Ana's Journey

[schrödinger's cat]

If it's what helps, then it's what helps. And why should you feel bad about it? If I break my leg, I need more things than if I didn't. It's just what is. You've been horrifically injured, so you need things that you wouldn't need if your parents had been real actual human beings with real actual brains and hearts. Granted, not every horrific injury can be adequately taken care of by people who are unprepared or who don't know how to do it. And then maybe it's okay to think "gosh, this poor taxi cab driver who's having to perform emergency lifesaving surgery on me because we're stuck in a blizzard and all he has is the google app on his phone and a Swiss utility knife." But to feel ashamed for needing that surgery? If you need it, you need it. It's nothing you chose, or created, or brought about by your own actions. It's something that happened to you. Same goes for the consequences of neglect and abuse. It happened, and now you walk with a psycho-emotional limp (as it were) and need crutches and the occasional massage. It's just what is.

Which you probably know yourself, but if you're like me, you keep on forgetting. I'm constantly having to relearn this. (Which is why the words trip so easily off my tongue by now - I've got plenty of practice in.)

But I'm glad to hear that she did call you back eventually, and that it helped. I hope you'll be able to work something out with her.

[Anamiame]

Hi Cat:

I wanted to update you on the situation with T.  I did tell her what I was feeling and what was going on.  So she knew everything that I felt from Monday and even put words to some feelings that I couldn't identify.  She had no issues at all with Monday and I asked her what her perspective on it was.  She said that if she felt I needed to be 'pulled' out of where I was (totally dissed) she would have done that but she didn't want to interfere with my process and was observing that closely. 

She confronted me on my phone call because I wasn't honest and straightforward with her about why I was calling.  Dammit, she was 100% right.  She told me that I need to tell her it's urgent and she will call back.  She's been gently confronting me on how I communicate and that I will either not complete thoughts or talk 'in code' expecting her to understand what I am saying.  It's really very very hard right now for me to communicate in session. 

Her concern is helping me to not have panic attacks before session and to not be so overwhelmed right now. 

I was trying to explain to her at the beginning that it's the 'relationship' with her that has me in a tailspin.  This was a back and forth for a while because I couldn't explain it to her.  And this is where I felt the disconnect. 

I told her again that I've never gone this far in therapy or the relationship and it scares the bejebees out of me.  I explained that I can't run now because, before, I could shut everything down and put it back into the black box and get into my head and move on.  But I can't put things back into the box now and I can't put the pieces together without help now and that's terrifying.  She asked me why and I told her because I am trusting her/attached and she can hurt me badly.  She pointed out AGAIN, she hasn't left in 12 years--I was alsways the one to bail.  And she made me take ownership of that. 

She asked me an interesting question.  "Where did you go on Monday when you dissociated?"  (I call it zoning or spacing out)  I said nowhere.  She said, "Yes you did.  Where did you go?"  I don't know.  But she's right. 

Where DO we go when we dissociate?  I think I'm going to make that a post on the boards. 

And, I did give her a hug at the end...a real one, not the stone hugs I usually give. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hey wow. That sounds good. I mean, you still mention a disconnect in what you tried to say and what she understood. So that's bad. But if I understand you right, there was progress?    You seem calmer, like you feel more confident now or more in control. So in case that impression is correct: glad to hear it. All the best to you. 

I can relate to your feeling not safe when someone's too close to you. I've learned that safety is only found in aloneness. Aloneness isn't pretty, but if I want to be truly safe, I need to NOT need anything from anyone, because that way lies abandonment. (Unlearning this mindset is a bit easier now, because I'm now aware that my childhood wasn't in fact normal, and that my mother's behaviour towards me is bizarre and sometimes creepy. While I still thought everything was normal, I thought that abuse was also normal.)

So any real relationship that lasts feels like a huge leap into uncertainty. Simply because I've never done this before. There's no script. I've no idea what to expect. The only things I do know to expect are highly unpleasant.

[lonewolf]

Ana, thanks for sharing. Very insightful. It sounds like great progress for you. I hope you feel that it is. Your therapist sounds like a good one. Not afraid to be honest with you, but also very sensitive and caring. I definitely think you should start a thread on "where do you go?" when you dissociate. I don't think I even know the answer, but it's something worth exploring here.  And congratulations. It really sounds like you had a breakthrough. 

[Anamiame]

Thanks Lone Wolf and Cat. 

Cat, I was able to finally get the point across.  She was talking about why I would mask my call in needing to make sure SHE was okay instead of just saying that I needed help.  She said that my message did not sound like an emergency and that was why she didn't call back right away.  Had she known that I needed her, she would have called back right away.  She asked me why I did that and I told her that the only way to be safe and to not have people abandon me is to take care of them first no matter what I needed.  If I don't take care of them, then I put myself in a place of danger of getting hurt.  So it's like a frenzy to make sure everyone else is okay so that I can be safe. 

