Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Thank you so much for the hug and sending you one back  - glad that you're reading 'The Body Keeps the Score' and great that you're taking it slow - just as I am with the book I've just started.  I like your analogy of biting off manageable pieces - that's really good advice.  Much love to you too.   

*****************
***Potential trigger warning as mentioning 'childhood abuse'
Entry on 13th July 2018
I have started the book by Mary Bratton which is for Survivors of Childhood Abuse, and I had a powerful reaction from my body to just the first couple of pages - i.e. I felt physically sick and as if I had a heavy lump in my mouth and throat - nausea feelings, and I felt 'choked up' (literally).  It wasn't that she wrote of anything in a graphic way, or an upsetting way, it was purely my body reacting - and I have felt that feeling before - in certain circumstances, and I think it represents a wounded/fragmented part of me that can't communicate with words - and has a very physical reaction - but that's just how I'm interpreting the situation currently.

Anyway, usually with such feelings I would 'push them down' and try to distract myself - but this time, I actually talked to my partner and told him that I'd started reading the book, and that it had made me feel physically sick, and I started to cry as I told him this, and he hugged me, and just talking about that emotion and that experience, rather than pushing it back down, I think it was a good thing.

I was able to go back to the book later, and to read more.  I think it's a good book - it's about any form of childhood abuse - i.e. physical, emotional, sexual - rather than any specific type - and that's good, because I feel I've suffered a few types.  Mainly emotional and sexual - with the 'threat of physical' - although there was some physical too.

In the 'preface' of the book, Mary Bratton wrote "Survivors of childhood abuse are profoundly normal and absolutely extraordinary.  They are incredibly resilient and resourceful, not despite their childhood experiences, but because of them" - I think this is such a positive re-framing of experience.  I really like it.

She goes on to say "The question is not "What's wrong with me?" The questions are "How did I get this way?" and "How do I need to change?"

She then says "Workable and experiential exercises for each stage of healing facilitate reframing of self-experience, allow completion of interrupted, frozen trauma, and directly target areas of developmental loss."

She states that "Trauam is experienced actively, and it must be actively unblocked and resolved."


In particular I want to repeat the sentence she said in p.3 of the book, which is "When processing is blocked by family denial, intimidation, secrecy, and shame, then the trauma becomes frozen in the shock stage - not finished, not diminished, not integrated.  It may loom large in the conscious landscape, or it may be remembered only vaguely, but it continues to dominate the behaviour, feelings, and thinking of its victim.  It influences relationships, choices, and beliefs."


I found this next sentence extremely interesting: "By the time the adult survivor reaches therapy, the tentacles of trauma extend deep into life patterns and self-image.  Telling the story is no longer enough to resolve the trauma."

p.17 also resonated with me, where she mentioned "Survivors have disconnected feeling words from what is happening inside their bodies.  They have pretended that they couldn't feel for so long that they have, in fact, become numb and unfeeling."

I relate to that - I have a disconnect with my 'feelings' to the extent that it can take a while for me to even experience the temperature of water - I can tolerate incredibly hot water in a bath for example, and also very cold water too - it's as if I just don't 'feel' the true intensity of the temperature.


The book is suggesting that therapy needs to be "active and experiential" - as she said that "The trauma was experienced viscerally and physically, and it cannot be unfrozen and resolved without a return to the physical and visceral".

She talks for rules governing childhood of "Dont' talk, don't feel, and don't trust." - I really relate to that! 


I just wanted to write a few snippets of what I've read - in this journal today - to remember what was meaningful.  I feel very floaty and spaced out now though - dizzy actually.  But it is very hot, so I am also aware that I may be a bit dehydrated and I'm going to get a drink to cool down.


Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 14th July 2018
It's Saturday - and I am pleased that I managed to cope with starting the book yesterday - it was a powerful experience, at many levels - but I feel it was ok.  My sleep last night was ok - I noticed that if I opened my eyes in the dark, then I could see various visual things - there was even an area near the window that looked like a massive TV screen - and if I looked at that, then various visual images would 'come' there - but I didn't really want to focus on those things - as I view them as some kind of hallucinatory experience that happens during what I read was the 'hypnogogic state' - and I know that if I close my eyes, then I don't experience them.

