Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.

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DecimalRocket

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Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« on: May 11, 2018, 11:46:38 AM »
I知 not sure why but I知 afraid I知 going crazy these days.

I guess it痴 because I知 willing to listen to my own opinion of things more before, and not just follow others in fear of rejection.

Many of my ideas aren稚 just everyday stuff. There are so many dreams of stuff I want to do that sound crazy to me.

I致e studied the psychology of curiosity, and invented techniques for it. A completely disorganized attitude about personal development motivated by curiosity and exploration instead of routine and discipline that somehow still works. I壇 like to write on it.

In my journal, I致e written several ideas on my philosophy of life based on research and observation, an and wonder if I could write about it someday. Especially the idea of balance and mixing of opposites how logic and emotion mixes, how people are both special and normal, how people are both crazy and sane. I want to write about that too.

I went and studied alternative theories in science beyond crazy new age stuff and conventional skepticism. You see, I actually believe some make sense including a third biological theory against Darwinian evolution and creationism. And I壇 like to popularize them if possible. I was bored once so I experimented on some of these ideas in my house, and apparently some were different from the entire conventions of science.

There痴 also the field of Systems Thinking which is a field meant to analyze systems things that have parts, a purpose and interconnect with them. It痴 usually made for subjects like science, business, economics, and so on but I managed to use it for the sake of personal development. I致e been using it in my journal but put it in without specialized terms so people don稚 notice.

Yeah, I think I知 crazy. Maybe I壇 go hide and give up on this stuff. People are probably going to reject me, call me crazy, and abandon me. Then my whole future career and hope for a good life would end for good.

And well . . . nah.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 11:54:07 AM by DecimalRocket »

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Rainagain

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2018, 01:20:05 PM »
Hi,
I wondered if something grounding would help you, have you seen Jordan Peterson on utube?

Try his 'tidy your room' lectures or 'dragon of chaos', you might find doing a critique of those would interest you?

Just a thought, your situation isn't solely cptsd stuff I'd guess, we mostly have co morbidity with other issues, I know I do.

I had a theory that evolution was incomplete for many years, then they discovered epigenetics......

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2018, 01:31:51 PM »
Well, I'm skeptical too. It's just that I have a habit of brainstorming and considering crazy ideas so I can explore each of them and throw out the too-crazy ones.

 I didn't make an experiment on it -- I meant another experiment on another alternative topic, and it's heading toward a direction, but not conclusive. The evolution thing? I just read about it, researched alternating views, and came to a conclusion removing confirmation bias. I've read on evolution obsessively growing up, and it's a funny thing to see another book that actually made a point against it. Now I've been exploring all kinds of crazy ideas, while obsessively trying to play devil's advocate on myself.

What do you mean by comorbidity though? If you think I'm stuck with something else, then tell me.

Grounded? I don't know. I feel more grounded and more aware of my surroundings than ever. What I see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. It's much more vibrant. Strangely, the more grounded I am, the crazier my ideas sound. The more that I trust direct experience and work around in being skeptical of what I may believe, the weirder my explorations end up in.

It's as if the more I try to be sane, the more I sound insane. The more honest and vulnerable I become, the more fake and unbelievable I sound. The more open-minded I am to take into account everyone's ideas, the more closeminded and weird I sound.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 01:41:00 PM by DecimalRocket »

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Deep Blue

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2018, 02:09:42 PM »
Hang in there decimal rocket,
I remember you wrote about Temple Grandin one time.  I met her.  She said people thought she was crazy most of her life.  She had a couple people that became some pillars of support for her in her younger years including a teacher, her mother and her aunt.  Hopefully we can be some pillars of strength to you.
I do not believe temple is crazy.  Having met her, she is well spoken, very intelligent and thoughtful.  People are too quick to jump to the idea of crazy and normal.  Who are they to label us?  Who are we to label ourself?  I do not believe you are crazy DR.  I think you are sorting through some difficult things which have caused you to question yourself.

Take good care

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Sceal

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2018, 04:16:15 PM »
What do you mean by comorbidity though? If you think I'm stuck with something else, then tell me.

It's not uncommon to have comorbidity when you have PTSD, complex or otherwise. It can be tricky and difficult to differentiate between what is the effect of PTSD and the comorbidity though. Which ones you have, isn't for us to say really. We're not professionals :) Just experienced :P haha (sorry - lame sense of humour).  Although, you have mentioned yourself that you're on the spectrum - that is a form of comorbidity.

Also, I don't think you're crazy. Your thoughts and ideas are full of details, but that doesn't mean they are crazy. In Alice in Wonderland there is a quote says something along the lines of
Quote
Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast
. Which in essence means that imagination is a powerfull tool, and one that you sometimes need in order to defeat an obstacle or two.  In the case of Alice in Wonderland, Imagination was what she needed in order to defeat the mighty Jabberwocky. Perhaps your Jabberwocky is your PTSD?

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sanmagic7

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2018, 11:33:30 PM »
i don't think you're crazy, nor going crazy.

you have such a curious mind and want to explore everything without and within, so that includes both the thoughts of others and your own thoughts.  there are still people out there who believe the world is flat.  are they crazy? 

come to think of it, the concept of crazy is rather subjective.  crazy can mean all kinds of things.  lots of people thought i was crazy to leave my home city and move to mexico with no job, no place to live, and nothing but a bit of money and my little ford escort packed with as much as it could hold. 

but, doesn't a little bit of crazy need to be present to take chances, try new things, go where no one has gone before?  is that a bad thing?  i don't think so.  doesn't your tagline say that you're a cautious thrillseeker?  lots of people seek thrills, cautiously or not.  is that crazy?  some may view it that way, others just find it exciting.

i wouldn't put too much credence on the idea of 'crazy'.  do what you love, enjoy loving it, and let the rest of the world go by.  at this point in my life, i believe that the more i focus on what i love, the better off i'll be.  if that's crazy, so be it.

love and hugs, d.r.

