New here/could use some help finding my place (Trigger Warning)

[Alias]

Hello all,

Sorry for the long post.  Looking forward to meeting some people here and sharing some mutual support, but I am not sure where I belong on this forum (adult or childhood).  Maybe someone can help...

I was recently diagnosed with c-ptsd and dpdr (depersonalization/derealization disorder).  While, in retrospect, my relationship with my parents growing up may have been emotionally abusive (not really sure how to qualify that) and set the stage for later problems, my most significant period of trauma occurred within an abusive relationship from the ages of 14-20.  Here are some brief summaries of the situations:

Upbringing:
My parents divorced when I was a toddler.  I lived with my mom, whose pattern was to get angry over something and not tell me about it.  Generally, she would refuse to talk to me/avoid looking at me/do things "angrily" for a week or so until I built up the courage to "detonate the bomb".  When I finally got her to tell me what I did wrong, she would yell (sometimes for hours) about how I left a glass on the table last week/never listen/am selfish and don't care how much I inconvenience people.  I would apologize until she begrudgingly accepted, and the cycle would start over in a couple days.  When she remarried, my stepdad was friendly, but had an explosive temper with no buildup.  He would be calm and friendly, showing no signs of irritation, then explode out of nowhere (usually from me talking too much).  Afterwards, he would immediately return to "calm and friendly", and pretend nothing happened.  Both of my parents were extremely adamant about suppressing any "negative" thoughts/emotions.  I got a lot of "don't ever give me that look/tone/attitude".  If I was in pain (sick, scraped a knee, etc), I "the look" warning me not to cry.   

Relationship (14-20):
When I was 14, I got into an abusive relationship with a boy at my new high school.  In the beginning, he told me all the time about how "special" I was...how (unlike other girls) I was "selfless" and "aware".  It quickly devolved into a nightmare of abuse and control.  He claimed to be "possessed by a demon" when he forced me into sexual acts and praised my "selflessness" for "taking care of him".  Even when not "possessed", he did things like calling one of my friends who lived out of town, convincing her that he literally killed me "because I made him mad", then convincing her to try and comfort him for being sad about it.  He did this in front of me just to prove he could.  Every night for 6 years, I had to tell him "stories" about him having sex with other girls, sometimes kids.  If I took too long or fell asleep, he would threaten to kill himself, or just hit me until I woke up.  Once, he dragged me out of bed by my hair and locked me out of the apartment naked at 3am.  He cheated on me with several women, occasionally promising their SOs they could have sex with me "to make it even".  They occasionally took him up on it.

Now (20-28):
I have been out of that situation for 8 years now, am happily married, and going back to school.  Evidently the pressure of school set off some issues I didn't realize that I had.  I didn't realize that I somehow stored the parts of my memories cataloging sequences of events separate from the components for physical and emotional feelings.  Now I am really struggling with dissociative issues, like losing large gaps of time with no memory of them.  Also discovered that I have not actually felt many emotions for so long, that I can't even tell when I have them (ie: not realizing tears are coming out of my eyes until they fall onto my paper, then being confused because I don't "feel" sad).  Everything is spiraling out of control and I'm trying to make some sense of my life.

Again, sorry for the novel.  I'm hoping someone can point me in the direction of the most appropriate section for my issues.  Let me know if any of you can relate as well.  Despite my emotional shortcomings, I've worked hard over the years to process this logically.  Maybe we can help each other. 

[Libby183]

Welcome to OOTS, Alias.

Many of us, myself included,  will relate to what you have described of your upbringing.  For me, the emotional abuse has had a much more profound effect than the physical abuse.

I have found this forum very supportive and very helpful and am making good progress now in dealing with adverse childhood experience.  Others here will,  I am sure, relate to the trauma of abusive relationships. 

I am sorry that you have had such stressful experiences, but pleased that you have found us.

Libby.

[ah]

Hi Alias 

My mon told me she used to be consistently ignored by her own mom. Her mom was a narcissist who would just ignore her own daughter for months at a time, since she was a baby. It sounds like severe neglect and emotional abuse to me, and I can see its effects on my mom now, many decades later. It's no small thing, nor is the emotional unpredictable home mess that you describe. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of it.

Also, repeating what we know best seems to sadly be common. Throughout my life I've fallen under the control of abusers over and over again like your dreadfully abusive relationship as a teenager. Childhood abuse can too easily just "naturally" continue on as adult abuse.

I think people overlap here on the site and there's absolutely no requirement restrict yourself to just the childhood / adult section. Maybe you can contribute to both and read in both? Each aspect of cptsd may give you an added way of looking at yourself.
Childhood onset or adult onset, cptsd is cptsd. No matter when it started, taking care of yourself now is essentially the same.

Maybe you simply belong here, no matter which sub-parts of "here" you pick first. There are so many sub forums, all are yours to join and try out. I'm glad you found your way here.

[Deep Blue]

Hi alias,

I'm glad you found us.  Welcome and I hope you find this forum helpful.  The people are very understanding and our shared traumas make us a gentle tribe.

[California Dreaming]

Welcome Alias  I agree that no matter where you post, you will find support. From a neuroscience perspective, your brain was still developing during your prolonged period of abuse. From my perspective, your mother and stepdad abused you. Your ex-boyfriend sounds like a sadistic psychopath/sociopath. I have been preyed upon by many of his type.

"Everything is spiraling out of control and I'm trying to make some sense of my life." I hope that you will continue to reach out to the OOTS community for support along your journey. It can be a safe place to process.

[Alias]

I apologize for the extremely delayed response.  It's pretty embarrassing, but I read all of your comments back in May.  I've kinda just been spiraling and lost the last few months.      Anyway, I just wanted you guys to know that I really appreciate the warm welcome and all of your encouragement, support, and insight. 

[Starfire60]

Alias, I think that may happen to lots of folks.  I know this last month has been that way for me...thought I paid the car loan,but didn't. Did manage to pay the rent, then went bust for the rest of the month.  At least there is food and roof.  I am trying to absorb a lesson I learned from a spider.  I was leaving work one morning and had an apt with "talk" my consuler. I had some time to kill, so just sat in my car, listening to music. Everything looked black and white in this dingy, filthy parking garage. The sun was coming up in front of me, a bit off the left , for the most part blocked by a dark stand of trees.  In the corner of the window was a spider web, undulating in the breeze.  The spider herself, was huge, a glowing orange ball, weaving her way clockwise into the center of her web.  I watched amazed, as she spun her net. The sun hit the top of th web and it shimmered in iridescent glow. Nouthing but this little corner had color. I sat captivated by the image.  So much I have learned from this, but for now simply, each day the spider does it again, starts anew, with a new creation of her life, her work. I try to remember, get up, start again, it's a new day. No matter what levels of * I may have sent mys3lf to I do get to chose to start again with each new day. And also, if we look, every once in awhile the mundane becomes magical

[Alias]

I like that.