But it was interesting as I'd not experienced them for quite some time - but I guess it was because I was reading a new book that I feel a little 'scared/cautious' about reading.  However, I am also telling myself I'm doing ok.  I still feel stronger in myself, and that's a positive feeling.

I would like to do some more relaxing things today - and treat it as a weekend - which it is.  So I'm going to try to relax - it's a very hot day. 

I feel like my writing is 'stilted' today - anyway, I am glad I've got that new book - and I am trying to keep the 'befriending of my parts' work that Janina Fisher explained about fresh in my mind, as I am still listening to them, and paying attention to any experiences within myself that communicate things.  Yes, my writing feels like I'm wading through treacle here - I don't feel I'm expressing myself very well.  I think I'll stop writing now - but I'm trying to say that I am feeling ok today - overall. 

Before I forget, I do want to perhaps write a few things that 'Little Hope' has been sharing with me - and so writing this here, now, will remind me to do that soon - I know that LIttle Hope appreciated my sharing some of her memories in the forum, and somehow writing them down in this place helps her to process them, and helps me to hear her more - if that makes sense. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're really moving forward with everything hope.  i'm very happy for you for that.  well done.   and little hope is always welcome - i think it's great that she finds this forum helpful for her, too.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you.     Love and hugs to you.     I think I am moving forward.  So far, so good.

******
Journal Entry for 15th July 2018
**Trigger warning - reading a book about Childhood abuse, so content of this entry may mention things relating to that.
Starting to read the new book by Mary Bratton - and so far, it's been ok - I felt some powerful feelings, both mentally and physically - but this morning, I feel more 'at peace' somehow.  I think doing the experiential exercise - was helpful - writing about why it wasn't my fault, and also acknowledging actions by my FOO as 'assault' - it highlighted to me that I've minimised and also tried to intellectualise about their behaviours, and much of my fragmentation and pushing emotions down, has been to defend myself and refuse to acknowledge the horror of knowing that essentially they weren't there for me - not in any meaningful sense.  I still feel like my emotions are 'distant' - and I'm not really in touch with them. 

Some things I read that were particularly relevant include:
"It is not the violation itself that causes the deepest damage; it is the lack of protection, the secrecy, the inability to surface and get help that devastates."

"When an umbrella of family dysfunction overlays the trauma and forbids telling, feeling, or trusting, the trauma is frozen and encapsulated - locked away in a little mental box in a far corner of the mind.  It can't be talked about.  It can't be dealt with and resolved.  Secrecy leads to shame.  The attacker's guilt becomes the victim's shame, creating a legacy of self-condemnation and isolation."

I also related to the 'role reversal' part that she mentioned, whereby Mary Bratton says "When parents are inadequate as a result of their own history of sickness, when parenting is uneven or non-existent because of family dysfunction, all children become parentified to some extent.... If nothing else, children have to fill the gaps and parent themselves when appropriate parenting is missing."

She says "Abuse plus dysfunction equals destruction"
I particularly relate to this:
"To survive, children have to buy into the family's denial, minimizing, blaming, and rationalizing.... They have to learn not to feel.  That's why survivors believe the abuse wasn't that bad.  That's why they think it didn't affect them.  That's why they doubt their own memories and wonder if they're not just exaggerating or imagining.  The problem for most survivors is not that they don't know what happened; it's that they don't know what it means.  That's why the first step in healing is defining the abuse as assault; that word allows clients to consider the feelings they had to suppress in order to survive, the feelings they have both a right and a need to feel to recover."

"The very fact of abuse devastates any child.  But abuse combined with family dysfunction - the altered reality, minimizing, denial, blaming, rationalising, and redefinition of feelings and behaviour - keeps the abuse secret and completes the destruction of the child victim."

I relate to that sooooo much. 

I'm going to take a break from the book for the rest of the day - because I want to let things settle in my mind.  Dot-to-dots would be good - relaxing - and I have some chores to do as well.


Hope

[Sceal]

Hi Hope,
I just wanted to pop by and give you a  , if today is a good day for hugs!
Thinking of you

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
Today is the perfect day for hugs, and I really appreciate your hug, thank you.  Sending one back to you too - I also think of you too - I've been a bit self-pre-occupied this past couple of days, but I am hoping also to pop into your Journal sometime soon to see how you're doing - but I think of you too, and appreciate that you came over to give me a hug.
to you, Sceal.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 16th July 2018
I am finding the new book quite challenging, because understandably it's bringing feelings and emotions to the fore - which normally would be tucked away - but I am finding that the book's content really makes so much sense, and it complements the book I was reading by Janina - in that it is along the same kind of lines - talking about fragmented parts, and how to communicate with the inner child, and also the adult, and also what Mary Bratton terms 'The Destroyer' - which I see as being similar to the 'outer critic' or the representation of all the things that FOO imparted - i.e. secrecy, rules, isolating me from help, brain-washing me. 

It feels a bit over-whelming, and I have experienced some pains in my head occasionally - and waves of nausea too - and last night, whilst I was dozing in bed, and maybe during my sleep, I felt as if there was a fragmented part of me representing a very young child - possibly pre-verbal - who showed me 'sheer terror' 'fright' 'shock' - all of those things rolled into a strong and powerful feeling - it had foreboding with it - but I couldn't pin or attach it to any one thing, or any one memory - it was purely a 'feeling' - and it was like that part of me wanted to share it with me, to help me understand - and I do understand - because I am aware of snippets of memory, plus also the things my sister told me, and I know that my early childhood was particularly tense and there were some horrible things going on in the environment.

I admit I've read more chapters of the book than I probably should have done - i.e. rushed into continuing to read - and yet I've only done one experiential exercise - there were others and I kept reading, rather than try to do the next one - because I somehow wanted to know 'what lies ahead' - almost as if I didn't trust - I needed to know the outcome, the path, and where the book would lead me.  But that feels ok too - and I will then re-read bits, and then do the exercises - I think that's ok.  I won't avoid doing the exercises - like I have done with other books - I will do my best to 'do them' - because I know that I want to heal and progress and I think that I am making some progress.  I can see light in this tunnel.  So that is positive.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 17th July 2018
I just wanted to make a note of this here, because I think it will help me very much:

Mary Bratton wrote on p.184 of her book:
"Healing does not happen magically with one journal entry, or with one moment of reunion with the Child, or with one flash of insight into the workings of the Destroyer.  Survivors were taught to devalue themselves over a period of years.  The Child was forced underground, and the Destroyer was shaped by a series of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual assaults.  Gradually, survivors retreated into the shell of self; they became chameleons; they had to surrender their right to think, to feel, and to be.

It will take time to resurrect that fallen self.  It will take time to truly bond with the Child, to repair the damage, and to mount a defense against the Destroyer.  If it took twenty years to destroy self-identity and self-esteem, it may take twenty weeks or even twenty months to rebuild."

I found that very helpful writing - and I am feeling I can relax the pace and give myself the time I need to do this work.  It feels like the right path for me, and the right direction, and I know I've already made some progress - I can already see some positive changes.  I am feeling positive just now.

Hope 

[Libby183]

Oh, that is a perfect quote to sum up the damage done by prolonged childhood trauma.  It sounds like a very good book, but I can really relate to having to read ahead to see where it is heading.  I would do that too, and then go back over it afterwards.  I can't see that that is a bad thing at all.

Looking forward to hearing more about your experience with this new book.

Take care.