I never realized that before the words came out of my mouth.  Her only request was to be honest with her.  She doesn't have any restrictions on me calling. 

Everything is changing.  Even since Thursday, it's ...  surreal.  I've had more revelations that although shattering, somehow alleviated the panic and anxiety.  I'm handling things.  Even today--I had to see my brother at my niece's wedding.  It was for my niece.  But once I walked away, that was the last contact I have to have with family.  It was like closing a chapter in my life. 

I would have thought that the wedding would have thrown me into a tailspin and that I would have needed to talk to T.  But...whatever happened in session; I somehow...internalized...her?  How to calm myself?  I'm *okay.* 

[schrödinger's cat]

Wheeeeee!!      Wow, that sounds brilliant! What a reversal!

I'm glad that you're okay.    And congratulations on having seen the last of your FOO. Freedom! A cause for celebration if ever there was one.

[Kizzie]

You're 'okay' and that's absolutely wonderful - you have your self to lean on, to count on now.

[lonewolf]

Brilliant! What a huge shift. I'm happy for you ana! 

[Anamiame]

Boy, it's been a while since I posted here.  SO much has happened in the last several weeks and I'm not even going to begin to try and explain it all.  All I can say is, it's been a bumpy road and I have to take it one day at a time. 

Friday, I was 'back' to the old me and what a welcome relief it was!  I was ecstatic.  I JUST want to stay there...be content at all times.  Not happy--happy is a fluctuating emotion whereas contentment is a state of being.  I just wanted to be back there and not have to deal with the heaviness of all of this. 

Today in session, I was pretty much back to the 'old' me.  Just happy.  There was no pain, or anguish, or ugliness that comes with all of this.  No fragmentation, dissociation or any other -tion thing.  Cheryl tried to get me in touch with that place, but it was blank.  I honestly tried hard--it just wasn't there. 

Deep down, I felt like that was NOT good.  Sort of like a warning siren.  Something was wrong.  Of course, I didn't tell HER that.  I could tell from the look in her eyes she already knew that. 

So that leaves me with the question...do I go 'back' there...or stay here?  I LIKE ignorant bliss.  It's quite nice.  But is it truly the best there is for me??  If I stay here; I stay in a place of isolation...of keeping others at arms distance because that's all I can handle (or be comfortable with).  However, if I go back and start this 'path' again, it will be torture again...agony.  But even with only a month or two under my belt, I can 'feel' the difference on the inside, just in that moment when Cheryl gives me a hug.  It's different--I don't just 'tolerate' it and endure because that's what I'm supposed to do--I can actually 'connect' and know that she truly and honestly cares for me.  (And no, I purposely did not say cares 'about' me).  It's torture, yes, but needed.  Very needed.  It's been 53 years of being needed. 

Do I really wanna turn my back on that???

Honest to God, I DON'T know. 

I just don't know.

[Kizzie]

Wow Ana, it sounds like you have a great T and are feeling more and more of a connection with her.

Are you turning your back do you think or perhaps just taking a break? Recovery uses up a lot of energy and sometimes it's helpful (necessary?) to recharge our batteries.  Just a thought FWIW 

[Anamiame]

Thank you so much Kizzie and BeHealthy: 

Your posts are words spoken in time.  More than you could possibly know.  I can't thank you enough!




Amy

[Anamiame]

I don't think I realized just how tumultuous this journey was going to be.  I've spent the last two months or so being devastated once I accepted just how deep the damage is emotionally.  More than anything, I've been trying to find a way to 'say it's not so' and yet I only dig myself in deeper to the fact  that it is true and it is real. 

Last week, I experienced something that I don't remember experiencing before--two full days of being in a dissociative state and not knowing how I got there or why.  I tried everything to pull out of it, but nothing was working.  It's over now and I'm pretty sure I know what it was about now and will process it through tomorrow with my T.  I'm also finding that I'm 'losing' information alot more now...like having read an article and having no recollection of it's contents whatsoever.  It's like my brain is working overtime to keep me in the dark regarding areas that I am not yet ready to deal with.  Our brains are amazing in how they work to attempt to protect us from what is perceived to be a threat. 

I think that one of the most devastating realizations over the past four months is that 'this'...'this journey...' this--whatever the * it is' is never going to fully 'end.'  It will always be.  The gift that keeps giving. 

It's been so incredibly hard in therapy as I struggle to accept my new 'reality' and I'm very fortunate to have a really good therapist.  I knew when I committed to this process in January or February that it was going to be a long road--but I don't think I fully understood what that meant.  A while back as I was saying good bye to my T at the end of the session, I was joking about her having to 'put up' with me for another 5 or ten years...and she looked at me and said, "We'll grow old together."  *, it's already been 12 years--she watched my kids grow up but I get it.  It's going to be a long journey.  And there's no turning back.