Anyone else feel that they're a little too clingy to OOTS?

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DecimalRocket

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OOTS seems to have been the first place where people really get my issues -- instead of me having to explain through their misconceptions repeatedly. To be honest, I have a certain need for routine and support that makes me expect certain people to drop by for me at different times. I hold it in because of course. They have their own stresses to deal with and it'd be pretty rude to ask them to come all the time when I want to.

But having gone through most of my issues either entirely alone or misunderstood, I've gotten dependent on this place.  A part of me wants to be heard over and over again -- that more people would listen or spend more time with me -- but honestly, it never seems enough.

I wish I can learn to be a lot more emotionally independent so I don't have to bother people here that much. I've learned to nurture my own hurting little self more and more over time, but it just doesn't seem enough.

It's never enough.

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ah

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Re: Anyone else feel that they're a little too clingy to OOTS?
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2018, 12:51:33 PM »
Rocket,

You know, I get what you're saying but I see it a different way: writing and reading here helps you see your own habits and patterns. For example, realizing you have this strong need to be seen and heard. This is crucially important, once you see it you can learn more about it. You can't take care of a wound that was invisible before. I think that's one of the things connecting to others can help us achieve. It's very hard to do on your own.

I think it's maybe a matter of balance. Alone and together, complementing each other. No feedback can be dangerous because we easily cling to our own thoughts, and with nothing to counteract them it's hard to know which ones are good for us and which aren't. Self awareness can be harder that way.

And it can be more lonely too but that's a different topic  :whistling:

I know you can keep yourself entertained and busy. You don't feel bored being alone. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you or others either, it may just mean it's easier and less confusing. Sometimes a bit of confusion isn't a bad thing, growing pains for example.

Talking to others (here, and in other settings) can maybe help you watch more closely what you feel when you realize that you have a need for something.
When you want or need something, do you feel insecure and want to pull away? Does it become a trigger? What are the ways to tend to respond to these sort of triggers? Is part of it unrealistically self-denying, if so how much, when, where? What is it like when that happens? What helps you become more secure? All of these are questions that talking to others can help you explore.

Also, I don't think wanting things makes you clingy. One doesn't lead to the other. You have every right to need and want all sorts of things, from security to meaning. Having needs and wishes doesn't make you clingy, it doesn't mean you bother anybody, it makes you... well, very human.
At least, that's how I see it.

P.S.
I share the feeling, so I don't think the feeling that you're describing is "wrong", it's where you're at right now and that's good enough for me, it's what it is. I have an extremely hard time asking for anything or wanting anything from others, I'm so used to being rejected all the time that I feel very anxious around it.
The way I understand it, my needs were rejected and ridiculed and used against me since I was born, so I learned to reject them, ridicule them and use them against me by myself. At least that way I had a false sense of control over the situation, and I was less likely to get the full force of abuse. But it's a horrible medicine because it means I keep abusing myself and neglecting myself.

I don't know if you relate to it, but that's my point: not knowing is what makes human interaction so interesting. This is one area of life where, by definition, everything is messy and we have essentially have no control over what happens next. We can only do our best and often - usually - watch the complete chaos that may follow, then find and make order out of the chaos and start again. It can be frightening, I know it is for me. But just being frightened in itself isn't a good enough reason to stop doing something. You can be frightened, it's part of life sometimes.
Maybe a more interesting question is: is this anxiety, or is it only fear? How can I try to turn anxiety into manageable fear, so I can do things that are good for me and others even when they frighten me?

Maybe.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2018, 01:07:05 PM by ah »

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Kizzie

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Re: Anyone else feel that they're a little too clingy to OOTS?
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2018, 01:11:56 PM »
I felt quite dependent when I started here but I so needed support, understanding and to have a tribe finally.  We all need that and moreover we deserve it!  :yes:

FWIW as I went along I did learn to find other sources of strength and support both internal and external.  Maybe you thinking of yourself as "clingy" is a signal to yourself that you're ready to take a risk and spread yourself around a bit more? Just a thought  :Idunno:

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Deep Blue

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Re: Anyone else feel that they're a little too clingy to OOTS?
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2018, 01:28:53 PM »
I whole heartedly agree with Kizzie.

