Hello

[bhupendra]

Hello,
My name is Bhupendra. I'm a 31 year old guy. I'm new to this site.
Many people over here had been through same or worse so I don't want to get into much detail and trigger anyone. I don't know where exactly to start with this. It's been years since many of these incidents happened. And I know the situation now is not as it was back then. That I shouldn't feel helpless and powerless. Sometimes I still struggle with some of the flashbacks and freeze. Yet the way I process and deal with them is gradually changing. The intensity of the flashbacks is not as strong as it had been in the past.
As a kid I had been an introverted person. Shy. Timid. Not assertive. Never been able to say 'No' to anyone when I should have.
I should have ran away from the abuse. Someplace safe. At least I won't have to deal with these flashbacks and triggers.

The source of most of the incidents and triggers is my mom. I know every mother is different. I won't say that my mom never loved me or had never ever been kind to me. There's barely any memory of it now. She's dead. An emotional landmine. She has her issues that arose out of her marriage. At times I even sympathized with her. Yet all the while she'd say that I'm worthless. That I should have never been born. That I would always be a burden. I internalized everything she said. Anything I did was never good enough for her. I was her trophy child. When I failed her my sister became one. Without ever realizing I was simply trying to fulfill her expectations, trying to make her happy, hoping that someday as a mother she'd at least understand my feelings and would stop abusing me. It never happened. On the contrary I started having very low self esteem, more new incidents to deal with. And whatever I did to make her happy and satisfied or to deal with her control and abuse started to reflect in my daily life. I became a people pleaser at some point in my life. I started feeling scared to develop close bond with people. It impacted my relationship with people.

In the past, at some point I even tried to open up to some people about the flashbacks and abuse... acquaintances, friends, some counselors, strangers online. Most people just said... 'toughen up', 'every mother is like that', 'let go', 'forget it', 'you're taking it too seriously' etc.

I know it'd require lot of work.
And that I can possibly never be completely free of this in my life. That I have to deal with this on my own. That I cannot expect anyone else... friends, partner, kids, classmates, colleagues, counselors... to understand. That I'd have to learn and unlearn many social and emotional skills. And put into action the ones which I already possess yet in my attempts to avoid further abuse am scared to use.
I know this would require many baby steps. I don't want to remain trapped forever and submit myself to the triggers, the flashbacks and go into a perpetual freeze. I don't want to just survive. I want to live.

[ah]

Hi Bhupendra 

I can relate to so much of what you describe. To not being able to say 'no' (I've improved a lot in the past year, but till then I just didn't know saying 'no' was an option for me. I didn't know I had a right to say it or to dislike or like things).

And people's clueless responses. "Just get over it" is one response I see repeating itself here on the forums.
Personally, I have a dissonance there: whenever anyone says something clueless like that I wish they'd suffer for a second so they could be more empathetic to others, but I also hope they'll never suffer even 1% of what we here went through (or still go through). I hope they'll never have to understand a thing, just continue to be blissfully clueless if it means the sort of pain you and I went through can be spared from them.

But I do wish they were just a bit wiser. Just a little bit. Sometimes..? For a fleeting moment, before they regressed right back to "Toughen up!" 
Please don't toughten up, on the contrary, I hope you soften toward yourself. Maybe that's a way to gain more control over such pain?

Maybe trauma can, over time, become like a vague, manageable chronic illness. Like an old scar that sometimes aches when the weather changes. We take care of ourselves on a daily basis and the symptoms subside, sometimes disappearing during remissions and other times they flare up and you need more intense work done temporarily. I don't know but it seems to me like a realistic way of looking at any sort of chronic pain, trauma pain included.

I'm glad you found us. I hope from the depths of my heart for you that you'll live, not just survive. I think that's a powerful statement.

[Deep Blue]

Hi bhupendra,
Welcome.

I should have ran away from the abuse. Someplace safe. At least I won't have to deal with these flashbacks and triggers.

This really resonated with me.  It is the same thing I have been doing work on.  I feel compliant in my abuse.  I never wanted to make waves.  My T says that "should haves" are dangerous. She said if we do it too much we "should have" all over ourselves.  Ha!

Anyway welcome and I hope you find this place helpful

[Blueberry]

Welcome bhupendra!  I hope you find this place informative, supportive and like a safe place.

I had a lot of problems with my M too. I know the 'burden' topic very well. I have next to no contact with her now, but it took me a long time to get to this stage of VLC (very low contact).

The concept of 'should' isn't very good for me and I think 'should have' is even less good. I think if we'd been able to make healthier choices earlier, we would have. But it's not so easy to escape the abuse, even as an adult. You have to realise it's abuse for one thing. I remained in contact with emotionally-abusive FOO far too long because I didn't recognise their behaviour as abuse.