Libby.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby - Thanks for your reply here, and I hope you're ok - I think of you often, and hope you're doing ok.  Yes, it's a very good book, and I've nearly finished reading through it once - and I'm glad I did that, because now I know the journey it will take me, and I am ok with that - and then I can go through it again slowly and try out the experiential exercises - taking it at my own pace, which Mary Bratton says is so important to each person - to choose their own pace and work at their own level of comfort - it makes sense.  I found it particularly validating to hear that you would also read the book through as well - to see where it was going, it made me feel so much better about having chosen that route myself.  Thank you!   I will hope to share my experiences and also intend to write out some of the exercises in different parts of the forum, as I feel it helps me to know I have done that, and that people can comment and those comments really help me too.

Hi BeHea1thy - Thanks so much for your comment, and I am going to embrace the hopes of resurrecting and building a bridge between my wounded fragmented parts and the adult I have become - in the hope of integrating and mending parts of all of me.  Thanks so much for your reply here.  I like your choice of name too - hope you don't mind my mentioning that. 

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Journal Entry on 18th July 2018
I had a dream last night, which I know involved something quite intense, but I can't recall it - but the fact that I am dreaming more - makes me think that I am processing things in my sleep - and I think that's good - there is a lot going on in my mind - and during the daytime, I find that younger parts of me are showing me more and more snippets of memory - one of them has a pre-occupation with wall-papers - and things I've been watching on TV have featured some retro wall-paper prints - which I recognise from my childhood, and my littles are focusing in on those and other features in a scene.  I think I need to start to write down the snippets in my paper diary - where I have diagrams of different ages - to see if I can build a picture up of what is being communicated there. 

I wanted to jot a few things down from Mary Bratton's book - for reminders to myself - and from p.198 she has a section entitled "Using the split personas" (and I find that her language here relates to the wounded/fragemented parts that I learned about in Janina's book)
Just a few lines that resonate for me, and I'd like to write here to remind me:
"Survivors are the only ones who can truly reparent themselves through the feelings.  They can protect better than anyone.  They were there.  They know what the Child missed and what the Child needs.  The dissociation and fragmentation originally caused by the abuse now provides the perfect means for healing."

(I find that sentence to be one of great hope)

"Reparenting and protection is best accomplished by using the split personas that already exist.  The Adult who moved out into the world, leaving the frozen Child behind, is the best parent available."

Especially hopeful is this sentence:
"As the Adult responds to the Child's pain, power increases, and the dispassionate observer becomes the compassionate parent.  The Child can finally be heard and defended and freed from guilt."

p.205 of book:
"As the survivor proves to be a compassionate and caring parent to the Child, the Child will entrust more feelings to the survivor."

So, my thoughts about this week are that I am going to try to pace myself and firstly complete the first read-through of the book, and then I'll try one of the experiential exercises and just take my time and see how it goes.  My partner is aware that I'm reading this book, and I've noticed that he does ask me if I'm ok, and how I'm doing with the book, so he is clearly looking out for me, and I appreciate his care in that way.  I remember when I did have some counselling previously, that the counsellor told me that she thinks that I 'could do the therapy' as a result of being in a supportive and caring relationship - and I hold onto that - as I think she was right about that - I wasn't ready before, as I didn't have sufficient support.

I am however feeling quite tired and as if I am feeling some kind of underlying malaise - but Mary Bratton talked in her book of the fact that it can be draining and tiring - I think she said that - I can't remember her exact words.  But I think maybe it's because I'm processing more things, and my body is reacting to that.  It could also be dehydration - it is so hot, and whilst I am trying to keep cool and drink more, I still feel thirsty - which makes me think I'm still dehydrated.  I'll stop and have a cup of tea or water.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Still 18th July 2018
I am finding that I seem to have evoked a part of me that is 'very active' - i.e. she is pushing me to do things and be much more active, and it reminds me of when I am feeling full of energy and able to function and cope - and it's the strong part of me that helped me to keep going - especially when I was working - and I know she is competent and vibrant, but actually today I have overdone things - and I ended up feeling so tired, over-whelmed and very nauseous - I think I may be suffering a bit from over-heating due to the sun, and dehydration - this reminds me of past times when I've 'tried too hard' and pushed myself too much - and then collapsed as no one can keep up that level.

