Ana's Journey

[Anamiame]

I JUST FOUND THIS!!!  I was wondering if there was something like this on this site!  YAY! 

I've been having such a hard time with this the past couple of weeks.  It was also so freaky for me--which is weird because I've known about most of this stuff for the past 30 years.  Denial is a powerful thing.  This site really has helped me in several ways, but I have to be careful NOT to do too much too fast.  Today I had a HUGE epiphany! 

Last Sunday night I was trying to do inner child work to regain some memories as to why I cannot sleep on my back.  That night, I had no problem staying on my back and the question was why?  It occurred to me that it was terrifying for the inner child, but not for an adult part of me.  There was more to it than just that==but that's all I feel comfortable in sharing. 

Then, I went back to try and work on the inner child and basically those 'inner child' feelings were no where to be found.  It's like there's a complete block between those two parts of 'me.'  PLEASE understand if you are reading this, I'm not talking DID, I'm just talking me.  I compartmentalize E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G...so I look at it as fragments (Secondary Dissociative Disorder).  However, those to aspects of me can never ever be around each other--like the IC does not know that the sexual me exists.  It's not safe. 

I mean, this REALLY freaked me out.  I started to do research on it and the more I read, the harder it got.  Then, I went to my journal and simply wrote, "F... this!" and stopped journaling.  Of course, I was reacting like an angry teenager.  That was interesting too.  From there, I got three days of just being 'me.'  Normal me.  Still, over time, I found this site and started reading even more.  I found the Freeze type and every word of it was me.  Reading that it's the hardest to work with kinda crushed me--but I knew it was true.  I've known that since...well, forever.  But I felt crazy. 

Until today.  I had posted about using dissociation on purpose.  I was trying to explain it to someone and used a house as an analogy.  The house is me--it's singular.  But inside there's many rooms.  Each room has a purpose to keep the occupants alive AND happy.  So really, you need all those rooms to survive.  THAT's me!  I can easily and purposely go to any room (that I know of) and utilize whatever I need in that room.  And, I can leave a room if needed and come back later.  It makes it SO much easier for me to accept and realize, I'm not crazy at all--just very....organized. 

When I was practicing, I used a house as a guided imagery for my clients...one I had made up.  I'd have them imagine a house.  It's their house...they own it.  It's comfy and where they live.  They are inside and I tell them to imagine smelling dog poop.  The stink is starting to invade their home.  It gets stronger and you decide to go investigate where the smell is coming from.  You open the front door and someone has piled dog poop on your front porch, blocking you from getting out of the house.  I have them stay there for a minute until they start to get upset/angry.  The stench gets worse and soon, there are flies invading the house.  I tell them that there's a shovel in the closet.  Many times, the owner is so angry that they just sit there, stewing, wanting whoever dumped the poo to clean it up.  But whoever dumped it could care less about cleaning it up.  It's your house.  It's up to you to clean it up.  You have every right to be angry, furious that someone would do that to you!  You can let that keep you from cleaning up the mess or you can get the shovel and start shoveling the S...poo.  It's a dirty, filthy stinking job and YOU have to clean it up.  But once you start shoveling, you notice that your neighbors and friends come with their shovels and start helping you shovel your way out of the S...poo. That's our journey.  WE didn't create the crap we have to deal with--our perpetrators did; but we can't wait for them to come and clean it up...because if they did that to us in the first place, what makes you think that they are going to be there to fix it? 

This is the next level of my journey with my house!  I'm almost giddy with excitement.  I went to take a nap and was sitting on the edge of my bed and I realized--and actually said out loud--"I can do this."  It's been so overwhelming and I wasn't handling it well.  Now, I feel like I can truly move forward and take care of myself while doing it!

[schrödinger's cat]

Yay!    Congratulations on your breakthrough!

Did you ever come across the "ego state" concept? What you wrote reminded me a lot about it. Let me see... yes, we had a thread about it here. What do you think, would that fit?

[Anamiame]

I knew of different ego states, but never heard it explained like that before.  It really fits perfectly for me.   

I'd write more, but didn't sleep last night and am super foggy today.   

[schrödinger's cat]

Sleep well, then. - I actually used your house analogy today: I was starting to have a mild EF, and then thought about this concept of having compartments, like a house that has a kids' bedroom where they're happy and safe, and where I can ask my inner child to stay while I'm sorting out the difficult stuff, and it made a difference. There was a sense of relief, and I had a clearer head and more confidence. 

[Anamiame]

YAYAYAYAYAY!  It does help, doesn't it?

[Kizzie]

I'm with Cat, I like your house analogy. I hate(d) the idea that I have to shovel away someone else's 'gift' to me, but that is life and once you get by that and pick up the shovel things do get easier.

