Identity and bullying

[Cookido]

I was bullied in form of exclusion from the age of 6 to 15. I was in the same school with the same people during 9 years. Most of the time I was dissociated and I lack a lot of memories from thouse years. I was deeply depressed, I didn't talk, I was alone and boring. When that finally came to an end I started a new school and decided that I would be a different person. I became the complete opposite from who I was before. I wanted to be independent, a leader, outspoken, successful and outspoken. So the first day of school I acted as that person and became that person.

I got friends, a partner, I did well in school and started taking charge over my life at home as well. I completely erased the person I was before and the background I had. My previous experiences did still make themselves noticed through pannick and anxiety attacks or anxiety in social settings. I ignored it pretty well though and I never viewed thouse 9 years of my life as a trauma that mattered.

Since I started working with my background I'm realising how much I changed in just a day basically back then. I'm struggeling a lot with identity and many times I'm not sure who I am. I want to be the person I became after the age of 15 but it's also confusing to ignore the person I was for 9 years. I'm 22 today and I feel like I lost both parts and I'm just one big confusing mess of a person. I don't identify with anything.

Can I integrate  thouse two people or should I even do so? When I talk about my past it feels like I'm talking about someone else. I don't feel like I can be a person without a past. When I try and figure out who I am it feels like there's too many missing pieces to make a whole picture out of.

I'm also not sure if it did damage to just be someone else. Maybe it's normal to do so? I remember my current partner thinking it was strange that I chat very differently depending on who I talk to (on the internet). I adapt a lot while he's just the same with everyone. Which I find very strange instead. I have this very strong urge to be normal, even though I also realise that normal doesn't really excist.

Sorry for long and maybe confusing post.

[Sceal]

Hi Cookido,

I was also bullied for many many years during school-age. Mine was mostly exclusion, but also a bit of physical and name-calling. And like you, I also felt that the part of the trauma from being bullied wasn't as important, big or something I needed to delve into compared to the other traumas I've been through - but recently I've discovered that it has had a tremendous effect on me, and it still does. I had heard in the past that being ignored, neglected or pushed away by your peers can be incredible damaging, I didn't think that had anything to do with me - until recently.

I wasn't able to do what you did though, change over night. So I can't say if it's damaging or not, but I think for those years where you were able to be who you wanted to be did probably more good than harm. Maybe it can help you finding out who you are.
Finding your identity is tricky, it's a slippery, confusing slope.  Perhaps for now, you can try and figure out your values. What matters to you - and why? What interests you - and why? As a starting point, and later on start to think back see if you discover something new.

I'm not sure if this is very helpful, but I was taught in identity group to try and reckognize my patterns, and find out if they are useful to me or not. Such as "Did I mean what I just said now, or was it something that I was once taught by others is the right behaviour? Does it ring true to -me-?" Or "When I recieve comliments am I able to accept them? Am I able to give compliments to myself? if yes (to both): good, how do I do that? if no (to both): what's stopping me?"

Also sorry for a lengthy confusing reply.

[radical]

I'm really sorry that happened to you.  No-one should have to endure that sort of cruelty at all, let alone one so young, and for so long.  I wish there had been someone who had stepped in to protect you.  You must have enormous strenth to have endured that.

Abuse isn't about who we are, or what we 'deserve".  it isn't something we bring onto ourselves.

I went for many years being very afraid to show myself or to stand up for myself, for fear of bringing more abuse onto myself.  It's a terrible loss, ultimately it is a substantial, longstanding harm.  It's not about the person I was in response to being hurt being an identity.  It's about the fact that abuse doesn't allow any identity.  Abuse is an attempt at erasure.  It sounds like you reinvented yourself in response to the abuse and that was brave.  Maybe now it is time to start trusting that you can learn more about who you are, what you value, what you feel, what you believe in, what you love,  put some boundaries around valuing yourself, and show that person to the world.  It means you can feel more truly loved and appreciated without fearing so much that if other people could see you, they'd hurt you. 

The bullying was never about who you were.  The end of bullying wan't about becoming someone who was better, more about rejecting the identity of targetof-abuse, that had been put on you by the people who were hurting you.

[Cookido]

Thank you Sceal. I think your advice about taking one step at a time and discover and answer the questions I might be capable of answering is very good. I have been doing some exploration around my responses and I did learn from it. I think your suggestions are very useful.

I'm also sorry you had to go through thouse school years. It's a time where we were supposed to develop and flourish as individuals, and instead, well...

I think you put words on it really well radical. The abuse didn't let us explore an identity.

There were many who could, and should, have stepped in, and no one did. It's a betrayal I find very hard to forgive and I mistrust authorities because of it. I do feel like I was a strong person back then, stronger than I am now. It makes me sad, because the person back then could have used that strengh for something better than just surviving.

The bullying was never about who you were.  The end of bullying wan't about becoming someone who was better, more about rejecting the identity of targetof-abuse, that had been put on you by the people who were hurting you.

I will write this down. I never thought of it that way and it really speaks to me. It makes me feel like I didn't loose any parts of myself, but instead I allowed myself to be myself. If that makes sense.