Main point of all that: the abuse wasn't your fault! Here's some compassion (hands some over - if only it were that easy   

I love your final sentence "I want to live". That's so positive! And it's not a given. It also sounds as if you're making good progress already! Yay!

[Kizzie]

I don't want to hijack this thread but just wanted to check something Ah wrote:

And people's clueless responses. "Just get over it" is one response I see repeating itself here on the forums.

Do you mean people here at OOTS say that to other members because it isn't something I see much if ever here.  Or did you mean members complain about it being said to them by others on other forums?

Bhu is new and I wouldn't want him to think we are like that here as in my experience over four years we're not.    Of all people, we know only too well you can't just let go, don't be so sensitive, toughen up, pull up your socks, soldier on, let it go - any of the myriad of misguided, thoughtless things people say to us. 

[ah]

Do you mean people here at OOTS say that to other members because it isn't something I see much if ever here.  Or did you mean members complain about it being said to them by others on other forums?

Oops, sorry that was unclear. I meant to say many people here mention having been told "Just get over it..!" by other people they talked to elsewhere. So being told that seems to be something that many of us share. Sadly...

I know when I'm told to just get over it I shut up instantly, it feels like being slapped in the face. Last time someone I saw as a close friend told to "just get over it" was 4 years ago and it left its mark on me, I can still remember where and when it was and how I pretended everything was fine afterward even though I wanted to die inside. I couldn't imagine ever saying that to anyone else, and no one here would. The forums here are a kind, non judgmental, sane place.

[Kizzie]

Oh good, that's what I though but glad you clarified    It's unfortunate so many of us do face this I agree, it's so very invalidating and disheartening.   

[bhupendra]

But I do wish they were just a bit wiser. Just a little bit. Sometimes..? For a fleeting moment, before they regressed right back to "Toughen up!"
Please don't toughten up, on the contrary, I hope you soften toward yourself.

You're just a stranger to me. Still what you said, it means a lot. It's the first time ever someone said that to me. Yes, I have to soften toward myself. Just as I internalized all of my M's demoralizing abusive crap. I also started taking this 'toughen up', 'get over it'.... thoughtless stuff people told me too seriously as I didn't know any other way and thought as if it was the only way to deal with all the trauma and the unspoken pain. Toughening up has only led to more damage. It didn't help much with the abuse I was encountering. On the contrary, in my daily life it only sent wrong signals to others, as I tried to see people with a rigid mindset. It cost me many good opportunities for new friendships and growth.

I hope from the depths of my heart for you that you'll live, not just survive.

Thank you. I wish the same for you. ((((Hugs))))

My T says that "should haves" are dangerous. She said if we do it too much we "should have" all over ourselves.

Something insightful. Thank you Deep Blue.

I had a lot of problems with my M too. I know the 'burden' topic very well. I have next to no contact with her now, but it took me a long time to get to this stage of VLC (very low contact).

I just hope she's not abusive to you now. I wish I could reach the stage of VLC or NC someday. My sister is very much VLC now.
If it's a partner/spouse atleast one can break up. It isn't the same when one's abuser is a parent... one's mom or a family member.

Thank you everybody.
I think this forum is a good place to start.
I'm new here and to healing. I don't want to just 'deal with it' anymore. I want to heal. Can someone please guide me to an appropriate section?
(Please, nothing triggering or related to abuse. I just want to know ways in which I can manage and hopefully get out of this one day.)

P.S.- I'm from a Non-English speaking country. My English is not so good so please be patient and forgive any grammatical errors or anything that comes off as a contextual fallacy. Many a times online I had people misinterpreting what I typed or thinking that I'm weird. I know it's a drawback of textual communication. I wish my English and communication skills were as good as you people here. At least, I could more properly communicate and express my thoughts as you guys.

[Blueberry]

Your English sounds pretty good to me bhupendra! You might be glad to know that you're not the only non-native speaker on here. We're really a pretty friendly, kind forum. If someone is confused about what you mean, they might ask you. But nobody will laugh at you or criticise your spelling the way people do on other forums or comment sections. We all know too well how bad that feels.

An interesting section for you in healing could be http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0 Ideas/Tools for Recovery. Pinned at the top is the very successful Three Good Things a Day - taking the time to focus on the positive/successful in your day. Also: Neat Interactive Self-Care Guide. Self-care is difficult for many of us with CPTSD and it's also very important.