Sorry to hear you've been struggling but glad to hear you understand why and that you need to go slowly. I find it really hard going slowly ("I want this over and done with RFN!"), but I've also come to accept (most of the time) that I need to do so to protect myself because there is a lot to deal with. 

Happy shoveling!  (Not "happy" so much but you know what I mean)   

[Anamiame]

Kizzie:  I have this gut feeling that you and I are very much alike. 

Had therapy today.  I seriously feel like I'm going to puke.  I feel so sick to my stomach. 

Damn her!!!  She did EVERYTHING right!!!  God, just f...ing screw up so I can run and blame it on you.   

I realized in the car HOW much I told her and even just thinking about it makes my stomach turn.  What the * did I do?!  I feel so vulnerable right now...to the point that I am shaking.   

I'm sitting here, zoning out--trying not to cry and then I realize my finger is scraping my tooth so my hand is slightly covering my mouth, which I sucked my fingers as a toddler/kid. 

There's no turning back now.  I don't know what the heck I was thinking

I wanna disappear under a rock.

[C.]

Hi Ana,  I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, that's hard.  I wonder if your T knows how difficult and painful this was and about how triggered you felt afterwards?  From what you said it sounds like she might want to know.  What you did took real courage.  I really don't have the words. 

I was brutally honest with my T and allowed myself to "feel" about two weeks ago.  My T is a "good enough" match, never advising or giving directives and simply "praised" my honesty.

I am happy that we are both learning to trust and use therapy for real, honest healing. 

I hope that things get easier for you soon and you find ways to help yourself through this triggering event from today.

And I also want to just say it's great that you are reaching out here and becoming aware and taking risks.    Busy day! 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Ana, I hope you're feeling somewhat better by now. You sounded profoundly shaken in your post. 

[Anamiame]

Thanks so much for the encouragement C and cat. 

I'm doing better today.  After I posted, I went upstairs and all the sudden a memory I couldn't recover for 30 years flashed back.  I got a really bad headache afterwards and I don't know if that is common, but I'm sure it had to do with that. 

I tried to go to sleep early, but couldn't so came back downstairs.  My 20 year old son was up, and he is around me more than anyone else.  So I felt I needed to tell him what was going on.  He went with me to the funeral and got a glimpse into how messed up she was, so I didn't have to explain a lot.  But if I need space, I can ask for it without people getting upset. 

C, I thought about calling my therapist.  We talked about that yesterday too.  She told me that I always so professional on the phone and it's always straight to the point and done.  I told her that therapists in the past have told me I was a 'chronic' caller--which shamed me horribly and again, slapped my hand when I reached out.  I've only ever called my T once--when I found an item I used in SI in a place that had to be put there within six months of finding it--and I had NO memory of it at all.  Once in 12 years for a crisis call, I don't think I've done too badly.  LOL.  I'm seeing her tomorrow so I think I can wait. 

I'm really tired today.  But I'm okay.  Tired, but okay.   

[Kizzie]

Ana, I am so glad to hear that you are having a better day today.     

Therapy sounds like it was really rough, but you let yourself be vulnerable and open and that is recovery.      It sucks that it feels awful and crappy but for good reason, there are things from our childhood that were incredibly frightening and so very deeply scary that it takes everything we have to look at the trauma and yet you did. 

And your T did not run away or shame you, she was there for you and she will be there for you and I understand how that's really scary too. It means that the things we knew as children (never trust anyone) may not be true as adults and that's like having your world tilt sideways. No wonder you feel like you were run over by a great big truck 

So maybe now is the time for some rest and take a break and do some quiet things to let all the stress seep away. Are there things you like to do that will help with soothing yourself? 

[Anamiame]

Thanks Kizzie~

I'm, of course, zoning out while playing computer games.  LOL  Sudoku makes you have to think about numbers instead of racing thoughts.     I'm waiting for the repair guy and when he comes, I promised myself a trip to Starbucks for my fav Iced Tea.  Then, despite being fat (yes, EDNOS but in recovery) my son and I are going shopping and I am going to get a pair of black jeans for the 'angry' teen.  I've refused to buy them because of my weight but decided last night, what the *?  I need pants...so, taking care of 'me.' 

[Kizzie]

You go girl!   

[schrödinger's cat]

Yay! It sounds like your distress was more like a kind of birthing pain for that memory? Annoying and agonizing, but productive. So at least it was good for something.

I like your jeans idea. Have fun!

[Anamiame]

Cat...that's exactly what it was like...is like.  Ugh.  Got my Iced Tea so I'm a happy camper!