Great day yesterday, but feel an EF coming on .. why always up & down?

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SE7

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This is the story of my life. I take a gargantuan step forward, have a great day getting a lot of things done, and then it takes so little to throw me off.

Woke up on wrong side of bed today, feeling tired because I woke up in middle of night to watch the news.
Now it's late, missed the garbage truck, then found a pile-up of water in my trashcan which spilled all over the place including my feet.

I can feel myself wanting to avoid absolutely everything again today. I've had deep dread of getting medical results at my dr. appt. next week. It makes me feel out of control. I realized yesterday that as a child I had at least 4 traumatic events involving my physical body all by age 12. Maybe this is why as a middle-age adult I feel unable to handle yet one more bad diagnosis?
*Trigger Warning*

-->2 of these events as a child were related to something sexual, either direct or implied. There's nothing quite like feeling scared & confused about what is happening to my physical body. Then, as an adult, I am triggered constantly by having medical conditions and worrying what the next bombshell drop will be from the next medical test.

When I have this dark cloud of dread of something bad happening, it becomes very hard to function in life and has dramatically affected my ability to have a livelihood.

I did so well yesterday ... I hate that it takes so much energy to sustain a good effort. I mean I read a recovery book, read my bible, got 12-step support .. and today I just want to stay in bed!!!!!  :'(

I'm also triggered by that STUPID HOLIDAY CALLED MOTHER'S DAY. Why do I always have to CELEBRATE HER? That BPD queen narc. who psychologically destroyed me for life? I'm so tired of it! Once again, I have to tell her GC that no, I don't have enough money to contribute to her big god-damned day. She's set for life, what does she need me for except supply as her toy doll? As usual, I have NOTHING of material significance to offer!!!!!! But because the PDs helped me out financially in so many ways, of course I am obligated to show my gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. How will it look when I can't give much more than a card?

I am so tired of feeling like the loser in life!

Sorry this post was all over the place - so many issues, all the time - such is C-PTSD!  :fallingbricks:

/rant
« Last Edit: May 10, 2018, 04:45:57 PM by SE7 »

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Deep Blue

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SE7,
Iím sorry to hear that so many things are causing you grief.  I just watched the movie a beautiful mind.  It is about John Nash and his schizophrenia.  There is a scene where he feels hopeless and questions everything.  He confides in his wife that maybe everyone else is right and he needs to be institutionalized again.  She squeezes his hand and says, maybe you just try again tomorrow...

Today may have a lot going on with constant obstacles.  Maybe try again tomorrow...

Hang in there and let us know if we can help  :grouphug:

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SE7

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Thank you, Deep Blue, I truly appreciate that :)

I will go with that ... try again tomorrow ...

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Blueberry

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This is the story of my life. I take a gargantuan step forward, have a great day getting a lot of things done, and then it takes so little to throw me off.

This used to be the case for me too. All the time. It has got a lot better through therapy.

I'm sorry to hear about all the practical stuff that went wrong today like missing the garbage truck and the pool of water in your trashcan spilling everywhere. I remember when that kind of stuff used to throw me for a loop as well. Sitting with you there.

Try again tomorrow sounds a good plan. Today - curl up in bed and/or do some very simple self-soothing?

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sanmagic7

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i loved that movie and the reality of the power we truly have for ourselves.  'try again tomorrow'.  yeah, we do that all the time, don't we.

i hope your tomorrow brings with it some new sense of strength and vitality.  i hate when that roller coaster stuff hits.  such a drag.   love and hugs, se7.

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DecimalRocket

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I remember that movie, and I think I relate to John Nash a bit in the movieís portrayal. Not that I have schizophrenia, but I do relate with the feeling that I might be crazy. That reality may not be what we think it is. Itís so hard to trust ourselves with this disorder, and I understand the stress.

 :hug: