Ana's Journey

C. · February 17, 2015, 04:25:40 AM

Anamiame · February 17, 2015, 08:17:01 PM

I know I'm in a dissociated state right now and I don't think it's going to end any time soon. The problem is, I have a lot of paper work to do and phone calls to make.

I had a really weird thing happen last night and it's going to sound completely nuts. Okay, it IS completely nuts.

I've been doing great the past several days. I was watching TV in bed and when my show ended, I shut off the TV and was about to roll over to sleep when in my head I heard, "Goodnight sweet baby." Okay, positive self talk. But...it wasn't me who said it. It's NOT a phrase I would use ever. My sweet nothings to my kids is 'baby girl or baby boy." Even with my dogs. It's just NOT something I would ever say or even ever heard before. Seriously.

It sent me into absolute chaos and terror. So, I used guided imagery and IC work to try and figure out what was happening. LONG story short, around the age of 10 I 'took over' as caretaker, making sure we had dinner, cleaning, laundry, etc. By 12 I was pretty quiet and took 'care' of everyone--including standing in between my parents when they were trying to kill each other. It was like...the way to avoid anyone seeing me so that I didn't get hurt. People thought I did it for accolades, but no...it was survival.

Anyway, when I was trying to figure out where the screaming was coming from, it was the 12 year old me, with the angry teen saying, 'see? I told you it wasn't me.' And I'm sitting there (the centered me) trying to figure out what the * happened.

Basically around that time, I had to cut off all my anger and negative emotions towards others just to survive. That left me dazed and full of loath and self-hatred. My only purpose in life was to avoid any criticism, pain, terror or anything like that.

But the phrase was very nurturing and loving--WHY would that set me off???

So I thought, maybe it's a flashback to my mother saying that to me. But...she never used that phrase. She always called us 'dolly' in a strange baby talk that I despise. I have no clue or idea as to why THAT popped into my head.

It took until today to figure it out. Nurturing and loving phrases were always followed by horrific abuse of some sort that left me broken and terrified. They aren't safe. They aren't real. They are lies.

How sick is that? What maniac would rip even the remotest nurturance from a child?

Anamiame · March 09, 2015, 02:47:51 AM

Man; in my mind, I've been posting too much, but it's almost been a month. Nothing has changed. Well, except I did get three pairs of jeans and I re-pierced a third ear hole and my cartilage. I broke my foot on that same day two weeks ago. Here is the strange thing, I dropped small speakers on my foot and thought it was just a toe stub. It didn't hurt after the initial yeaow! It hasn't hurt for the last two weeks, however, there is a trademark lump on top of the bone where it over=healed (my typical). However, I got boots that were too small that ripped two nasty blisters in my opposite heel three days later. Now THAT hurt!

Historically, I have had ex-rays as an adult reveal two broken vertebrae in my back and a broken foot, in addition to a calcified spleen that was perforated, but calcified right before rupturing. All...results of abuse. I can't help but think it's my unwitting ability to dissociate from pain. I also have to be careful because the meds I am on cause osteoporosis and I was dxed with osteopenia (pre Osteo) 4 years ago. Have I gone to the doctor? I thought about it...every day. Now I'm going to have to go to a podiatrist. It's still bruised but it doesn't hurt. Still, if you saw it--saw the item that caused it, you would scratch your head as well, the entire top of the foot was black and purple. It's green and purple now. LOL

I'm still spinning. I'm still having a really difficult time with all of this. I want to say I have it in control, but I don't. I know I don't. I've discussed my dissociation with my T throughout the years we've worked together. It's NOT a new topic. I've always put myself on the dissociation scale of 1-10 at about an 8. I'm higher on the scale than I want to admit. I just read back over my original post and it just...saddens me.

And I sit...staring at the computer screen, seeing nothing and realizing what I wrote a month ago and what's going on...zoning out.

I want to run. I want to undo everything that's been done in the past 5 months. I want to go back in time and be 'fine' with everything in my life. I want to put on a big smile and tell people I am truly content in life...and then explain that contentment is a state of being whereas happiness is an emotion that fluctuates with your moods, so you really want contentment in life and not just happiness. I want to get back there.

I come back to the same thing over and over again. I'm in this alone. My T is there for 100 minutes a week at $40 per week. I go in--she rips me open and I have to go home and shut it back up...by myself. No one IRL knows any of this is happening. I am seriously ... alone dealing with some of the hardest realizations I've ever had to face before in my life.

This doesn't make sense to me. IF my initial abuse was being left in my crib for two days + with no one there to help me through the trauma, then WHY THE * WOULD I ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN AGAIN???

It's so easy for them to say, "I'm here. I haven't left." But my f....ing god, the relationship is BUILT for abandonment.

In years gone by, I called my T way too much. I knew it and didn't like how it made me feel 'dependent.' So, now, I refuse to call outside of session sans 'business' issues. I have always journaled and would write what was going on when it was severe. But now, it's pages and pages and totally unrealistic to read all of it. I mean, it means something to me, but if I were the therapist, it would be work to have to read through it all. Anyway, being the hypersensitive person that I am, she made a small comment about how the journaling won't work because by the time she gets it read, we've moved on to other issues. She wasn't saying to NOT give her the journals.

That doesn't matter to crazy me. It means I'm being a burden. That I've reached out once again and was wrong for doing so. You know one of those awkward moments of misunderstanding. So that leaves no way to get affirmation/contact...I don't know...honestly, I don't know, what...in between sessions. And that leaves me alone...by myself. All the people in my life 'need' from me. I'm the Mom. I'm the estranged wife that keeps house; I'm the supportive friend. I'm not allowed to be the one 'in need.' It's somehow wrong for me to NEED someone to just be there for me.

Or maybe I'm too picky. Maybe.

I've widdled away my 'friends over the past three years. I don't work anymore, so those friends have dissipated. My kids are grown and gone, so there go those friends. Not that I had a ton before/I'm not into drama. But I'm down to one friend. I saw her on Monday and no...she wasn't a candidate for knowing or understanding or being there for me.

As for FOO...I'm sorry, they had to go, NC. My sister called last week and in one breath she was saying how she hated it when we talked when our kids were young because I was 'so in my head.' So I get on the phone with her to talk to her about this and asked her a question 'in code' as my son was in the room and immediately she starts berating me and judging my motives and saying, "You think you are so much smarter than everyone...blah blah" I get out the door and tell her WHY I used the acronym OSDD; but it was too late. I was 'back in my head' because I'm not allowed to feel. My son heard her tone on the phone, telling me off and commented about it the next night. That confirmed my resolve because she was the only one I've been communicating with anyway. So there goes that.

So as stated before, I truly, honestly, am alone in this and I ... I don't know how to make it....to move forward or to back track and stop this stupid rediculous thing I opened up without realizing just what a pandora's box it truly is.

So, switch. Back to Mom. Son needs me to tape him. I still think it's amazing how I can sit with family and they have no clue--no frickin' idea who I am at that moment or what I am going through. Ahhh, the blessings of an 'intellegent mind.'

Anamiame · March 10, 2015, 04:13:46 AM

Therapy isn't going to work. It's all gone awry. I knew this would happen but it's that old hope against hope thing. I'm so f/ing stupid.
There is no doubt in my mind that she is in over her head. I was concerned about that but wasn't sure. I'm grateful that at least she tried.

Kizzie · March 10, 2015, 05:27:33 PM

What happened Ana?

schrödinger's cat · March 10, 2015, 05:36:32 PM

Are you in the middle of an emotional flashback? I hope things get better soon.

Anamiame · March 10, 2015, 09:57:08 PM

Cat: I am sure I am. Therapy for me is a complete re-creation of the abandonment issues.

Kizzie: I think you would probably understand this. I finally made the decision to do therapy and trust. I've been having body memories and memories are surfacing.

I had the worst memory just instantly come back on Sunday night. It was me being raped by my brother's friends...with body memories. Needless to say, it was beyond traumatic. I had therapy yesterday and actually told her, which was really hard to do. I couldn't look at her and ended up seriously dissociating. You know, the world slows down; you can't really hear and have to have people repeat things because it doesn't comprehend?

Anyway, I kept trying to snap out of it and I couldn't. She told me I needed to be 'loving and kind' to myself. This was towards the end of the session. She didn't know how to just 'be' with me. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I felt ashamed and stupid for saying anything in the first place. She said the memories are the glue that will glue the fragments back together. Well, if that's the case, I go back to my original premise that I don't want to remember. To me, the memories are shattering. At the end, she was concerned about my driving and told me to wait until I was safe to drive; she stood up and stood by the door, which made me really uncomfortable the session before and so this time, I made sure I could pick up my stuff quickly and avoid that awkwardness. As I got closer to her, I told her no hug today. She reached out to rub my arm and I swear, I've never heard my voice like it was, super low, quiet and I'd have to say seething? As I said, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I practically ran out of there.

I know she's in over her head and I was really concerned about that before. Something similar happened in 2005 but I don't remember exactly what.

I don't know if it makes sense; but my radar is pretty accurate and the time before I felt like, I don't know, like I was 'draining' or a burden or something. I hadn't felt like that before with her. I thought maybe I was wrong...but then it was just so bad yesterday.

I'm having the 'after' affects of the dissociation and re-traumatizing myself.

So now, I have to figure out how to close it all back up; let her know that as my 'counselor' she is fine (day to day stressors) but that I can't do therapy with her.

It's been 30 years. I've known for 20 of those that truly, I am 'damaged' good and can't be helped--I can help others--but I can't be fixed.

I got to a really good place in the past 8 years of being super grateful for the things in my life and truly content. It was only at night that the abyss surfaced and the terror that is me became reality.

Anyway...so that's what happened.

Ana

schrödinger's cat · March 10, 2015, 10:15:59 PM

I can't find words for this. Or no clever words in any case. I'd have felt freaked out too. If you say "no hugs" then why does she presume to touch you? It's like she still assumed that untraumatized-people rules apply for your situation, which is bizarre.

Trees · March 10, 2015, 11:38:51 PM

Ana, I am sorry you are feeling so awful. Such hideous memories. Being so trapped inside all of that.

How sad that your therapist is unable to be there for you at such a time. And the cluelessness about disregarding your request for no-touch, that seems especially scary to me.

The despair of feeling unfixable, it is so frightening.

I am glad you told us what was going on with you. I hope you will continue to keep talking to us, as much as you feel inclined to.

The "terror that is you" is not all of you, though of course it does feel like that now.

May this new wave of ugliness subside soon ! May peace return to you soon !

schrödinger's cat · March 11, 2015, 06:48:41 AM

Quote from: Anamiame on February 17, 2015, 08:17:01 PM... I heard, "Goodnight sweet baby." ..... How sick is that? What maniac would rip even the remotest nurturance from a child?

Oh my words. I'm finding it hard to reply to this without swearing at your parents. You weren't just abused, you also had this immense pressure to take care of your siblings - even of your parents (when you tried to keep them from killing each other). So when you say now: "I'm in this alone" - that must have been such an overwhelming and real feeling back then for you. Not even a feeling, a certainty. A very realistic one too. I wish we could turn back time and change this.

So... you don't have to answer this, but do you think that this feeling of aloneness could be (to some extent) a kind of flashback? Old memories come up, and they bring those old certainties with them? I'm asking because I've had this happen to me just yesterday and today, and am still trying to get out of it, and (like in your case too) it's harder because there's some kernel of truth to it even now.

I hope things will become more bearable for you very soon, Ana.

Take your time with this. There's no rush. CPTSD recovery seems to be just slow-as-molasses in general. Sudden improvements happen, but they seem to be rather rare, at least from what I've read on here. Post as much on OOTS as you like. You were so very alone as a child, and you're still having to cope with insufficient social support, so if OOTS is helpful, then keep it. I mean, look at my post count, and I haven't brought the site crashing down yet. You tell your story so clearly and honestly. And I'm sure that there are some members who maybe haven't yet felt able to post, but who read your story and find their own mirrored in it, and take comfort from knowing they're not alone.

Anamiame · March 11, 2015, 04:30:25 PM

Thanks Cat.

Yes, I'm POSITIVE it is also a flashback. And I know where it comes from. I was 18 months old and my mother used to tie us to the bed when she would go out drinking. Since I was in a crib, I didn't get tied. My siblings could all untie themselves, but this particular day, no one got me out of the crib. It was frying hot and I had a super bad diaper rash and had peed. I will NEVER forget the pain of that. I kept trying to get the diaper off and finally bent the pin and it scratched my leg really badly as I pulled the diaper off. I kept screaming and my sister tried to give me a piece of bread through the crib slots and I threw it at her. It was on the floor and later I was hungry and couldn't get the bread and really wished I hadn't done that.