Maybe you are ready to take the risk?  :grouphug:

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woodsgnome

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Re: Anyone else feel that they're a little too clingy to OOTS?
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2018, 03:01:00 PM »
When I ran into the OOTS forum, first I realized it was describing my mental state of affairs quite accurately. The biggest surprise, however, was that it kept growing to encompass a deeper realization of everything this condition entails. I learned things about cptsd I'd never fully learn or understand in my normal state of isolation or even by reading someone like Walker. By the time I found it, I wasn't very confident I'd find some grand cure anymore, but I wasn't tolerating the condition and especially myself about living with a different outlook about this.

There also were some things happening that had gotten out of control--my only 4 friends in life all died in short order; we were a 'gang' of 5 reduced to 1. I'd also more or less fully retired from various vocational pursuits that I was too lame to continue in (the friendships just mentioned sprang from that vocation).

So I figured out an intro, posted it, and wondered if this was to have any impact. While an avid reader, I wasn't too keen on the internet's vague sort of illusory groupiness. But I also didn't have anything else that much involved my continuing struggles coming out of a cptsd-riddled background.

Having been around a while, I realized that one part of me--my need to share what I do know/feel/wonder slowly got a voice via some writings I posted here. As in so much of what I do, I reaffirmed I was a bit of a wanderer in most things, but I discovered commonalities here that I found no place else (or didn't dare to find; the rejection was worse than the sharing).

Sorry--I'm rattling on about myself so much here, when it's in response to your question about clinginess. I don't see what you've done since being on here as being at all clingy, DR. I envy your ability to come right out with what you need and want, which speaks to your having not only survived your pain and frustration at being stifled, but says a lot about your ability to reach for enough boldness to speak your truth. You share that you haven't been able to do this in some life situations, but you've done so here, so  :thumbup: for that.

I guess I threw my own experience in here as an example of someone else who wondered about becoming clingy here. I've gone through pockets of not feeling I'm connected here, but something bids me to still chime in when I think there's something that touches me or that I can contribute to (strong doubts about the latter, but it feels safe to speak here, which makes a huge difference).

Alright, I think you get my drift. We all have a tendency to let our inner critic yap  :blahblahblah: on about our foibles, but feeling connected is something I've decided, at least for now, that I need and can even be good at (witness the 4 friends...I brought them together initially).

I see the same process with your own involvement here. I suppose in the long run you don't really need it, but have found that without it you feel adrift. And that's alright, and definitely not clingy.  :hug:

 

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Anyone else feel that they're a little too clingy to OOTS?
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2018, 11:52:15 PM »
Thanks, Ah, Kizzie, Deep Blue, and w.g.  :grouphug:

Suddenly I feel a lot better today because of you guys, especially to Ah and w.g's posts, mostly because I like lengthy ones. Heh. But Kizzie and Deep Blue, I did manage to expand around a little.

I remember one of the biggest contributors to my own confidence was a political class/STEM classes in school and all the debates there in what to do. I filter more of my natural directness out of concern  But over there? I was allowed to be direct, and other people were also. Many people were both friendly and blunt at the same time ó and while I was too shy to join them most of the time ó I was a lot like them in that sense.

I could help people out and inform them as an expression of my own deep compassion, while still being direct as I am in my head, and that's amazing. I've gotten less overly blunt from spending so much time on OOTS and tend to come off as more kind as a result, while still being direct enough to make a point.

I admit Iím still a little . . . too blunt, but Iím working on it. Iíve gotten more socially aware, and Iíve noticed I can a little uhh. . .  :disappear: Sorry.

I found 2 real life friends I could debate and share information directly with. One guy has a more emotional idealistic perspective, while another has a clever excitable attitude with ideas. Both are intellectuals in different ways, and I like it.

Then I even had the courage to join in some wonderful online debates. Err. . . some people aren't as nice as me in controversial issues, but hey, I want to inform for other people to make better decisions and express ideas so I can be heard. Surprisingly, I take it well and it's incredibly freeing, or at least better than I thought.  :spooked:

I don't know. I guess it's because my mind is made to differentiate into differing opinions than be someone entirely relatable. So it's a funny way to belong, while still being different. Different in a way that we make each other grow.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 03:29:43 AM by DecimalRocket »