Most of us with cptsd (or probably even all of us) get Emotional Flashbacks, so it might help you to read about them http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2589.0

Also this book   "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," by Pete Walker (2013) is a standard work here. You can read it online too http://pete-walker.com/

If you have more specific questions, feel free to ask again.

Blueberry

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you for sharing
Your are brave , a survivor and on the next stage of your recovery
I send you all the blessings

[bhupendra]

Thank you Blueberry.

Thank you for sharing
Your are brave , a survivor and on the next stage of your recovery
I send you all the blessings

Thank you. Same to you Boatsetsailrose.
I don't think I'm brave or anything.
Surviving is a necessity for anyone.
I just wish people stop calling other people 'brave'. It only makes people who are currently trapped in an abusive environment or who for some reason cannot escape or share about their trauma with others feel bad about themselves.

[Blueberry]

Sometimes we (with cptsd) don't realise what strengths we carry in us. It could be Boatssetsailrose sees bravery in you. I could also see somebody being brave for a much 'lesser' step like just reaching out and joining here without saying much at all about themselves. For others who just read here and don't join, merely reading can be a brave step. Unfortunately, we can't send a message to those people.

I am taking note that you don't like being called 'brave'. Maybe Boatssetsail will get back to you on that.

It could be that 'brave' is a trigger word for you? Some of us on here (myself included) are triggered by particular seemingly innocuous words. There have been posts about that before.

[Boatsetsailrose]

My sincere apologies bhupendra so sorry to cause you offence. The context I meant it in as I do for me to is standing up and not accepting the aftermath, standing up and claiming  for myself a better life a thriving .. claiming the growth, re covering what needs to be worked with in order to reach equilibrium., finding the true me and standing in that. Unbinding the weights. Some never do, so many lost in various ways. I should learn to only speak for me and not put terms on others, you have reminded me of a lesson here bhupendra thank you.

I think I am brave to keep standing up Year after year and facing the very daunting and scarey task of fighting ( and I do find it often a fight) to face the psychological legacy of damage that has been left inside of me

[bhupendra]

Sometimes we (with cptsd) don't realise what strengths we carry in us. It could be Boatssetsailrose sees bravery in you. I could also see somebody being brave for a much 'lesser' step like just reaching out and joining here without saying much at all about themselves. For others who just read here and don't join, merely reading can be a brave step. Unfortunately, we can't send a message to those people.

Ok. From now on I will start seeing and accepting 'bravery' the way you described.

It could be that 'brave' is a trigger word for you? Some of us on here (myself included) are triggered by particular seemingly innocuous words. There have been posts about that before.

I don't think it is a trigger here. I often used to see it as a word that is associated with people who had gone through trauma or any mishap and are totally public about how they survived through it. Or with people who risked their own life to save or protect someone else's.
Personally, as I mentioned earlier I'm an introverted person and feel very uncomfortable with even genuine compliments I receive from people especially other adults. If I could I would shut all contact from the world. Go live and work at some peaceful place by the beach on some island. With only few people I care deeply about and who I trust and who feel the same for me. Yet I know it's just a dream.
I know many introverts do feel uncomfortable by attention or by the showering of compliments. I think on a subconscious level for me it's just that feeling of betrayal and abuse that makes me sometimes feel uncomfortable/scared with even the good things in life. Perhaps, some feeling like... 'It's okay that there's some good happening in my life. It's okay they're complimenting me. Still if I don't stand up to their expectations in future and give them better results they might start saying bad things about me.' I know it doesn't make much sense and should not matter much even if they do. It's my life not theirs. But with all these collective past experiences of abuse and control I experienced with my mother and even her ongoing onslaught of negativity I sometimes feel scared to receive even genuine compliments from someone or build close friendship with someone even if that person seems empathetic and approaches me. I know it needs to and have to change if I have to build better connections with people. To live the life many on this forum often dream of and try to get closer to it every single day even if sometimes the environment or the outside world shows no signs of any hope to reach there.

My sincere apologies bhupendra so sorry to cause you offence.

Hey, I think it is I who should apologize to you Boatsetsailrose. I'm really sorry if it triggered you in any sense.  I don't know any of what you went through in your past. It wasn't my intention to hurt you. Please, don't take it to heart. I was talking about people in general not you. I should have clarified it in my earlier post... well actually whenever I did open up to some people about the abuse. Some called me 'brave' as if mocking me and invalidating my experiences. I'm new to this forum. Please, don't hesitate to explain as Blueberry just did.

[Boatsetsailrose]

No worries at all bhupendra
I'm ok here, just bumbling through my day went to see t today ..
sending you best wishes

I've found the forum so supportive and helpful and have started coming back more recently. I am getting a lot of identification and not feeling so alone which I really value