That night, I was hyssoping from crying all day--where you can't stop. My brain didn't have words, but I know exactly what I was thinking: "No one will EVER do this to me again!" The next day my Dad came in and picked me up, but I was already gone...if that makes sense. The next night after everyone was asleep, I practiced climbing in and out of my crib. She wouldn't give us anything to drink at night because she didn't want us peeing the bed and we would get so thirsty. When I used to get thirsty, I'd sneak out of my crib. I couldn't reach the sink so I drank the water out of the toilet. I learned quickly to flush it first. I remember some time after that, my sister realized I was getting water and she gave me a cup to get her some. I got her some water. I handed it to her and I still remember looking at her like, don't tell her where you got it from. She drank some then looked at me; realized I was too little and asked where I got it from. I told her and she literally threw up. Bad memory I know, but it was funny.

So, my attachment issues and mostly abandonment and being left alone issues are very VERY severe. My T knows this. I tried to call her last night. You always have to leave a message and wait for her to call you back. It's the inner child thing.

She never called me back.

I let myself get attached. And I feel like I am 'bad' for needing more than what she is willing to give. It just makes me want to go hide in a hole somewhere and never come out. I HAVE to learn to rely on myself for self-nurturing--I know that. I really do; but it's like seeing how easy it is for others to ride a bicycle and you don't know how. You are willing to learn, but at the beginning, you can't.

I just don't know what to do.

Plus, I just found out that I have to see a psychiatrist for my Worker's Comp case. Right now isn't a great time for me to have to do that. Last time I saw him, I was 'normal' and this time, I'm not.

Somehow I have to calm down the 'children' inside. I'm trying to be gentle, but I have construction workers and plumbers here for the day. So I have to 'act' like 'me' when I am not 'me' right now...if that makes sense.

Sorry for dumping. OH! And I can't have any coffee because I have heart testing tomorrow morning! I am addicted to coffee and iced tea. (I drink 16 oz of coffee in the am--and I got up early to get that in, but I drink 2 30oz mild iced teas a day.)

Any ideas on what to do or how to talk to T about her not calling me back? I go from black to white: Either apologizing profusely for calling her to wanting to blame her and lash out that she wasn't there when I needed her...again. I need balanced responses.

schrödinger's cat · March 11, 2015, 06:33:48 PM

Oy yoy, I'm afraid I don't know all that much about balanced responses either. Hm. Let me think. Do you think it might help you if you wrote down beforehand what you want to tell her? For me, writing is usually easier because the other person isn't physically present, so there's less pressure. Also, I can take my time, walk away from it and let my feelings cool down and then come back. So this isn't a surefire thing, but sometimes it helps. It doesn't need to be detailed, just a few crib notes.

Write down what happened, then write down how it made you feel, then write down what you'd like to happen in the future. (And when you write down what you feel, apparently writing "I feel as if" or "it feels like" or "I feel that you..." doesn't count, it has to be a real feeling.) I got that from a course on how to parent teenagers. So I'm still trying to learn that myself. But it sounds useful.

Also, maybe it's a good idea to ask her why she didn't call back? And then you could ask what you'd best do if such an emergency ever happens again. If she isn't available at certain times of day, then maybe she can tell you that beforehand? It would still be difficult to endure, but at least you could have a realistic chance to tell yourself: "She's simply just visiting the Innercity polevaulting championship, it's nothing to do with you."

Your fears of getting too attached to your therapist and then getting abandoned - now, I've only had a short bout of therapy, and I've no earthly idea how this is supposed to work, so this is just a question, not advice. But do you think it would work if you made that one of the topics your T and you worked through? Abandonment sounds like one of your biggest topics, so your relationship with your T could be a testing ground? Baby steps? Do you think you could ask her to work out a road map with you - a strategy for taking baby steps towards a relationship that works for your T and for you? These are just questions, because I've no idea what therapists usually do. And maybe bringing that whole thing up is too big of an emotional risk for you right now. You'd know best.

