Let's talk about problems with attachment to other people

[voicelessagony2]

Cat, I think it might be possible for people to have addict tendencies and behaviors, without any obvious substance in the picture. What do you think?

[schrödinger's cat]

Could be. My mother is a dutyholic, if such a thing exists. Most probably, that wouldn't have been so bad if there'd been more room for myself in our family. My father was critically ill for many, many years, and that took up almost all the available space. It was like there was an elephant crammed into the room and everyone else had to squeeze themselves into pretzels to fit. Given the circumstances, I simply wasn't important enough to enter into the equation.

So I'm still relating to people as if we were having an emergency: I focus on them, I stay out of their way, I protect them by holding myself back and inflicting as little of me on them as possible, and I protect myself from their (presumably) very short temper by keeping my distance from them.

[wingnut]

It's so stinking complicated!!
I grew up with two alcoholic parents. I didn't feel much bonding at all. When I was in my 20s, I was anxious attachment and clingy - I think in early romantic relationships, I was just happy that someone found me loveable and stuck like glue.
Now in middle age, I'm more avoidant. I jumped right over healthy attachment, apparently. 
Perhaps I found it was safer this way. Lower expectations, few disappointments. People are scary.

[marycontrary]

Wow thanks for all of your thoughts, people. Like I said, I think as we heal, it changes around. Yes, i am on the avoidant end, but I am a lot better than I was. I am just now really understanding the magnitude of this in my gut.

Our abusers turned our bonding systems into scrambled eggs...

[voicelessagony2]

Yep. I'm seeing more clearly now, that I have that deep, desperate need to be loved, so I *must* have the romantic partner role filled at all times, no matter what. Aside from that, everybody else can come or go or drop dead for all I care. No wonder I don't have any friends!

[lonewolf]

Wow, there is so much good stuff to chew on here.

C.: Are we related? Ha. I think I have the same parent scenario as you. An avoidant father and an anxious (flipping from hateful to smothering) mother. Until recently, I just ignored that I had attachment issues at all. I just convinced myself that I was an independant woman who didn't a man to get by in life.

Which takes me to what Mary wrote:

If there is one thing I cannot forgive the perpetrators for, it is for the destruction of bond formation development. There is nothing that I have lived with that has caused so much suffering

Amen to that. The truth is that despite my delusional belief that I prefer being a lone wolf, I have suffered greatly in this inability to bond with others. It is painful. I am lucky to have one very dear friend who has been just stubborn enough to keep loving me know matter what. I am grateful for the gift of her friendship. I am not bonded with any of my family members and I can't stay in a relationship for longer than 2 years (if I can even call most of them relationships) if or when I do have one. Promiscuity has been prominent in my life with multiple partners most of whom mean little to me accept the promise of warm flesh. I'm just being very honest -- and it makes me kind of sad to actually admit that out loud.


I think "attachment" is an area that will be of great exploration for me on this new journey.

Edited to add: Self-love seems to be of great significance too in moving forward.

[lonewolf]

Oh, and if I do bond with someone emotionally, it is always to "distant" people (psychologically or geographically) and it's not a healthy attachment. It is like I am purposefully setting myself up to be re-traumatized by their inevitable rejection/dismissal of me.

[wingnut]

I prefer keeping folks at a distance. I learned a social skill from someone many years ago where if you ask people about themselves they soak it up and it keeps the focus averted. Rarely do I find someone who reciprocates but when they do I know Ive found a keeper.

Recently a very close friend and I have grown apart and I emailed her twice about how I felt and how much her friendship means to me. She suggested that we get together to talk in response both times so we did. I felt it was in her court as I said what I had to say but neither time did she bring it up!! We have called each other 'family' as we were so close for a few years but she wants to pretend there isn't a problem and I refuse to play that game. She is a fellow trauma survivor so seems conflict is hard for her but she's shared with me in length discussions and conflicts with men she's dated but can't invest in our friendship? Well now we barely talk because I feel hurt that she's not investing. She has just moved in with her boyfriend so I suppose that will take all of her time now. It's tough to have expectations of something like healthy openness and it's also tough to be the only one trying. Seems the pendulum rarely swings in a balanced manner.

[Anamiame]

What an important thread this is.  I went through and re-read everything.  I think it is truly at the root of CPSTD.  At least, it's at the core of everything I am going through. 

[wingnut]

Agree. Everything that matters is relational and how we can get healthy with that.

[Anamiame]

Kizzie; would it be possible to make this a sticky?

[Kizzie]

Done!

[Anamiame]

 

[marycontrary]

Wow you guys are awesome! Thank you.

Here are some new realizations about myself that have recently emerged.  I have learned rudimentary skills in intimacy and find I can be intimate, but my brain gets tired and I need quiet time. I fully realize my maturity level is that of a small child, but it is a lot better than it was.

[schrödinger's cat]

I can relate to the brain tiredness. When I'm talking to people, I'm either falling back into my old patterns of behaviour, which means I'm socially hyper-vigilant and over-focussed on them, trying to intuit what to do in order to stay safe (=no abuse, no dismissal, no abandonment). So that's exhausting. Or I'm adopting new patterns of behaviour, good and healthy ones. But those are new, they're still unfamiliar, so I have to focus on them consciously and concentrate. And that's exhausting too. But I guess it'll get easier over time.