Why is it so hard to make friends

[Boatsetsailrose]

Stupid title as I know the answer :
Attachment problems ...
But often I'm like 'really why do I have so few friends''. I have some but mostly scattered around the country. In my immediate life I am isolated. I know people like me and so it's not that - I know I work to be open and communicative
Maybe it's my low self worth and people sense that ?

[Eyessoblue]

Do you think it could be down to hyper vigilance, I'm very wary of people due to trust issues and often don't let myself get close as I worry about consequences I always keep slightly separate as if there is a brick wall between us, I too am very friendly and sociable once that brick wall comes down but I know I can come across as quite cold and slightly aloof as I need to keep that separation until I know I trust someone, just wondered if it could be the same for you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi eyes so blue
You put it so well, yes deffo this is an issue for me ..
I often don't know the middle ground I can be too full on but mostly I'm behind a wall. But I've noticed lately I do smile and stare a lot at people and have been wondering what this must be like for others.
I have to work hard to show myself and let people know who I am
Do I trust people ? Um not easily

[Deep Blue]

I agree with Eyes so Blue.  My hyper vigilance makes me have trust issues.  Often people will say something triggering to me and I write them off completely.  My T says friendship is a 2 way street.  I'm much more comfortable listening than sharing. She asked me to pick 1 person to open up to.... I couldn't trust anyone enough to, so I just didn't. 

[ah]

Hyper vigilance is related to it, for sure. I think for me it's two additional things (more than two actually, but two that are caused by cptsd maybe?):

The first is maybe the fact that safety and danger are totally mixed up in my mind, I had to become close to dangerous people and pretend they're safe enough to be around so I confuse the two, which leads me to really not knowing how to trust my own feelings.

And the second is that as a result, after a long enough list of abusers as an adult, I just gave up. I don't have any trust in people anymore, I don't have the necessary energy for it anymore.
Last time I actively tried was a couple of years ago. I was hurt very badly and I'm pretty much unable to try again now. I sort of compartmentalized it in my head: I care deeply about other people's needs but I don't know if I'd be able to believe anyone cares about my own anymore. In my experience, they don't.

All of which doesn't really apply here on OOTS, which gives me the feeling that a huge part of why it's so hard for us is that we feel so misunderstood. Here on OOTS I'm willing to mess up, feel rejected, feel confused, but it's all doable and okay because I know people here know cptsd and my sore spots are understandable to them. They're of my own kind.... I won't be victim blamed. It's different.

And in general, it does take energy to get close to others when you're in pain, to bridge the gap and get close to someone else. It takes vulnerability (which we suck at, I guess) and the willingness to be hurt, which we literally don't possess, and emotional resilience and self confidence and a lot of other things that are so difficult with cptsd.

And there are circumstances beyond our control. Age and so many other factors...

[Rainagain]

This thread is close to one I nearly started recently, but deleted.
I am isolated, I quite like people and am friendly (I think, no, I know).

I have a few trusted friends and some acquaintances I keep at arms length most of the time.

But I have noticed sometimes people react nervously or slightly aggressively toward me.

I have chronic head pain and frown without realising it due to the pain, I am hypervigilant and probably appear a little worrying.

My thought is this, do I appear a bit intimidating to everyone (I dont think so) or do particular people respond to me negatively because they are people who sense my hypervigilance and defended status so aren't going to get their kicks at my expense?

This is hard for me to explain, my suspicion is that I kind of draw negative emotions out of people who are up to no good in their relationships with others. I get along fine with most people, I am careful not to offer any offence to anyone yet some still have an immediate antipathy toward me.

When it happens its weird, in a conversational situation they and I both know its happening, they know I am aware of them, but I just seem to ignore it, take them on as a challenge accepted and we end up in a subtle contest.

It definitely originates with them, the negative stuff, I notice it coming my way, am invariably surprised and then focus on it.

I'm not talking about a precursor to violence, that has happened to me but is a very different type of encounter.

Maybe its bad people triggering my fight reaction in a polite contest.

Maybe I'm just a star hole.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

All good points. So validating.

I know for me because my issues stem from a narcissistic mother who is verbally and physically and emotionally abusive, as well as controlling, and yet I was grossly neglected for my entire 18 years at home, the end result is I don't feel like truly able to connect with people. Like my value and my worth are so low, and people don't really want to be with me. I don't know if I end up projecting that into the now so that it ends up being part of my life now. That's something I'm working on new this week. Have yet to talk to my therapist about it.

[Deep Blue]

I just felt the need to say this,
If you were to ask around, people would say I have lots of friends.  I tend to crack jokes and become an entertainer.  The thing is, putting on a show is easier to me than getting close to others.

Others describe me as their friend... but the truth is... I don't share my life with them. They like what they know of me.

[FrillyFarmGirl]

"They like what they know of me"
Yes!

[Eyessoblue]

 :heythere:Deep Blue, you have totally hit the nail on the head, this is so me, I'm so similar, I am the entertainer the one who makes everyone laugh people think I'm really funny but this too is me putting on the big act, yes I'm the entertainer yes I'm funny but don't get any closer to me, this is what I'm all about and just leave it there! Thank you for saying what you said it's really put this into perspective for me.
Boatsetsailrose;  I hope you get some comfort from this, the fact that you were a nurse shows to me what a wonderfully kind calm person you must have been, how you have helped other people.  There's no such thing as 'normal' everyone has their own story to tell and some quirkiness about them, please don't let your inner critic tell you otherwise, believe in the fact that you are a survivor, you have achieved so much and are just going through a self critical 'blip' in life, you deep down know you have a lot to offer in life, and if people 'seem' to not like you which I'm sure that is your inner critic again, then that is their problem, please don't be so hard on yourself, I for one think you have loads to offer, I relate well to you and enjoy reading your posts, I definitely wouldn't be wary of you but I'd see the positive outlooks that you bring to people's lives, I hope this helps you feel better about yourself.

[DecimalRocket]

Well, I can relate to finding it hard to trust people. I have trouble trusting people emotionally, and a bit of trouble understanding people intellectually. I do something similar to Eyessoblue where I joke around to cover up my more vulnerable self, especially when poking fun and laughing at my social clumsiness sometimes. But while it's healing at times, I still need certain people to take me seriously with emotional depth.

I have a habit of being a little too misunderstood in conversations. On OOTS, I can ponder on how to speak with more clarity but outside places like this, I get a little more complex than needed. I have all kinds of unique philosophies, views on life and personal definitions for different words that sometimes it feels like I've created a whole entire language of ideas in my solitude.

I grew up reading more books and online articles than talking to people in real life. I'm more influenced by the combination of different cultures I've read on those sources than I am in the culture of real life. I have too many difficult sounding and rarer interests/hobbies. 

Creating friends has become less hard. Creating deep friendships that are worthwhile is a lot harder. Harder when you're different.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you eyes so blue your response is so kind and helps me

[Deep Blue]

Eyes so blue and Frillyfarm girl,
Thanks for the validation.  I'm relieved I'm not the alone in this.

Boatsetsailrose,
I'm glad the words of eyes so blue are helping.  Take good care

[FrillyFarmGirl]

 
We are all so brave! All! So! Brave!!!

[Wattlebird]

Im so glad I found this site
I'm beginning to see most of my problems in life stem from complex trauma and not some deficit in my personality / character
This is me as well  I struggle to trust and therefore have very few friends