Stupid things said with amazingly good intentions

[ah]

I extremely rarely see people anymore. But when I do, they either attack me (usually) or try to encourage me (very uncommon, sweet but hysterically hilarious) in the least effective ways possible. Frankly, I'm not sure one is better than the other. The first leaves me with more EF's than the second, but just slightly more.
I've started a list of attempted ways to encourage a suffering person (because there's of course no such thing as suffering) with the best of intentions but very little wisdom. So far I've got:

1. But you look great! Color in your cheeks! You're full of life!
    (Erm, that's what make-up is for, right? You realize it hides things?)
2. But aren't you used to it by now?
    (Short answer: no. Long answer: no, I'm not.)
3. Don't worry, people don't die from what you've got. They just suffer a lot.
    (Untrue, and just a little creepy to be honest. Would you find endless misery comforting?)
4. You just complain and complain. You'll outlive us all.
    Variations on same theme: My sister died at age X, people die young in my family, I've got the genes for wobbly toes, yours is nothing! (Detailed long story follows)
5. You take less pain killers, I saw you! You're getting better! Busted!
    (Yeah, cause when I pop a pill in your presence you glare at me like I just swallowed the devil. Medicine makes sick people better. Medicine good. Pain bad. Repeat after me.)
6. I just wish your mood improved.
    (If I said "Yay!!! I'm sick and dying and in agony 24/7!!! Happy!" with a huge grin I'd still be sick. And incidentally, nuts)
7. You won't join us? Hmm, homebound, you say? Well, well. Let me know if you change your mind, eh?
8. Yes, well. Hmm. When you feel better, let me know. And if you change your mind -
9. Disabled, you say? Well, if you change your mind...
10. That time after I sprained my back and had a spiritual awakening and then I got special powers from the universe, I realized I can heal people. So listen, I can heal you. You may get a bit of cognitive side effects afterward though.
      (Like what exactly, word salad? Memory problems? Saying to a dying cripple who's been and is abused that the universe chooses to bestow special powers on temporary, spontaneously healed sprains with a straight face?)
11. But don't you want to ___ ___ ___ ? (fill in the blanks with anything from washing by yourself to completing a Post Doc, to reaching old age, to not writhing in pain, to not being asked that)
      (I need a Bang Head Against Wall gland replacement)


A friend I once had once told me if you really must think, thinking well seems better. Ah well. Rare, that.

I was wondering if anyone else had other pearls of silliness that were offered to you with good intentions.
(I could use the comic relief)

[Deep Blue]

1. I know exactly how you feel.   (Hmm... exactly? Actually you don't have the first clue because I keep everyone in the dark and this the mask I wear for you)

2.  You just need to be more positive. (If I had a dime every time I have heard that one I could buy an island. If only fixing my past was a matter of being more positive)

Honestly I know these people mean well... but it doesn't make me want to facepalm any less.

[Cookido]

ah, if only people could think twice before talking sometimes. DeepBlue, I got an impuls to upvote your post haha. It was pretty spot on and I recognize those responses.

"Maybe it's the warm weather?" My therapist said that after I talked about how I felt dissociated. No, I'm not feeling dizzy, tierd, unfocused and off because of good weather, that's not why I go to therapy.

She is a nice lady though.

[woodsgnome]

A couple that pop into mind are:

You create your own reality.

Someone with your talent should do better.

You just need to make better choices.

If you'd only think right, this wouldn't happen to you.

Everything happens for a reason.

You're just a mistake waiting to happen.

You can't fool God like you think you're fooling us.

And of course the classic...just get over it.

I fear I could go on, but my only takeaway is that the messages all boil down to the same thing--the world is better off without me; I don't count, it's my own fault, I'm a lost cause.

[Rainagain]

Ah

I'm so impressed that you can see the humour in that load of old nonsense,

The 'don't worry, people don't die, just suffer a lot' really made me laugh, its so monty python. hope you don't mind. 'Let me know if you change your mind' - priceless wisdom there, again, reminds me of Monty python. I think you should have reached for the holy hand grenade of Antioch in both cases.....

I don't talk to people really so don't have similar examples, WG yours aren't amusing to me, they arent hapless comments, they contain deliberate malice, very hurtful.

Like this one:

I am reminded of a situation 27 years ago, my wife and I were trying for our first child and she had been told that she was pregnant with twin foetuses but had to have emergency surgery as they were non viable. I got the call at work and had to leave immediately. The bosses secretary (an infamously vile person) said dismissively 'well, at least you know you have it in you'.
I just looked at her like she was an alien. I think maybe she was.

Had a great piece of dark humour from a friend years ago, he had a great sense of humour and a very unpleasant progressive chronic pain situation and he knew about my stuff too. I was explaining that my old tattoo was of cranes, a bird which signifies good fortune. He said 'well, that didn't work did it', we both looked at each other and then just laughed and laughed.

[ah]

Deep Blue,
"I know just how you feel" 
clairvoyance seems to be on the rise along with thinking right. Sigh.