Interesting, and I think that this part of me, the capable, busy and striving part - may represent something quite significant - i.e. she comes out when she thinks I need to do things, but maybe it's stopping me from slowing down and processing what I need to process to heal.  So I am wary of this.

I have managed to finish the read through of Mary Bratton's book, and I am pleased with that - I am sure it will help me.

But I was looking at the Exercises that she wants people to do, and I felt myself feeling over-whelmed - almost as if I am too scared to do them.  But I did that first one - and it was ok.  But really I didn't 'feel' very much when I did it.  I realise I am quite numb about my feelings, and I rarely experience anger, even though sometimes that is coming out.

I also realise that I am passive-aggressive in some of my interactions - maybe that is due to the anger coming out in indirect ways.  I talked to my partner about it, and he surprised me, because when I asked him how often I exhibit passive-aggression - he told me 'very often' - this is surprising to me.  I know that I 'do' show it, and especially with authority figures - I think it happens then, but I was surprised to hear my partner say that.  But I told him I would like him to point out when I do it next time, so I can hopefully think about the situation and what happened. 

I feel exhausted now - I don't think I'm very well physically - I have overdone things - I will try to rest and drink some water.  I did lay down for a while this afternoon - and that was helpful.

Hope 

[Libby183]

So sorry to hear that you are feeling so rotten,  Hope. I really sympathise.

Strangely enough (although maybe not so strange,  as we often seem to have similar experiences), I have gone through four days of being really productive.  I have always kept myself really busy, but since my therapy experience,  I have been in a "what's the point"  sort of mood. But just this week,  I have been really busy with housework again. And like you, have clearly overdone it, feeling rotten and not sleeping.  It feels like we can't find a good balance. 

However, your discussion about different "parts" did make me think. I had to see my in-laws on Sunday.  MIL was as cold and invalidating as ever, and I felt very triggered as ever. Then,  on Monday,  I start this housework overdrive.  You've made me question myself about a link. I feel sure there is one,  centred around a different part taking over.  Thank you for that,  Hope. 

Your comments about passive aggression and authority also rang so many bells with me. My mother was the Queen of the passive-aggressive. 

Anyway,  I am hoping very much that you feel a little better today,  and manage a balanced level of activity and productivity!  Easier said than done.  Don't forget the afternoon rest. I think that's a very good thing.

Take care.

Libby.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks for the well wishes on the healing porch Hope.  Much love to you sweetie.  I'd say more... but I've been lacking words lately.  So instead I'll just send you 

[Hope67]

Hi Libby & Deep Blue,
Thank you so much for your replies here - I am finding it a bit tougher yesterday and today - but I'm doing ok.  I hope to write more when I have a few more words.
But just wanted you both to know I appreciated your replies. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

after living in the desert so many years, i, too, experienced heat exhaustion, and the docs told me the only thing that helps is to get as cool as possible (possible shower or bath), drink lots of water, and rest.  that heat can be very taxing on the body.  please, do take care of yourself. 

what i found extremely hopeful in one of your quotes was that if the trauma lasted 20 years, healing from it may take 20 weeks or 20 months.  the hopeful part i found was that it will not necessarily take another 20 yrs. to heal from it.    at my age, that really does my mind good.  thanks for that.

may i suggest you go very slowly with those exercises, especially if you're not physically well.  they can be exhausting in their own right - lots of energy utilized by the mind to recognize, work on, explore, and process what they might suggest you do - and put that on top of physical exhaustion, i don't think it's a good thing for anyone. 

going slow, as the author suggested, may include taking time to be in peak form physically and mentally/emotionally before you tackle exercises.  that book seems like it had a lot of intense information in it, and it might take time just to get comfy knowing and absorbing it.

i hope you feel better soon, sweetie.  stay as cool as you can, ok?  love and hugs filled with cool breezes.