Do I have dissociative identity disorder?

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DecimalRocket

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Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« on: May 05, 2018, 08:57:08 AM »
Well, this is going to sound a little crazy to most of you, but Iím not DR.

Not the DR you know at least. She/he (apparently theyíre a they. Weird.) is apparently off schedule now, and now Iím here. Haha. That sounds entertaining.

DR will probably freak about this after I post it, but well, call me Maya. A pleasure. Iím not as profound as the usual DR. Think of me as the part of DR thatís more carefree and lazy for once, because damn does DR sound a little too err. . . disciplined to me.

Looking back at previous posts, DR fell in love and had an existential crisis. Looking at my moronic grandmother and her exploits, I can tell thereís some tension DR was worried about.

Though, I think I have at least the honor to my main self to tell you whatís going on. . . seriously. At least Iíll try to be serious. Haha.

I only have vague memories of the day. I remember being a much more excitable ambitious side of myself. Then DR. Then a very kind and nurturing side. Then a very logical and tough sided side. Then me.

All I remember is that barely any of them would think this is a good idea. Mostly because sharing it would make things more stressful. But hey Iím bored, and I thought itíd be something to watch.

Hey, I know Iím not as filled with euphemisms and niceties, but I respect DR. I think this needs to be shared for their own good. If the dissociationís this bad then, then somewhere inside my own psyche . . . well, DRís stressed as *.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2018, 09:07:21 AM by DecimalRocket »

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2018, 09:28:57 AM »
Sigh. I am one of those personalities that thought this was a bad idea, but case in point, DR does need help. It is my duty to explain.

I am the logical/tough minded personality Maya mentioned. I am logical yes, but not exactly tough minded. More like . . . shy and self effacing, and not . . . not very good with emotions. Iíd like to call myself Matthew, or Matt, as more informal types may prefer.

You see, I guess when DR falls in love, itís a completely terrifying experience. And uhh. . . Iím nervous to share all the details, but it hit a very vulnerable part of our psyche. Our discomfort with relationships and emotions may have caused it.

Another is that our grandmother is abusive towards our housekeeper, and we were given the responsibility to handle it. Seeing how we lack confidence in dealing with conflict, and our lack of ability to read people, this did not go very well. Especially with DRís stress with falling in love, and growng habit of worrying too much about people from the increased empathy of staying in this forum.

In conclusion, I guess youíd say DR felt like a burden.

Ehem. If you have any questions, please ask me. Thank you.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2018, 09:31:13 AM by DecimalRocket »

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2018, 10:05:03 AM »
Hi. DR here.

Iím just . . . a little shocked. I donít remember typing this. I have this vague memory that someone else typed it, but not me. What was I doing the whole day?

I donít know.

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Rowan

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2018, 11:01:27 AM »
Kay would love to say how would we know, we are not part of the system!

On the surface, yes, this as far as we know is DID - lost time, random things happening, no recall, complete seperate personalities, the list could go on, but thatís the DSM definition - the key question is how is your head today.? Do you have a headache?

Itís all part of a spectrum hon. Weíre here, and weíre listening to you all, every single facet.

Rowan

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2018, 11:13:26 AM »
Well, howís my head? Well, I just have this vague sense that this has been going longer than I think it has, and when I googled D.I.D, one of the myths busted was that different personality swaps are more subtle and hard to see.

I guess I do have a headache. It hurts, and I feel rushed and confused. I think I want to eat some comfort food, and bury myself in nostalgia of old childhood tv shows like Avatar: The Last Airbender. That, or binge watch 3Blue1Brownís Calculus Youtube playlist with a blanket and pillows.

I donít know if Iím just being petty or what.  :stars:
« Last Edit: May 05, 2018, 11:16:40 AM by DecimalRocket »

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ah

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2018, 12:09:44 PM »
DR,

I don't know if you have DID, but what I do know is you might be so very stressed right now.
Dissociating strongly seems to be related to stress for me, and my body takes over. It's a survival mechanism, a pretty smart one at that.
Feel free to lean on us. (I might be silent for a bit but that's just my personal loveliness...)

I have a relatively low opinion of psychiatry (sorry), so if the world of psychiatry said you and I were quadrupedal dust sloths from Oort cloud that'd make about as much sense to me as a psychiatric label.
I totally agree with Rowan about headache, and ache in my body in general.

Also,
Apart from it being potentially scary to think about at first, is it unpleasant?
I wonder because for me, when I dissociate badly enough to lose time, I've learned to see it as a sort of odd blessing.
Maybe it's my body and mind practicing self care because I don't seem to know how to do it on my own. They split to lower the stress level, they compartmentalize the pain, and it seems to work very well, I respect that. I can dislike it, but it isn't bad in itself. It's... well, protective.

And if it's been going on longer than you think, it's not to be taken for granted that others have written here now, in my experience that's no small thing. Trust issues, you know.

Last thought: based on recent research, none of us seem to have one discreet "self". No one does, we say and feel we're one person but in reality it's much more layered and complex. DID or no DID, on a spectrum of dissociation or not, it appears we're all more fluid than we realize.

Though I've never seen you act petty here, so that may not be it, sorry.  :whistling:

I wish being a person could be less confusing.
You're not alone.
(no silly pun intended, just came out that way in retrospect)

Matt (Matthew),

I bet taking a stand in situations of conflict is hard for even the most confident, extroverted person. So for shy people like you and me it can be harder still. I think it's brave of you. It's easy to look away, helping is harder. I respect you a great deal for it.
I've been talking to DR here for some time now, and "burden" is the last word I'd ever use to describe our conversations. But I can understand that feeling. I feel I'm a burden. I can relate.
Is there anything we can do to help?