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2018, 03:15:58 AM »
Thanks all.  :grouphug:

I知 a little too tired to say much now. Relatives have come to visit, and my need for alone time hasn稚 been as fed.

I致e had a social skills class recently, and I remember asking the teacher for the group if he knew more complicated books. When I asked him about what he read, he only talked about books for younger people when my reading age is a lot higher. He seemed to laugh at the idea that I壇 ask him, and for what my opinion is worth, seemed to think I was just a teenager trying to seem 杜ore adult.

Maybe that痴 why I think I知 crazy sometimes. Many people seem to underestimate me through my own age rather than listening to me sometimes. Why aren稚 people hearing me out? He diagnosed my ability to read social cues at the level of an 8 year old, and while I think it痴 slower, I don稚 think it痴 that bad.

It痴 crazy. I said otherwise in my own report of myself, but it seemed he believed my mom痴 point of view more. Then told me things without explaining why he thought so to me. I remember at the start, he told me he was sad for me, but something痴 not right here.

I don稚 get why, but I have a bad feeling about this guy.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2018, 03:21:23 AM by DecimalRocket »

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ah

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2018, 07:05:39 AM »
Rocket,

Sounds to me like this guy's social development isn't as good as he thinks it is.

In my experience, being misunderstood can sometimes be a constant... it can happen again and again.

Like the things people say about physical disability. I guess people often respond cluelessly to things that are slightly unexpected, they're used to what's right in the middle and whatever isn't leaves them out of their comfort zone.

Sometimes I feel stronger and I can feel compassionate for the other person, see their cluelessness and anxiety, and just smile or disengage. Other times it stays with me and I feel anxious and in EF's myself after being treated cluelessly, but I think even then, the same still applies: I eventually have to work on finding a way to be compassionate with myself too, and remind myself silliness and misunderstandings are a part of social settings, like it or not.

I've read a lot about disability theories. Part of them talk about ways to handle these repetitive misunderstandings. Not taking the blame on yourself, not feeling inherently flawed, and learning to live with these experiences. They may be hard for anyone with any sort of a disability.

As for just being intellectually curious, I've been told that I "just want to be special" or just want attention but I think being special is overrated. No one really wants to be completely the same as others or completely different, we all wish we had a good balance. And those of us who have something different about us often just wish we could make it go away, blend in the crowd and feel less self conscious.
But I guess sometimes people who assume you're trying to be special are talking about their own feelings.

You're not alone and I think you're doing it all okay.
Being different doesn't make you crazy, it just makes you... your own person? Neither does feeling anxious or tired, you're allowed to have every emotion including those. An emotion is not you, it's yours. Emotions come and go, you can stay and watch them, experience them, see them change inside you.

At the risk of being the same type of "crazy" as you :bigwink:  ;D
Here is one way I think of emotions that helps me manage them: I took the concept of critical value from statistics and applied it to the emotional world. To triggers in particular, and self-care.
You can be sitting in a social setting and feel a bit tired by it all, a bit nervous; but you're okay, you're aware of it and handling it. But all of a sudden it reaches the critical value where you're overwhelmed and triggered past the point where you can hold it. It happens to all of us. The key maybe is to figure out where your own critical value is right now, so you can try to stop just a bit before you do reach it. If you can, disengage, rest, distract yourself, change activity before you reach it. Then the big trigger is avoided and so is the crash that can come with the trigger. Then maybe you can feel an emotion but it isn't overwhelming.

Maybe.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2018, 07:09:30 AM by ah »

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DecimalRocket

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2018, 08:38:57 AM »
Thanks Ah. I guess that does help.  :hug:

I壇 say more, but I think I知 sick with a fever. I had a bad EF yesterday, and it took away much of my energy. Having more people drop by here doesn稚 help when I usually heal with alone time. And I think I must have been stretching myself to reply to people on OOTS yesterday.

I don稚 know. . . I just feel a lot more demotivated for anything today and I知 sleeping more often these last few days. Especially today. I guess I missed the critical value for myself, huh?

Anyway, bye.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2018, 08:42:14 AM by DecimalRocket »

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Blueberry

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2018, 09:29:32 AM »
Hey a bit of  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: is fine DR, instead of being on here writing and responding. It can be good to take a little break from here!  :wave:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Am I crazy? I think I知 going crazy.
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2018, 02:52:16 PM »
unfortunately, d.r., too many adults don't like to listen to kids or young adults, even.  they've got the idea that anyone who hasn't proved themselves in adulthood isn't worth their energy - they already know all they want to know, and stop there, or, as in your case, will go over the kid's head and listen to the parents instead of weighing all the info coming at them.

it's too bad - i've worked a lot with adolescents, and i find them delightfully insightful about themselves and their environments.  challenging at times (i've always worked with troubled kids), but once they realize they're being respected, they often open up much more than they ever thought they would.  and they end up showing respect back. 

i think it's foolish to dismiss what young people have to say.  when it happens, tho, it's on the adult, and has nothing to do with the kid being crazy.  this theme seems to be coming up for you quite a bit lately.  very sorry to hear that.  it's not you - it's ok to let the others in your life have their own responsibility for what they say and do.   

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  sending a loving hug full of lots of sanity.