Trigger Warning talk of ending life/ suicide ideation

[Eyessoblue]

Lately I keep havin really bad thoughts coming into my head about ending my life.
They are totally random and keep coming up, make me really anxious and then I don't know how to handle the thoughts and start drinking heavily until I'm completely out of it.
Nothing specific starts the thoughts they are just there. They are ideas and I'm not planning anything but I can't understand where they are coming from.
I do have a lot of guilt for being alive, I feel I don't deserve a good life or to be happy and I punish myself by believing I shouldn't be here.
Has anyone got any advice as to what I should do? I'm not currently in therapy am back on the waiting list, just waiting.....

[Blueberry]

I'm really sorry to hear that Eyessoblue.  I used to have similar bad thoughts in my head. They'd jsut pop in too as far as I remember without much trigger or with no trigger at all. I didn't figure out what to do about them for a long time.

A T suggested I try telling my I.Children that time has moved on and I have options now I didn't as a child. That really helped. It was as if some ICs hadn't managed to move out of the past and once I explained, the thoughts became weaker and didn't come so often. Now they hardly come at all.

I understand feeling guilty about being alive etc because I've been there too. I'm glad you're alive! 

[California Dreaming]

I have been where you are Eyessoblue. I tried getting through my pain and anxiety by drinking large quantities of alcohol. A little over 2 years ago I acted on my plan and was a trigger-pull away from death. I am really glad that you don't have a plan and that you are opening up here about what is going on with you. I started having suicidal thoughts when I was 16 and they lasted until I was about 48. Even after my SA, I had the thoughts for another year. I often felt like the world would be better off without me. I even thought my children would be better off. Over the last 2 years, the thoughts have not returned, and I no longer believe that the world, especially my children, would be better off without me.

It's nearly impossible to give you advice without knowing all of what is going on with you. That said, staying in touch with the OOTS community can be very helpful. What is your current support system? Do you have any idea when you might come off of the waiting list and see a therapist? Please, please let someone know if you find yourself having a plan.

[Deep Blue]

It's nearly impossible to give you advice without knowing all of what is going on with you. That said, staying in touch with the OOTS community can be very helpful. Please, please let someone know if you find yourself having a plan.

I'm agree with California.  Take it easy on yourself.

[Libby183]

Oh, Eyesofblue. I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time at the moment.  I know how much you were dreading this ridiculous break in therapy.   

I do know exactly what you mean about the thoughts that just pop into your head for no reason.  Despite doing well at the moment,  they are still there for me too. Our lack of self worth is so deep seated, isn't it?  One thing I am sure of is that you are a very valuable person.  I can say that with absolute certainty, based on all of the support you have given me.

It's so hard to know how to get through the days sometimes,  and I can really understand the need to turn to alcohol. I would say, keep safe, obviously,  but don't beat yourself up about the need to drink. It seems understandable when you are feeling sort of abandoned,  without therapy.  Sometimes, I find giving myself permission to do something leads to a lessened drive to do it. I think it must be about taking some control,  when we don't feel that we have any control.

I just want to say, look after yourself, think kindly of yourself and know that we are all here to support you through this waiting phase.  You are much loved and very valued here.

Take care and many hugs.

Libby.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you everyone I'm sorry you have all had these thoughts too, but somehow weirdly that makes it slightly better to feel I'm not alone in all this.
Libby your help has always been much appreciated as we have been both going through emdr through the nhs so we can relate well. I still have no appointment set up for the anxiety clinic or counselling, just sat on that waiting list, no idea who to contact or how to push it forward, the nhs is very much a 'closed' system, there are no contact numbers for me just a list that I go on and off after every few weeks!
I think I'm just really frustrated at the inbetween time which I struggle with each time it happens, my anxiety gets really high and I can't control my feelings, drinking heavily is my outlet which I hate, but coming from a family of 4 alcoholics it seems almost that is the way I'm expected to end up too, I grew up watching them 'escape' the real world through alcohol and now I'm doing exactly the same.
So pleased I have this site to share my concerns with and hopefully I'll get an appointment sometime soon.

[Hope67]

Hi Eyessoblue,
I can understand you being frustrated with the 'inbetween time' and I very much hope that you'll get an appointment sometime soon.  In the meantime, wishing you strength and capacity to do whatever will help you the most.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok, 
Hope 

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you hope that means a lot, hope you're doing ok.

[Deep Blue]

Eyes so blue,
One thing I say to myself when I find that I have gone back to unhealthy coping mechanisms is... "this is just a lapse, not a relapse". We are all on a journey.  Don't let going off the trail for a bit let you lose sight of the path. We are here for you.   

[Eyessoblue]

Deep blue thank you.