Death to the Inner Critic and the ones who spawned him...

[Seeking Solace]

Day 10.

It has been 10 days since he walked out, hurting and confused as well as angry. I was so sure it was his Borderline that did the damage, never imagining it could be my fault too. I was so convinced he was to blame. But my calm detachment was not normal. I stared out the door, and his packing didn't even move me. I just stared... he was thousands of miles from me. Just sitting and zoning out - I felt nothing but a sense of resignation. It took almost 5 days to cry or feel anything. He asked me to see someone for help before he would talk to me. REALLY? I mean really? Isn't BPD worse than PTSD? So he was the problem - it had to be him. I am not angry, just traumatized, right?

I have learned so much since this morning. CPTSD is good at hiding inside and masking EF rages behind justification, righting wrongs or overturning injustice. Being marinated in trauma makes it okay to say outright how you see things - no matter how hurtful, right? "We're not gonna take it anymore" plays in my head...  Wait a minute. Is his voice quivering? Is he hurt? Who hurt him? It would NEVER be me. I am keeping his heart safe, and I love him completely. Is that voice coming out of me? The dead-pan one... the one saying those things that I feel, but won't normally speak. What JUST HAPPENED??!? I would never... Oh yeah. The inner critic. The one who evicerates me inside my head on a regular basis. It now has turned on my lover. No patience, no tolerance, no allowance for his pain/anger or feelings. Only rigidity. Absence of mercy... brimming with cold indifference. This must end. This critical voice needs to die once and for all time. The battle has begun.

[DecimalRocket]

I don't have any wisdom for you, Solace. All I want you to know is that I've listened and I'm here for you. 

[Seeking Solace]

Thank you DecimalRocket. 
I appreciate your presence... even just knowing someone is there listening to my complete honest expressions with no fawning involved means there is hope for me.

Ever since I was a small child, everything had to be said with such a careful, apologetic stance, painted and presented like it was an undeserved privilege to express my own feelings. At 56, I think it's time to start being brave somewhere, some how. But words... I hate speaking them. Writing them is so much easier. My journal is safe here... only objective eyes can see it.

[Kizzie]

It sounds like you have had an important revelation Seeking Solace and one that could help your relationship(s). Are you thinking of seeing a therapist as your partner suggested?

[Seeking Solace]

I have my first appointment for starting a treatment plan on Tuesday of this week. I am armed with C-PTSD info and print outs from this site to go in and tackle this with a bit of a head start.

The fact is, G and I have been together 16 years and have fought to be loyal friends as well as lovers through thick and thin. He married me and took in my 5 children, I was newly widowed. He never backed down or faltered. The least I can do is face my demons for him so we can live out our time alone more peacefully and fulfilling. The 'baby' just left home and drove her car one state over to settle in there with her friends. It's finally time for us... and then this happens. No.

We deserve more. Our story is not over yet.

[sanmagic7]

ss, you sound so strong, so determined, so full of righteous commitment.  it's great to hear and feel.  yep, i can feel it emanating from you.  you go!

brave of you to take on that ICr.  it's a biggie, but i have no doubt you'll be successful.  love and hugs to you.

[Kizzie]

I have my first appointment for starting a treatment plan on Tuesday of this week. I am armed with C-PTSD info and print outs from this site to go in and tackle this with a bit of a head start.

The fact is, G and I have been together 16 years and have fought to be loyal friends as well as lovers through thick and thin. He married me and took in my 5 children, I was newly widowed. He never backed down or faltered. The least I can do is face my demons for him so we can live out our time alone more peacefully and fulfilling. The 'baby' just left home and drove her car one state over to settle in there with her friends. It's finally time for us... and then this happens. No.

We deserve more. Our story is not over yet.

It's cliche I know but 'the best things in life are worth fighting for' and your relationship certainly sounds like a "good thing" in your life.  All the best for Tuesday, I hope it is what you need   

[Seeking Solace]

So Tuesday is finally here. The full impact of what I am about to tackle is right in front of me. It's like how I would imagine a soldier would feel looking down over the field watching his opposing force gather and ready themselves for a siege or battle. It's a bit daunting... to say the least. Especially because I feel the defense mechanisms in me gearing up for an emotional shut down -- making sure I come across as a cool, collected specimen who has her life in order. But has this 'small pesky problem'...    Really?

  smokescreen.

None of that.
It feels more like this... 
My life is falling apart and it's not funny.