Cookido,

"Maybe it's the warm weather?"

That's... wow... almost beyond belief.
Maybe it's the warm weather. Or is it the damp? You can never discount the small things. What's abuse and long term suffering in comparison to temporary weather patterns?

Rainagain,
You could maybe keep adding more tattoos till it works. It was bound to work by the time you reached your earlobes.
And your old boss' secretary sounds to me like a sadistic psychopath. Sort of thing my F would enjoy saying, very alien.

Woodsgnome,
I agree with Rainagain. They sound malicious.
Got any that are just as stupid, but without the added twist of malice? Maybe..?
I'm trying to imagine what I meant by that. (not sure, I'm mostly gone) for example, instead of

"If you'd only think right, this wouldn't happen to you."
it might turn into a more general but equally useless
"But you know, it's important to think right." or "We create our own reality."
I don't know if this makes sense but maybe kind + stupid messages boil down to: the world is good, safe and beautiful and bubbly. If you disagree with me on that you'll be punished. Don't ruin my view of it all.
Maybe unkind + stupid (or even worse, unkind + smart) messages are saying: Who cares about the world? It's You who's the problem.
I don't know if it makes sense.

P.S. Maybe one of the best I've heard in the past year has been the following, in an email to me after I said something about my health deteriorating and writing being a bit hard: "Still not dead yet!"

[Rainagain]

I could have more tats than queequeg, still wouldn't help!

I think you are on to something ah. When people sound daft it might be because our situation doesn't match with their snug and safe world view, and they can't mentally jump over to see what our lives contain.

My biggest annoyance is when people say 'everything happens for a reason'.

To me its a sort of insubstantial meaningless justification for some stuff that just should never happen, ever.

The only fitting response would be a punch on the nose, with the reply 'that happened for a reason'.

[DecimalRocket]

I guess I can relate having my disabilities err. . . confused. Mine aren't the type that gets worse over the time though. They're more delays in neurodevelopment that get better by having the practice to catch up with people my age. I also have a weird amount of accelerations in other areas. Weird.

1. So you're oversensitive to noise? Why don't you just wear headphones?
(No, noise can be literally painful to me to the point of tears when I stay too long.)

2. Why aren't you coming with the rest of us? Relationships are important.
(No, crowded areas make my senses overly sensitive and I like being alone.)

3. You're so lazy to write notes in school. Get your own notes instead of borrowing some.
(Hey, my handwriting skills are delayed. Come on. I have to save up my hand energy for tests than notes.)

4. Hey, stand up when you have a presentation in front. It's not that hard.
(Hey, sometimes when I'm intensely stressed like during a performance my sense of balance gets wonky and I walk like a drunk person. Give me a seat, man.)

5. Why don't you try some new food for once? Your tastes are so bland and boring.
(I prefer my taste buds to be not so sensitive that I throw up most new foods.)

6. *Talks over me*
(Sigh. I tend to hyperfocus in a topic and have trouble switching attention sometimes. Wait for me a little to think through my words.)

7. That's a joke, right? Haha.
(Hey, I'm serious. Sometimes I'm a bit socially clueless.)

8. I think it'd be better if you just focused on where you're going.
(Hey, I have a motor control delay. I'm going to be a litttleeee clumsy.)

9. You're not socially delayed. You're just slower to get people.
(I don't recommend denial.)

10. Oooh. Aren't aspies geniuses at STEM? Maybe that's why you're so smart at it. Einstein was autistic.
(No, with Einstein, it's theorized, not confirmed. Not all aspies are STEM geniuses. Call me smart because I particularly have worked hard at it and are good at it, not because of a stereotype. But yes, I'm possibly a bit of a savant in some areas.

11. You just need to believe and work harder for confidence. Acceptance is giving up.
(There's value in acceptance, you know? In taking a break.)

12. I think you're overthinking by reflecting on your life deeply like this.
(There's such a thing as underthinking.)

13. Why don't you enjoy the present and relax with something less complicated?
(I relax by thinking of complicated things.)

14. Can you remember me when you become as famous as Bill Gates?
(Bud, expectations as high as that have been giving me intense pressure and stress my entire life. Besides, book smarts doesn't mean change-the-world smarts. There's also confidence, emotional regulation, social skills, organization, handwriting at least . . . sigh.)

15. But you're a genius. You'll figure it out.
(Smarts doesn't mean life goes perfectly smoothly, you know? Smart doesn't mean omniscient and no failures..)

16. I think you'd look more presentable if you stopped fidgeting all the time. Other people might find it annoying.
(Stimming [repetitive movements] is crucial to my sanity because it regulates my oversensitive senses.)

Yeah. Life is err. . . has some wonders.

[Deep Blue]

I had another thing said to me today and I thought should add it.

"Calm down" when people tell me to calm down, I feel like it negates my feelings.  Why can't I be upset? Why can't I express it?!?

Plus these people have no idea how hard it that actually is for me.  I try to ground and do breathing and it's still hard