I still feel like I'm fighting abuse even though I'm not anymore

[goblinchild]

I used to experience abuse that revolved around school work. Now I feel like every time I do an assignment, it's like that assignment is "out to get me". Every topic or question feels like it's set up to be impossible or mess me up on purpose even if I logically know that question is easy or simple. I feel like I'm on-guard and beaten down every time I do school work. Even when I do really well and accomplish impressive things, I don't feel accomplished or satisfied. I feel like I'm stupid and struggling no matter what because that's how I felt as a kid.
I keep feeling like if I do well enough, I'll get positive attention. But even when that happens, it's never enough. I don't feel like anyone really cares no matter how impressive I am.

[Deep Blue]

The teacher in me wants to reach out and comfort you.  After abuse that revolved around schoolwork it is no wonder that you have this reaction.  For me, pinpointing the reason for my reaction wasn't enough to make that reaction go away.  It was, however a starting point.  Try to be kind to yourself, as you explore this connection.
Take good care,
Deep Blue

[goblinchild]

Thanks.
I've been thinking about this more today, and I wish I knew how other people felt about schoolwork. Or normal work?
Is it fun? Neutral? Impersonal? Can you feel a range of emotions while doing it? Do you genuinely like it sometimes? When it's difficult, what's that like? It's hard for me to picture something like this being challenging without it making me feel like I'm fighting for my self worth. But I always hear people talking about how kids are "bored and not being challenged" in school or like they want more "engaging challenges" so its obviously a different feeling for other people.

[Deep Blue]

I can only give you my background experience and let you know how I feel.  I am a teacher and I have an undergrad and masters degree.

I loved some of my coursework and hated others.  I genuinely enjoyed writing and most of my education classes in college.  I tend to enjoy things that I find fulfilling.  Teaching others is fulfilling for me. 

I tend to dislike what I do not understand.  I struggled in chemistry and physics in high school.  I disliked any assignments associated with it. 

Sometimes work can be difficult and I like it.  That work is similar to a puzzle for me.  It is difficult and I work hard to get each piece together.  Once the puzzle is completed it gives me a lot of satisfaction.

I am different than you in that I do not equate doing well with self worth.  I consider it just another step of the path.