I really hate what I am... inside and outside... it's easy for me to talk about that part. I have talked about that many times. But it never helps. All it does is stir up old wounds and cause pain without any benefit? What will be different this time? Will it be different? How do I go about making it different? Mere determination isn't enough. I have to be sure it works this time - my G is counting on me. But what if I am a curse to the men in my life? My first husband said I was the reason he was a failure -- and he meant it fervently. What if I am going to destroy the very one I love so much by drowning him in my uncertainties and insecurities? Or beating him down with my EF's exaggerated sense of justice or the huge pool of criticisms from my critic's overactivity?
There are so many things lurking along the way. This journey is fraught with dangers -- most of them from within. Repressed memories, pain untapped, anger-rage-wrath at those who have contributed to this self-loathing that has become my core... rage at myself for being weak and so vulnerable. 

I literally hate mirrors. I think they should be outlawed. Like Captain Hook and his clocks, I would smash every one of them in my world. They have no place in my life. AT ALL. I can wash my face, brush my teeth, dry my hair and get dressed WITHOUT looking at my reflection. I HATE my body. Did you ever think that hate is just not a strong enough word? Yet, my husband wants to see it. How does that happen? It's so hard to do that. I hide it most of the time.

I used to be proud of my artwork, now all I can do is compare it to others and find the reasons why I am not good enough. But I can't stop drawing because it is the ONLY thing I ever fought to keep doing for myself. I stopped once for 15 years or so. I got lost.

These ramblings make little sense, but it is what it is. A journal, right? Oh well. I shall make myself some coffee... and try to leave my mask at home today.

[woodsgnome]

Seeking Solace, you said: "These ramblings make little sense..."

In some circles, that would be an accurate assessment. But here, for better or worse it fits many of our struggles, to where all those doubts about ourselves have come to a crescendo. So we spill them out on the page, and somehow we're still here, living into the questions and not avoiding them anymore.

Even the masks we use might prove functional, but only in an emergency. Because it's also dangerous to travel too far without recourse to what's gone before, much as we'd just like to toss the masks; which is both a blessing but too often a curse that drags us down. I'm doing a bit of that here, throwing up words to help me communicate, as I've lost or felt like I've failed in so much of what I've tried. I sense some of the same has happened with your life.

So I'm wishing you well for today's endeavour. And congratulating you for taking the risk of reaching out. 

[DecimalRocket]

I don't enjoy looking at my own reflection either. I don't brush my teeth in the bathroom and more near the kitchen faucet without a mirror, and avoid looking at my reflection on digital screens when it's a black background. Less to do with a need to look beautiful than it does with gender dysphoria issues, but I feel a similar disgust.

Lots of us have issues with our own selves -- outside and inside. People are expected to be special to be loved, but that's nearly impossible -- since special implies there'll be several people who aren't special that are left out. Even those who are special in some way in some talent or another aren't happy. Lots of them get bombarded with messages of envy and hatred for them being better than others when they're just passionate about something they enjoy doing, and it's a sad thing to watch.

I'm in both situations in different areas in my life, and it's a lose-lose situation if you think about it. You don't need to be perfect to be loved and worth something. You're alright as you are.

for you if it's alright.

[Kizzie]

How did your appointment go SS?

[sanmagic7]

how are you doing?  are you feeling a bit more stable? 

i'm just glad you were able to get that ranting out of you.  that's what these journals are for and why we're here.  they don't have to make any sense to anyone, but they probably make sense to many.  it's for you, that's most important.

so very glad you shared, and that you're here.  we'll all keep chipping away at those ICr's.   love and hugs.

[Seeking Solace]

 So I went to my first actual therapy appointment today with my new therapist. The one last week was a clinic appointment just to get established as a clinic patient. The best way I can describe her was that she is very 'zen' and very intuitive. She pays close attention, but knows how to do so without making you feel like a goldfish in a bowl.

So, I am hopeful. I have a prescription for an antihistamine that I take at night to help me sleep and sedate me so I can relax. My husband is back now  and we are both trying very hard to make things better for both of us. I am SO glad to have him back home. It just didn't feel like a home without him here. My kids tried to help ease things, but no one can fill the hole when he is gone. He is my closest friend and so much more. I haven't been on the web much except for working this week or last. Just tired and worn down I suppose. Also didn't feel much like talking.

Really weary tonight... but feeling very hopeful. Good night.

[DecimalRocket]

Oh Solace, lots of us can feel lonely when someone dear to us is gone, and I'm glad your husband is back then. That must be good news.

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear that you are doing a bit better, may have a good T in your corner and especially that your H is home again and you are talking and working on things