeks this connection by being aware of each — your feelings deeply, every thought you have, and each sensation in your body to realize how each area affects one another.

In meditation, awareness is made through a lot of repetition and work to realize how they're the same in essence. The difference with the usual idea of acceptance in Buddhism compared to our usual view, is that awareness doesn't cause acceptance. It's that awareness is acceptance.

The resistance to know and understand each of ourselves. . . is what causes our lack of acceptance. The idea is that we are resisting a need that we have buried deep in ourselves, and in a way, it is not acceptance as in giving up or accepting some external problem. It is acceptance as in accepting in what we truly want inside rather than running away from it.

Because all the resistance to something external is not from the external event, but is only a trigger for a resistance inside ourselves.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, every first step counts.  without it, we can't possibly move forward.  like planting a seed.  without it, no matter how much water, soil, and sun there is, without the seed the plant can't grow. 

i think this is a biggie for you, sweetie, if it's connected to finding that sense of who you are, and i'm glad for you.  love and hugs.

[Sceal]

If only I don't forget about the first step, San I get easily distracted