Maya,

I'm glad you wrote, it seemed to me DR had been stressed as * lately. I've been wondering about it. I've been feeling this discrepancy, like there was so much stress going on for so long, but I didn't know what was going on besides the stress. (To be honest, I don't share much either to put it mildly)

We're here. I'm totally with Rowan on that, and with you, DR, every facet of you. None are a burden.

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Deep Blue

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2018, 12:26:17 PM »
I donít have any words of wisdom today.  I donít have any answers.

All I wanted to say is that Iím listening, reading, and I care.
 :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2018, 12:27:43 PM »
Hi Decimal Rocket,
I also wanted to just say that I hope you're ok - and I wanted to send you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Rainagain

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2018, 10:07:55 PM »
I don't have much to add to the great responses, but I've read cptsd is often misdiagnosed as DID (or maybe vice versa).

They must be connected, or mirror one another I think.

My own lost time episodes isnt a worry to me, I just add it to my pile of weird stuff I do.

But it took a while for me to accept it.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2018, 10:17:56 PM »
d.r., i respect and admire the courage and strength it may have taken to allow those posts to stay.  thank you for sharing them with us.

as to you maya and matt, thank you for trusting us with your posts.  so glad to have met you.

from my own experience with dissociation, it has always been at times of stress, or times i perceived as stressful.  other personalities would just take over and do the task at hand.  not as strong as some one here have appeared - mine have no names.  i just know one is gray and one is abrupt.

i hope you're doing ok with having done this.  from what i know, things may change as you go along.  what was needed at one time may not be necessary at another.  i don't know.  but i do believe that if they do change, chances are that it's because something has either strengthened or weakened, and it will be a natural part of our process.

love and hugs to all of you.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2018, 08:36:35 AM »
Iím sure DR and the others were glad to hear your comments. All I remember is some vague notion that they got too shy to show up though, and had to deal with their own worries separately throughout the day.

Well, call me Pride. Someone asked me if I wanted a human name, but I donít feel human. So no. Iím not evil. Just apathetic. The last memory I remember is from 2014, but when I checked, today was 2018. Iím aware Iím forgetting a lot, so I make sure I donít make that very outwardly obvious. Iím aware that even if I donít remember this place, I need to post here. . . so hi there.

What I remember about 2014 though is that I feared death. I was a hypochondriac, and I often thought Iíd get this sickness or that sickness even without a clear sign. I remember a therapist recently (at least recently) talked to me, and concluded my issue was that I read too many books. I was fantasizing too much from supernatural novels she said.

I thought that was stupid.

Somehow over the years, the little I remember from the years after 2014, I buried it under. But somehow I remembered it. I remember it had to do with a crime thriller I watched, and all the deaths triggered in me something Iíve forgotten long ago.

I didnít have anyone to comfort me with my fear of dying. I bet my mom would just tell me to stop crying. I bet my teachers would just tell me to stop crying.

I donít know.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2018, 09:08:33 AM »
Hi, itís Matt. Iím aware that DR gives out hugs, but that makes me uncomfortable. So Iíd just like to say thank you to you all.

To Ah : What can you do to help? Well, nothing more than just listen and give comfort to all of us. DR dissociates, but rarely ever this badly. From my own analysis, I bet this is a more temporary situation, and weíll merge back once this particularly strong trigger ends. I enjoyed hearing your own insights to all this, and yes, I do my best to help.

To San : Well, youíve already met me and Maya. Maya isnít exactly as precise as I would put it in saying that it was a pleasure to meet you. The truth is that youíve already met us, just in ways that werenít as fragmented. And I remember your own kindness, of course.

If youíve seen a DR whoís uncomfortable with emotions, intent to analyze everything, incredibly cautious and a little too shy, then thatís me. If youíve seen a DR wanting freedom, a break from responsibility, a fear of becoming an adult, and a need for thrill ó thatís Maya.

Mayaís a little bit of an escapist and probably wants to avoid these conversations for now apparently, but oh well.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2018, 09:38:44 AM »
Itís Maya, and heeeeeeyyyyy Iím not that escapist. I just know the value of relaxing a little.

Sure, Ah, Iíll be willing to be open about our problems more than any one of us 4, alright? Iím not as shy. Iím the reason that DR, even when theyíre quiet most of the time, has a bit of a reputation with some history as the ďinfamous prankster.Ē Oh ho ho ho.

Iíve been a big help to calming down DRís body. I was bored so I studied multiple informational videos on death with dark humor, science fiction reviews, the satire site the Onion, went to illustrating pictures, and others.

Donít forget memes. Do not forget the memes.

Iím a little worried about DR though. When I came to, our body was extremely exhausted, and even when I donít look that affected by that stress, I was. I really was.

I guess if weíre going an intense existential crisis, might as well laugh at it.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2018, 01:18:10 PM »
Hey, itís DR, with all the memories with my alters now  :grouphug: to all.

Jesus Christ. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted of my shoulders. Somehow fragmenting into different alters to take it all one by one was extremely healing, but Iím just . . . worried. Am I going crazy? Will this last forever?

But at the same time I feel. . . more alive than Iíve ever been. Itís strange, but it was a way for different parts of me to express themselves in ways they never allowed each other to. Each took their turn instead of fighting over a choice, and that was healing.

This is weird.

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Estella

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Re: Do I have dissociative identity disorder?
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2018, 03:28:51 PM »
 :grouphug: to all the parts that want a hug.

Keep your chin up, and keep talking if it helps