Are there additional resources you could use? In my country, some charities have volunteers you can phone if you need to just unburden yourself when you're in a crisis. Do you think that would work? If there is something, would it be a good idea to give them a call while you're feeling relatively fine? Because if you're like me, then reaching out for help is going to be SUPER difficult when you're in the middle of a crisis. Testing the waters while you're feeling a bit braver lets you tell yourself later: "Relax, we've already done this and it worked the first time around, so maybe it's going to work now."

As for the rest - I'm feeling sick now, I think. Not because of the toilet thing, but simply at the massive size of what you endured. This is horrifying. I'm amazed that you survived, if I'm honest. You must have been one resourceful and clever child. You deserved praise for taking care of yourself so well. From what you write about this terrifying event, it sounds as if a part of you died that day. There are no words for this.

Anamiame · March 11, 2015, 07:36:58 PM

Cat: I like the part of writing down what I want in the future. I never thought of that.

Also, the statements you mentioned? They are called 'cover up blaming statements.' I feel that you never listen to me. Take off the I feel that and you have a blaming stated, "You never listen to me." Those are destructive. I find that when I'm really upset about something someone else has done, it's hard to stop and think of what you are really feeling because anger is a 'cover up' emotion that holds the true emotion down. So someone broke my vase (true.) I'm angry that YOU broke my vase--is a blaming statement. But, I'm really upset that my vase is broken because I loved that vase and can't replace it. It feels to me that the things I truly care about somehow get taken from me." That is expressing my true feelings. (This really happened, the dogs broke my vase. LOL)

Since I've been with T 12 years, we have talked at length about my fear of abandonment. Prior to committing to this therapeutic relationship, I journaled my feelings about her not returning a business call. I spelled it out in terms of the different parts of me's reaction to it. She sat down with me and answered all of them, stating that on Sunday, she really really tries to be focused only on her family. It wasn't a big issue at the time, it was just reconfirming a new appointment time. But the impression I got then was, if I truly needed her, I could call. She knows ALL of this.

I am just really vulnerable right now. On the outside, I might be 53 year old fat lady; but on the inside, it's well, shattered and right now feels like the 9 year old, curled up in a ball, trying to protect herself from getting hurt again. The 'adult' in me has her hands on her hips, looking at what's happening and questioning...not the little girl, but the 53 year old fat lady, "How could you let this happen to her again?"

Also, with the writing. I've been giving her my journal entries and she said two sessions ago that it wasn't really working because by the time she read them and could ask the questions, the moment had passed. I agree with her. I think that is the core of the problems I'm having. I'm re-experiencing all of these things alone and I can't call; I can't write and I don't know how else to 'touch' her--even for a second--to feel secure and safe. I honestly, HONESTLY don't think she understands that. She's a good person and has over the last three months, done just about everything right. But this is the biggest issue/hurdle I've had. I either end up running after getting hurt or being terminated for being 'too needy.' You can't win for losing.

Paradise by Coldplay
Demons by Imagine Dragons.

My two theme songs.
'

schrödinger's cat · March 11, 2015, 08:45:48 PM

That's interesting, what you said about the blaming statements. I've never heard it spelled out this clearly, I only heard that one should avoid the "I feel that" kind of thing. This makes absolute sense, thank you for pointing it out.

What you say about your therapist - ugh, I'm stumped. It sounds like you've done all you could to make her see your point, but there's still
this gap between you? Is that a good word? Some difference between what you'd need and what she's giving you.

I could relate to your need to 'touch' her and feel safe. I get this too, very often. It's like there's this habitual cocoon of loneliness around me usually, a huge wall of silence between me and everyone else, and I need to burst that bubble even for just a few moments so I know it's not really real. I need a few moments where I and someone else truly connect, and then a huge part of myself reacts with overwhelming relief.

I wish there was something comforting I could say, but I'm out of words. I hope things get more bearable for you very soon. Hang in there.

Anamiame · March 12, 2015, 01:35:20 AM

She did call late this afternoon. I was taking a nap. she was as if there is nothing wrong and told me that her concern was that I was too overwhelmed...which I am. So I will go tomorrow will show her what I've written here and in my journal and if you don't mind, some of the wonderful support I've received here.

I am going to tell her what I need...which is permission to call when I get over-sensitive/hypervigilant, etc. just to 'normalize me in our relationship. I swear, it was a 30 second conversation, I went back to sleep and woke up in peace. I hate that I 'need' that. But...I do.